Reading Quiz 4 Couples Counseling

Gottman-Rapoport Conflict Blueprint

This intervention is a prescriptive way of teaching couples to deal with conflict (to use in session and out of session) where couples take turns as the speaker and listener

Not solving the problem yet

Role of the Speaker (Gottman-Rapoport Conflict Blueprint)

▫ Express feelings, thoughts

▫ State positive need

▫ "I" statements

Role of the Listener (Gottman-Rapoport Conflict Blueprint)

Listen with empathy, take notes

Reflect what you heard to partner's satisfaction

What is the inner circle of the compromise ovals?

Inflexible area

Core needs, values, dreams

What is the outer circle of the compromise ovals?

The flexible area

How to compromise to satisfy core needs

Start with inflexible area for both partners and overlap of those. Compromise to satisfy core needs. Find solution in the flexible area, compromising to move forward

Repair attempts are most effective when

done early, before interaction gets negative

emotion-based, self-disclosing

emphasize questions about emotions

emphasize that the relationship is ok

What to do to be a good listener

ask open ended questions

validate and communicate empathy

attune to feelings

What not to do to be a good listener

Ask why

Minimize, judge, criticize

Try to solve or give advice (in listening phase)

What is meta-emotion

How we think about emotion and expressions of emotions

What are the two points along the continuum of meta emotion?

Emotion dismissing and emotion exploring

What do emotion dismissing people do?

Don't notice emotion

Avoid negative feelings

Focus on the positive

What do emotion exploring people do?

Notice emotion

Patient with negative affect

Can label and empathize with emotions

True or false: 2 people with the same meta emotion (either 2 dismissing or 2 exploring) can do well together

True

Meta emotion mismatch

extreme differences between partners

both partners can end up frustrated

Emotion exploring with your partner

▫ Be aware of spouse's negative emotion

▫ See emotions as chance for connection

▫ Respond non-defensively

▫ Understand the emotional experience

▫ Empathize, support

How to protect kids from the conflict

raise children as either emotion exploring or emotion coaching

Raising kids as emotion exploring or coaching is associated with

self soothing and focus attention

higher academic achievement

fewer behavioral problems

better relationships

fewer illnesses

greater emotional intelligence

Emotion coaching

notice negative emotion

see negative affect as opportunity for connection or teaching

validate, empathize

help child label feelings

set clear limits on behavior, problem solve

Emotion dismissing parenting

don't notice emotion, not comfortable with negative emotion

little language for emotion

view negative affect as toxic

want a cheerful, happy child

believe negative affect is harmful

distract child to end negative affect quickly

What is the problem with emotion dismissing parenting?

Children grow up with the experience that negative emotion is bad. The message that everything should be positive is harmful to relationships; shouldn't turn away at any sign of conflict

True or false: friendship and intimacy are important in a relationship

True

3 things conflict results from

▫ Loneliness

▫ Failed bids for connection

▫ Failure to accept influence

Love Maps

Concept of the Sound Relationship House theory that partners should build a "map" of their partner's inner world which is constantly updated (meaning that they know their partner well and have developed a close friendship with their partner). The concept of love map refers to this close friendship and understanding of your partner.

Love map cards

Interbention that dedicates cognitive space to getting to know your partner

Generalizing building love maps to everyday life

devote time to getting to know your partner

Interventions for marital friendship

Mountain/island survival problem

- assess problem solving, compromise

- accepting influence, positive emotional tone

negotiating marital power

Introducing Fondness and admiration intervention

positive adjective checklist

"I appreciate" checklist

Generalizing Fondness and admiration intervention to everyday life

express appreciation daily

connect physically and verbally each day

Introducing turning toward intervention

turn toward during everyday events checklist

expressing needs card deck

expressing appreciation

fun, play adventure

Generalizing turning toward intervention

ritual or daily emotion check in

express appreciation

Aftermath of failed bids for connection

Feelings: Talk about what you were each feeling

Subjective reality: both perceptions valid

Triggers: enduring vulnerabilities that might have gotten activated in this failed bid for connection

Accept Responsibility: "What role did you play in this failure to connect"

Different next time: Figure out what each partner can do to make it better next time

Aftermath of a Positive Event

Feelings: each share how they felt

Realities: both perspective valid

Meaning: share stories that relate to making this a positive event. What makes this event important for you, what meaning does it have?

Responsibility: what was your role, what did each do right to make this a positive event

Constructive plan: make plan together to maintain what was positive/what worked

Improving couple's sexual connection

• Think of everything as sex or connection

• Create love maps of other's sexual world

• Know what activates partner's sexual "brake" and "accelerator"

• Talk about sex life

• Create rituals for initiating and refusing sex

• Non-demand pleasuring

Characteristics of devitalized couple

• Underlying sadness, flat energy

• Distance, parallel lives

• Lack interest, intimacy and romance

Solution for devitalized couple

build friendship and meaning

Master of Relationships

Honor and support individual life dreams

Rituals of connection

Shared and individual goals

support each other's roles

create shared meaning - spouse, partner, and other roles

When to terminate: success

couples have tools

- can repair failed bids and arguments

- improved love maps and fondness

- reduced dysfunction

- solves solvable problems

- dialogue with perpetual issues

- can resolve relapse: low threshold for negativity, rituals for connection, will return if needed

Secrets to success

partings

reunions

admiration and appreciation

affection

love maps

when to terminate without success

fondness and admiration is dead

relationship is doing more harm than good

goal: amicable separatio + co-parenting