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Takin’ the morning meds?

Oh gosh, you scared me. Usually, my caretakers don’t come in this early!

Oh, you’re thinking I’m a- OH! I’m not part of the nursing home staff. I don’t work here, I’m from-well. Alright, I’m not quite sure how to say this, but I’m just gonna jump on in. I’m from… above.

…Upstairs?

No. Above! I’m here to help you move on. Because you just died!

I’m sorry, DIED?

Yes! So, you went to bed normally last night, and now it’s six A.M. on Tuesday, June 11th, 2103, and you just passed away peacefully in your sleep! A great way to go. And nice job on ninety-six years! People are living so long these days it’s getting a little weird, so I think ninety-six is a good age to give the bucket a kick.

I… am dead?

As a doornail. You have bitten the dust. You have taken your final bow. You have hit your expiration date-

OKAY I GET IT I’M DEAD! Wait. I’ve thought about this. I was prepared. You know, it’s fine! I’m happy with my life, and I’m ready to go.

Yesss! Makes it easier for me. So-

Wait, how does- are you my guardian angel?

Oh no, girl, I’ve never looked down on you before. You seem like a queen though.

Thanks! “Queen” -now there’s a phrase I haven’t heard in a while.

Oh yeah, excuse my old-fashioned vocab. This is my first time on Earth, even as an apparition lady.

Oh. No problem! So how do I move on?

MMM! It’s a simple two-step process. One: you sit there. Two: I present this slideshow detailing an overview of your life!

AGH!! When did that get there?

Irrelevant. All you have to do is watch and listen, and you’re outta here! K-Oh, and just so you know, I didn’t actually make this slideshow, so I’m sorry if my delivery is a little rocky.

Oh you’re fine! (Popcorn moment) Ooh, thanks! Wait, if you didn’t make the slideshow, who did?

You did! Jane Marshall, 2007 to 2103.

Oh, look at that. Hm.

Early Years! Alright, looks like you were born in Dayton, Ohio in 2007! Two loving parents, Meg and Thomas. Aww… Oh my gosh! You were such a fun kid! Look at you, doing your own thing…

Ah, that was so long ago.

I know… Golden childhood. Can’t wait to see what you do next. Ooh, your class started the Teenage Slump… So, you started seeing yourself through the eyes of other kids for the first time, and you fell into that weird social hierarchy of trying to be liked- happen to the best of you people. But you kinda got sucked into wearing what everybody else was wearing, judging who everybody else was judging , et cetera. Aw, kinda sad. Used to be so creative and confident. Then high school! You definitely found a nice group, even though, mmm, you did start thinking a lot about how you looked and whether or not you were pretty, comparing yourself to other girls… that stinks-

Wait, okay, that’s true, but I also did a lot of great stuff! I was valedictorian, and I got a 35 on the ACT.

Mmmm, the speaker notes don’t mention any of that. It says you worked hard and used your brain to it’s full capacity, which you were proud of, but you also had a blast and made great memories with your class. Oh, though it does have a little asterisk saying you spent a lot of time with people who brought you down.

Wait, what-?! Okay, let’s just move on to the next slide.

Alright! Your twenties and thirties! Oh great, you went to NYU and loved it! Met a great guy- Preston, okay! He seems like a cutie. The two of you were friends , but you were secretly crushing on him… I bet you ended up together. Ooh, looks like you planned to major in English on the Creative Writing side, become and author-

Well I ended up in journalism actually. New writing. And I didn’t marry Preston- I married Jackson. We worked at newspapers in New York together for awhile after grad school.

Oh. Oh. Oh, yes, I see, Jackson Marshall. Oh.

…What is it?

Oh, it’s nothing! It’s fine. It just looks like- well…

What?

Preston was your true love , but you didn’t think he liked you back, so you never asked him out when really he liked you but didn’t say anything because his roommate Jackson liked you too. So, you married Jackson, and he was fine, but… I don’t know! Also… journalism was never your dream!

…Okay, so some things didn’t work out. Everything turned out fine. Go on.

Okay. AWWW. Look at these cuties! Gracie and Will. Aw, it says you raised them really well!

That’s one thing I did right.

Oh don’t say that! Dang this is moving really quickly.

Yeah those years went by so fast. What was it? 2040’s 2050’s?

2060’s now, oh no you’re sixty.

What the heck?! We were just on raising the kids! Now i’m retired?!

Yeah… but it’s okay! Looks like you got some great travel in with Jackson!

Well… we went to one or two places, it kind of got away from us.

…How?

Oh yeah, I moved into the nursing home when Jackson died in 2085.

It looks nice.

What’s this section?

Uh, this is just a little summary of your life in hours and percentages. I’m sure it’s no big deal.

Okay.

So, here’s all 96 years of your life and what you did with them. 26 years old sleeping-

What?!

Uh, yes, these are all statistics based on how the minutes added up in total. so, for “years at work” you would say “I worked in journalism for forty years” but technically you spent 13 years solely at work. And you spent 7 years trying to fall asleep. 10 years in school. 4 years eating. 1 year and 4 months exercising. 1 year and 3 days socializing. 22 years doing other things!

Twelve years on screens?!