Michael lines (All)

michael in the bathroom

JEREMY. “Boyf,” what does that even mean?

My mothers would be thrilled

JERMEY. I hate this school.

Its all good. I saw, on Discorvery, that humanity has stopped evolving.

JERMEY. That’s….good?

Evolution’s survival of the fittest right? But now, because of technology…you don’t have to be strong to survive . Which means theres never been a better time in history to be a loser.

JEREMY. Thanks.

So own it! Why try to be cool when you can be-

JEREMY. Signing up for the play .

I was gonna say getting stoned in my basement but—

JEREMY. No, I mean— look who’s signing up for the play.

(Christine’s ballet ) CHRISTINE

CHRISTINE

JERMEY. I guess evolution’s not for everyone.

You dont have to do this. Of course, I’ll mock you forever if you don’t.

JERMEY. So? what do you think ?

He’s scamming you. He’s scamming you super weirdly.

JERMEY. I’m doomed to be a loser till the end of the world. No, probably then too.

No way. You’re like this Crystal Pepsi I bought on eBay that expired in 1996

JERMEY. Unsafe for human consumption?

Better with age

MR. HEERE. Is that a girl? Are you here with a girl? Oh. Hi Michael.

Hey, Mr. Heere.

Mr. HEERE. Good talk.

How is he doing?

JERMEY. How does it look?

You heard from her?

JERMEY. On long island, with her high school prom king. She moved on, why cant he?

Hey—

JERMEY. rich said his hook-ups at the payless, what if we go there ourselves? Just to see if his story checks out?

And if it does? Will you be too cool for…video games

JERMEY. If this is real…my whole life could change.

Technology isn’t dangerous on its own. It’s about how we choose to use it. So don’t screw it up.

JERMEY. Alright. here goes…everything.

How does it taste?

JERMEY. Minty.

How do you feel?

JERMEY. Like…. A chump

Nothing? At all? Try to say something cool.

JERMEY. I think I just blew my bar mitzvah money on a Wintergreen Tic Tac.

Yeahh… Not cool.

JERMEY. Please leave me alone to mourn in my chili fries, forever.

Five minutes.

JERMEY. Where are you going?

Check it out. Guy in Spencers gifts is hooking me up with a case of Ecto Cooler. It’s the Ghostbusters tie-in drink that they discontinued in the 90’s

JERMEY. What does it taste like?

Ghosts.

JERMEY. Michael? Oh my god, I’m so glad to see you!

Really? so you haven’t been avoiding me all day?

JERMEY. What are you talking about?

First you ditch me at the mall, then at lunch you wont even look at me.

THE SQUIP. I told you, I have access to your optic nerves. I have been blocking Michael from your field of vision.

Jeremy? What are you staring at all creepy and stuff?

THE SQUIP. Micheal is a link to Jeremy 1.0. To upgrade, you have to be willing to make sacrifices.

Seriously man, Whats up with you? You’ve been acting shady ever since… since…It worked, didint it? Jeremy! That’s amazing! we gotta test it out, we gotta celebrate, we gotta celebrate, we gotta- get stoned in my basement!

JERMEY. I’M GETTING THE UPGRADE RIGHT NOW

Jeremy? You coming?

JEREMY enters bathroom

Sup

JEREMY. Michael? I didn’t know you were invited to this party.

I wasn’t. Which is why i’m wearing…this clever disguise! (Pause) You’re speechless. Squip got your tongue?

JEREMY. It’s…off

That would explain why you’re talking to me.

I’ve been thinking about this moment. What I would say to you? I had this really pissed off monologue, an epic journey through twelve years of friendship.

What?

JEREMY. It’s really good to see you, man

Well it won’t be. Once you hear what I found out.

JEREMY. Found out?

About…

JEREMY. How? There’s nothing on the internet —

Which is weird, right? I mean, what’s not on the internet? So, I started asking around. Finally, this guy I play Warcraft with…told me how his brother went from a straight D student to a freshman at Harvard. You know where he is now?

JEREMY. Really happy and successful?

He’s in a psychiatric hospital.

totally lost it.

JEREMY. I don’t see what this has to do with…

Think, man! We’re talking an insanely powerful supercomputer and you’re using it to, what, get laid? Did it ever occur to you there could be consequences ? That you’re messing with something you don’t understand?

JEREMY. You’re the one who said technology isn’t dangerous.

Yeah! Unless you use it like…YOU!

JEREMY. And I thought Chloe was jealous.

I’m trying to look out for you!

JEREMY. And I don’t know about you’re friend’s brother’s whatever , but , if your telling me his squip made him crazy.

His Squip didn’t make him crazy.

JEREMY. Oh. Well…there you go.

He went crazy trying to get it out.

JEREMY. Then I’ve got nothing to worry about. Why would I want that ?

Move it

Or you’ll what?

JENNA. Hello! other people have to pee!

I’m having my period!

MR. HEERE. Michael!

Mr. Heere, What are you doing here?

MR.HEERE. We need to talk about Jeremy

Sorry, Jeremy and I arent friends anymore—

MR.HEERE. Do you love him?

What?

MR.HEERE. But that’s no excuse to sit around burning incense while he turns himself into a monster!

Yeaahhh…I’m gonna go—

MR.HEERE. JUST KEEP PUSHING THROUGH TILL THE PAIN IS GONE

WHEN YOU LOVE SOMEBODY YOU PUT YOUR PANTS ON

Look, I already tried to help him and he called me a loser.

MR.HEERE. Then we would be losers! Is that what you want?

…No

MR.HEERE. Say it like you mean it!

No?

MR.HEERE. Say it like you’re in the army.

NO!…Sergeant? I don’t know

THE SQUIP. Im going to improve your life if I have to take over the entire human race to do it.

MICHAEL MAKES AN ENTRANCE

JEREMY. Michael!

I was in the audience, thinking , this is really good for a school play. Then I’m like, This is WAY too good for a school play. They’ve all been squipped right?

JEREMY. You came to see me in the play?

Even brought my own refreshments.

JEREMY. Is that—

Mountain dew red. I told you I did my research.

JEREMY. That’s amazing! Give it to me!

Okay. Wait. No.

JEREMY. But I need it!

And I need an apology. I think that’s in order, I mean, you treat me like I don’t exist, blow me off when I try to help you—

JEREMY. Sssssaaaaaa—Srrrrrrr

Seriously? is it that hard to say sorry?

JEREMY. YYYYEEEES! C’mon, man ,this is important

Well this is important to me!

JEREMY. Its a word!

Its a gesture! Gestures matter!

JEREMY. This is so you! You love to feel superior because you don’t care about being popular !

Of course I care! I just know its never gonna happen!

(JEremy fights)

AHHHH

JEREMY. Well I’m jealous you don’t!

Then why are you hitting me?

(Fight resumes) JEREMY. Ow

(Jake enters)

Jake! This is gonna sound weird, but if I hold down Jeremy , can you make him drink this mountain dew red?

JEREMY. Michael…The bottle. There’s a few drops left.

How are we supposed to get to it?

JEREMY. “Apocalypse of the damned" level nine—

(same time) The crematorium!

BOTH? ITS A TWO PLAYER GAME SO WHEN WE MAKE AN ATTACK YOU KNOW YOU GOTTA BROTHER GONNA HAVE YA BACK

Got it!

JEREMY. Michael!

Jeremy! catch!

JEREMY. Michael ! what happened ? All I remember is the noise…

Oh man, it was wild ! You passed out. Then everyone passed out. Then the audience went crazy! They’re saying it was the best school play in years! (Off Jeremy) It was a good plan. The Squips were linked, so destroying one of them would destroy all of them. When did you figure it out?

JEREMY. I didn’t. I was just trying to save Christine. Pretty stupid, right ?

No, actually…It makes you less of an asshole than I thought

JEREMY. After everything I did…You were still there for me.

Oh I was fully prepared to watch you suffer.

JEREMY. Wow.

Then someone reminded me: When you love someone, you…Well. It sounds better when he says it.

JEREMY. It doesn't matter. After what I did ,I’m lucky if she even wants to go to the same school at me…What?

It’s reassuring. He still needs us.