Communication & Conflict Resolution - Exam 3

Transactional Analysis: Rituals

• Structured transactions

• Safest form of transactions

• Ex: “How are you?” → “I’m fine”

Strokes

• Responsive social actions that provide recognition & attention to another person

• Can be verbal, nonverbal, &/or electronic

  • Nonverbal

    • Ex: touch, gesture, eye contact

  • Electronic

    • Ex: email, text

• Individuals need strokes to survive & thrive both physically & psychologically

• Can be

  • Positive, negative, or non-stroke

  • Internal or external

  • Conditional or unconditional

Positive Strokes

• “Warm fuzzies”

• Refer to any recognition that is direct, appropriate, relevant, & leaves the recipient feeling significant

• Ex:

  • Compliments

    • Ex: “I like your outfit”

  • Signs of affection

    • Ex: “I’m glad we’re friends”

  • You run into an ex-romantic partner while shopping. You say “Hi!”

    • Your ex says “Hi” back to you

• When people don’t get positive strokes, they seek any kind they can, even if it it negative

Negative Strokes

• “Cold pricklies”

• Any recognition that is negative

• Ex:

  • Insults, criticism, physical abuse, laughing at someone

  • You run into an ex-romantic partner while shopping. You say “Hi!”

    • Your ex says “Whatever", rolls eyes, & turns the other way

Non-Strokes

• Perceiving no noticeable recognition (no response) after a transaction stimulus

• Any stroke is better than no stroke

• Ex:

  • Ghosting someone (not acknowledging them)

  • You run into an ex-romantic partner while shopping. You say “Hi!”

    • Your ex does not acknowledge you

      • This is worse than a negative stroke b/c you may not know whether your ex saw you, didn’t feel comfortable saying “Hi” back, or intentionally ignored you

Internal/External Strokes

• Internal

  • Ex: self-praise, self-soothing behaviors, fantasies

• External

  • Strokes from others

Recognition Hunger

• People desire & seek out strokes

• When children are younger, most strokes are physical (ex: breastfeeding, hugs, cuddling), but as they grow older, words & gestures also become important strokes

• During childhood, the youth test & learn strategies & behaviors that result in strokes

Stroke Reservoir

• Individuals store strokes (they remember strokes)

• People need to keep their reservoir filled to feel good about themselves

• People have different sized reservoirs (they need different #s of strokes to feel good)

Stroke Value

• Each stroke carries value based on the content & the individual who delivers the stroke

• Ex: 

  • “I love you”

    • Generally has more value than “I like you”

    • Generally has more value from a spouse than from a stranger

  • A diamond ring given as part of a marriage proposal generally has more stroke value than given as a birthday gift

Unconditional Strokes

• Have no strings attached

  • Ex: “Your photograph is beautiful”

Conditional Strokes

• Have strings attached

• Designed to change someone’s behavior

• Can be

  • Performance-oriented

  • Accommodation-oriented

  • Conformity & Compromise-oriented

Performance-Oriented Strokes

• Strokes are only given when a person performs a certain behavior, meets a certain goal, &/or produces a good result

• Thus, strokes are withheld based on someone’s judgement (ex: parents)

• Rules for performance-oriented conditional strokes are known since the person has well-developed parent scripts to guide behavior

• Children raised in these environments will often become very performance oriented

  • They may feel inadequate when they can’t perform well enough to get the strokes

  • They may have trouble understanding how someone can feel good just by trying

• Ex:

  • “For each ‘A’ you get on your report card, I will give you $20”

  • “You make me proud b/c you were the best hockey player on the ice today”

Accommodation-Oriented Strokes

• Strokes must be earned, but the rules for getting strokes are unknown

• People receiving mostly accommodation-oriented strokes learn to please others to receive strokes

  • Ex: agreeing with them, being funny, being caring, not being controversial

• People may become very anxious since they don’t know how to give unconditional strokes

• They may constantly fear rejection since they don’t know how to receive unconditional strokes

Conformity-Oriented Strokes

• Strokes are withheld when a person doesn’t conform or follow the rules

• The parent has given rules on how to keep strokes, but not necessarily on how to get stokes

• Majority views, family values, &/or family traditions should be followed to get the strokes

• Conformity & compromise are encouraged

• Children raised in these settings often lose original thought

• Ex: “Son, I am really proud of you when you dress like that"

Natural (Free) Child

• Most emotional & spontaneous

• Represents the natural & spontaneous impulses/emotions of a very young child

  • Ex:

    • loving, happy, impulsive, fearful, angry, hateful, sad

    • “I saw a spider & felt so scared!”

    • “The clown was really funny!”

    • “I love you sooooo much!”

Little Professor

• Most inquisitive & intuitive

• Represents a thoughtful, wise, creative, inquisitive, or imaginative child who knows how to manipulate others to get what they want

• Ex:

  • “If you buy me the toy, then you will be the best big brother ever”

  • “If you take out the trash for me, you will be the best husband”

Critical Parent

• Finds fault, criticizes others, passes judgments, &/or blames others

• Ex: 

  • “Can’t you do anything right?”

  • “You are so disrespectful”

  • “B/c of you, we’re losing our house”

  • Child says “You’re not allows to smoke here”

Nurturing Parent

• Provides support, nurturance, comfort, sympathy, & protection

• Ex: 

  • “You are a very special person”

  • “It will be okay; it could happen to anyone”

  • “Here, let me help you with that”

  • “Don’t worry. I will protect you”

  • Mother smashes finger, & the child nurtures the mother while she is driving to the hospital

Prejudicial Parent

• Reflects the attitudes/opinions/standards set by authority figures; often without objective reasoning (they just follow what they have always seen or heard)

• The person is often just stating cliches they heard without even thinking

• Tells us what we ought or should do

  • Ex: how to dress, how to speak, gender roles

• Ex: 

  • “Don’t talk to strangers”

  • “Kids should be seen & not heard”

  • “Always chew with your mouth closed”

  • “What goes around comes around”

  • “It is what it is”

Transactional Analysis: Adult

• Language of logic/rationality, learned concept

• Computer metaphor

• Objectively deals with reality & the outside world, accumulates & organizes info, tests ideas, estimates probabilities, makes decisions

  • Ex: crossing a busy road or running a chainsaw requires processing multiple pieces of data to ensure safety

• Often validates messages from the Parent

  • Ex:

    • Prejudicial parent: “You should always look both ways before crossing a street"

      • Adult: “You are so right. I could get hit by a car if I don’t look both ways”

Transactional Analysis: Scripts

• Ways of interacting that are learned from decisions made during childhood

• Can be

  • Healthy

    • Ex: work hard to advance

  • Destructive

    • Ex: addiction, depression, madness

• Examples of parental strokes that can turn into life scripts for children

  • “You always want to rule to roost”

  • “You are always getting into trouble”

  • “You will be liked by others if you just _____”

• Are maintained by the “games” people play

Transactional Analysis: Games

• Refer to a classification of repetitive counterproductive transactions (social interactions) designed to get strokes, often in devious & sometimes deadly ways

• Learned (often predictable) patterns of behavior with a concealed/ulterior motive

• Are considered the building blocks of people’s life scripts (we learn methods to get strokes)

• Most people have a few favorite games they play with different people & in varying intensities

Improving Your Communication & Conflict Resolution

• Make communication a priority

• Enhance your listening skills

  • Hearing & listening are not synonymous. When a person thinks they are listening, they are often just preparing their next response

  • People often focus on their own thoughts, feelings, & points instead of acknowledging others’ thoughts, feelings, or messages

  • Try to keep your biases from interfering with your listening skills

  • Try to listen non-defensively

• Prioritize conversational involvement

  • Show interest in a conversation through verbal & non-verbal cues

    • Face your partner & maintain eye contact

    • Provide appropriate verbal feedback

      • Ex: polite acknowledgement

    • Provide appropriate nonverbal feedback

      • Ex: open & receptive body posture, nod, smile, make eye contact

• Prioritize conversational management

  • Consciously focus on making the conversation equitable & enjoyable for all people engaging in the conversation

• Don’t interrupt

  • Wait for other people to complete their message

• Avoid unsolicited advice, comments, & criticism

• Use reflective listening

  • Clarify your understanding of what your partner is saying by restating what you have heard, & then ask your partner to confirm if you are understanding correctly

• Use the 1-minute drill

  • Speaker 1 talks for 30 seconds, while Speaker 2 listens w/out interrupting while using respectful & receptive body language & avoiding negative body language

    • Respectful & receptive body language

      • Ex: being quiet, making eye contact, leaning forward, avoiding negative facial gestures

    • Negative body language

      • Ex: frowning, shaking head side to side

  • After the 30 seconds, Speaker 2 summarizes what Speaker 1 said as accurately as possible

  • The roles are then reversed for 30 seconds

• Use the 2-question approach

  • Ask a question in response to the answer

  • Following up on what the person is saying shows that you are interested

  • The goal of questions is to better understand the other person’s pov, not to interrogate the person so blame can be affixed

  • Ex:

    • “What happened?”

    • “Why do you think it happened?”

• Ask open-ended questions

• Use “I” statements/messages

• Stay focused on the issue

• Focus on what you want instead of what you don’t want

  • Ex: 

    • “I don’t want you spending so much time with other women at parties” vs. “I want you to spend more time with me at parties”

      • The 1st statement is likely to get a more defensive response

• Treat the other person with respect, even when you feel frustrated or angry

• Make constructive requests that seek to change the way you interact with the other person

  • Requests should

    • Begin with “I would like"…” statements

    • Call for positive actions

    • Be respectful by using words like “please”

    • Speak in the language of wants rather than needs

• Consistently praise your partner for fulfilling your requests & be sure to respond to your partner’s requests

• Offer each other ongoing, positive feedback

  • Negative feedback is likely to make things worse, but positive info will probably help keep the relationship open to positive change

  • Research has shown that 1 brutal comment can erase 20 acts of kindness

• Don’t assume any issue will disappear over time

Reflective Listening

• aka Parallel talk, Parrot talk

• Paraphrasing or restating what a person has said while being sensitive & nonjudgmental to what the person is feeling

Enhancing Reflective Listening

• Asking questions that encourage a person to share more info

• Summarizing the feeling(s) & content of what was heard without a biased interpretation

• Inviting the other person to respond to your summary

• Reflecting back the other person’s response to your summary

Outcomes of Reflective Listening

• Lets other people know you heard what they said

• Helps other people identify & label their emotions

Reflective Listening Involvement

• Listening Orientation

  • Being more focused on listening than responding

    • “Listening looks easy, but it’s not that simple. Every head is a world”

    • “We have 2 ears & 1 mouth so that we can listen 2x as much as we speak”

• Providing

  • Support conversation

    • Ex: eye contact, head nodding

  • Verbal affirmations

    • Ex: “I see”

• Understanding/Empathy

  • A sincere desire & effort to understand others from their internal frame of reference (trying to understand what the person is feeling & what led up to these feelings)

• Acceptance/Validation

  • Accept the other person’s feelings or views as legitimate, whether you agree or disagree

  • Ex: if a person is very upset over something you consider to be trivial, don’t invalidate by saying they should not be upset

  • By accepting/validating the other person’s feelings, a more open dialogue can ensue

• Reflecting/Mirroring Technique

  • Concisely paraphrasing what the other person said while focusing on specific & present feelings

  • Make the statement sound like a conjecture or question

    • Ex: 

      • “I think what you are trying to say is…”

      • “It seems like you feel that…”

      • “What I hear you saying is…”

      • “Let me see if I understand you; you…”

      • “I get the impression that what you are saying is…”

3 Types of Reflective Listening

• Repeating/Rephrasing

  • Listener repeats or substitutes synonyms or phrases so as to retain the original message as close as possible

  • Ex: 

    • Friend: “I get so mad b/c my husband never listens to me!”

      • You: “So, you feel upset when you believe he doesn’t listen”

• Paraphrasing

  • Listener figures out the point the speaker is trying to make, & after the person stops talking, the receiver states the deduced message

  • Ex:

    • Coworker: “My boss gives more work than I can handle. It is way too much work. I don’t want people thinking I’m trying to get out of doing my job, but she’s really got me totally buried. I don’t know how I can get all of this work done. I won’t be able to finish it all, & then people will think I am slacking”

      • You: “It seems like you are overwhelmed with too much work & you are worried others may think you are not doing your job”

• Reflection of Feeling

  • Listener infers & highlights the underlying feelings of the speaker

  • Ex: 

    • Significant other: “I’m sick & tired or you being late all the time. You are so inconsiderate. Don’t you even care about making me have to wait?”

      • You: “It sounds like you feel hurt & angry b/c I was late, & you feel that my being late means I don’t care about you or that I am being inconsiderate”

Advantages of Reflective Listening

• Listener gains info b/c the other person is more likely to self-disclose underlying feelings/issues

• More open & trusting relationship occurs when the other person is not worried about being invalidated

• Corrects misunderstandings & misinterpretations

Barriers to Reflective Listening

• Focusing on responding instead of listening

• Rehearsing

  • Thinking about what you want to say instead of focusing on what the other person is saying

• Filtered listening

• Being so focused on the facts & not listening to the other person’s feelings

• Not giving support conversation or continuing another task while “listening”

• Interrupting

• Focusing on problem solving/giving advice instead of understanding & supporting

• Not believing the other person’s problems are important (invalidating)

  • Ex: parents & other adults often don’t take children’s & adolescent’s problems seriously

• Believing you have “heard it all before”

  • This is especially a problem with intimate partners

• Scripted responses where you just keep reflecting their message back to avoid open communication

• Pretending to understand

• Overreaching or giving meaning that goes far beyond what the other person has expressed (giving a psychological explanation for the feeling)

I-Messages vs. You-Messages

• I-Statements

  • aka I-messages

  • Statements about yourself & your feelings

  • More likely to result in a caring response

    • Ex: 

      • “I am sorry you feel let down”

      • “Why are you upset?” 

• You-Statements

  • Statements about what the other person did & how they made you feel

  • Will often result in a defensive response

    • Ex: “No. I didn’t!”

• Ex:

  • “I feel let down” vs. “You broke your promise to me”

  • “I feel I’m not being listened to” vs. “You never listen to what I have to say”

  • “I feel neglected when I was alone at the party” vs. “You are so rude when you leave me at the party by myself”

You-Statements vs. I-Statements (Comparison Table)

5 Types of I-Statements

• Declarative

  • I-statements that are used to self-disclose one’s beliefs, ideas, likes/dislikes, feelings, reactions, interests, attitudes, & intentions

  • Ex: 

    • “I don’t like sports that are violent, such as boxing or rugby”

    • “I love you”

    • “I feel happy & alive when I am hiking”

• Positive

  • A clear sincere message that expresses a positive feeling in response to another person’s actions

  • Communicate something about yourself, not evaluations of the other person (ex: praise, blame)

  • Ex:

    • “I feel good when…” 

    • “I enjoyed it so much when…”

    • You-statement: “You were such a good boy to put your breakfast dishes in the dishwasher this morning”

    • I-statement: “I felt good not having to put your dishes away b/c it saved me some work”

• Responsive

  • Can be used when a person is asked to do something they don’t want to do

  • We will often agree to do something we don’t want to do b/c

    • We feel obligated

    • We don’t want to feel guilty

    • We didn’t have time to think it through (got caught off-guard)

    • We want to please the other person

  • Should give a clear refusal

    • Ex: “I have decided not to…”

    • If a clear refusal isn’t given

      • “I am too busy right now…”

      • Then the person may ask again at a later time

  • Can include the reason for the refusal

    • Ex: “I can’t take you to prom b/c I am going with someone else”

  • Could be for responding “yes” to someone’s request

    • Ex: “I would enjoy meeting you at 3pm since we haven’t seen each other this week, & I miss talking to you”

• Confrontive

  • Non-blameful, non-evaluative message that tells the person what you’re experiencing when you feel their behavior is interfering with your needs

  • Used to facilitate open, direct, & sincere communication about an issue

  • Important to identify the problem as well as what is creating the problem, but without placing blame

  • Important to demonstrate the effect the behavior has on you

  • Ex:

    • “You make me so mad when you interrupt me” vs. “When I am interrupted, I don’t get to finish what I am saying. So, I feel my views are not valued”

    • “You are so inconsiderate & make me mad when you trample on the flowers I planted” vs. “I don’t think I will be able to enjoy the flowers I planted if they are walked on”

    • “You are so disrespectful when you turn the TV up so loud that I can’t even carry a conversation with your mother” vs. “When the TV is on so loud, I have difficulty carrying on a conversation with your mother”

• Preventative

  • Help communicate to other people your needs &/or what you expect; hence, preventing conflict & miscommunication

  • Used when you desire cooperation/support from someone in the future &/or when you want to influence someone to take a particular action in the future to avoid your displeasure (you don’t approve of a person’s behavior)

  • Ex: 

    • “You make me so upset when you don’t come home right after school” vs. “I would like you to tell me when you aren’t coming home right after school, so I won’t get worried when you don’t”

    • “You’re always getting into trouble & begging to go to the arcade when we go to the mall” vs. “We are going to the mall in a few minutes, so I’d like us to decide what special rules we’ll need to prevent any problems”

Caveats of I-Messages

• Can sound like a You-Statement when the tone of voice & demeanor are belittling, sarcastic,or angry

  • Ex: a high school student states an I-statement using a very sarcastic & snide tone

• Will not result in solution-oriented & positive communication when used improperly

  • Ex: there is an implied threat & blame when a parent yells “I feel so mad, & I feel like washing your mouth with soap or slapping your face when I hear cuss words”

• Can be manipulative if they are used to control or change the other person

• Can sometimes become circular with so solution-oriented talk

  • Person gives an I-statement about some negative feeling, which then results in a reciprocal response from the other person about a negative feeling they are having (ritual trouble talk)

  • A solution is to switch to reflective listening

• May not be appropriate in some cultures

Content vs. Context Reframing

• Content

  • Changing the meaning of a situation/behavior

    • Identify alternate meanings for the same situation/behavior/action

    • Identify a positive benefit of the situation/behavior/action

• Context

  • Taking a situation/behavior that appears to be useless, harmful, or distressing, & then demonstrate how the same situation/behavior can be useful in a different context

    • Most behaviors/actions are useful or appropriate in some context

    • Often changes its meaning

    • One way is to change the time &/or space of the event or situation

      • Ex: a young woman was concerned b/c her parents used their life savings to add an extension to their house for her to live in after she got married

        • Context Reframing: reframe the situation to the parents & congratulated them for their willingness to share in the rearing of their future grandchildren

          • Ex: babies crying throughout the night, toddlers crawling everywhere, toys all over the house, babysitting

          • This reframing (setting the view of the situation in the future) created a positive but very descriptive representation of grandparenthood

            • Parents decided to rent the rooms in the new addition to “mature” adults & use the rent money to support their grandchildren’s education

Content Reframing (Comparison Table)

Context Reframing (Comparison Table)

Double Bind Overview

• Conflicting messages given negate each other

• Messages are mutually exclusive & contradicting

• Creates a dilemma where following or obeying 1 message or directive means the other message/directive is disobeyed

  • No matter what the person does, they will be wrong

• Especially frustrating when a person can’t confront or comment on the contradiction

  • Can’t resolve or avoid the dilemma

General Considerations About Conflict

• Conflict is a process

• All relationships experience conflict

  • Occurs in both successfully functioning & dysfunctional relationships

• Destructive conflict is detrimental

  • A meta-analysis indicated hostile conflict behaviors in interpersonal relationships were related to decreased relationship quality & satisfaction

  • Meta-analyses indicated hostile interparental conflict was related to increased youth anxiety & worse youth psychosocial development

• Conflict is not necessarily bad

  • Even thought the media often portrays conflict as bad

  • Productive &/or positively resolved conflict may keep relationships from collapse & may result in stronger relationships

  • It isn’t the existence of conflict that is problematic for the family

    • It is the methods of managing & resolving conflicts that are important

• Conflicts can be diffused at any time

• People manage conflict in different ways

  • People do not have just 1 conflict strategy.

    • Instead, people use various conflict strategies, depending on various factors

      • Ex: roles of each person in the conflict, reason for the conflict, context

  • People often fall back on the same conflict strategies

    • They may feel more comfortable using the same conflict strategies

    • They may have won or resolved conflicts in the past using the strategies

• Couples generally establish their own unique conflict style within the 1st 2 years of marriage

• 1 style of conflict resolution won’t work in all situations

• Children often model their parents’ conflict strategies

  • Conflict strategies children learn are often carried into adulthood

  • Some parents don’t allow their children to see them upset or in conflict

    • This can create an unrealistic view of interpersonal dynamics & relationships

  • Parents can model for their children how to positively manage &/or resolve conflict

• Important to understand & learn different conflict-handling strategies

  • Increases tools (most appropriate approaches for positively resolving a disagreement

  • Understanding different styles can help individuals recognize their predominant strategies

    • Then they can learn how to change if necessary

Competitiveness

• High concern for self

• Low concern for others

• Goal is to win the conflict & make the other person lose (often at their expense)

• Person often operates from a position of power

  • Ex: position, rank, expertise, persuasive ability

• Person has a low interest in cooperation, knows what they want, & takes a firm stand

• Strategies can include:

  • Making a request for change

  • Using persuasion through info, evidence, & emotional appeal

  • Using aggressiveness to get change

    • Ex: yelling, threatening, cursing

• 1 way to determine a win is by getting concessions from the other person(s) in the conflict

• Especially helpful when:

  • There is an emergency & a decision needs to be made fast

  • The decision is unpopular

  • Defending against someone who is trying to exploit the situation selfishly

• Can result in bruised, unsatisfied, & resentful feelings when used in less urgent situations

Collaboration

• High concern for self

• High concern for others

• Goal is to try & meet the needs of all people involved & facilitate a win/win outcome

• Everyone feels they won

  • No one feels they had to compromise what they want

• Collaborators can be highly assertive, but they cooperate effectively & recognize everyone is important

• Especially helpful when the person

  • Needs to bring together a variety of viewpoints to get the best solution

  • There have been previous conflicts in the group

  • Situation is too important for a compromise

Avoidance

• Low concern for self

• Low concern for others

• Seeks to evade conflict

• Often has low assertiveness & low cooperation

• Typified by delegating controversial decisions, accepting default decisions, & not wanting to hurt anyone’s feelings

• May involve indirect communication 

  • Ex: hinting, joking, passive-aggressive behaviors

• May be more common in families or cultures where harmony is valued over individual needs

• Especially helpful when:

  • “Winning” is impossible

  • Controversy is trivial

  • Someone else is in a better position to solve the problem

• In many situations, this is a weak & ineffective approach to take

• Can lead to unresolved frustration or anger

  • Can make the conflict worse

  • Can lead from avoiding the conflict to avoiding the person

Accommodation

• Low concern for self

• High concern for others

• Concern for cooperating with others & meeting their needs at the expense of their own needs

• Person can be persuaded to surrender a position even when it’s not necessary

• Person isn’t assertive but is highly cooperative

• Especially helpful when:

  • Issues matter more to the other party

  • Peace is more valuable than winning

  • Person wants to be in a position to collect on this “favor” later

    • Others may not return favors later

• Unlikely to result in the best outcomes

Compromise

• Medium concern for self

• Medium concern for others

• Solving conflict by partially meeting needs of each person

  • Everyone can accept the solution

• Especially helpful when:

• Cost of conflict is higher than the cost of losing ground

• Equal strength opponents are at a standstill

• Is an immediate deadline

Beltliner

• aka “Hitting Below the Belt”

• When a person intentionally brings up a sensitive subject to cause the other person pain

  • Attacking areas of personal sensitivity creates distrust, anger, & vulnerability

• Ex: bringing up an abortion your partner had years ago when you know she is extremely sensitive about it

Gunnysacking

• aka Stockpiling

• Not responding immediately when angry. Instead, the person puts resentments into an imaginary gunnysack with other complaints. When the sack fills up & bursts, the person pours out all pent-up aggression onto partner

  • Storing up lots of grievances, complaints, & hurt feelings over time is counterproductive

  • Very difficult to deal with numerous old problems

    • Many of which will have gained a different meaning or interpretation over time

  • Try to deal with problems as they arise

Benedict Arnold

• Failing to defend partner from other attackers &/or encouraging ridicule from others outside of relationship

Gameplaying

• Covering up motives & trying to trick others into doing things

• Ex: 

  • Not calling, even thought you want to talk, just to see if your partner will call first

  • Spending time with the opposite sex friend to make your partner jealous

Disqualification

• Cover up an emotion revealed earlier

• Ex: “I only said I hate your mother because I was in a bad mood. I didn’t really mean it”

Denial

• Saying “I’m okay” when you aren’t okay

Disengagement

• Avoid interacting with the other person as a way to cause the person pain

Sabotage

• Person tries to ruin or undermine an activity planned by another person to get revenge or to hurt them

• Ex: spouse doesn’t want to host a dinner party, so acts rude or bored to ruin the evening

Displacement

• Taking out anger on someone or something else

  • Person can displace their anger on themselves

    • Ex: self-deprecating thoughts, self-mutilation

• Ex: you are having a bad day at work, & then you come home & kick the dog

Guilt-Making

• Make others feel responsible for your pain

• Ex: “Your rude behavior has made me so upset & depressed”

Mind Reading

• Assume you know what the other person is thinking, & hence, you don’t allow the other person to express their own feelings/thoughts

Kitchen Sinking

• Bringing up many issues at once

  • Everything but the kitchen sink is added to the argument

Off-Beaming

• Jumping from topic to topic & never letting 1 topic get resolved before moving to another

  • Person deflects the conflict by moving the topic to something else

Trivial Tyrannizer

• Does trivial things to annoy another person

• Ex: 

  • Trimming toenails in bed

  • Playing loud music when you know the other person is trying to sleep or study

Triangulating

• Bringing another person into the conflict

  • Creates loyalty conflicts

    • Especially when it’s 2 parents involving a child into their conflict

• Ex: 

  • Trying to get the 3rd person to take your side

  • Having the 3rd person deliver messages btwn the 2 people who are arguing

  • Saying bad things to the 3rd person about the other person

Pseudomutuality

• Family/Couple establishes patterns of behavior to appear happy & harmonious b/c they aren’t allowed to have conflict &/or they ignore the conflict

Gottman’s 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse

• 4 Horsemen

  • Criticism

  • Contempt

  • Defensiveness

  • Stonewalling/Resistance

  • Belligerence (extra horseman)

Criticism

• Refers to making disapproving judgments &/or negative evaluations about a partner

  • Different than a complaint

  • Attack of the partner’s character

• Pervasive criticism will often lead to contempt

• Ex: “You always come home late, so I always have to eat by myself. You obviously think other things are more important than spending time with me. You are so uncaring!”

• Alternative:

  • Use a “soft or gentle start-up”

  • State the issue in a neutral way

  • Use “I-statements” to bring up an issues w/out attributing blame

    • Avoid using “You-statements”

  • Complaint should focus on a specific behavior instead of criticizing the person

  • Finish by stating a positive need

    • Focus on what is wanted, not what is wrong

  • Ex:

    • “I feel lonely when I eat dinner by myself. I like eating with you. What can we do to have more dinners together?”

Contempt

• Refers to feeling & treating a partner as inferior &/or not desirable

• Person using contempt assumes a position of moral superiority

• Ex:

  • Being mean or disrespectful, mocking with sarcasm, ridiculing, name calling, eye-rolling, scoffing

  • “Once again, you FORGOT to take out the trash? Do you have dementia or are you just freaking lazy?!?!”

• Alternative:

  • Build a culture of appreciation & respect in your relationship

  • Routinely & frequently express respect, gratitude, appreciation, & affection toward a partner. These positive acts can help buffer negative behaviors & feelings

  • Use Magic Ratio

  • Ex: “I know you have been distracted lately with all the stress at school, but please take out the trash when you get home? Thank you for helping me around the house. I am so appreciative”

Magic Ratio

• Engage in at least 5 positive interactions to every 1 negative interaction

  • These consistent deposits (positive interactions) into an “emotional bank account” help encourage relationship satisfaction

Defensiveness

• Typical response to criticism from a partner & refers to routinely preparing to defend oneself against perceived attacks from a partner

  • Ex:

    • Playing the innocent victim, making excuses, not taking partner’s concerns seriously, not taking responsibility for actions, reversing blame on partner

    • “I didn’t mow the lawn b/c you didn’t tell me to mow the lawn. I am not a mind reader!”

• Isn’t usually a successful strategy since it often escalates the conflict

  • Especially when neither partner backs down nor apologizes

• Alternative:

  • Giving a non-defensive response communicates an understanding of the other person’s perspective & feelings

    • Can also express an acceptance of responsibility or admission of fault, even if partial responsibility (when appropriate)

  • Ex: “Oh shoot, I meant to mow the lawn today, & I got sidetracked. I’m sorry. I will get to it tomorrow”

• Occurs more frequently in troubled relationships

Stonewalling/Resistance

• Often a response to contempt

• Refers to resisting or refusing to take a partner’s grievances seriously

  • Allows a partner to avoid or delay issues that produce tension

• Often results from feeling emotionally overwhelmed

• Individuals who stonewall all the time (chronic stonewallers) may fear rejection or retaliation from their partners

  • Individuals are hesitant to acknowledge any angry emotions by themselves or their partner

• Ex: “Oh my gosh, how many times do we have to go over this. If you are going to bring this up again, I am going to the bar”

• Strategies

  • Ignoring or tuning out the discussion

  • Engaging in distracting behaviors

  • Avoiding or evading the interaction or argument

  • Trying to shut down the argument

    • Ex: 

      • “When you yell, I can’t even think”

      • “We have already discussed this, we don’t need to discuss it again”

  • Withdrawing or leaving when an argument seems imminent

  • Shutting down & not responding

  • Starting to brood & refuse to talk

  • Using the Hit-&-Run Tactic

  • Insincerely giving up

    • Ex: telling a partner insincerely that “you are right”

• Alternative:

  • Engage in physiological self-soothing

    • When individuals realize they are emotionally overwhelmed & stonewalling in the discussion/argument, they can ask to take a brief break (ex: a time out) from the argument (ex: at least 20 mins)

      • During the break, engage in something soothing

        • Ex: mindfulness activity, exercise

      • Once a partner doesn’t feel so emotionally overwhelmed, the discussion can continue

        • Hopefully more productively

    • Ex: “I know this is important to you, & I want to discuss it, but I feel a bit overwhelmed right now. If I take a short break, maybe 20 mins, then I’ll be ready to talk more? Thanks for listening to me”

Hit-&-Run Tactic

• Bringing up a grievance or complaint & then leaving no time to discuss an answer or get resolution

Belligerence

• Honorary horseman

  • Added later

• Refers to expressing anger & frustration in threatening &/or aggressive manners

• Those who are belligerent will engage in little compromise & often threaten to end the relationship instead of trying to fix any issues in the relationship

• Ex: “If you can’t come home to eat dinner, then I guess I can move out & find someone who would actually like to eat dinner with me”

Gottman’s Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: Research Results

• In stable couples, the amount of positive affect in the conflict was the only variable that consistently predicted marital happiness & stability

  • Shared humor, expressions of warmth, interest, & affection help deescalate arguments

• Anger wasn’t the most destructive emotion in marriages

  • Neither conflict nor anger necessarily predicted relationship dissolution (ex: divorce), but the conflict processes did predict divorce

• Contempt was the strongest predictor of divorce

• The following interaction pattern most strongly predicted divorce btwn a husband & wife:

  • Wife brought up a complaint → Husband refused to accept any influence → Wife reciprocated her husband’s escalated negativity → Neither spouse deescalates using positive affect

    • The negativity could be demonstrated with anger, belligerence, contempt, defensiveness, disgust, fear, sadness, tension, whining

Conflict Resolution

• Constructive Conflict

  • Refers to behaviors which serve as a learning experience for future conflicts, or that make the relationship stronger

• Info exchange is an effective tool to alleviate conflict

  • Respectfully asking for more info before automatically reacting to a conflict-triggering event can provide a buffer btwn the conflict-triggering event & both people’s reactions

• Before you begin, determine:

  • Exactly what is bothering you

  • Whether your feelings are proportional to the issue

  • What are the possible outcomes that could be acceptable to you

• Know yourself

  • Self-awareness is very important to positive conflict resolution

  • You need to know your biases, hot spots (triggers), needs

• Use good timing

  • Set a tie for a discussion that is as soon as possible, & agreeable to all parties involved

  • Discuss issues when:

    • You are alone with your partner in private rather than in public

    • You & your partner have sufficient time to talk

    • You & your partner are rested & generally feel good

  • Be aware if you negotiate more positively in the morning, afternoon, evening, night

  • Bringing up something when the other person is unprepared may result in more defensiveness b/c the other person may feel attacked

  • If there isn’t enough time to fully discuss an important issues, then try to find a later time for the discussion

    • It’s okay to begin a discussion with the understanding that there will be a later, more in-depth discussion

      • Ex: “Let’s get started in the time we have available, but let’s talk about this more tonight when we get home”

    • If there is resistance to setting a time, help the other person see why the issue is important

• Manage the physical environment

  • Find a neutral room for the discussion

  • If the conversation starts in a more public place, suggest a more private place

    • Ex: if you are at work, & a coworker confronts you, then suggest moving to a private room to talk

  • Eliminate distractions

    • Ex: turn off phone, computer, TV, radio

    • Phubbing

      • aka Phone Snubbing

      • Ignoring another person by focusing on one’s phone or mobile device

      • Females phubbed their companions more than males

      • Females were phubbed by their companions more than males

      • Smartphone addiction, Fear of Missing Out (FOMO), & lack of self-control were all positively related to increased phubbing & being phubbed

      • Phubbers were perceived as less polite & attentive

      • Negatively related to perceived quality of conversation

      • Partner phubbing was related to decreased relationship satisfaction

  • Let the other person go outside for a few mins to “cool off”

  • Have children occupy themselves for the next hour w/out interrupting you & your partner

• Listening

  • It is the right of each partner to be heard

  • Face each other with an open body posture

  • When individuals are upset or angry, they rarely use words that convey the real issues or feelings

  • Listen to the reasons the other person gives for being upset

  • Need to understand where the other person is coming from before defending our own position

  • Need to listen for what is felt as well as what is said

    • Strengthens & informs us

  • Use empathic or Reflective Listening

    • Listen w/out judging, try to hear the feelings behind the statements

  • Try to keep an open mind to view differences from our own

• Make sure good relationships are the top priority

  • Do your best to treat the other person calmly & courteously

  • Try to build mutual respect

  • Think “if one loses, we both lose”

    • The idea isn’t to “win”, but to come to a mutually satisfying & peaceful solution to the issue

• Keep people & problems separate

  • Recognize that in many cases the other person isn’t just “being difficult”

  • Real & valid differences often underlie differences of opinions

  • By separating the problem from the person, real issues can be debated w/out harming relationships

• Set ground rules that outline appropriate & inappropriate behaviors during negotiation

  • One person speaks at a time

  • Info shared in the discussion will remain confidential unless otherwise stated

    • Don’t involve others into the negotiation unless discussed 1st

• State the problem & say what you really mean in clear language

  • Stick to the facts

  • Be specific about what is bothering you

  • Vague complaints are difficult to resolve

  • State your wishes & requests clearly & directly

• Avoid accusations & attacks

  • Avoid “You-Messages”

  • Accusations will result in defensive posturing by the other person

• Own your own feelings 1st

  • Use “I-Messages”

• Clarify the real issue, rather than making assumptions

  • Always check your perceptions

  • Try to understand what the other person is telling your from their pov

  • Repeat the message you think you received (paraphrase) & ask if you understood correctly

  • Reflect the feelings you thought you heard

• Shelve your agenda

  • Temporarily delay your own needs to meet those of the other person

• Encourage the other person to share

  • Ex: issues, perspectives, feelings

  • Use encouragers

    • Comments &/or nonverbal gestures that encourage the other person to continue talking & sharing

    • Ex: 

      • “I want to understand what is upsetting you”

      • “I want to know what you need to feel better”

  • Ask questions that help gain more info so the other person will know you are trying to understand

    • Ex: “Can you say more about that?”

  • Ask if anything remains unspoken

    • Give the person time to think before answering

• Validate the other person’s concerns & feelings

  • Ex: 

    • “I can imagine how upsetting that must have been”

    • “I really appreciate that we are talking about this issue”

    • “I hear you; I will watch for that”

• Don’t interrupt

  • Resist the temptation to interject your own perspective until the other person has said everything they want to say

    • This will demonstrate that you have listened to & understood their messages

• Negotiate from the “adult” position

• Use appropriate affectionate touch before & during conflict

  • In real & imagined contexts, affectionate touch (ex: holding hands) before & during conflict was related to:

    • More constructive conflict behaviors

    • Less destructive conflict behaviors

    • Less stress

  • In imagined contexts, affectionate touch was related to higher/better state intimacy/security & cognitive interdependency (couples see themselves as a collective)

• Avoid ultimatums

• Resist giving the silent treatment

  • Is sometimes used as a manipulative strategy to control the situation

  • When one person stops responding, frustration, anger, & mind-reading can result

    • None of which help resolve conflict effectively

  • Positive resolution can only be attained with 2-way communication

• Refuse to fight dirty

  • Do not engage in name-calling, beltliners, blaming, passive-aggressive behaviors, gunnysacking, rapid fire questioning

  • Call “time-out” & “foul” when someone fights dirty

• Praise the other person when they do what you request

  • Expressing appreciation can be very impactful when conveyed with integrity & respect

• Focus on the issue & on the present

  • Deal with only 1 issue at a time

  • If you are still upset about old issues, hurts, & resentments, your ability to see the current situation is impaired

  • Instead of looking to the past & assigning blame, focus on what you can do now to solve the problem

  • Don’t introduce other topics until each is fully discussed

    • When people express all their complaints or issues, it’s difficult for anything to be resolved

  • If a person brings up a past issue, validate the issue

    • Ex: “I see this is still bothering you. B/c it’s important to you, it’s also important to me. Let’s resolve our current issue, & then talk about that one”

• Don’t generalize

  • Avoid words such as “never” or “always”

  • Generalizations are often inaccurate & can increase frustration

• Avoid fabricating & exaggerating issues/feelings

  • Exaggerating or inventing an issue &/or exaggerating your feelings will prevent real issues from surfacing

• Use humor & comic relief when appropriate

• Never use sex to avoid or smooth over a disagreement

• Always go for closure

  • Explore options together

  • Discuss the advantages & disadvantages of each option

  • Be ready for compromise

  • When there is agreement, celebrate

  • If no solution has been reached on the issue, schedule a time to begin the discussion again