I have 4 hours to memorize a monologue I hate this

1

Well then, how can you say such a thing?

2Well then, how can you say such a thing?

I want you to get married!

I want you to get married!3

How many times have I said to you “I want you to get married?”

How many times have I said to you “I want you to get married?”4

Only this morning, I was saying to your father, I said “Sextimus, I want this boy to get married, it just isn’t normal for a boy that age to stay single!

5Only this morning, I was saying to your father, I said “Sextimus, I want this boy to get married, it just isn’t normal for a boy that age to stay single!

“And after all, he is a prince,” I said, “Don’t forget that.”

“And after all, he is a prince,” I said, “Don’t forget that.”6

He’s next in line to the throne.

He’s next in line to the throne.7

I mean, we’re not the oldest people in the world, but we’re not going to live forever, and I just know that I would feel much better much easier and much more relaxed in my mind if he were married, settled and set.

I mean, we’re not the oldest people in the world, but we’re not going to live forever, and I just know that I would feel much better much easier and much more relaxed in my mind if he were married, settled and set.” 8

And that is absolutely, verbatim, exactly what I said to your father this morning.

And that is absolutely, verbatim, exactly what I said to your father this morning. 9

Of course, he didn’t say anything, he never does.

Of course, he didn’t say anything, he never does.10

But you know him just as well as I do, I don’t have to tell you about how impossible he is.

But you know him just as well as I do, I don’t have to tell you about how impossible he is.11

But that’s my cross of pain, and I don’t want you to worry your head one tiny bit about the fact that your father and I don’t get along and never have.

But that’s my cross of pain, and I don’t want you to worry your head one tiny bit about the fact that your father and I don’t get along and never have. 12

If he makes me miserable and makes me suffer, I just have to put up with it, and I will not allow it to affect my child’s attitude towards him or me.

If he makes me miserable and makes me suffer, I just have to put up with it, and I will not allow it to affect my child’s attitude towards him or me.13

He may be a mean, stupid, dreadful, selfish, rotten man, but he is your father, and I want you to respect him.

He may be a mean, stupid, dreadful, selfish, rotten man, but he is your father, and I want you to respect him. 14

There is only one person who really cares about you and worries about your health and your happiness and your future, and that’s what I am talking about right now, your future.

There is only one person who really cares about you and worries about your health and your happiness and your future, and that’s what I am talking about right now, your future. 15

I want to make myself absolutely clear, I want you to get married, but I don’t want you to marry just anybody.

I want to make myself absolutely clear, I want you to get married, but I don’t want you to marry just anybody.16

After all, marriage is a lifetime partnership, and I wouldn’t want my little boy to make the same mistake I did and end up miserable like I did.

After all, marriage is a lifetime partnership, and I wouldn’t want my little boy to make the same mistake I did and end up miserable like I did.17

You are a prince, and you must marry someone suitable, someone who’s good enough and smart enough and fine enough for my good, nice, sweet, beautiful boy.

You are a prince, and you must marry someone suitable, someone who’s good enough and smart enough and fine enough for my good, nice, sweet, beautiful boy.18

And of course, she has to be a princess.

And of course, she has to be a princess.19

I mean, a real princess.

I mean, a real princess.20

That’s the one thing I absolutely insist upon.

That’s the one thing I absolutely insist upon. 21

She has to be a real, genuine, bonafide princess just as I was.

She has to be a real, genuine, bonafide princess just as I was.22

That’s what you really want, isn’t it?

That’s what you really want, isn’t it?23

Someone like me?

Someone like me?24

Oh, God! If only I were 20 years younger!

Oh, God! If only I were 20 years younger!25

Just remember this, you must trust me.