TIGER - Bengal Tiger at the Baghdad Zoo

Emstage Audition Monologue

(Start monologue)

The lions escaped two days ago. Predictably, they got killed in about two hours.

The lions escaped two days ago. Predictably, they got killed in about two hours.

Everybody always gives lions so much credit. But I am bigger than them. I am bigger than those motherfuckers. 

Everybody always gives lions so much credit. But I am bigger than them. I am bigger than those motherfuckers. 

They liked to show off the lions here because they had eight. Eight fucking lions.

They liked to show off the lions here because they had eight. Eight fucking lions.

Which is why they had them in that big outdoor lion’s den. Which is why they all got away. All eight of them took off as soon as the wall got blown up.

All eight of them took off as soon as the wall got blown up.

Typical lion-like behavior. Three square meals a day, and the idiots take off.

Typical lion-like behavior. Three square meals a day, and the idiots take off.

And what happens? Ka-boom. I mean, it’s the middle of the war. Use your head.

And what happens? Ka-boom. I mean, it’s the middle of the war. Use your head.

Leo, the head lion—I mean, they were all named fucking Leo— but Leo calls out to me just before he takes off, “Hey Tiger, you gotta come with!”

“Hey Tiger, you gotta come with!”

 I said, Leo, you dumb stupid bastard, they’re killing anything that moves

 I said, Leo, you dumb stupid bastard, they’re killing anything that moves:

And Leo—this is right over his head— he yells back, “Suit yourself!” Then he runs off.

“Suit yourself!” Then he runs off.

Suit yourself. I’m still freaking locked up in here, Leo! What’re you gonna do, steal the keys and let me out?

What’re you gonna do, steal the keys and let me out?

These lions were dumb as rocks. They think that because they can suddenly escape, everyone else can, too.

They think that because they can suddenly escape, everyone else can, too.

I won’t lie. When I get hungry, I get stupid. I screwed up twelve years back. I just followed the scent, took a bite and then, fhwipp!

I just followed the scent, took a bite and then, fhwipp!

This tranquilizer dart comes out of nowhere, and I wake up in Baghdad. So that was depressing.

So that was depressing.

 Imagine, it’s your everyday routine… maybe you want to grab a bite to eat, and then whack! Curtains.

Curtains.

 And you open your eyes and you’re in this concrete block. Tiger of the Tigris.