When love turns to war

After conflict insecure anxious individuals will continue to have _________ because their ___________ system is still activated.

negative affect, attachment

After conflict, insecure anxious individuals will ______ their relationship quality based on ________________

evaluate, how the conflict ended

After conflict, insecure anxious individuals are more likely to focus on the _________________ of their partner 

negative trait attributions 

After conflict, insecure avoidants will be less likely to __________ for the conflict. 

blame themselves 

After conflict, how can insecure avoidant individuals go back to intimate interactions? 

Use the sexual system for stress relief 

When insecure avoidants go back to intimate interactions after conflict how does their satisfaction compare to secure individuals?

Less

Most ____________, much like heterosexual ______ are more expressive (engages, focused on connecting) when attempting to resolve conflict

lesbian couples, women

Since lesbian couples are more expressive when attempting to resolve conflict, they have a “___________” of Oxytocin 

double dose 

______________ are more expressive during conflict resolution than ______________

Partnered gay men, heterosexual men

In heterosexual couples, men focus on __________ while women focus on _______________

the topic of contention, the implicit relationship messages

What are the first signs of breaking up according to Profs. Gottman?

1. External stressors

2. Unmet needs and barriers to self-expansion

3. Multiple instances of partner unable to be the safe-haven and secure base 

After a partner shows inability to be a safe-haven or secure base for their partner, during everyday conversations, one partner shows ________ in the other and are more focused on themselves rather than the relationship.

disinterest

After a partner starts to show disinterest in the other, there are _______________ and their values, beliefs, and activities become more divergent.

fewer connected conversations

Arguments that begin with negative, accusatory, or comments that display _________, _________, and _________ (most detrimental to emotions) are the first real sign of a break up

contempt, disgust, microaggressions 

What is the second sign of a break up?

Four Horsemen

What are the Four Horsemen?

1. Criticism

2. Contempt

3. Other becomes defensive

4. Stonewalling 

Attacks the character of the partner

Criticism

“You are…” would be an example of which of the four horsemen?

Criticism

When is criticism seen in adults?

When they lack both autonomy and relatedness during a parent-child conflict 

Sarcasm, cynicism, name-calling, eye-rolling, sneering, mockery, and hostile humor

Contempt

Showing lack of respect for the other is an example of which of the Four Horsemen?

Contempt

“You don’t matter.” is an example of which of the Four Horsemen?

Contempt 

Partner believes they can behave with _____ and are fine with the consequences that come with it

Contempt

When our character is attacked

Other becomes defensive

When a partner “reads our mind” (negative manner) this is an example of which of the Four Horsemen?

Other becomes defensive 

Cross complaining (“but you also…”) is an example of which of the Four Horsemen?

Other becomes defensive 

Tune out the partner’s criticism

Stonewalling

Someone does not respond to a critic from their partner is an example of which of the Four Horsemen?

Stonewalling

Which insecure attachment style is most likely to engage in stonewalling?

Insecure-avoidant 

When a person engages in this Four Horsemen concept, it is seen by the partner as smug and/or icy distance

Stonewalling 

How can we minimize the criticism element of the Four Horsemen?

Reflect on possible causes of the behavior and avoid trait attribution

“I understand that you need/have…” or “When you…I feel…” or “You are really good at…so could you…” are examples of statements to minimize which of the Four Horsemen?

Criticism

Connecting to the partner’s emotions and reminding them of the positive pieves they are still invested in would be examples of how to minimize which of the Four Horsemen?

Criticism

Which of the Four Horsemen involves avoiding “You” statements and using more “I” statements when trying to minimize it?

Criticism

How can we minimize the contempt element of the Four Horsemen?

Identify the past hurt

Thinking about what you appreciate about your partner and how often you express it is an example of a way to minimize which of the Four Horsemen?

Contempt 

In which of the Four Horsemen are we less likely to express the positives about our partner?

Contempt

How can we minimize the other becomes defensive element of the Four Horsemen?

Thinking about what part of my action have I not explained to my partner

What should you do if your partner feels there is a harsh start-up during the other becomes defensive stage?

Take a time out and acknowledge that emotions are high

Talking about differences in thoughts and solutions (What can i do and what can you do?) would be a way to minimize which of the Four Horsemen?

Other becomes defensive 

Which of the Four Horsemen involves explaining way harsh start-ups do not work to minimize this element?

Other becomes defensive

When a partner feels overwhelmed and starts to be hypervigilant for cues that may trigger negativity from their partner 

Flooding 

What is the third sign of a break up?

Flooding

What is the result when a partner starts to experience flooding?

Partner starts to disengage emotionally 

What are the two elements that happen in between the third and fourth sign of a break up?

1. Little thought about repairing the hurt

2. Assess the cost-benefit of the relationship

What should a partner do if they start to engage in the in-between contemplative steps between the third and fourth signs of a break up?

Engage in a distracting activity

What is the fourth sign of a break up?

Body language 

Fight or flight response gets activated and partner is focused on protecting themselves with decreased focus on solving conflicts

Body language

What are the 3 things that couples are taught in couples therapy?

1. Cycle de-escalation

2. Restructuring interactions

3. Consolidation

Learning about the Four Horsemen in couples therapy 

Cycle de-escalation 

Learning to promote felt security in a partner (“I am still your secure base and safe haven”)

Restructuring interactions

Creating a new narrative and new engagement styles to solve problems

Consolidation

Which teaching element of couples therapy is focused on stopping the first steps of negative interaction cycle (i.e. The Four Horsemen)

Consolidation 

What is the fifth sign of a break up?

Failed repair attempts

What do Profs. Gottman say about when repair attempts by one partner fail?

Strong indicator that the relationship is heading towards a break up

What are the two concepts that explain why a partner might not want to repair what is broken?

1. Attachment theory

2. Interdependence theory 

What is the sixth sign of a break up?

Bad memories

One or both partners recall the past in a negative light and bring these up during conflicts (“this is just like the time you…”

Sixth sign (bad memories)

Which sign of a break up is where all the hurtful remarks or behaviors that were not resolved start to really impact the relationship?

Sixth sign (bad memories)

Which sign of a break up involves the Zeigarnik Effect?

Sixth sign (bad memories)

From the Ted Talk: Dreams Within Conflict Conversation what was question 1?

“What is your ideal dream from the conflict?”

From the Ted Talk: Dreams Within Conflict Conversation what was question 2?

“Do you have any background or childhood history that causes you to have this dream from the conflict?”

Which attachment type would benefit from the Dreams Within Conflict Conversation the most?

Insecure-avoidant