Mean Girls: Cady 1 - 26

Mrs. Heron: Cady! Harakisha, binti! It’s almost time to go!

I’ll be right there! I’m saying goodbye.

Mrs. Heron: I’m sorry I had to take this new job, Cady. It breaks my heart to take you away from the only home you’ve ever known.

Mom, it’s okay.

Mrs. Heron: But the United States is so—

Politically unstable and everyone’s on opioids! Mommy, I’m not afraid.

Mr. Heron: You ready?

So ready.

Mr. Duvall: We have a new student joining us. She just moved here fro Arkansas—

Africa.

Mr. Duvall: Africa. Everyone welcome Caddy.

It’s Cady.

Mr. Duvall: Kay-dee? My apologies. I don’t do well with these modern names. In my day, you were named Lisa or Keith. That was it. Now I have a nephew named Drogon. Why?! Maybe introduce yourself.

Hello, my name is Cady Heron—

Ms. Norbury: Cady, hi. I’m Ms. Norbury. I’ll be your homeroom teacher. Here’s your roster. I see I also have you in AP Calculus. You must have had excellent teachers at your old school.

I was homeschooled.

Ms. Norbury: Homeschooled. That’s a fun way to steal money from my union.

Right, no, um, my parents are biologists and we’ve been living in Kenya. But yeah, I love Calculus.

Ms. Norbury: Okay, think you can follow this schedule?

I think so.

Janis: You don’t want to sit there. Dawn Schweitzer saves that seat for her boyfriend.

Could I just sit here today?

French Teacher: Blah blah blah French. Cady, comment tu t’appelles?

Je m’appelle Cady.

Janis: Pick your French name.

The French people I know just call me Cady.

Janis: Just say Marie.

Marie.

Coach Carr: Where do you think you’re going, hotshot?

I need to urinate.

Coach Carr: No way, José—

It’s Cady.

Coach Carr: — You gotta ask permission and then you gotta carry this lavatory pass that’s a carving of a whale.

May I please have the lavatory pass?

Damian: Hey! You’ve been in there a very long time. You are either doing drugs or very constipated from using drugs!

No! I—

Janis: This is Damian. He’s almost too gay to function.

I’m Cady.

Janis: What he’s saying is, we’ll help you, Caddy.

Thank you so much. But it’s Cady.

Damian: When did you move here?

Three days ago.

Janis: Why did you stop being homeschooled?

I wanted to get socialized.

Damian: BUT NEITHER TEAM WOULD TAKE ME. SO THEY CAN BITE ME.

Who’s this?

Damian: DARLING, THAT’S THE MATHLETES.

Cool!

Damian & Janis: JUST COME TO LUNCH AND SIT WITH US!

Okay!

Damian & Janis: HERE’S WHERE YOU BELONG!

Whoa. Who’s at that table there?

Regina: Wait. Why don’t I know you?

I don’t know. I’m new here. I used to be homeschooled.

Regina: Wait, what?

I just moved here from Africa.

Regina: Shut up! Shut up!

I didn’t say anything.

Regina: You’re like, really pretty.

Thanks.

Regina: So you agree? You think you’re really pretty?

Oh, I don’t know…

Regina: Oh my god, I love your bracelet. Where did you get it?

My mom made it.

Karen: Have you ever touched a tiger?

No, those are mostly in India.

Regina: RIGHT. WE NEVER REALLY DO THIS, BUT HOW’D YOU LIKE TO HAVE LUNCH WITH US THIS WEEK?

Oh, it’s okay—

Regina: NO. NO NEED FOR YOU TO THANK US.

But—

Gretchen: COME SIT WITH US TOMORROW, IT’LL BE FETCH!

They want me to have lunch with them all week—

Damian: She means, “that’s great!”

— but I already said I’d sit with you guys. Maybe we could all have lunch togeth—

Damian & Janis: Never!/Not really an option.

I don’t know why you hate them so much. Regina seems kind of cool.

Janis: Damian! Shall we not? Caddy, take their offer. And then come back and tell us every stupid moron thing they say.

Like spy on them? Isn’t that bad?

Janis: Caddy, we’re your friends. Would we ask you to do something bad?

Okay. Do you have a pink shirt I can borrow?

Ms. Norbury: Heron, Cady?

Here! Sorry I’m late.

Aaron: Hi, I’m Aaron.

Me Cady.

Aaron: Are you new?

I just moved here. So I could have human friends.

Ms. Norbury: “The limit as ‘X’ approaches two of ‘X’ plus one,” the function is what we’re taking the limit of. I don’t expect you to know yet—

“X” equals three.

Ms. Norbury: That’s right, actually. Let’s try another one. “Find the value of ‘K’ for which the following limit exists.” For the limit to exist we have to cancel from the denominator—

“K” equals negative three.

Aaron: Wow. Are you trying to make the rest of us feel dumb?

I’m not trying to. It’s just happening.