SFL 223 Preparation for Marriage (Leavitt) Exam 2

4 benefits to marriage

1. Married people tend to live longer, get less sick, are healthier overall

2. Married people tend to be wealthier; they save more and spend less

3. Married people tend to be more sexually fulfilled when compared to single people who are sexually active

4. Married people tend to be happier

4 threats to marriage

1. Secularism - separating marriage from God

2. Materialism - believing money brings happiness

3. Individualism - believing the family exists to serve the individual

4. Hedonism - believing pleasure is the highest form of happiness

5 deinstitutionalizing factors of marriage

Four Trends (Cherlin)

1. Changing Division of Labor in the Home

2. Out of wedlock childbirth (+40%)

3. Growth of Cohabitation (+70%)

4. Legalization of Same-Sex Partnerships

Other Trends

1. Historically High Divorce Rates (40-45%)

2. Declining Marriage Rates

Fragmentation of marriage

separation of marriage from God, children, and sex

A Time for Faith, Not Fear - Elder Larry W. Gibbons suggestions to help you face challenges in your life

1.Trials and difficulties are a necessary part of life and not a sign that the Lord has forgotten us or is displeased with us.

2."Lift up thine eyes" (Isaiah 60:4).

3.Diligently live the commandments.

4.You are not alone.

5.When we face hard times valiantly, we are in good company.

6.Facing a trial builds faith and confidence.

7.Answers to prayer and solutions to problems generally come as we act.

8.God has armed you for your trials.

9.Turn the matter over to the Lord and wait patiently.

10.Listen to Church leaders.

What does the For the Strength of Youth pamphlet recommend when thinking about how you treat your own or another's body?

-Treat your body - and others' bodies - with respect

-Do things that will strengthen your body

-Keep sex and sexual feelings sacred

-Your respect for yourself and others will increase as you honor your body through behavior, appearance, and dress

Heavenly Father wants us to see each other for who we really are: not just physical bodies but His beloved children with a divine destiny. Avoid styles that emphasize or draw inappropriate attention to your physical body instead of who you are as a child of God with an eternal future. Let moral cleanliness and love for God guide your choices. Seek counsel from your parents.

Your body is in the image of God—the most glorious, majestic Being in the universe. The scriptures compare our bodies to a holy temple, a place where the Spirit can dwell.

Balance Passion

Move Away from fear and reconnect wtih yourself

Passion is Innate

Passion

A strong attraction for a particular activity or interest must be coupled with the unique potential, talents, and capacities of the individual for it to become an expressed positive passion

Purpose: To express who you are to others, esp those you care about thereby

developing a passion requires

1.Make a self audit - what's working for you and what isn't? Where are you holding yourself captive? See things as they are

2.Follow your freedom/What feels good -

3.Engage - take action; perfectionism is the enemy of action; clarity comes from engagement

ways to create passion

Take a power pose

Engage with your body

• Take up some room

• Speak up

• Positive self-talk

• Meditate

The way you engage with your body can influence your passion

Stages of dating

1. Pre Dating Stage (Relationship)

2. Group Dating Stage (friendship)

3. Paired Dating (Companionship)

4. Exclusive Dating (Partnership)

5. Engaged Dating (Courtship)

Stages of dating - can you move throughout the stages?

YES - they are not linear; move back and forth as necessary

-What does paired dating offer individuals?

"Simple and more frequent dates allow both men and women to "shop around" in a way that allows extensive evaluation of the prospects.

It encouraged conversation.

It allowed you to see how you treat others and how you are treated in a one-on-one situation.

It gave opportunities to learn how to initiate and sustain a mature relationship.

Refine social skills & talents

➢ Experience a range of potential partners

➢ Experience self with other

How is dating different than hanging out?

Dates are paid for, planned ahead, and paired off

Dating is pairing off to experience the kind of one-on-one association and temporary commitment that can lead to marriage in some rare and treasured cases.

- no commitment

- no growth

- no perusing

-What advice does Elder Oak give men?

Men, if you ever return from your mission, and you are still following the boy-girl patterns you were counseled to follow when you were 15, it's time for you to grow up.

Gather your courage, and look for someone to pair off with.

Start with a variety of dates with a variety of young women, and when that phase yields a good prospect, proceed to courtship. It's marriage time.

That is what the Lord intends for His young sons, adult sons, and daughters. Men have the initiative, and you men should get on with it.

What advice does Elder Oak give women

young women, resist too much hanging out, and encourage dates that are simple, inexpensive, and frequent. Don't make it easy for young men to hangout in a setting where you women provide the food.

Don't subsidize freeloaders. An occasional group activity is okay, but when you see men who make hanging out their primary interaction with the opposite sex, I think you should lock the pantry and bolt the front door. If you do this, you should also hang out a sign, "Will open for individual dates," or something like that.

And, young women, please make it easier for these shy males to ask for a simple, inexpensive date. Part of making it easier is to avoid implying that a date is something very serious. If we are to persuade young men to ask for dates more frequently, we must establish a mutual expectation that to go on a

date is not to imply a continuing commitment."

5 Tips for dating

1. Choose to have a good time and help the other have a good time

You should say "No" to the date. But if you do say "Yes," choose to have a good time. Choose to help your date have a good time. Be other focused.

2. Take risks

Tell them something that is a little revealing about who you are. Take off a little emotional armor. Be comfortable with rejection. If you get turned down, it's no big deal. Who knows what's going on in their life.

3. Be comfortable with rejection

Move on to the next opportunity. Be comfortable. You're not always going to, you know, hit the mark every single time. Not every date is going to be a homerun, right? We need to understand that we're going to have some mismatches

4. Lower the stakes

Realize that you're dating to get to know someone. You are not dating and committing to this person in a serious relationship. That's why so many people are afraid to even ask someone out on a date, is because the risks or the stakes are so high.

5. Take responsibility for your relationships

Are you doing what it takes to create a good, healthy relationship? Are you curious about this person? Are you a good friend? Are you reliable? Do you keep your commitments? Are you interested in them as well as sharing parts of yourself that create connection? And as to continue to implement mindful techniques in how we date, are you mindful about who and how you date? Are you present with that person? Or unfortunately, so many daters are on their phones while they're dating

Perks of going on bad dates

You still gain experience and information

Mindfulness in dating (present without judgement)

• Are you mindful about who and how you date?

• Are you living in a loving way? Are you dating in a loving way?

• Are you learning about this person's temperament? Preferences? Strengths and weaknesses? FOO? Testimony? Habits? Life goals? Desires for family, profession, recreation, leisure, money, control, service, devotion, loyalty, expressiveness?

Key Principles of Dating to Remember

• Optimal courtship is built on the foundation of other relationship experiences.

• Relationship, Friendship, Companionship, etc.

• Dating and social experience is needed.

• Greater self-awareness and maturity

• Greater appreciation of range of potentials

• Greater confidence in later courtship

• Ideal not always possible - use principles as a guide.

• It is possible to back-up in stages - you can move back and forth

• Pairing is powerful! Couple-status is very influential - use it wisely

• Don't marry someone you want to spend the nights with, marry someone you want to spend the hard days with

• Be intentional

• Be other focused

• Dating experience is helpful

3 levels of chastity

1. Behavioral chastity-

2. Spiritual purity -

3. Sexual wholeness -

Behavioral chastity

the do's and don'ts? Things I can do and can't do.

Spiritual purity

This is speaking to the motivations and intentions that you might have.

Sexual wholeness

where we are considering how we are engaging, using our own sexuality, thinking about our own sexuality in a relational way. How might I impact others in how I use my own sexuality? And certainly, "How am I impacting myself?", but at this kind of higher level of thinking about sexuality

definitions of emotional intimacy

• Dictionary Definition: close familiarity or friendship; closeness

• Research Definition: perception of closeness and an ability to share personal feelings with an expectation of acceptance and understanding

• Other Ideas: deep connection with another person, a willingness to be known and deeply seen

Types of Intimacy

1. Emotional - a feeling of closeness, a willingness to be seen and known

2. Sexual - sharing sexual experiences with someone. "Intimacy is often used as a euphemism for sex an inherently sex is an intimate experience, though some people take the intimacy out of it (i.e. one night stands)

3. Spiritual - developing a connection with God

4. Intellectual/Psychological - when people feel comfortable sharing thoughts and opinions together (even when they disagree)

5. Experiential - shared activities that create unity

Other?

Developing Intimacy

-Other validated: an early form of intimacy is to look to others for validation (needing someone to affirm that you are worthwhile) when you share thoughts, feelings, or opinions. This seems normal at first.

-Self-validated: a willingness to share who you are without a guarantee that the other person will accept you.

what it means to wear a mask in a relationship

Not being authentic; wearing emotional armor; not letting people know who you really are or how you think

Can you be emotionally intimate before marriage?

YES!

Does talking about weaknesses increase or decrease intimacy?

INCREASES intimacy

Is marriage 50/50?

NO! Marriage is 100%, it's taking responsibility!

Phases of Committed Relationships

1. Romantic Love

2. Adjusting to Reality

3. The Power Struggle

4. Re-Evalutation

5. Reconciliation

6. Acceptance

1. Romantic Love

Helps us to fall in love initially;

lasts 6 months to 2 years;

shortest phase

2. Adjusting to Reality

minor or major conflict in the new relationship;

these replace the effortless flow of the Romantic stage; loss of closeness; must address differences;

where REAL RELATIONSHIP begins

3. The Power Struggle

tend to be more disagreements, minor issues inflate;

typical stage of development of long-term committed relationship;

consider leaving relationship;

DEVELOP PROBLEM SOLVING, CONFLICT RESOLUTION AND NEGOTIATING SKILLS.

Listen respectfully and support partner's growth; emotionally draining

4. Re-Evalutation

if couple has survived power struggle, you move into this phase;

take into account your partner and what you know about them and evaluate if you want to stay.

Both people emotionally disengage and withdraw during this stage, so this stage separation, divorce, and or an affair are most likely to occur; feelings of resentment are less intense,

affect in the relationship is s flat and empty;

MUST STAY PRESENT AND HONOR THEIR COMMITMENT, DEVELOP INDIVIDUALLY AND BE ABLE TO SEE THERI PARTNER AS A SEPARATE PERSON

5. Reconciliation

Recommit and love again

IF relationship has survived, there is re-awakening of interest in getting closer and connecting;

decision to have willingness to try once again;

open acceptance of conflicts and differences, used as opportunities for learning about each other and self;

catalysts for growth and change;

create honest, genuine intimate relationship;

Couple connects again and relationship begins to produce ongoing satisfaction;

war is over, conflicts are accepted; desire to learn how to work through issues

Acceptance

Final stage; less than 5% of couples ever reach;

integration of need of self and needs of the relationship;

each person takes responsibility for own needs, individual lives, and supporting the partner;

high level of warmth;

couple maintains balance between autonomy and union;

work together as a team to stay connected and also maintain own identities

How is marriage both covenant and ordinance?

-ordinance - a sacred act or ceremony performed by priesthood authority

-covenant - a promise between us and God

We make promise before a bunch of people; adds pressure to take covenant more seriously; creates community of people who celebrate and support and help us keep this covenant

Connected; committed to helping each other keep covenant; contract is different, one person can make or break it

Adam & Eve - Re choosing

Stay together

Learn, grow, and circle your wagons

Don't give up on one another

Don't turn on one another in hard times

Forgive

Make it work

Carl Rogers

"Commitment/love is unconditional positive regard."

Why you should test drive a car and not a spouse

Have the hard conversations up front and learn to fight well

- Expose relationship to older, trustworthy people you respect

- If unsure, try marriage counseling even before you get engaged

- Include God

What are the power poses?

-Pride: ppl born w/ blindness at birth, they still do this even though they haven't ever seen it > hands up in air with face up

-Wonder woman pose:

-Standing or sitting: legs open, arms uncrossed

benefits of power poses

-Testosterone change: high power 20% increase, low power 10% decrease

-Cortisol: HP 25% decrease, LP 10% decrease

-Configures brain to be assertive or stress reactive

-Nonverbal DO govern how we think and feel about ourselves

-Bodies change our minds

-People bring their true selves in the interviews

what is considered a date according to elder oaks?

3 p’s: planned, paid for, paired off

What is commitment?

when you are concerned about the other person’s becoming