Scarlett lines - Clue

PLUM. If you say so.

SCARLET: Well, well, well. And I thought I'd seen everything

WADSWORTH. Miss Scarlet. Welcome. 1 didn't realize you and the Professor were acquainted.

SCARLET: We're not. The bridge is washed out from the rain. My car broke down, and this Professor offered to give me a ride. I didn't realize we were headed to the same place until ... we arrived.

WADSWORTH. indeed it is a long hall. But then, it's a very large house. This way please.

SCARLET. Say ... what is this godforsaken place anyway?

GREEN. Funny. I haven't much of an appetite at all.

SCARLET: My, my, this really is a party.

WADSWORTH. Miss Scarlet.

SCARLET: Hmm.

PLUM: Dinner? That was more like a cocktail minute.

Scarlet: Mr. Wadsworth, you were saying... "you never know when"... what?

WADSWORTH. What?

SCARLET: ..What?

WADSWORTH: Please be seated.

ALL: Do you see my tag?Is that me? Is that you? Oh, here you are Mr. Green. etc. etc.

WADSWORTH. Merely quoting, sir, from Alfred, Lord Tennyson.

SCARLET: I prefer Kipling myself. Do you like Kipling, Colonel?

PEACOCK. (With renewed confidence:) Yes, I am.

SCARLET: Who's your husband? Maybe I know him.

White: Well, he... just lies on his back all day.

SCARLET: Sounds like hard word to me

GREEN. (Mopping up SCARLET's chest with his napkin:) Sorry, sorry— I'm afraid I'm a little accident-prone.

SCARLET: Never apologize for your true nature, Mr Green

MUSTARD. (Officiously:) 1 am, sir.

SCARLET: Aren't you gonna mention the coincidence that you also live in Washington, D.C., Colonel?

MUSTARD. How did you know that?

SCARLET: Oh, I've seen you before.

GREEN.So, Miss Scarlet, does this mean that you live in Washington,

SCARLET: Sure do.

WADSWORTH. Ah, speak of the devil. Pardon me, please.(WADSWORTH exits through the door.)

SCARLET. Hey, I've got an idea.

Wadsworth enters behind cast

ALL: Oh!, Lovely door, What are you doing here? Just playing a game!, etc etc.

WADSWORTH. (Evermore the butler:) Can I interest any of you in fruit or dessert?

ALL. No!

PEACOCK. He's not here! Nobody's here! What is happening?!

SCARLET. (Offering:) Cigarette? It'll calm your nerves.

WADSWORTH. Ladies and gentlemen, these instructions are clear.

SCARLET. I'm glad something is.

WADSWORTH. "It will be to your advantage to be present on this date because a Mr. Boddy will bring to end a certain long standing confidential and painful financial liability."

ALL. (Ad-libbing:) Yes! / Yes, that's what myletter said / Indeed! (Etc.)

PEACOCK. Oh, please! What's someone going to blackmail mefor? I go to church every Sunday!

SCARLET. Yeah lady, don't we all

WADSWORTH. Until you'd received your letters, you hadn't known who was blackmailing you. But now, I'm sure that even the least discerning amongst you has determined that the man behind your ransom ... is Mr. Boddy himself.

(They freak out)

SCARLET. (Taking the reins:) Who is this Boddy fella, you brutish butler?!

WADSWORTH. I'm afraid I have no choice. We'll start with you,Professor Plum.

SCARLET. (Perching on the desk:) Oooh, this oughta be good.

WADSWORTH. So, your work has not changed. (Then:) But you can't practice medicine anymore, can you? Your license has been lifted, correct?

SCARLET. Why? What'd he do?

WADSWORTH. You know how male doctors aren't supposed to date their lady patients?

SCARLET. Yeah?

WADSWORTH. Not if it's publicly declared. But if you slip cash under the stall door at Old Ebbitt's Grill? How would you describe that transaction?

SCARLET. I'd say it stinks

GREEN/MUSTARD. (Piping up at the same moment:) so am I.

SCARLET. Not me.

WADSWORTH. You're not being blackmailed?

SCARLET. Oh, I'm being blackmailed, all right. But I did what I'm being blackmailed for.

PLUM. What did you do?

SCARLET.I run a non-governmental agency that handles.... classified affairs.

MUSTARD. (To SCARLET:) well, you tell him it's not true!

SCARLET. "It's not true."

PLUM. Is that true?

SCARLET. No, it's not true.

WADSWORTH: Mrs. White, you've been paying our friend the blackmailer ever since your husband died under, shall we say, mysterious circumstances.

SCARLET: (Laughing) That's why he's lying on his back all day! He's in a coffin!

WHITE. We had a very humiliating confrontation. He had threatened to kill me in public.

SCARLET. Why would he want to kill you in public?

WHITE. But, I didn't do it. I'd been out all evening, at the movies.

SCARLET. What was showing?

WHITE. The Naked Alibi.

SCARLET. A likely story

WADSWORTH. A crooked Senator's wife, a lascivious doctor, a disloyal Republican, and so forth ... not exactly adhering to an all-American standard of behavior, are you?

SCARLET. (Knowingly:) Depends on who you ask.

MUSTARD. (In earnest:) Apple pie. (A collective eye roll.)

SCARLET. All right, Wadsworth—so we're being blackmailed by a renagade mycharthiest. Where does that leave us?

WADSWORTH. There's no way out! (Lightning. They ALL begin screaming at WADSWORTH)

ALL. Locked?! / This is an outrage! / You can't hold us hostage! /Why?! (Etc.)

BODDY. How d'you do? (They speak at once.)

SCARLET. Why Are you blackmailing us? I'm frustrated that I find you attractive!

(WHITE emerges at the front of the group to expertly knees BODDY in the groin.)

SCARLET. (Impressed:) Ooooh. Mrs. White, in the Study with her knee!

WADSWORTH. (Getting their attention once more:) There is one more piece of information you may like to have.

ALL. What?!

PLUM: now let's not be rash- Can't you call them off?

SCARLET: Oh goody. policemen love me

BODDY. (Recovering:) Unless ..

ALL. Unless, what?

BODDY. You agree to double down.

SCARLET. And why would we agree to that?

BODDY. Because if you don't, I'll put this briefcase—containing all the evidence needed to expose your wrongdoings—in the hands of the police, the press, and the House Un-American committee. With the right spin, those fellas can make a commie outta anyone. I think some of you would face a lifetime of jail, and others, a lifetime of shame.

ALL. That's why you've brought us all here?! / You bastard! / Get that briefcase! / You're taking advantage of a tenuous political situation! (Etc.)

BODDY. Unless ...

ALL. (Including WADSWORTH:) Unless what?!

BODDY. Well, there is something you could do for me that would change the game. Something I just can't bear to do myself.

ALL. (Including WADSWORTH:) What?!

BODDY. (Pouring himself a brandy:) Anyone wanna make a guess as to what's in your boxes?

SCARLET. Perfume?

BODDY. (With a laugh:) Aren't guessing games fun? (Then:) Please—open them.

SCARLET. A Candlestick? What's this for?)

BODDY. I wouldn't have to double your payments if I didn't have to pay Mr. Wadsworth for his silence.

ALL. Wadsworth?!

BODDY. Why should I when the six of you are so uniquely moti-vated ... and armed?

SCARLET. What a patriot.

WADSWORTH. (Enormously relieved:) Oh thank goodness.

SCARLET. Is he breathing?!

WHITE. He's right. There isn't.

SCARLET. (Re: a hole in the wall:) Look, there's a bullet lodged here.

PLUM. I don't know! I'm not a forensics expert.

SCARLET. Something else must have killed him.

GREEN: Well, don't look at me! I didn't do it!

ALL. (Joining in:) Me neither! / I didn't do it! / What're you looking at me for?! (Etc.)

GREEN. I'm sure you'll be just fine— (She still screams.) There's nothing to— (SCARLET takes over, pushing GREEN out of the way. She slaps PEACOCK who falls onto the sofa, silenced, as the GUESTS gasp.)

SCARLET. (Offering an excuse:) Well, someone had to stop her screaming.

GREEN: How should I know?

SCARLET. Looks like now we'll never know.

MUSTARD. What body?

ALL. Boddy's body!

WADSWORTH. Well, one of you did. I would have killed him my-self, but I didn't have access to a weapon.

SCARLET. Don't look at me! All I got was a Candlestick!

YVETTE. only ze Cook.

ALL. (Looking out:) ZE COOK!

WHITE. It's the Cook!

SCARLET. With a Dagger in her back!

MUSTARD. well, who else would want to kill the Cook?

SCARLET. (A little laugh:) Dinner wasn't that bad.

MUSTARD. How can you make jokes at a time like this?

SCARLET. It's my defense mechanism.

PEACOCK. In the Study. Any one of us could have picked it up.

ALL. Well, I didn't. / It wasn't me. / I never even saw the Dagger. (Etc.)

WADSWORTH. Gentlemen, might 1 suggest we take the cook's body into the Study.

SCARLET. Why?

GREEN. Maybe he was dead, but someone moved him!

SCARLET. Who would move him?

WADSWORTH. I don't mean to alarm anybody, but we do currently have the small issue of two dead bodies: one missing, one present— and the imminent arrival of the police ...

SCARLET. The bridge is washed out; that should buy us some extra time.

MUSTARD. Is there anyone else in the house?

ALL. No!

MUSTARD. Know with a silent K or....

SCARLET. Look, we've got a killer on the loose, the missing dead body of Mr. Boddy, a Cook with a Dagger in her back, and all these easily accessible weapons—the Rope, the Revolver, the Candlestick, the Wrench—and—hey, where's the Lead Pipe?

PLUM. Stand back! (Completing a second cursory exam:) He's dead.

SCARLET. That's what you said the last time.

PLUM. Takes a lotta guts to kill someone twice.

SCARLET. It's what we call overkill.

PLUM. What's the difference?

SCARLET. Makes a difference to him!

WADSWORTH. (Becoming unhinged:) Yes of course, but who did?!? Who did pick up the Lead Pipe? Who picked up the Lead Pipe and brutally murdered Mr. Boddy, leaving him dead and bloodied in the bathroom? Who did that? Who?! Who?!?! Who?!?!?!

SCARLET. (From the desk:) Cool it, butler! While you lose your marbles, I'm over here trying to do something useful! Have you all forgotten about the evidence against us?

ALL. The evidence! (They move toward SCARLET. SCARLET tries to open Boddy's briefcase,)

SCARLET. Boddy's briefcase is locked.

GREEN. (Unhappily:) well ... all right.(He pulls out a latex glove, putting it on.)

SCARLET. Where'd you get that?

GREEN. I don't like germs.

SCARLET. Or fingerprints?

GREEN. (With his hand in BODDY's pocket-gagging:) Oh God, it's so warm. (Then ) Got it!

SCARLET. Give it here!

(He rushes it over to SCARLET, who opens the briefcase.)

SCARLET. It's empty

GREEN. We must find that evidence!

SCARLET. And destroy it!

WHITE. Good. They just look asleep.

SCARLET. Forget about the bodies! We need to do something about this room full of murder weapons and the homicidal maniac on the loose!

WADSWORTH. Let's put the weapons in the bag!

SCARLET. What good will that do?

WADSWORTH. I know! We'll put the bag in the safe!

SCARLET. (Looking all around:) Terrific! Where's the safe?

(They arrive and WADSWORTH tinkers with the bottom of a large framed portrait hanging between two doors.)

SCARLET. I don't see a safe.

WHITE. But maybe, if we open the door, we'd encourage the killer to go out!

SCARLET. The killer seems to be doing a fine job of opening and closing doors all by himself. I don't see how us opening the door for one tiny second could possibly make any sort of a difference.

MUSTARD. Riiiight. There's nobody in the Study.

ALL. (Preventing him from going to the Study:) No!!!

MUSTARD. What choice do we have?

SCARLET. None.

MUSTARD searches the Conservatory floor. SCARLET enters slyly, holding Plum's pipe.)

SCARLET. (Whispering conspiratorially:) Psst!

MUSTARD. Oh, there you are.

SCARLET. You'll never believe what I found in the hallway. Professor Plum's stupid tobacco pipe!

MUSTARD. Huh. What do you think that means?

SCARLET. Who knows! But it seems suspicious if you ask me.

MUSTARD. I just did.

SCARLET. Honestly, Colonel. This is the last room left to search in this beastly mansion and we still haven't found the evidence.

MUSTARD. I think this time has been productive nevertheless.

SCARLET. Aren't you a Pollyanna.

MUSTARD. You're a brave and determined lady, Miss Scarlet. I've really enjoyed our time together. I hope after this expedition ends we can remain friends. (SCARLET continues intensely searching.) I mean, really, murders aside, it's just been a lovely group of people all in all. I suppose I would like to hear Mrs. White explain when and how she lost her veil in the Billiard Room, but...

SCARLET. (Grabbing the veil:) You found White's veil in the Billiard Room? Odd.

MUSTARD. Odd?

SCARLET. Odd. SCARLET. (Gasp:) A trap door!

MUSTARD. (Clearing his throat:) Uh ... Ladies first, Miss Scarlet.

SCARLET. (Rolling her eyes:) How heroic.

MUSTARD. Where are we now?

SCARLET. How should I know? The lights are off.

MUSTARD. Well turn them on!

SCARLET. I would if I could see anything!

MUSTARD. Well I'm going to feel my way around.

SCARLET. Don't get any funny ideas.

MUSTARD. (Feeling:) A table ...

SCARLET. (Feeling:) A telephone ...