Exam 4 Relationship Science: Relationship maintenance and Repair

Chapter 14

Maintenance and Repair

• Relationship maintenance

• ABC’s aimed at sustaining desired relationship

Two approaches to studying RM mechanisms: Investment

• Satisfaction, alternatives, sunk costs

Two approaches to studying RM mechanisms: Communication

• Functional and dysfunctional pattern

Cognitive relationship maintenance mechanisms

• Cognitive interdependence 

• See ourselves as part of a greater entity

• Use more plural pronouns, such as we, us, and ours instead of I, me, and mine 

• Cognitive component of mutuality

• whole is greater than the sum of its parts 

Positive illusions about partner and relationship

• Perceived superiority: Think your relationship better and more special than most others

• Less likely to give up on something special

• Self-serving bias at the relational level

Inattention to alternatives

• Committed partners pay less attention to other potential available partners

• Uninterested and unaware of how well they could be doing in alternative relationships

Devaluation and derogation of alternative 

• Judge alternatives to be less desirable than others think they are

• Disparage those who could lure them away from their existing relationships

Simpson et. al (1990) study

• Heterosexual men and women who were either dating someone or not dating someone

• Rated a variety of ads on likability and persuasiveness

• Measured attractiveness of other sex ad models

• Results: Men who were dating found other sex models less attractive than those who were single. Women who were dating also found other sex models less attractive than those single

Simpson et al (1990) study replication

• effect only found among highly committed participants

• Effect only found when threat is seen as a realistic threat

Behavioral relationship maintenance mechanisms

• Michelangelo phenomenon

• Partners encourage and help us become the person that we want to be 

• Support partners who take on new roles and responsibilities 

Accommodation

• control negative impulses during conflict

• Don’t fight fire with fire

• Requires high levels of self-control

Behavioral relationship maintenance mechanisms:

• engage in novel, exciting activities together

• Misattribution of arousal

• Think partner is cause of arousal

Behavioral relationship maintenance mechanisms: Classical conditioning

• Associate fun feelings with partner 

Behavioral relationship maintenance mechanisms: Savoring

• play attention to and enjoy shared pleasures

• Display eager anticipation for event

• Be alert during the event

• Show gratifying reminiscence after event

Rituals

• Develop familiar mountains and traditions

• Symbolize and reinforce identity as couple

• Small, private customs and comfortable habits

Forgiveness 

• committed couples tend to be more forgiving 

• Quickens the healing of the relationship

• Helps partners move past transgressions 

Willingness to sacrifice

• Doing things that you would prefer not to do

• Not doing things that you would like to do to

Effort justification

• increase commitment simply because you’ve made sacrifices

Approach motives for sacrifice

• Achieve positive outcomes 

Avoidance notices for sacrifice

• Avoid negative outcomes

Impute, Gabie, and Peplov (2005) study

• 14-day daily experience study

• sacrifice and motives for doing so

• Personal well-being (PWB)

• Relationship quality

• Likelihood of breaking up

• Followed up a month later to see if broke up

• Results: Approach motives associated with higher quality PWB, and lower likelihood of break up

• Avoidance motives associated with lower quality, PWB, and higher likelihood of breakup

• Sacrificing for avoidance motives was stronger predictor of breakup than not making sacrifices

Staying content: Positivity 

• Strive to be polite and cheerful to one another

• Remain optimistic about future together  

Staying content: Assurances

• Continue to announce and demonstrate love, commitment, and positive regard

Sharing tasks

• Do fair share of household chores/ parenting

• Pick up slack when one partner needs it

openness

• share thought and feelings

• Remain transparent

Relationship repair 

• Do it yourself

• Preventive maintenance 

• Therapy 

• Emotion, behavior, cognition (or combination)

• Individual or couple (or both) 

• Present or past or Both)

Behavioral therapy

• Replace negative behaviors with positive ones

• Develop functional communication skills

• Paraphrasing, perception checking, validation, XYZ statements

Love days

• One partner does favors for other Quid pro quo contract

• Desired behavior by one is rewarded by desired behavior by the other good faith contract

• Reward changes in behavior with special privileges

Cognitive behavioral

• BCT + cognitions about relationship and partner

• Change ways partner think about relationship selective attention

• more reasonable expectations

• Relationship-enhancing attributions

Integrative behavioral couple therapy

• BCT + acceptance of and adaptive emotional emotions to partner’s flows

-Encourage desirable behaviors

-Teach tolerance of incompatibilities that partners cannot or one unlikely in change

Empathic joining

• Express pain without blame or resentment that will make partner defensive Unified detachment

• Discuss negative events without triggering negative emotions

Tolerance building

• Taught how to become less sensitive

• React less intensely when problems to occur

Emotionally focused couple therapy

• Increase attachment security

• Assess emotional fears that underline problems

• Have each partner acknowledge feelings

• Collaborate to solve problems and rehearse the new accepting behaviors

Insight oriented therapy

• People may carry unconscious scars from past relationships that may contaminate the present

• Emphasis on individual vulnerabilities and post

• Affective reconstruction

-Re-image and revisit other relationships to identify themes and coping style

Therapy effectiveness

• Provide explanations for relationship diffculties

• 2.3 who seriously participate no longer unhappy

• Likely depends on sincerity and effort

• The sooner, the better

• One brand of therapy not better than any other

Take home message

• Emotional, psychological, and physical health

• Attend to both positive and negatives

• Negative behaviors have their upsides

• Positive behaviors have their downsides

• Insist on seeing the data over anecdotes (your experience)

• There are always exceptions to the “rule”

• Explanations are not exceses