the day the internet died herbert

HERBERT: Enjoy these brochures for exclusive offers for St. Barts vacations courtesy of Expedia. Also, never too soon to get a jump on Christmas shopping. Enjoy 20% off at Bed, Bath, and Beyond.

I think so! Gosh that’s embarrassing. That was six months ago. We have to do better

than that.

MINDY: Uh... I’m sorry.

hm?m

CARLA: What was that? Why did you just give us these?

HERBERT: Because I did! Now go back to talking.

MINDY: I don’t know. I...think so. And I think he’s writing everything down we say. This is so

spooky.

HERBERT: Oooh. If you like spooky, check out Stephen King’s latest. $11.99 on Amazon Kindle.

CARLA: I’m sorry, are you listening to our conversation?

HERBERT: Well yes, I am. But don’t let me disturb you. You just carry-on as if I wasn’t even here.

MINDY: And are you...writing down what we say?

HERBERT: Yes. Yes I am.

MINDY: Why? Who are you.

HERBERT: Herbert Stenz. Since the internet is down, Google and Facebook and Amazon have

asked me to come down here and record everything you’re saying. Those companies make

a lot of money sharing your information to advertisers and they don’t want a dip in revenue

while your town’s internet is...not working.

CARLA: Well I’m not okay with this! You can’t just...impede on my civil liberties like this.

HERBERT: Well you were fine with it before. Here, I’ll drop off your mail for you and we’ll call

it a trade. Also, Civil Liberties by Lauri Friedman is available on Amazon. Free shipping with

Amazon Prime.

MINDY: No! I’ll talk...to you [Herbert] I guess...um...I sure do like the coffee here.

HERBERT: Oh, well did you know that American runs on Dunkin? 5% off all Dunkin’ Donuts

coffee this month when you use the “Dunkin’ munchin’” app.

MAYOR: Exactly. No one likes taxes. But then everyone got even madder when the fire

department ran out of hoses...and water. Several buildings burned to the ground, including

our beloved community dance hall slash donut factory! So I made a deal with a few wealthy

corporations. They agreed to donate to our town’s yearly budget. In exchange, I agreed to...

let them run a few experiments in our town and treat our citizens like human guinea pigs.

Which is why the internet went out for a week.

HERBERT: That’s right! The three giant corporations I work for wanted to study what would

happen if a population was deprived of the internet. Could a society even function without

connective tissue of email and Instagram and TikTok? Our algorithms predicted that you’d all

descend into rioting and cannibalism. And many of you did freak out for a bit. By harassing

your neighbors. Or wearing bags on your head and screaming at people. But then, to our

great surprise, you started to adapt. Anxiety rates lowered, as did reports of depression. It

turned out not having the internet was shockingly...good for you.

NINA: Well, now that we know all this. Shouldn’t we just...continue to stop using the internet?

Or at least, only use it in moderation?

HERBERT: No, no, no. This was just a momentary experiment. If you all stopped using the

internet, or even cut down your usage in half, it would really hurt all of my employers’

bottom lines. And that is by far the worst thing that could happen to anyone.

CARLA: I mean, would that really be the worst thing? Wouldn’t a plague or climate devastation

be worse?

HERBERT: No! No internet would be far worse! If Amazon’s stock drops any lower, Jeff Bezos

might not be able to go to space this month! He might have to wait until next month! Which

would be a tragedy. So, let’s just go back to the way things were before the blackout so our

mega companies can have their obscene profits again, yes? Go ahead, pick up your phones.

Check your Twitters. Do your Tok dances. And pretty soon you’ll forget that this ever even

happened.

MAYOR: Um... I think... Um....

(Ping, Ping, Ping. EVERYONE’s on their phones now. Pings are coming from everywhere.

The lights fade to black as their faces continue to be illuminated by their phones.)

HERBERT: Hello? Larry Page, Mark Zuckerberg, Jeff Bezos. Oh, hi Elon, you’re there, too. It’s

me. Herbert. I think you’ll be happy with the end results of your little experiment. Everyone

is...right back to where we thought they’d be.