Miss Honey Lines

Matilda The Musical

Your parents must be so proud to have a girl as clever as you. And do you tell them lots of stories like you do with me? Oh, I love your stories, Matilda. And that’s not a hint, by the way. But if you did happen to have a story you wanted to tell me-

Goodbye Mrs. Phelps. See you next week!

School Song- Just you wait for phys-zed!

Good morning children. My name is Miss Honey, and today is a very special day: your first day at school. Now, do any of you know any of your two times tables?

MATILDA’S HAND GOES UP

Wonderful! Matilda, isn’t it? Please stand up and do as much as you can.

……. eleven times two is twenty two, twelve times two is twenty four-

Well, my word that us very-

Thirteen times two is twenty six, fourteen times two is twenty eight, fifteen times two is thirty, sixteen times two is-

Stop, stop! Good heavens, how far can you go?

I don’t know. Quite a long way I think.

Do you think you could tell me what two times twenty eight is?

Fifty six.

Fif- FIfty six… well yes that’s very… How about this: now this is much harder, so don’t worry if you don’t get it, but two times four hundred and eighty seven, if you took your time do you think you could-

Nine hundred and seventy four.

Twelve sevens.

No way!

Let’s leave math alone for the time being and look at reading. Can anyone read this?

Me, me, me, ooh, ohh, me, pick me Miss, me me me me-

Very well, Nigel.

NIGEL ATTEMPTS BUT CANNOT

Alright, alright. I think we’d better leave it there, Nigel, we don’t want you to burst a blood vessel on your first day….

LAVENDER RAISES HER HAND

Lavender?

Is the first word…tomato?

Er, no. But tomato is a very good word.

Yesssss! MATILDA RAISES HAND

Matilda?

‘I can now read words’

So you can read words, Matilda?

Yes. Well, I needed to learn to read words so that I could read sentences because basically a sentence is just a big bunch of words. And if you can’t read sentences you’ve got no chance with books.

And… have you read a whole book yourself, Matilda?

Oh yes, more than one. I love books. Last week I read quite a few.

A few? In a week? My, that is very good. What books did you read?

Pathetic ——> Enter. Well don’t just stand there like a wet tissue, get on with it.

Well, yes, Miss Trunchbull there’s in in my class that is, there is, Mat-, a little girl called Matilda Wormwood, and-

Daughter of Mr. Harry Wormwood who owns Wormwood motors. Excellent man. Told me to watch out for the brat, though, says she’s a real wart.

Oh no, Headmistress, I don’t think Matilda is that kind of child at all.

What is the school Motto, Miss Honey.

Bambinatum est maggitum

Bambinatum est maggitum. Children are maggots. In fact it must have been her who put that stink bomb under my desk this morning. I’ll have her for that. Thank you for suggesting it.

But I didn’t…. Miss Trunchbull, Matilda Wormwood is a genius.

Nonsense! Haven’t I just told you that she is a gangster!

She knows her times tables.

So she’s learnt a few tricks…

But she can read!

So can I.

I- I have to tell you, Headmistress, that in my opinion this little girl should be placed at the top form with the eleven year olds.

What? But she is a squib, a shrimp, an un-hatched tadpole. We cannot just place her in with the eleven year olds’- what kind of society would that be? What about rules, Honey, rules?

Well, I believe that Matilda Wormwood is an exception to the rules.

The Hammer——> Now get out!

W, w, well, I must tell you Headmistress that it is my intention to help this little girl. We- whether you like it or not!

Who is it?

Oh, yes, um, hello, my name is Miss Honey. Matilda’s teacher?

Bit busy right now…

It will only take a moment!

Ciao.

Ah! Parle Italiano? Bene. Ciao, Rudolpho, piacere. Come stai?

What do you want, Miss Chutney?

It’s Miss honey. Well, as you know Matilda is in the bottom class and children in the bottom class aren’t really expected to read-

I’m not in favor of girls getting all clever pants, Miss Hussey. A girl should think about make-up and hair dye. Looks are more important than books. Now, look at you, and look at me. You chose books, I chose looks.

I… beg your pardon?

Babes, I’m on fire here, please!

But, Matilda can calculate complicated figures in her head in an instant!

Oh, fantastico!

Her mind is incredible, with a little help from us she could-

Yes. Wonderful. Goodbye Mrs. Phelps. SCENE CHANGE.

Matilda could I speak to you, please? I’m afraid I have not been too successful in getting others to recognize your… abilities. So, starting tomorrow I shall bring in a selection of very clever book that will challenge your mind. You may sit and read them while I teach the others and if you have any questions, well, I shall do my very best to answer them. How does that sound?

MATILDA HUGS HONEY

Matilda! Why, that is the biggest hug in the world! You’re going to hug all of the air out of me!

No I did not!

Miss Trunchbull, Matilda’s been here all morning.

But I can’t eat it all!

Headmistress he’ll be sick!

Bruce

Go on Brucie! ……………….. Sorry, Miss Trunchbull, I got carried away.

Trunchbull: And the second part is… chokey!

Bruce: What?

No, Miss Trunchbull please, you can’t!

Yes, Miss Trunchbull, please you can! Do you think I would allow myself to be defeated by these maggots? Did you? Who do you think I am, Miss Honey? A weakling? An idiot? A fool? You?

But he’s eaten it all, he did what you asked!

But that was the last the little girl ever saw of her father. Because he never came home. Ever again. SCENE CHANGE

Matilda! I’ve got those books we spoke about, so if you’d like-

What are you doing with those books, woman?

They- they’re for Matilda.

… We must first break the child. QUIET YOU MAGGOTS!

But- no-one was speaking, Miss Trunchbull.

Lavender: Look, I’m gonna put the newt into the Trunchbull’s-

Trunchbull: QUIET!

I don’t think this is teaching at all, I think it’s just cruelty!

I bet it’s poisonous!

Quiet, children, please!

Trunchbull: What’s that, maggot? When we’re only just getting started…

Eric(a): Ah, ah, ow!

Miss Trunchbull, don’t, please! You’ll pull her ears off!

I have discovered, Miss Honey, through many years of experimentation that the ears of small boys do not come off- they stretch. In fact I think I can feel these ones… stretching.. now!

Miss Trunchbull, no!

….. I’ve got a newt in my pants! I’ve got a newt in my pants!

Well. That was interesting. I think we’d all better go home. While we still can. Matilda?

Watch.

Matilda, I think it would be wise to go before….

Watch. Please. I moved it with my eyes. Am I strange?

How do you fancy a nice cup of tea?

What do you think it is? This thing with my eyes?

I…can’t pretend to know Matilda. But I do not believe we should be afraid of it. I think it’s something to do with that incredible mind of yours.

You mean, there’s no room in my head for all my brains, so they have to squish out through my eyes!

Well, not exactly but, yes something like that. You certainly are a special girl Matilda. I met your mother. She’s…unusual. What about your father? Is he proud to have a daughter as clever as you?

…That’s not true, Miss Honey. That’s not what he says. He’s not proud at all. He calls me a liar and a cheat and a nasty little creep.

I see. Here we are- home sweet home.

Are you poor?

Yes. Yes, I am. Very.

Don’t they pay teachers very much?

Well, they don’t, actually. But I am even poorer than most, because of… other reasons. You see I used to live with my aunt. But one day I was out walking and I came across this old shed- I fell completely in love with it. I ran to the farmer and begged him to let me move in. He thought I was mad! But he agreed and I’ve lived here ever since.

But Miss Honey, you can’t live in a shed!

I’m not strong like you, Matilda. You see, my father died when I was young. Magnus was his name. He was very kind. But when he was gone, my aunt became my legal guardian. She was mean and cruel like you could hardly imagine. And then, when I got my job as a teacher, she presented me with a bill for look after me all those years. She’d written everything down: every tea bag, every electricity bill, every tin of beans. And she made me sign a contract to pay her back every penny. She even produced a document that said my father had given her his entire house.

But did he really do that? Magnus I mean. Did he really just give her his house?

I don’t know. But I find it hard to believe. Just like I cannot believe that he would have… killed himself, which is what she said happened.

You think, you think she…did him in don’t you, Miss Honey.

I…cannot say, Matilda. All I know is that years of being bullied by that woman made me…well, pathetic. I was trapped.

Miss Honey, is this your fathers scarf?

Well, yes. My mother gave it to him before she died, you see she was-

An acrobat

Well… well yes, she was. How did you…? And my father was an escapologist. Matilda, how did you know that?

So…so they were your parents?

What? Who? I don’t…

The people in my story!

What story?

A story! I’ve been telling a story and I thought I was making it up, but it’s real! It’s your life! I’ve seen your life!

You’ve seen..my life?

She did him in! Let’s go to the police!

What? No, no we can’t, we have no evidence!

But you could just tell them! Tell them she did it!

That wouldn’t work, Matilda. It’d be my word against hers! And they would never believe she was capable of murder.

But why? She was so cruel to you, she beat you, she shouted at you, she locked you up in tiny cupboards and threw you in cellars!

Stop Matilda, please!

….What are you looking at?

You.

You’re cheating!

Of course she’s not cheating, she’s simply spelling the word!

These little specks of dust can’t be this clever, they are worms!

I’ve taught them, that’s all. With kindness, patience, and respect.

How dare you bring those words into my classroom madam? You know nothing of teaching and I shall prove it. You! Filthbog! Snotnose! Spell _______________________________.

What? But that’s not a word, you just made it up!

…..She moved in immediately and she was very happy, happier than she had ever been in her entire life.

As for Miss Trunchbull…she was never seen again. The chokeys were immediately destroyed and a new Headmistress took over.

And her name was…Miss Honey! And it was often said it was the best school in all the land.

And do you know something else, Matilda was never again able to move things with her eyes. I thought perhaps it was because her mind was being challenged. But she said it was because she no longer had a need for super powers. But sometimes I would look at Matilda, this little girl who had done so much to help others, but who was stuck with parents who were mean and cruel and called her names. And I would feel my blood boil. And I would wish that I could just…do something.

I didn’t know they were the flaming Russian Mafia, did I? Come on, boy; we’re leaving forever and we’re never coming back!

Let Matilda stay here with me!

I beg your pardon.

Mr. Wormwood, I would love to take Matilda. If she would like to stay with me, that is. I would look after her with love, respect, and care and I’d pay for everything. Would….would you like that Matilda?

And you want to look after her?

I do.

Thank you!

And Matilda leapt into Miss Honey’s arms.

And hugged her

And Miss Honey hugged her back.

As the Wormwoods and Rudolpho sped away into the distance

Because they had found each other.