The Essentials of Human Communication- Chapters 6-10

Interpersonal communication

is communication t hat occurs between two people who have a relationship and who are thus influenced by each other's communication messages

Example: server and customer, son and father, two people in an interview, etc

Writing on someones Facebook wall is considered interpersonal communication

True, it's also considered small-group communication and public because it's sent to others as well

The Interpersonal Continuum

Interpersonal communication is along a continuum ranging from relatively impersonal (taxi driver and passenger, doctor and patient) to highly personal (child and parent, longtime lovers)

Interpersonal communication and version generally is best viewed as a process rattan than as an act

True

Five steps of conversation

1) Opening

2) Feedforward

3) Business

4) Feedback

5) Closing

Phatic communication

a message that establishes a connection between two people and opens up the channels for more meaningful interactions

Opening

First step in conversation. Usually with some sort of greeting. This can be verbal as well as nonverbal.

Example: Verbal- "Hi, how are you" "Hello" Nonverbal- a smile/kiss

Feedforward

Second step in conversation. This gives the other person a general idea of the conversations focus.

"I have to tell you about Jack" "Did you hear what happened yesterday in class?" "We need to talk about our vacation plans"

Business

Third step in conversation. The substance or focus of the conversation. Emphasizes that most conversations are goal directed meaning you converse to fulfill one or several of the general purposes of interpersonal communication: to learner relate, influence, play, or help.

Feedback

Fourth step in conversation. The reverse of the second step. Reflect back on the conversation to signal that, as far as you're concerned, the business is completed.

"So you want to send Jack a get-well card" "Wasn't that the craziest class you've ever heard of"

Closing

Fifth, and last step in conversation. The goodbye, which often reveals how satisfied the persons were with the conversation. And may also be used to schedule future conversations.

Example: "I hope you'll call soon" "Don't call us, we'll call you" "Give me a call tomorrow night"

The Principles of Conversation

Principles that express our general expectations about the way in which conversation should work. We expect people in conversation to, cooperate in understanding each other. Principles:

1) cooperation

2) politeness

3) turn-taking

4) dialogue

5) immediacy

Principle of Cooperation

the mutually agreed-uponassumption that two people will try to understand each other.

Maxims

rules that speakers and listeners in the United States and in many other cultures follow in conversation

You cooperate largely by adhering to four maxims including

- quality principle

- quantity principle

- relation principle

- manner principle

Quantity principle

requires that you be only as informative as necessary to communicate your intended meaning. Thus, you include information that makes the meaning clear but omit what does not.

Example: Spa - unwanted noise and intrude on your own communication

Quality principle

states that you should say what you know or believe to be true and not say what you know to be false. When you're communicating, you assume that the other person's information is true- at least as far as he or she knows.

Example: when a friend is telling you what happened on a trip, you assume this to be true

Relation principle

ask that you talk about what is relevant to the conversations. Speakers who digress widely and frequently interject irrelevant comments violate the maxim of relation.

Manner principle

requires the you be clear, avoid ambiguities, be relatively brief, and organize your thought into a meaningful sequence. Thus, you use terms that the listener will understand and omit or clarify terms that you suspect the listener will not understand.

Example: talking to a young child you'd use familiar words and short sentences.

The Principle of Politeness

converstation is expected to follow the principles of politeness:

- maxim of tact

- maxim of generosity

- maxim of approbation

- maxim of modesty

- maxim of agreement

- maxim of sympathy

Maxim of tact

helps to maintain the other persons autonomy (negative face). Meaning you do not impose on others or challenge their right to do as they wish

Example: if you wanted to ask someone a favor you'd say "I know you're very busy but..." vs "lend me your car this weekend"

Maxim of generosity

helps to confirm the other person's importance

Example: the importance of the person's time, insight, or talent. " I see you're busy, I'll walk the dog" vs "I'm really busy, why don' you walk the dog since you're not doing anything important"

Maxim of approbation

refers to praising someone or complimenting the person in some way

Example: "I was really moved by your poem" vs "For a first effort, that poem wasn't half bad"

Maxim of modesty

minimizes any praise or compliments you might receive. At the same time, you night praise and compliment the other person.

Example: "Well, thank you, but I couldn't have done this without your input, that was the crucial element" vs "Yes, thank you. It was one of my best efforts i'll have to admit."

Maxim of agreement

refers to your seeking out areas of agreement and expressing them. "That color you selected was just right, it makes the room exciting" vs "It's an interesting choice, very different"

Maxim of sympathy

refers to the expression of understanding, sympathy, empathy, supportiveness, and the like for the other person.

Example: "I understand your feelings. I'm so sorry" vs "You get upset over the least little thing. What is it this time"

Conversational turns

Throughout the speaking-listening process, both speaker and listener exchange cues for what are called ______________.

Speaker Cues

Speakers regulate the conversation through two major types of cues: turn-maintaining cues and turn yielding cues. Using these cues effectively not only ensures communication efficiency but also increases likability

Listener Cues

As a listener you can regulate the conversation by using three types of cues: turn-requesting cues, turn-denying cues, and back-channeling cues and interuptions

Turn-making cues

Through these you can communicate your wish to maintain the role of the speaker by audibly inhaling breath to show that you have more to say, continue to gesture to show that you've not yet completed your thought, avoid eye contact with the listener in order to indicate that you are not passing along your speaking turn, or use a vocalized pause "er" or "um" to prevent the listener from speaking and to show that you're still talking.

Turn-yielding cues

tell the listener that the speaker is finished and wishes to exchange the role of tspeaker for the role of listener. They tell the listener to take over the role of speaker

Example: adding "Right" to the end of you're statement. Making direct eye concat with a listening or by asking a question

Turn-requesting cue

let the speaker know that you would like to say something and take a turn as a speaker

Example: "I'd like to say something" "err" "umm" or with facial and much gestures.

Turn-denying cues

indiciate your reluctance to assume the role of speaker

Example: intoning a slurred "I don't know"

Back-channeling cues and interruptions

back-channeling cues are used to communicate various types of information back to the speaker without assuming the role of speaker. "mm-hmm" "uhh-huh" telling the speaker you're listening.

Interruptions, in contrast are attempts to take over the role of the speaker. Not supportive and are often disconfirming.

The Principle of Dialogue

It's useful to distinguish the ideal dialogic communicator from his or her opposite, the totally monologic communicator.

During dialogue

each person is both speaker and listener, sender and receiver. It's conversation in which there is deep concern for the other person and for the relationship between the two.

During monologue

one person speaks and the other listens and there is no real interaction between participants. Has no real concern for the listener's feelings or attitudes, this speakers interested in the other person only insofar and that person scan serve their purpose.

The Principle of Immediacy

the creation of closeness, a sense of togetherness, of oneness, between speaker and listener. When communicated with immediacy, you convey a sense of interest and attention, a liking for and an attraction to the other person

In-flight intimacy

engaging in significant self-disclose, revealing secrets you normally keep hidden, largely because you know you'll never see this person again

Apology

an expression of regret or sorrow for having down what you did or for what happened, a statement that says you're sorry.

Compliment

a message of praise, flattery, or congratulations. It can be expressed in face-to-face interaction or on social media sites

Research shows that the most important contributor to happiness- outranking money, job, and sex - is a close relationship with another person

True

Six main stages in relationships

-Contact

-Involvement

-Intimacy

-Deterioration

-Repair

-Dissolution

(each phase has an early and a late phase)

Contact Stage (main stages in relationships)

At this stage physical appearance is important because it's the characteristic most readily seen. You'll also reveal personal qualities such as friendliness, warmth, openness, and dynamism

Initial Phase: Perceptual

Late Phase: Interactional

Perceptual Contact

you see, hear, and perhaps smell the person getting a physical picture: gender, approx. age, height, etc. Might browse photos and profiles from online dating sites.

Interactional Contact

superficial and relatively impersonal. This it he stage at which you exchange basic information that is preliminary to any more intense involvement "Hi, my name is Joe" you initiate interaction "May I join you?" and engage in invitational communication "May I buy you a coffee?". With online relationships each of you will have read the other profile and so will know each other before you even begin to talk.

Involvement (main stages in relationships)

a sense of mutuality, of being connected, develops at this stage. You experiment and try to learn more about the other person.

Initial Phase: Testing

Late Phase: Intensifying

Testing Phase

you want to see whether you initial judgment proves reasonable. You may ask questions "where do you work?" "what are you majoring in?".

Intensifying Phase

beginning to reveal yourself, through in a preliminary way. Social media interaction picks up (texting, likes on facebook, tweets, etc) Flirting or making your partner jealous, and becoming more physically intimate

Intimacy (main stages in relationships)

You commit yourself still further to the other person and establish a relationship in which this individual becomes your best/closest friend, lover, or companion.

Initial Phase: Interpersonal commitment

Last Phase: Social Bonding

Interpersonal development

a movement towards intimacy

Interpersonal commitment phase

the two people commit themselves to each other in a private way

Social bonding phase

the commitment is made public- perhaps to family ad friends, public at large, a simple "married to" on Facebook. Here you and your partner become a unit, an identifiable pair

Deterioration (main stages in relationships)

is characterized by a weakening of the bonds between friends or lovers - in this phase you'll communicate less, respond to less facebook pokes, requests for "likes" less often, texting less frequently, face-to-face is fewer.

First Phase: Intrapersonal dissatisfaction

Last Phase: Interpersonal dissatisfaction

Intrapersonal dissatisfaction

You begin to experience personal dissatisfaction with everyday interactions and begin to view the future with your partner more negatively

Interpersonal dissatisfaction

you withdraw and grow further and further apart. You share less of your free time and exchange in fewer messages. When together their are awkward silences, fewer disclosures, less physical contact, and a lack of physiological closeness.

Repair (main stages in relationships)

some partners may pause during deterioration and try to seek repair. However others may progress without stopping to dissolution

First Phase: Intrapersonal repair

Last Phase: Interpersonal repair

Intrapersonal repair

you analyze what went wrong and consider ways of solving your relatinal difficulties. You might consider changing your behaviors or perhaps changing your expectations of your partner.

Interpersonal repair

you might discuss with your partner the problems in the relationship, the changes you want to see, and what you'd be willing to do and what you'd want your partner to do.

Dissolution (main stages in relationships)

last stage in the relationship model- involves cutting the bonds that tie you together.

First stage: Interpersonal separation

Last stage: Social and public separation

Interpersonal separation

interpersonal separation - if it's an online friendships, you might de-friend or un-circle or perhaps, just cut off communication

Social or public separation

you might move into your own apartments or begin to lead separate lives. If the separation works better than the original relationships you

Friendship

identifies three major types that we can easily see in our own face-to-face and online relationships

1) friendship of reciprocity

2) friendship of receptivity

3) friendship of association

Friendship of reciprocity

the ideal type, characterized by loyalty, self-sacrifice, mutual affection, and generosity. This type of friendship is based on equality, where each individual shares equally in giving and receiving the benefits and rewards of the relationship.

Friendship of receptivity

there is an imbalance in giving and receiving; one person is the primary giver and the other the primary receiver. This is a positive imbalance, however, because each person gains something from the relationship. The different needs of both the person who receives affection and the person who gives it are satisfied. (friendship between teacher & student, doctor and patient)

Friendship of association

is transitory; it might be described as a friendly relationship rather than a true friendship. This is the kind you have with classmates, neighbors, or coworkers. There is no great loyalty, no great trust, no great giving or receiving. Association is cordial but not intense.

Love

an interpersonal relationship in which you feel closeness, caring, warmth, and excitement. Six primary love styles (eros, ludic, store, pragma, manic, and agapic)

Eros lvoe

seeks beauty and sensuality and focuses on physical attractiveness, sometimes to the exclusion of qualities others might consider more important and more elastic. Has an idealized image of beauty that is unattainable in reality. Often feels unfulfilled.

Ludic love

seeks entertainment and excitement and sees love s fun, a game. To them love is not to be taken too seriously' emotions are to be held in check lest they get out of hand and make trouble. Retains a partner only so long as the partner is interesting and amusing and when is no longer interested it's time to change.

Storge love

is a peaceful and tranquil love. Lacks passion and intensity. They set out not to find a lover but to establish a companionable relationship with someone they know and with whom they can share intents and activities. Gradual process of unfolding thoughts and feelings and is sometimes difficult to distinguish from friendships.

Pragma love

is practical and traditional and seeks compatibility and a relationship i which important needs and desires will be satisfied. They are concerned with the social qualifications of a potential mate even more than with personal qualities; family and background are extremely important to them, who relies not so much on feeling as on logic.

Manic love

is an obsessive love that needs to give and receive constant attention and affection. When these are not constant, or when an expression of increased commitment is not returned, reactions such as depression, jealousy, and self-doubt can lead to extreme lows.

Agapic love

is compassionate and selfless. They love both the stranger on the road and the annoying neighbor. Jesus, Buddha, and Gandhi practiced and preached this unqualified spiritual love- a love that is offered without concern for personal reward or gain and without any expectation that the love will be recipricated.

Men indicate a preference for erotic and ludic love

Women indicate a preference for manic, pragmatic, and storgic love.

Primary relationship

is a relationship between two people that the partners see as their most important interpersonal relationship. Three types: traditional couples, independents, and separates

Traditional couples

share a basic belief system and philosophy of life. They see themselves as a blending of two persons into a single couple rather than as two separate individuals. Believe that each individuals independence must be sacrificed for the good of rite relationships. They lean towards each other, smile, talk a lot, interrupt each other, and finish each others sentences.

Independents

steps their individuality. Their relationship is important, but never more important than each person's individual identity. Spend a great deal of time together, they don't ritualize it (schedules-each friend spending time with others) They engage in conflict openly and without fear. their disclosures are quite extensive and include high-rust and negative disclosures that are typically absent among traditionals.

Seperates

live together but they view their relationship more as a matter of convenience than a result of their mutual love or closeness. Seem to have little desire to be together and, in act, usually are together only at ritual occasions such as mealtime or holiday get togethers. Each person sees himself/herself as a separate individual and not as a part of a "we"

Families are looked at in terms of

conformity and conversation

Conformity-orientation

refers to the degree to which family members express similar or dissimilar attitudes, values, and beliefs.

High conformity families

express highly similar attitudes, beliefs, and values and try to avoid conflict. Likely to be harmonious with children who are expected to obey their parents, largely without questions

Low conformity families

members who express highly divergent attitudes, beliefs, and values, and may frequently engage in conflict interactions. Likely to be less harmonious with children who are given greater freedom to say or do as they wish

Conversation-orientation

refers to the degree to which family members can speak their mind.

High > encourages members to discuss a variety of issues and the voicing of members opinions.

Low > discourages discussion and the voicing of opinions

Four types of families

Consensual families

Protective families

Pluralistic families

Laissez-faire families

Consensual families

high in conversation and high in conformity. Encourage open communication and agreement

Protective families

high in conformity and low in conversation. Stress agreement and strive to avoid conflict but with little communication

Pluralistic families

low in conformity and high in conversation. Encouraged to express different attitudes and points of view and to engage in open communication while being supportive of each other

Laissez-faire families

low in confirmation and low in conversation. Avoid interaction and communication, encourage privacy, and a "do what you want" attitude"

Networking Relationships

Provides you with with access to wealth of specialized information. At the same time it often makes accessing that information a lot easier than if you had to find it all by yourself. Examples include (how to set up a blog, where to look for low-cost auto insurance, how to fin dan affordable apartment, etc). Recommended that you try to establish relationships that are mutually beneficial.

Networking

can be viewed as a process of using other people to help you solve your problems, or t least to offer insights that bear on any number of problems or decisions you need to make.

Mentoring relationships

Having a mentor, some organizations argue is crucial for rising in a hierarchy and for developing your skills. Frequently mentoring is done online.

Mentoring

is a partnership in which an experienced individual (the mentor) helps someone who is less experiences (the protege) learn how to achieve his or her goals.

Workplace Romance

Opinions vary widely concerning workplace romances although the work environment seems like a perfect place to meet a potential romantic partner. Can make work more enjoyable and more satisfying. Can cause problems when relationships go bad

Bullying

consists of abusive acts repeatedly committed by one person (or a group) against another.

Cyberbully

takes place through any electronic communication system - facebook, twitter, e-mail, etc. - and can take the form of sending threatening messages or images, posting negative comments, revealing secrets, or lying about another person.

Online-only relationships

relationships that exist between a tweeter/follower, blogger/reader, friend/contact on Facebook or linked-in, etc.

Attraction theory

holds that people form relationships on the basis of attraction. You are no doubt drawn, or attracted to some people and no attracted to others

You're attracted to others on the basis of five major factors: (Attraction Theory)

-Physical attractiveness and personality

-Similarity

-Proximity

-Reinforcement

-Reciprocity of liking

Physical attractiveness and personality (Attraction Theory)

people like physically attractive people more than they like physically unattractive people. We also feel a greater sense of familiarity with more attractive people than with less attractive people.

Similarity (Attraction Theory)

if you could construct your mate, it's likely that your mate would look, act, and think very much like you.