how to get into college (ROHAN)

rohan's lines

ANNIE

Greetings Admissions Officer –

ROHAN

YO.

ANNIE

My name is Annie Brewster.

ROHAN

I am known as Rohan. I have no last name.

ANNIE

I am very interested in your college.

ROHAN

I don’t care about you, your college, or your pets.

ANNIE

I have spent a lot of time in high school exploring my many interests.

ROHAN

I have ONE interest.

ANNIE

Whether it was my four years on the cheer squad or becoming a varsity debater.

ROHAN

Snakes.

ANNIE

I also worked a part-time job to learn that some things in life require hard work!

ROHAN

Snakes are my life.

ANNIE

While still maintaining a perfect A average and passing 12 AP tests.

ROHAN

Some people only have one or two snakes, and those people are posers. I have many, many

snakes. All kinds. I am wearing snakes on me right now. You can’t see them because they are

underneath my clothes. They appreciate my body heat.

ANNIE

I would like to answer the essay question: “Recount a time when you faced a challenge, setback,

or failure.”

ROHAN

I do not fail. I cannot.

ANNIE

One time, in Physics class, I was having difficulty understanding a concept. As much as I tried, I

couldn’t get it. I started doubting myself.

ROHAN

I am unstoppable force. Fear is the mind-killer.

ANNIE

I started wondering if maybe I wasn’t smart enough. Maybe this challenge was too much.

ROHAN

There is one challenge I face: And that is the wild boar which haunts my dreams. When the wind

blows, I will catch the scent of him in my nostrils, and the hunt begins. He is mighty – old as the

mountain and resents my intrusion into his world. He will kill me if he can. I will slay him and

say a prayer over his glorious corpse.

ANNIE

So I made note cards –

ROHAN

I fashioned a spear from sharpened wood using a mixture of my own blood and mucus as glue. I

wrapped the haft in the discarded skin of my beloved python, Beulah, to imbue me with her

power.

ANNIE

And I studied all night.

ROHAN

I found his dung near an overturned oak- fresh and still warm. I was closing in.

ANNIE

And then the day of the test came –

ROHAN

I came upon him near a stream – his eyes blazed with fire, he had been hunted for years – none

had claimed him. I pierced my own side with the spear to enrage him with the scent of my blood.

I wanted him angry.

ANNIE

The test was so challenging!

ROHAN

He charged upon me like the devil himself! My spear shattered when it struck his leathery hide!

ANNIE

And there was an essay question Oh no!

ROHAN (overlapping)

I felt the hot tang of his blood fill my mouth as I wrestled the great beast to the earth! I sank my

fingers into his flanks like talons –

ANNIE

I got an A!

ROHAN (overlapping)

His body shuddered beneath my assault! I became an animal then! I bit the creature and he bit

me! I am chaos and fire and death! I am Nimrod unbound! I am one with the great boar!

ANNIE

And that’s how I learned that hard work pays off!

ROHAN

I am the master of life and death! AAAAAAAAGGGHHH!

ANNIE

And if you accept me into your college, I will bring my can-do attitude!

ROHAN

I will bring snakes. Many, many snakes.