cmn 120 lecture section 3

Conflict

defined as a disagreement between two interdependent people who perceive that they have incompatible goals

The Four I’s of Conflict

1. Interdependence (the “breeding ground” for conflict)
2. Inevitable (where there is interdependence)
3. Incompatible goals (perceived)
4. Interaction

Parent-Child Conflict

Control issues (age two ”terrible twos”, adolescence)

Sibling Conflict

Competition over shared resources, such as, possessions, food, space, parental attention, etc.

Roommate Conflict

Privacy, chores

Friend Conflict

Typically, there is less conflict than in other relationship types

Romantic Conflict

Criticism, finances, and household chores.

Most conflicts in one’s life occurs in romantic relationships

Communication Privacy Management Theory

* There are five principles related to the idea of managing one’s privacy boundaries:


1. People believe they own and have a right to __control their private information__ and their physical spaces. 
2. People control their privacy by using __privacy boundaries__. This often involves __setting rules__. 
3. When others are told or are given access to a person’s private information, they become __co-owners of that information__. 
4. Co-owners of private information __need to negotiate mutually agreeable privacy rules__ about telling others. 


5. When co-owners of private information don’t effectively negotiate and follow mutually held privacy rules, __**boundary turbulence**__ is the likely result. 

Deception

defined as an intentional act in which senders knowingly transmit messages to foster a false belief or interpretation in the receiver.

*  viewed as a major relational transgression that often leads to feelings of betrayal and distrust.
* most lying occurs in romantic relationships. Moreover, romantic partners appear to “reserve their most serious lies for each other.”

High-Stake Levels

* are those for which the penalties for getting caught are severe. Law-related lies like fraud and perjury, are high-stakes because the penalty for getting caught can include steep fines and imprisonment. 

In addition to __legal penalties__, high-stake lies can carry significant __personal penalties__. Covering up an affair or lying to your boss could destroy your marriage or get you fired

ex. girl’s bf has groundhog day amnesia, but he was lying about it for 4 years

Low-stakes lies

for which the penalties for getting caught are comparatively mild. Those lies, sometimes called “white lies” often serve to avoid embarrassing people and hurting their feelings.

In many cases, the only real penalty for being caught in a low-stakes lie is __emotional discomfort__

Middle-stakes lies

consequences fall somewhere between the other two.

For example, lying for someone else will usually result in less embarrassment and less severe penalties than lying for yourself.

Some reasons why people deceive

1. Benefit the hearer. 
2. Protect our privacy. 
3. Help us avoid conflict. 
4. Make us look better in the eyes of the hearer.
5. Help us avoid punishment. 
6. Help us hurt someone. 
7. Protect our livelihoods.
8. Amuse us.

(IN GREEN, NO MEMORIZE)

Types of Deception: Falsification

passing off false or fabricated statements as though they were true

ex. old man wanted to know if he made it to 100 yrs old, daughter lied and said yes

Types of Deception: Exaggeration

inflating or overstating information is true.

Types of Deception: Equivocation

giving vague or ambiguous information to create a false impression

ex. taking a girl from work to something when she didnt want to

Types of Deception: Omission

leaving out consequential pieces of information in one’s story

Motives for deception: Partner-focused

Used to avoid hurting the partner, helping the partner maintain his or her self-esteem, avoid worrying the partner, and protecting the partner’s relationship with a third party.

(Often viewed as socially polite and relationally beneficial.)

Motives for deception: Self-focused

Used to enhance or protect their self-image, or wanting to shield themselves from anger, embarrassment, criticism, or other types of harm.  

(Often viewed as a much more serious transgression because of the selfish motivation.)

Motives for deception: Relationship-focused

Used to limit relational harm by avoiding conflict, relational trauma, or other unpleasant experiences.

(Can be viewed as beneficial and destructive.)

Negative effects of deception on relationships

When people uncover a significant deception, they usually feel a host of negative emotions, including anxiety, anger, and distress.

When people perceive their partners as dishonest, they report less relational satisfaction and commitment**.**

Positive effects of deception

Deception may help couples __avoid arguments__.

Deception allows people to __downplay their faults and accentuate their virtues__, which may help people develop and maintain relationships. 

Research suggests that people who __hold idealized images__ of their partners (and vice versa) are most satisfied in their relationships.

Detecting deception

Detecting deception is difficult because there are __no completely reliable indicators of deception__. 

Although deception is often accompanied by behaviors such as speech hesitations and body shifts, these behaviors can indicate general anxiety or other discomfort. 

The most reliable method for detecting possible deception is to __compare a person’s normal, truthful behavior with his or her current behavior.__

Truth Bias

People expect others to be honest, so they enter conversations without suspicion and do not look for deceptive behavior.

Truth biases are especially strong within close relationships and with people who we like. (Receiver)

Behavioral Control

People try to control their nervous or guilty behaviors to appear friendly and truthful. (Sender)

Behavioral familiarity

Those in close relationships have knowledge of the partner’s typical communication style. (Receiver)

Informational familiarity

You know certain information about your relational partner, so your partner can’t lie to you about that information. (Receiver)

Motivations for keeping secrets

1. The desire to protect the relationship
2. To protect self or someone else
3. To maintain privacy

Negative effects of keeping secrets

1. Keeping secrets negatively affects the quality of the interactions with the person from whom the secret is being kept.
2. Secrets encourage concealment of relational problems. 
3. Must put on an “air” that everything is fine.

Negative consequences of keeping secrets": Hyperaccessibility (1)

People often try to suppress which results in rumination or obsessive thinking about it.

Positive outcomes of revealing secrets

It will reverse the negative effects and to achieve catharsis.

Negative outcomes of revealing secrets

Can elicit a negative reaction from the listener (disconfirming reactions may worsen what is likely an already diminished sense of self) And, might be viewed as a betrayal by others. 

The diversity of potential positive and negative consequences makes it difficult to determine when to disclose a secret and when not to do so.

Should you reveal a secret?

__Kelly & McKillop recommended the following:__

Is the secret troubling? (Ruminations or anxiety, physical consequences, etc.)

Is an appropriate confidant available? (Discreet, nonjudgmental, can help) 

If the answer is “no” to either of the questions, don’t reveal. 

If ”yes,” do reveal.

Six myths regarding infidelity

Article: “Once a Cheat, Always a Cheat”? By Jacqueline Andriakos 

Published in: __Special Time Addition__: *The Science of Marriage*

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Researchers are learning that there is no profile of a cheater, just as there is no blueprint for infidelity. The drivers of cheating—and the consequences of it—vary greatly, and they’re often unpredictable. Author Esther Parel wrote: “What we do know is every affair will redefine a marriage, for worse or for better.”

Myth #1 Infidelity is a sign of an unhappy marriage.

Men’s motivations tend to different. According to scholar Barry Kuhle, “Men are simply more opportunistic…If the opportunity to cheat presents itself, males are more likely to engage, even if they are perfectly content with their partner.” 

One study reported that 56% of men said they were happy in their marriages, despite have extramarital affairs. 

In general, people tend to stray because they feel discontented with themselves, perhaps they are grappling with low self-esteem or getting older.

“It’s frequently an internal psychological trouble taking place that has nothing to directly with the relationship.”

SOMETIMES BUT NOT ALWAYS

Myth #2 Cheating is all about sex.

Both sexual and emotional betrayals sting.

There is no agreement on the definition of infidelity, even in the research. What’s clear, though, is that you don’t need to have actual physical contact to have some sort of sexual, intimate experience. 

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One scholar wrote that men are more likely to focus on the sexual aspects of their partner’s infidelity, while women are more likely to be hung up on the emotional implications.

Women will question the depths of the relationship: How many times did you lie to me? Have our kids ever met this woman? Are you in love with her?

SOMETIMES BUT NOT ALWAYS

Myth #3 Powerful men stray the most.

Although the headline—grabbing affairs we hear about often star a high-profile man, status is only one of many affair triggers.

One study found that men with breadwinner wives cheat three times as much as women who are economically dependent on their husbands. 

Men tend to get the bad rap for being cheats but the averages for both sexes hovers just above and below 20%.

Most men and women who are unfaithful are not chronic philanderers. They are your average people who have been faithful for years and then don’t know how they got there.

Myth #4--If it happened once, it’ll happen again.

The serial cheater exists, but it’s a niche category of adulterers.

A survey of 700 men and women in long-term relationships, and among those who cheated on former partners, 70% said they had not cheated on their current significant other.

Myth #5 People know when they are “playing with fire.”

We do not always understand our natures or comprehend romantic traps that might be in front of us.

Some people truly to not realize that some is flirting with them. To prevent a side friendship from becoming romantic, recognize it as a potential threat to your marriage. 

“Flirting feels good, which is why boundaries are important.

If you allow an emotional affair to grow long enough without sufficient obstacles, it will almost invariably lead to a sexual affair.

Myth #6 An affair always destroys a couple’s marriage.

80% of couples stay together at one of them has an affair. Healing requires a long, evolving process of discussion and then forgiveness. 

Many couples who stay and work hard to get pat the affair come out on the other side stronger than before.

This is partly because infidelity __spurs a more open dialogue.__

“In the aftermath of an affair, people finally start to talk about what their unmet needs are.” This can result in an improved and more intimate relationship.

Negative consequences of keeping secrets: Rebound effect (2)

Can forget for a while until some stimulus brings it back to mind.

Negative consequences of keeping secrets: Fever model of self-disclosure (3)

Pressure builds and the secret gets blurted out. Most common with cases of infidelity.

Negative consequences of keeping secrets: Split Loyalty Pattern (4)

Secret keepers are often put in a bind of having to choose between being loyal to other secret holders and being loyal to friends or family who may be hurt by not knowing the secret.

ex. someone wants to confide in their mom but is scared to talk to their dad, causes issues between mom and dad

Friendship Dialectics (Baxter)

There are four dialectical principles that need to be managed in friendship communication. 

A dialectic is a tension between two or more contradictory elements in a system. 

Friends don’t always agree with which side of the dialectic they prefer at any given point in time.

(Baxter) These dialectics are common sources of conflict in platonic friendships:

1. The freedom to be dependent and the freedom to be independent. 
2. Using the friendship for affection or using it for instrumentality/utility (favors).

**ex. she has a friend who always brag they have a house in Santa Barbara and Aspen, got offended when she asked if he only liked what they own**
3. Sometimes we feel judgmental toward a friend but believe that friendship should be about acceptance.

**ex. friend was telling their friend about the affair they’re having and mad that they did not accept them and did not want to hear about it**
4. Sometimes we think we should tell our friends the truth about how we think or feel about something—expressiveness; but on the other hand, sometimes we want to protect our friends from potentially hurtful information. (Expressiveness vs. protectiveness.)

**ex. she had two friends that died of anorexia, she was scared to tell her friend she’s causing her daughter to get a eating disorder**

**ex. friend’s daughter was prostituting herself and she felt she needed to tell her mom**

Approaches to Conflict: Destructive approaches (1)

Trying to hurt the other, trying to win, not trying to learn from or improve the situation

Approaches to Conflict: Constructive outcomes

Solves problems, creates new and better ways of being together, develops mutual empathy, reinforces commitment, increases satisfaction

The way partners manage conflict is a better predictor of relational satisfaction than is the simple existence of conflict. 

Learning to manage conflict constructively is imperative for having long-term satisfying relationships.

General Conflict Areas *Lawrence Krudek*

1. __Power:__ Lack of equality in the relationship, excessive demands or possessiveness, imbalance in allocation of household tasks
2. __Social issues__: Political views and social issues, personal values 
3. __Personal flaws__: Personal grooming, driving style, drinking, or smoking
4. __Distrust__: Previous lovers, lack of trust, lying
5. __Physical intimacy__: Sex, lack of affection 
6. __Distance:__ Frequent physical absence, job or school commitments

Attribution Theory (Fritz Heider)

**W**hen someone we know behaves in an unexpected way, or when we, ourselves, behave in an unexpected way, we actively seek the answer to the question “Why?” “Why did that person do that?” “Why did I do that?”

Our individual traits combined with the situation we find ourselves in explains human behavior.

**ex. of attribution = complaint**, husband embarrasses wife at restaurant and he was insensitive, he said “that’s a lot of calories”

ex. husband called her spoiled and that’s the reason she is unhappy in the marriage

**Situation X Traits = Behavior** (Attribution Theory (Fritz Heider) continued)

It is usually a __combination__ of the individual’s traits AND the situation in which we are involved that determines how we behave.

To understand someone’s (or our own behavior) we need to consider __both person and the situation__.

It is recommended that we attempt to give others “the benefit of the doubt” by considering 

how situational factors may have affected the person. This will __result in more constructive outcomes when resolving interpersonal conflicts.__

Styles of Conflict Management

There are five styles of conflict management based on the degree to which the parties have:

  **1) Concern for self and/or 2) Concern for other**

When we make situational attributions regarding the other person’s behavior, we tend to approach conflict conversations in a more collaborating or compromising manner. This will lead to more constructive outcomes.

Styles of Conflict Management: Competitive style (1)

 High concern for self, low concern for the other

Styles of Conflict Management: Accommodating style (2)

Low concern for self, high concern for the other

Styles of Conflict Management: Avoiding style (3)

low concern for self, low concern for the other

Styles of Conflict Management: Collaborating (4)

High concern for self, high concern for other

Styles of Conflict Management: Compromising (5)

 Moderate concern for self, moderate concern for other

Accounts

* ways of justifying and explaining one’s behavior.

When we violate the moral framework of a relationship, we are expected to explain our actions. Accounts answer the question of __**“why”**__ we did what we did.

ex. went on lunch date w guy w emotional baggage, he saw his wife cleared out his apt and never knew what happened

ex. she got ghosted and really needed an explanation, found out the guy was married

Accounts for the Sender

 a way to save face, accomplish goals, and preserve relationships.

Accounts enable the violator to frame events by creating a context in which to interpret those events.

By giving an account, we attempt to control the meaning of the situation.

Accounts for the Receiver

enable them to “move on” because they have been given the answer to “why” the rule was violated

Negative conflict patterns: Demand-Withdraw (1)

When one person demands, the other withdraws.

ex. revolutionary road, Leo demands, Kate withdraws

Negative conflict patterns: Negative reciprocity (2)

Back and forth engagement in negative conflict behaviors; hurtful messages

Negative conflict patterns: Button-pushing (3)

When feeling hurt and uncertain people may purposefully say or do something they know will be especially hurtful to the partner.

The key is that it is known that your words or behavior will severely bother the partner.

ex. Leo said “maybe this will show you to get rid of the ridiculous dream of becoming an actress”

ex.

Negative conflict patterns: Devaluation (4)

The most intense hurt feelings arise when a person’s words or actions communicate devaluation. Devaluation involves feeling unappreciated or unimportant. We can feel devaluated at an individual or relational level.

Negative conflict patterns: Gunny-sacking (5)

Occurs when people store up old grievances and then dump them on their partner during a conflict.

Rather than discussing each issue when it first surfaces, issues are placed in a metaphorical gunnysack and then are all presented at once.

Negative conflict patterns: Kitchen sinking (6)

Similar to above, however, instead of storing up complaints, people rehash their old arguments when they get into a new argument.

Empty threats

* suggesting you will do something that you do not really intend to do: “I can’t stand this anymore; I want a divorce,” although they actually have no intention of terminating the relationship.

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Two negative consequences:

1) not following through on threats makes the “bluffer” lose face and credibility, and

2) may cause a process of “psychological” separation in the other person, moving the idea of life without that person to the forefront of one’s mind. 

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These are so threatening to relationships that marriage counselors urge spouses to never use these kinds of empty threats

ex. dad threatened kids w abandoning them at the park

Meta-complaints

Complaining about a partner’s complaints. Results in being angry at someone because they aren’t happy about something that you do

Mind-reading

Occurs when people assume that they know their partner’s feelings, thoughts, motives, and intentions.

We often observe another person’s behaviors and then make assumptions about what is going on in their mind.

Nobody wants to be told what they are thinking or feeling. Only we know what we are thinking and feeling. __Mind-reading tends to heighten the conflict__.

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: Criticisms (1)

Negative, judgmental comments about personal characteristics, performance, personal appearance; meta-complaining.

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: Defensiveness (2)

Refusing to let anything the other person says “sink in.” Deflects all negative feedback.

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: Contempt/Disgust (3)

Showing hostility and a complete disregard for the other’s “character.” (Most predictive of imminent divorce.)

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: Stonewalling (4)

Refusing to speak to or walking out on the other person.

Three *explanations* for negative conflict patterns: Emotional Flooding (1)

Feeling attacked by another causes a quick flood of negative emotions which results in fight or flight response. Negative conflict patterns heighten the problem

Three *explanations* for negative conflict patterns: Communication Skills Deficits (2)

involves not being to effectively voice one’s point of view without anger, blame, and hostility.

Three *explanations* for negative conflict patterns: Making Attributions (3)

Attributions are “a perceptual process of assigning reasons or causes to another’s behavior.” People are especially likely to make attributions about negative behavior. 

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When we make an attribution about someone’s behavior that we perceive to be negative or wrong, we are saying that the cause of the person’s ”bad” behavior is  “in the person.”

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It’s better to stay focused on the person’s offending behavior, not generalizing the behavior into a personal quality

ex. her husband the reason why she’s spoiled and too high self-esteem is that her mom put me on a pedestal

Meta-Attributions

are attributions about attributions.

These, too, intensify negative conflict. With each one of these the focus of the argument gets farther and farther away from the true causes.

Positive Approaches

1. Behavioral complaints
2. Accounts
3. Argumentativeness
4. Calming down
5. Accommodating
6. Reciprocal positivity

BC A A CD A RP

Behavioral Complaints

* involves providing very specific descriptions of the behaviors that were perceived by you that you believe “caused” you to get upset. 

Don’t use evaluative generalizations; instead, explain the what, when, and how of the inciting concrete episode that led to the upset. 

These are complaints that are concretely and specifically explained. They focus on the behaviors of the other person as opposed to attacking the person. Instead of expressing personal criticisms, it is recommended to use behavioral complaints.

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Behavioral complaints are the best way to move away from frustrating attributional arguments.

**ex. has friend that was upset w husband, “that’s a lot of calories” embarrassed her in a restaurant**

Accounts example

friend that drifted apart, they lived close again and went to lunch

mentioned she divorced her husband bc he had an affair

* professor could understand why he would have an affair and asked her friend for an account of why he cheated
* they got remarried

Argumentativeness

__Refers__ to a conflict style that focuses on logical argument and reasoning. People with an argumentative style confront conflict directly by recognizing issues of disagreement, backing up claims with evidence and reasoning. 

Those who have this style don’t have to resort to name-calling or other negative tactics. 

(The opposite of “communication skills deficit.”)

Calming down

The best way to avoid engaging in hurtful messages is to take time away from the other to calm down.

People often say what they do not mean when they are “emotionally flooded,” so calming down reduces the impulse to “fight.”

Accommodating

People tend to retaliate when their partner engages in destructive behavior. Accommodating is when __**you refuse to engage in negative reciprocity.**__ 

Accommodation occurs when people resist and overcome this initial tendency and engage in cooperative, rather than uncooperative, communication to maintain their relationships.

Couples in satisfying, committed relationships are more likely to engage in accommodation than couples in uncommitted or dissatisfying relationships.

When people successfully accommodate this typically prompts a pattern of positive reciprocity. Accommodating is not the same as yielding.

Reciprocal Positivity

When both partners engage in cooperative strategies

Forgiveness

Our close relationships are grounded in a set of assumptions and informal agreements. 

We are emotionally invested in these social arrangements, as they form the basis of our mutual trust, respect, and psychological safety. Yet nearly every partner in a long-term relationship experiences breaches in the __**“relational covenant.”**__ 

Research with long-term romantic couples suggest that these types of occurrences are relatively common. 

The capacity to __**negotiate forgiveness**__ during these trying episodes may be among the most potent predictors of relationship longevity.

Examples of Transgressions

Affairs and other sexual betrayals (like watching porn)

Financial irresponsibility

Business failures

Drug and alcohol abuse

Serious differences in parenting

Public embarrassment

Vicious arguments

Broken promises/commitments

Roles of Forgiveness

Forgiveness plays a critical role in repairing a relationship after a transgression occurs. 

Forgiving a partner after a hurtful transgression is a daunting task and a complicated process that does not occur immediately. 

Forgiveness is a state of motivational change that involves inhibiting relationally destructive behavior and instead behaving constructively toward the person who committed the offense. 

Forgiving someone can be very difficult and at times “impossible,” because the __paradoxical quality of forgiveness__

The paradoxical quality of forgiveness

“The forgiver gives up the resentment, to which he or she has a right, and gives the gift of compassion, to which the offender has no right.” 

(Freedman & Enright, 1996)

Defining Forgiveness

__Forgiveness is a relational process whereby__… 

\--harmful conduct is acknowledged by one or both partners, 

\--the harmed partner extends undeserved mercy to the perceived transgressor, 

\--one or both partners experience a transformation from negative to positive psychological states, 

\--and the meaning of the relationship is renegotiated, with the possibility of reconciliation.

Forgiveness Communication Processes

There are at least six communication processes that are integral to the __negotiation of forgiveness:__


1. Revealing and discovering transgressions.
2. Communicating emotions.
3. Sense making.
4. Seeking forgiveness.
5. Granting forgiveness. 
6. And finally, managing the relational transition occurring after forgiveness initially is granted.

Forgiveness Prescriptions

These are a summary of prescriptions that came from long-term married couples who had underwent a variety of significant relational transgressions. 


1. Acknowledge wrongdoing
2. Apologize sincerely
3. Address emotion explicitly
4. Request outside assistance
5. Forgive and remember
6. Use time to advantage
7. Revisit communication rules

Acknowledge wrongdoing (1)

Sufficient acknowledgement of wrongdoing appears to be both a necessary part of forgiveness and an important step in reasserting relational justice. 

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Doing so is often enough to assure our partner that commonly-agreed upon values will be respected in the future. “Justice will prevail.”

Apologize sincerely (2)

Apology is the form of communication most likely to be associated with successful forgiveness. 

Apologies communicate remorse and acknowledge a shift in conversational power to the wounded partner.

Apologies must be authentic to advance the forgiveness process.

Address emotion explicitly (3)

Serious transgressions result in shock, embarrassment, anger, and hurt. 

Communication is the process by which emotion is vented. “Get it out on the table,” one wife advised, “don’t hold it in.”

For many couples, honest discussion of emotion was prerequisite for progress.

Request outside assistance (4)

Because serious transgressions often overwhelmed the relational skills of couples, many couples recommended seeking outside guidance.  

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Pastors, counselors, and older family members were among those consulted when the partners found it impossible to resolve issues of accountability and to manage volatile emotions on their own.

Forgive and remember (5)

Couples “actively forget” in the sense that they no longer experience the emotional pain when they remember the transgression and put discussions of blame in the past.

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Yet they “actively remembered” the lessons learned from past transgressions to help ensure that similar or other transgressions would be avoided in the future.

Use time to advantage (6)

Many couples expressed the importance of time. Forgiveness is often an ongoing negotiation that can take months, years, and decades to complete. 

Angry partners sometimes need time to cool off before deciding if and how to forgive.

Allowing time to heal enabled partners to put a transgression in a larger relational perspective.

Revisit communication rules (7)

Transgressions often call into question the implicit agreements that govern relationships and make them predictable. Forgiveness often involves a reassertion of those rules. 

The offender must assure the wounded party that rules will be followed in the future. In some cases, new rules are proposed. 

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One wife said she would forgive her husband for an affair if he pledged to let her know where he was every minute. By complying with this new rule, the husband would reduce her uncertainty and gradually restore her trust.

Conclusion on forgiveness

Communication is the means by which we discover and confront wrongful behavior, make amends, negotiate its consequences, and __“set things right” in our minds__ and in our relationships. 

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By learning how to seek and grant forgiveness more effectively, couples may find both hope and justice in their relationship’s darkest moments.

ex. student whose husband committed suicide, people prefer to get suicide notes, but he blamed her in the letter

General Pathways to Relational Endings

1. Individual choice. Bilateral breakups are very rare. “It takes two people to develop a relationship, but only one to end it.”
2. Atrophy. Also means “Withering away.” Usually this occurs in friendships, rather than romantic relationships.
3. Separation. Because geographical closeness and repeated interaction lead to liking and intimacy, separation has the opposite effect. 
4. Death. Widows outnumber widowers 10:1. Having a strong social network is the best source of comfort and support for the bereaved.

Signs of Disengagement

Several scholars have suggested that disengagement is one of the key mechanisms through which initially satisfying relationships become unstable and at risk for termination. 


1. Emotional indifference:

Lack of strong positive or negative emotions directed toward the partner. 


1. Cognitive disconnection: 

Viewing the partner as unresponsive, detached, or different from oneself; psychologically distancing oneself from the partner and paying less attention to the partner.


1. Behavioral distancing:

Reducing levels of communication and involvement in the person’s life and interacting in less intimate ways.

ECB