Orange Is The New Glass

My name is Carol.

Cut! Listen, I’m going to stick with Mama Bear, okay? It makes you sound more relatable to our viewers at home.

But my name isn’t-

Listen, I need a story that people tweet about, and you need to get your story out.

Don’t you just want the truth?

I want a good story, capisce? Action! Sooo anyway, Mama, tell us what happened on that fateful day?

I’ve been trying to lose weight and-

Oh my gosh, you look great, by the way! What’s your secret?

Exercise

Amazing!

Um, thanks. Anyway, we came home and the door was wide open. So we-

What was going through your mind?! Were you terrified?

Not right away. I just thought I left the door open, but-

Cut! I appreciate your honesty and all, but this is kinda snooze-ville. I feel like sleeping beauty over here, you know what i’m saying? So just pretend it was scarier than it was, okay? Okay. And maybe cry a little.

Cry?!

It will feel more realistic. And action! So tell me how scary that must have felt.

It was pretty terrifying. We didn’t know who was in there so-

What did you do next?

Except my sons. Someone had eaten all of my sons porridge.

How did that make you feel?

Confused.

You’re a mother bear. Your protective instincts must have really kicked into high gear, right?

I guess

Cut!

I’m sorry! I’m a terrible liar.

Here’s the thing. I don’t need you to lie.

You don’t?

Of course not! Listen, you’re a mother. I’m a mother. How old is your son?

He’s eight. His name is Cecil.

That’s….adorable. Listen, if you can tell this story in a way that resonates with viewers, you could become a star. And then you will never have to worry about porridge for Cecil again. His college fund will be through the roof!

So what do I do?

You tell your story like it’s the most terrifying thing any bear has ever been through in her life. Can you do that for me, Mama?

Yeah I can do that.

Okay, great! Action! What did you do next., Mama Bear??

We went upstairs and saw that my husbands bed and my bed were unmade.

You and your husband sleep in separate beds?

Yes. Why?

No reason. Then what happened?

We looked into my son’s room. And there in my baby’s bed was-

What was it?

A girl!

A girl?!

Yes, a girl! A human girl! A very blonde, very human girl!

Oh. My. Gosh.

Yeah. you think these are the kinds of things that happen to other bears, but then it happens to you and-

That must have been pretty traumatic for you. Thank you for sharing your story with us, Mama.

It’s no problem. I really appreciate-

That’s all we have time for. Tune in to RoyalTV tomorrow to find out about the fitness plan that’s got Peter Pan back in flying shape!

Scene four

You can’t do this! I get the best dirt in town! I got Rumpelstiltskin to admit that his real name is Chad! My last prime time special broke records!

Which one was that?

The one about how Captain Hook really lost his hand!

Ew. Don’t remind me. Listen, Mother Goose-

That’s Mrs. Goose to you.

Fine. Mrs. Goose. Whatever. You’ve been a great asset to this network, but those stories were all how long ago?

That was two weeks ago!

Right, exactly! You haven’t had a hit in two whole weeks!

You owe me!

I don’t owe anybody anything. But I might be able to give you another job. Rapunzel is leaving Project Ballgown.

Why would she do that? It’s the biggest hit in TV!

Rapunzel says she wants to pursue her real passion, and that’s hardcore gangsta rap.

That sounds awful.

Meh, easy come easy go. Do you want the gig or not?

I can’t go from RoyalTV’s hardest hitting news program to hosting some cheesy reality show! What about my fans? What about my journalistic integrity? What about-

I’ll give you a bigger trailer.

Don’t insult me.

And a pay raise.

I don’t know…

And I can get your face on the cover of Better Gnomes and Gardens.

Where do I sign?

Project ballgown

Welcome back to Project ballgown. And once again let me say I am just. So. Happy to be the new host! I’m here with prince charming and his beautiful fiancé Cindy making her television debut!

It’s Cinderella.

Prince: She’s such a kidder. Cindy is fine.

Cinderella: I-

Now if you don’t mind i’d like to ask a rather personal question. How do you dance in glass slippers?!

Oh um, I just-

But in all seriousness, how are you processing the news of your stepsisters arrest?

What’s happened is she all right? Should I-

Oh, I’m sorry! my production manager says we must be moving along. Let’s welcome our contestants. First, you know him as the smartest of the three little pigs. Please welcome returning champion mortimer mortar.

I prefer to work in a variety of mediums. Photography. Architecture. I also teach a pilates class uptown.

A true renaissance pig. What have you got to show us mort?

Oh my!

cinderella: it looks like a lego nightmare.

Wow mort what a bold choice. And in a true rarity for project ballgown our challenging contestants are a team of princesses. Everybody in the audience curtsy for our old friends: sleeping beauty and snow white.

Oh dear our princesses appear to have fallen asleep. That’s not like them. Let’s try that again. Welcome to the stage our beloved princesses sleeping beauty and snow white.

Snow! Beauty! Look alive ladies!

Oh no did we fall asleep again?

What do you have to show us, snow?

Show you?

Your wedding dress design!

Oh, gosh was that today? I should have set an alarm. I had two apples last night and you know me, I was out like a light!

So you don’t have a dress prepared?

I’m afraid I don’t. But I can make a pie in a jiffy if you just give me and my birds a minute!

She brought birds?

Snow i’m afraid you and your partner are disqualified. So that leaves us with a pile of bricks-

Mort: Hey!

Sorry, Mort. As I was saying-

Remember, anything you say can and will be….hey guys wait up!

Hello and welcome back to the newly revived royal tv news hour! Princess cinderella and her fugitive stepsister goldie locke are continuing this little reunion behind bars! stay tuned after project ballgown to find out if orange really is the new glass?

You can’t just pull rank and bring back the royal tv news hour.

You really wanna miss out on this story?

Goose i don’t know how many times i have to tell you this. People don’t wanna watch the news anymore. They want to watch internet videos of princess’s falling down.

But we could bring back the good old days! We could get people hooked on the princess in prison. Then we could break more important stories about the corruption of the royal family about our useless police force about-

You just don’t like hosting the fashion show.

I’m sorry I just can’t do it. Those models all look so cranky and hungry and-

I’m going to do a solid and bring back the royal tv news hour in a probationary basis but on two conditions. One, the ratings dip any further, and the shoe is gone for good.

They won’t I assure you.

And you have to host the enchanted rose.

What is the enchanted rose?

I think i’m a pretty normal prince. My dad’s the king. I’m a sagittarius. When i’m not looking down on peasants, I enjoy playing cricket and shopping online.

And what would you say you’re looking for in a princess?

Somebody who’s easygoing. Enjoys formal gatherings. Doesn’t talk too much.

Isn’t he adorable? Oh they like you! that’s Great. because here on the enchanted rose the audience will be selecting your future bride by tweeting their choice. what do you think about that prince charming?

I think i’m doing this because my mom made me.

And I think monarchy has failed us all. But let’s jump right into your first blind date, shall we? For those of you watching at home, remember prince charming does not know anything about his blind dates ahead of time. Our first guest is royal in her own right. She’s the princess of the sea and she just wants to be part of his world. Please welcome the stage the little mermaid.

Having recently sold her voice to an evil sea witch our fishy friend is new to dry land. She might be shy but she’s got a bubbly personality once you get to know her! Her hobbies include quiet walks on the beach and wearing impractical shell bras let’s see if hits it off with prince charming.

Careful

looks like she still doesn’t have her sea legs.

I was thinking maybe we could try some seafood maybe joe’s crab shack?

Oh dear god.

What was that about? Chicks…

Blind dates. Don’t try them at home, kids! Come back next week to find out if prince charming finds love on the enchanted rose.

Mother goose that was great!

We just watched a prince try to take a fish girl to red lobster and you think that’s great?

Yeah it’s all over twitter. That and the princess prison break.

The what?

Rapunzel cinderella goldie locks and the witch broke out of prison.

Why didn’t you tell me? I’ve got to go!

But you’re still miced!

If there’s a story out there, mother goose is gonna be the one to tell it.

Do you think he can really help us escape the kingdom?

So that’s the plan, huh? Escape the kingdom? Can I quote you on that?

Mother Goose?

What are you doing here?

I’m here to interview you.

Cool!

No way.

Absolutely not.

I understand your resistance but I assure you I’m not like the three little pigs. I want to tell your story as honestly as possible. As long as we can tell it in 22 minutes with commercial breaks.

What’s in it for us?

Don’t you want people to know your real story? You haven’t done a single interview and people keep putting words in your mouth.

Yeah, mostly guests on your show!

It’s my job to report on important events! I can’t help if-

Did you tip off the fuzz, lady?

No!

I don’t care much for liars, Goose.

I promise! Quick, hide! I’ll cover for you!

Why would you do that for us?

To prove to you that I’m only interested in telling the truth. Now hurry! They’re coming!

Slow and…steady…wins the…

Oh, officer tortoise! Thank god you’re here! Where’s officer hare?

He burnt out…re tired…slow and steady wins the…

Yeah, I got it! Wins the race! You’ve got to hurry! I just saw cinderella, rapunzel, goldie locks and the witch!

Where’d they go?

over there!

True! I didn’t say anything that wasn’t true. We can’t rely on some cheesy tv journalist.

I’ll have you know I won a jiminy award!

If you’ll excuse us, we’ve got a wizard to see.

Be. My. Guest.

Ha! Thats a good one lady!

She didnt just let you waltz into the wizards office uninvited? How rude!

Oh, like you could do any better? What do you have that I don’t?

A press pass.

I already told you lady- Mrs goose? welcome back!

Hello, Pinocchio! How’d you get this job?

A certain cricket wrote me a letter of recommendation and BAM! Here I am!

I love Pinnochio! She’s the only person in the kingdom you can trust. Never lies anymore. Love the new nose by the way!

Aw you make me blush.

Pinocchio, is there any chance I could get my friends in to see the wizard?

I’d like to maam, but he’s busy.

Busy?

Indeed.

Doing what?

It’s confidential.

confidential? is he dealing with that bean stalk conflict out west?

i’m not at liberty to say

is he writing legislation about the snow queens impact on climate change?

no comment.

pinocchio please! we’ve got to speak to the wizard. can you just tell me where he is? off the record?

He quit mother goose!

Quit?

He never came back. Everybody keeps calling and leaving messages for him and i’m running out of post it notes and everything’s awful! what do i do?

Oh, pinocchio. everything is going to be okay.

he promised he’d make me a real boy finally! i feel like such a puppet!

there, there.

How do we solve this cinderella?

I don’t know! We’re never going to get out of here.

Where did you even want to go?

And then if I got out of prison things would get better. I thought the wizard would help us

run away from your problems?

no! well yeah I guess.

So what do you want to do instead?

but how? were felons.

but you’re celebrities too.

We have the power to talk to the entire kingdom.

you can use your platform to change things.

we can use my instagram

and my show on royal tv, because strictly off the record I want to crush the prince just as much as you do.

I have an idea.

lights up on scene reality

I must say this is unexpected, prince charming. after only two dates you’ve found, this girl in a coma?

She has great skin, makes a fantastic pie, and she never disagrees with me.

How sweet.

these accusations are untrue.

hush, son. this is good tv

I’m not royalty. I’m not a celebrity. i’m just as hardworking woman looking to clean up this mess.

this is very inspiring, cinderella, but what specifically is your plan?

this is for the tortoise who knows that slow and steady wins the race. let’s change the ending of this story together.

wow! powerful stuff! what are your thoughts, your majesty?

i think my experience, my ancestors, and my jawline speak for themselves.

we will see! stay tuned folks.