hello dolly (dolly)

all her lines so help me god

(Ensamble) Call on…

(first dolly monologue, i’ll make a google doc for these)

(Ambrose) Mrs. Levi!

Mr. Kemper, the artist! You know, i’m quite something of an artist myself, I do those silhouettes with scissors and black paper, here’s one of Ada Rehan looking the other way. I have to do them like that because I’m no good at noses.

(A) …and if we don’t get there on time-

But we will- Mr. Kemper! And not only will Horace Vandergelder give you permission to marry his niece, Ermengarde, but he will also dance at your wedding, and not alone either, because I happen to be engaged in finding him a suitable second wife himself. What he really wants is someone steady to clean the house. As my late husband Mr. Levi always said, marriage is a bribe to make a housekeeper think she’s a householder…

(A) …Mrs. Irene Molloy this very afternoon!

Which is exactly why I’m on my way to Yonkers this morning, Mr. Kemper, and can take on your case and knock off four lovebirds with one stone or whatever I’ll throw I’ll see and well well well what do you think of that I have nothing here to pay my train fare with, only large bills, fives and sevens…

(A) …Wild goose chase, Mrs. Levi!

And speaking of poultry I am also available for fresh Jersey eggs, surgicial corsets re-boned, ears pierced, piercied ears replugged…

(A) Tell me, Mrs. Levi, what’s in all this for you?

A living, Mr. Kemper. Some people paint, some sew… I meddle!

(I put my hand in plays)

(A) Mrs. Levi!

I know, Mr. Kemper, the Yonkers train is ready to leave! Now you go buy our tickets, get a window seat, order lunch and I’ll meet you on board.

Ephraim Levi, I’m going to get married again. I’m going to marry Horace Vandergelder for his money and send it out circulating among the people like rainwater the way you taught me- and I want a sign from you, sometime today, that you approve. Oh it won’t be a marriage in the sense we had but I shall certainly make him happy… and I’m tired, Ephraim! Tired of living from hand to mouth, so I want that sign…

(A) …Mrs. Levi!

Sometime today!

Now don’t you worry, Mr. Kemper, we’ll make that train, we’ll get to Yonkers, you’ll marry Ermengarde. Just leave everything to me!

(end song)

(Horace V.) All right, out of here, all of you…

Congratulations, Congratulations, a thousand congratulations!

(H) What? What?

Congratulations, Mr. Vandergelder! All New York is buzzing with the news that you’ve practically proposed to Irene Molloy. The streets are lined with eligible young ladies prostrate with grief. All my congratulations and sympathy-

(H) Sympathy?

Did I say that? A slip of the tongue, that’s all. No I’m delighted with the happy news, after all she wasn’t easy to unload- by that I mean you know what people said although I for one never believed the rumors, no I didn’t…

(H) Rumors? What rumors?

Nothing to get upset about, Mr. Vanderguelder. I mean according to all known facts her first husband passed on quite naturally. It’s just that he went so sudden. A few spoons of chowder she made special for him and pfft! But, it could happen to anyone. No there’s no truth in it. Just one word of advice, Mr. Vandergelder. Eat out!

(H) …you mean to say that Mrs. Molly-

I mean to say nothing, Mr. Vandergelder. Just friendly advice. Keep away from the chowder. By the way, she’s ordered her wedding gown, beautiful; you should see it- black! Well as I said before, Mr. Vandergelder, congratulations on your forthcoming nuptials and may you rest in… I mean, may guardian angels watch over you both. Particularly at dinner.

(H) …this afternoon… as arranged!

Very well, Mr. Vandergelder, then there’s nothing more for me to do but go back to New York and tell the other girl, the heiress, not to wait…

(H) What did you say?

Nothing, a word, heiress.

(H)… I demand particulars- her name!

Her name? Er, um, blah… Money? Ernestina Money.

(H) What a lovely lovely name.

Picture if you will, hair as shiny as a newly minted dime… eyes as big and round as silver dollars… skin as soft and mossy as an old greenback-

(H) I can feel her now.

Age nineteen; weight, a hundred and two; waist forty- seven-

(H) Waist forty-seven?

That’s with the money belt. Now I could arrange for ryou to meet Ernestia this very afternoon.

(H)… forgets a certain Ambrose Kemper!

I could do that for you, Mr. Vandergelder. I know how to do such things.

(H) Then I’m marching in the Fourteenth Street Parade!

What an amazing coincidence! Guess who’s been chosen to ride on the main float- the Spirit of Fourteenth Street- Miss Money! Her mother was a Cash, you know.

(H)… another call on Mrs. Malloy first!

Oh dear, what races you make me run! Very well, Mr. Vandergelder, I’ll meet you on that bench in front of Mrs. Molloy's hat shop as usual.

(H)… don’t llike Miss Money neither!

Well, then I happen to have one more name on my list, Mr. Vandergelder, a name I know as well as my own but let’s not go into that now. It’ll come up by itself all in good time, don’t you worry about it! Oh, but wait’ll you see Ernestina, Horace! A vision! A dream!