Clue: Wadsworth Lines (Scenes 1-6)

butler

PROLOGUE

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MCCARTHY: *finishes line* / NEWSCASTER: *starts talking again*

*(enter R door, begin to take off coat, fiddle with gloves, etc.)*

NEWSCASTER: time and time again….

*(move to follow Yvette)*

NEWSCASTER: …except as dictated by common decency

Yvette?

YVETTE: …You frightened me half to death

Wouldn’t want to do that. There are so many better ways to die. *(pause)* Please turn off that noise. (*news stops)* Is everything ready?

YVETTE: Oui

Good. Cook?

COOK: You called, sir?

Everything on schedule?

COOK: Dinner will be ready at 7:30. Sharp. *(doorbell)*

*(look out window)* Ah. Right on time. You have your instructions?

YVETTE: Oui

Very well then. *(cross to door)* Let the game begin.

START SCENE 1

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*(open door)*

Good evening.

MUSTARD: Good evening. I’m not sure if I’m in the right-

Yes, indeed you are expected, Colonel.

MUSTARD: How do you-

It is Colonel Mustard, isn’t it?

MUSTARD: No, that’s not my name. My name is Colonel-

I believe it’s been recommended that tonight you use a pseudonym.

MUSTARD: …antihistamine before I came.

*(taking coat)* May I take your coat?

MUSTARD: Oh. All right. I suppose I… *(champagne cork)*

Not to worry, Colonel. It’s just the maid, in the Hall, with the champagne cork.

*(YVETTE and MUSTARD TALK) (doorbell)* MUSTARD: Are you expecting someone else?

*(step between them)* Indeed. I’ll be with you in a moment. *(lil bow)*

Y then M: With pleasure, my dear. *(open door)*

Do come in, madam. You are expected. *(welcoming arms)* Welcome.

WHITE: Do you know who I am?

Only that you are a socialite to be know this evening as Mrs. White.

WHITE: Yes *(takes off veil)*

*(CATCH VEIL)*

WHITE: It said so in my letter. But, why-?

May I introduce you? Mrs. White, this is the maid, Yvette. *(sound cue)* I see you two know each other.

W/Y/WHITE: I think not

Please, warm yourself in the lounge.

WHITE: Why, do I look cold?

A bit. *(to Lounge)* I’ll be right with you.

….. *(doorbell)* WHITE: More?

Oh yes.

*(walking to door)* YVETTE: ….come in from ze rain.

Mrs. Peacock, I presume.

PEACOCK: Who? Oh yes! That’s me!

Cook, will you please take Mrs. Peacock’s stole? *(music cue)* I see you two know each other.

…. PEACOCK: My lips belong to the Lord!

*(step between)* Please make yourself comfortable in the lounge.

….. PEACOCK: …the caramels for you, butler.

How…. sticky. *(give chocolates to cook)*

PEACOCK: I expect to be treated like the wife of a- *(doorbell)*

Hold that thought. Right this way. After you, Mrs Peacock.

MUSTARD: This is turning out to be quite the crowd.

*(walking back to door) (open door)*

GREEN: … meet a … Mr. Boddy?

Sit! No. Not you, sir.

GREEN: Sorry, sorry.

Please, come in.

GREEN: …has me rather anxious.

You must be Mr Green.

GREEN: Yes. That’s exactly who I am.

Welcome, sir.

GREEN:Whoa. This isn’t at all what I expected.

*(following behind)* I find that if you expect nothing, you’re never disappointed.

GREEN: Oh, I’m not disappointed… *(doorbell)*

Pardon me, sir. *(bow and go to door) (open door)* Good evening.

PLUM: …. Well here I am…

Professor Plum

P: *(blah blah)*

SCARLET: Well, well, well. And I thought I’d seen everything…

Miss Scarlet. Welcome. I didn’t realize you and the Professor were acquainted.

SCARLET: … the same place until… we arrived.

How was your drive? *(slowly going L)*

PLUM: It’s a long haul.

Indeed, It is a long hall. But then, it’s a very large house. This way please.

SCARLET: Say…. what is this godforsaken place anyways?

This old place? Oh this… *(face audience)* is Boddy Manor.

*(thunder/lightning) (colors jump)*

Cook. Dinner?

COOK: Directly.

Appetizers in the Lounge. After you. *(go R and do stuff while they all talk)*

GREEN: There are so many of you- I didn’t realize…

Right. Good then. You’re all here.

Colonel Mustard?

Miss Scarlet?

Mrs White?

Professor Plum?

Mr Green?

Mrs Peacock?

Greetings. I am Wadsworth, the butler.

Tonight, as you may have surmised, nobody is being addressed by their real name. A courtesy your host has provided to ensure your privacy. I suggest you follow his lead and refrain from revealing too much about yourselves this evening. You never know when-

*(GONG)*

Ah. Dinner.

G/P/S: Mr Wadsworth, you were saying.. “You never know when” … what?

What?

SCARLET: What?

Hm? This way please.

*(GONG)*

We really oughtn’t keep her waiting. Cook can get cranky. Ladies and gentlemen, follow me. The Dining Room is right this way. *(down)*

SCENE 2

You’ll find your names beside your places. Please be seated.

MUSTARD: This place- at the head of the table- is that for you?

Indeed no, sir. I don’t sit. I am merely a humble butler.

MUSTARD: What exactly do you do?

I buttle, sir. *(walk away)*

COOK: Dinner is served.

Thank you, Cook.

PEACOCK: All right then, what’s all this about, butler; this dinner party?

“Ours not to reason why, Ours nut to do and die…”

GREEN: Die?

Merely quoting,sir, from Alfred, Lord Tennyson.

S/M: … Is this where he sits?

All in good time, sir.

*(colors have dinner convo)*

*(serve wine, take empty cups, plates, etc.)*

MUSTARD: Wadsworth, we’ve had about enough of this! Where’s our host, and why have we been brought here? *(doorbell)*

Ah, speak of the devil. Pardon me, please. *(exit through door)*

*(they do the silly glass thing, wait until M does his thing until you talk)*

All the guests have arrived as expected, sir.Everything’s going according to plan. We’ll meet you in the study. *(open door)*

PEACOCK: Oh, for goodness sake! Who was at the door?! I demand to know what’s going on!

*(step)* Can I interest any of you in fruit or dessert?

ALL: No!

*(down and around)* In that case, may I suggest that we adjourn to the Study for coffee and brandy, at which point I believe your newly arrived host will reveal his intentions, your letters will be explained and… *(face audience)* the game will be afoot.

SCENE 3

*(table being pulled off stage) (going back to Lounge)*

YVETTE: Coffee? Brandy?…

Thank you, Yvette. That will be all.

MUSTARD: It’s for you

*(reading)* Right then. Are you comfortable?

PLUM: Oh out with it, Wadsworth!

Ladies and gentlemen, these instructions are clear.

SCARLET: I’m glad something is.

It seems the 6 of you have all received the same letter. *(grab Plum’s)* “It will be to your advantage to be present on this date because a Mr. Boddy will bring to an end a certain long standing confidential and painful financial liability.

yes

As it turns out, you all have one thing in common.

MUSTARD: We’re all being blacklisted, aren’t we?

Close, Colonel. You’re all being blackmailed. For some considerable time all of you have been paying more than you can afford to someone who threatens to expose you.

P/SCARLET: Yeah lady, don’t we all.

Anybody else wish to deny it? Until you’d received your letters, you hadn’t know who was blackmailing you. But now, I’m sure even the least discerning amongst you has determined that the man behind your ransom…. is Mr Boddy himself.

SCARLET: Who is this Boddy fella, you brutish butler?!

Who Mr. Boddy is, is no concern of yours. Suffice it to say, he’s a supporter of the House Un-American Activities Committee- and he feels your *activities* have been decidedly un-American.

colors protest

My task this evening is to expose your secrets to each other- rendering you all culpable in each others’ indiscretions.

PLUM: But we hardly know each other!

Precisely.

WHITE: Don’t you think that you might spare us this humiliation?

I’m afraid I have no choice. We’ll start with you, Professor Plum.

SCARLET: Oooh, this oughta be good.

It says here you were once a professor of psychiatry specializing in pathological, lying lunatics suffering from delusions of grandeur.

PLUM: Yes, but now I work for the US government.

*(face audience)* So your work has not changed. But you can’t practice medicine anymore, can you? Your license has been lifted, correct?

SCARLET: Why? What’d he do?

You know how male doctors aren’t supposed to date his lady patients?

SCARLET: Yeah?

Yeah, well, he did.

PEACOCK: You’re disgusting.

Are you making moral judgments, Mrs Peacock?

PEACOCK: Well I-

*(backing her towards R)* How then, do you justify taking bribes in return for delivering Senator Peacock’s votes to certain lobbyists?

PEACOCK: My husband is a paid consultant. There is nothing sinful about that.

Not if it’s publicly declared. But if you slip cash under the stall door at Old Ebbitt’s Grill? How would you describe that transaction? *(cross around P)*

PEACOCK: No, it’s a viscous lie!

*(cross L arch)* But you’ve been paying blackmail for over a year now to keep that story out of the papers. Seems a little… sticky, no?

SCARLET: Not me.

You’re not being blackmailed.

GREEN: Ha-hah! So it is true!

*(step in)* A double negative!

MUSTARD: You mean you have photographs?

*(circling M)* That sounds like a confession to me. In fact, the double negative has led to proof positive. I’m afraid you gave yourself away.

MUSTARD: Are you trying to make me look stupid in front of the other guests?

*(crossing R)* You don’t need any help from me, sir. Colonel looks like you hold a sensitive security post in the Pentagon. Those “negatives” would most certainly compromise your position.

MUSTARD: This is an outrage!

*(step center)* Let’s see, who’s next? *(going towards G, last minute go W)* Mrs White, you’ve been playing our friend the blackmailer ever since your husband died under, shall we say, mysterious circumstances.

SCARLET: Why would he want to kill you in public?

I think she meant that he had threatened, in public, to kill her.

WHITE: It was all over the papers.

*(cross L arch)* And yet he was the one who died. Not you, Mrs White, not you.

SCARLET: A likely story.

*(cross center)* But he was your second husband. Your first also disappeared.

WHITE: That was his job- he was an illusionist.

But he never reappeared.

WHITE: He wasn’t a very good illusionist.

*(to G)* And lastly, Mr Green, who is a…

GREEN: I know what you’re going to say about me!

What’s that?

MUSTARD: … and I said, not me.

Yes, thank you, Colonel. But there’s more to it than that Mr Green.

GREEN: How do you mean?

There’s evidence to support the question of your politics.

GREEN: Since when is working for the Republican party a crime?

*(cross center)* You swore an oath of allegiance to the Republican party, but neglected to vote for Eisenhower in the last election. That’s grounds for an ousting if ever there was one.

PEACOCK: Everything has its price, Mr Green.

*(cross to R door)* So- there you have it.

PEACOCK: Have what?!

A crooked Senator’s wife, a lascivious doctor, a disloyal Republican, and so forth… not exactly adhering to an all-American standard of behavior, are you?

PLUM: … report us to the authorities?

And give up on the opportunity to make a buck? Come now, Professor. What could be more American than that?

PEACOCK: I’m leaving!

*(block door)* I’m sorry, Mrs Peacock. You can stay in denial, but you cannot leave this house!

PEACOCK: Locked?!

Indeed. *(cross to windows)* All the doors are locked, the windows are barred, and the grounds are patrolled by viscous dogs. There’s no way out!

This is an outrage!

*(step down center)* Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to introduce your host for the evening, and your blackmailer for life… Mr Boddy.