Once Upon A Mattress Queen Aggravain lines (ACT II)

(Larken, king, and minstrel walk across the stage to SR)

Jester! Jester! somebody stop him. stop him, I say. there he goes down that corridor. bring him here to me. this is a fine kettle of fish. Now, you wretch, i want the truth…what is all this noise about anyway? the moment i turn my back something outrageous is always going on in the corridors.

Minstrel: The QUEEN

I knew i couldn’t trust you, you wretch. what is going on here? what re you up to?

(im up to here)

WHAT?!

(does spanish panic)

something is going on around here. What’s under the mattresses?

(nothing)

It’s a dead body?!

(mock sadly, yes)

Pull that away. Well! What are you doing? explain yourself!

its just a joke you majesty…lancelot.

Lancelot! Wait! Lady Larken! take those things up to what’s-her-name’s chamber—matrtesses too.

your majesty…

QUIET! what are you doing in that ridiculous get-up?

Please, I…

Silence! and why weren’t you with the others?

your majesty…

Shut up. and why are you with this man? Answer me!

I…

well, speak up.

your majesty, i beg of you…

you were running away—is that it? You were running away!

Larken!

why you lowborn, ungrateful little sneak! is this the thanks I get for treating you as my own daughter? Just look at you! one of my girls running off with a musician!

why you low…

Just a moment!

What are you doing with that woman?

just a moment!

don’t tell me what to do, you…libertine!

QUIET! may I remind you that you are still one of my ladies in waiting? get above stairs where you belong and prepare what’s-her-name for bed!

Please you majesty…

Do as I say! And may I remind you, sir harry, that you are still one of my knights. step forward.

ohh…

and you relax! Sir Harry, I order this minstrel banished from my kingdom! I want him gone by daybreak. Sextimus! Go to bed. I don’t want you groping around in the dark all night. and the rest of you, listen closely. there is a little girl upstairs who is dog-tired.

oh no. she said she was going to study for her test.

all right, let her study, but when she goes to bed, I want her to get a good rest so I want quiet around here. Is that clear? I want quiet and I’m going to get quiet even if i have to scream the palace down. (giggles) QUIET!

(scene 7)

17, 18, 19, 20. That should do it. and one small pea. I had to bring it all the way up from the pantry. all the way up the most killing stair in the kingdom…there…(do the bit) all right, you can come in now. did you bring everything? the hypnotic mirror?

yes madame.

and the rest of the things?

yes madame.

and the girl…where is the girl? doesn’t she know its long past bedtime. you would think she would be dropping from exhaustion. oh, it’s you. ready for bed? you must be sure to get a good night’s rest so you’ll be fresh for your trip back to you kingdom or wherever it is you’re going. bring the hypnotic mirror. and where is the incantation? the wizard said it would be written on a slip of paper.

here it is your majesty.

yes.
silken swishing sibilance
wraps us in a gentle trance
deep in morpheus’ arms we lie
off we go to beddy-bye

You know, I think im getting a sty right here.

Ugh. bring the poppy and mandragora incense.
drowsy incense sweet aroma
wraps us in a gentle coma
Murmuring voices seem to say
mr. sandman’s on his way
That ought to get us to sleep, shouldn’t it? The sleeping draught.

here madame!

thats right. drink a little extract of opium and warm milk before bed i always say. drink in down. (hold her nose) now im sure you’re going to get a good night’s sleep…I wish i could say the same for myself. and just to make sure you have no trouble drifting off, i’ve prepared a special treat. bring out the nightingale of samarkand. who has the nightingale of Samarkand? naturally I have to do everything myself. all right, sing! Stop! you were brought here to put a live princess to sleep not to wake a dead one. Let’s have a lullaby, birdie, nice and soft.

(bird sings)

Yea, verily. now, my dear, why aren’t you in bed?

am I almost there?

help her up. well at least one person in this castle is going to get a good night’s sleep.

(scene 8)

here darling, let mother fix it.

leave me alone, mama, I can dress myself.

well, far be it from me to interfere, precious.

I can do it!

why are you wearing that so early in the morning?

Well, today’s the test, Mama, and I want to look my best for…

The test! why Dauntless, the test is all over, sweetheart.

huh?

the test is over, darling boy.

but mama, when was it? what was it?

I was last night. we put her to bed on 20 soft downy mattresses with a pea under the bottom one…to test her sensitivity. And, of course, the pea would have kept a real princess awake.

and she slept?

well, darling, I’m sure i don’t know. But she was practically falling asleep getting into bed…and yawning like a vulgar scullery maid. I mean she looked ghastly, darling, and old enough to be your…oh well, we’ll see.

don’t talk! here comes the Queen.

…and someday, dear, we’ll find a true princess for you, so don’t worry. good morning everyone!

good morning you majesty.

all here to see the princess on her way? since she’s such a favorite…of ours I have decided that she should have an extra special consolation prize. Sir Luce!

Here, you majesty. a very thoughtful gift.

Charming, charming. (throws rubber chicken) Dauntless!—and where is our little slugabed? she should be getting an early start. Ah, here she is now. she isn’t even dressed yet. she must have slept like a baby.

37,428.

37,428 what?

sheep. what do you stuff your mattresses with? jousting equipment?

what do you mean?

I mean that bed should be moved down to the torture chamber.

You didn’t sleep?

she’s going to get cold sleeping on the floor. I’d better take her up to her room.

Dauntless, wait…

what should I wait for, Mama?

To give this matter proper consideration…

she passed the test—and i have to take her up to our room.

I said Wait!! Now you listen to your mother. throughout this heartbreaking business of trying to find a true princess, I have never nagged, never interfered, and never expected on solitary word of sympathy!

shhhh, Mama. She’s asleep.

But I will not stand by and watch you throw yourself away on this little nobody.

Mama, Quiet!

I mean look at her: she may have passed the test but I must say I’ve never trusted anyone who had those shifty eyes or that mean little mouth or…