POTUS - Stephanie lines (ACT ONE)

Stephanie has flung herself in front of the closed door, blocking Margaret’s path

No!

Margaret: I’m gonna punt that man’s abscessed ass across the South Lawn and if you don’t get out of my way I will shred you like the sad cardigan you are.

Ma’am, he really is busy

Margaret: With what

You know that I can’t

Margaret: If he’s in there rubbing tea tree oil on his

He is not, Ma’am. Anymore. But he is in the middle of

Margaret: I checked his schedule and I know he has a break right now.

Something came up.

Margaret: Did it?

Yes, Ma’am.

Margaret: Margaret.

Pardon?

Margaret: Margaret or Margie. Do not address me as Ma’am. I sent a memo this morning.

Yes Ma’am — Margaret — Margie — Why are we calling you by your name now?

Margaret: To show how earthy I am.

Okay

Margaret: (bitterly) Because apparently these days it’s not enough to be wildly accomplished and deeply effective

Ohh is this about the

Margaret: I’ve launched free lunch programs in 6,000 public schools but all the tweens can meme about are the stilettos I wore to one homeless shelter

Is that why you’re wearing

Margaret: What do you think, Stephanie? You think this was my idea? You think that when I gave my speech as Valedictorian I said, “One day I will walk the halls of the White House in shoes that can double as flotation devices”? No! But there are children to feed, funds to raise, and Time Magazine is interviewing me today for their Women of Excellence series so I will not allow anything to distract from my work — least of all

Ma’am — Margaret — Margie — I am the Presidential Secretary and nobody enters that door without my say-so!

Margaret: What’s happening?

Harriet gave me a book about women taking up space in the workplace and I’ve read it twice!

Margaret: Are you having a stroke?

I’m power-stancing, I am decreasing my cortisol levels and increasing my testosterone, thus increasing my confidence!

Margaret: Does anyone read my memos?

(frantically, to Harriet.) She wanted to see the president and I said no! My spine was aligned and I was using declarative sentences!

Harriet: That’s great — Have you been listening to that playlist I recommended?

Bitchbeats, yes Ma’am, very empowering, I listen to it every morning while I eat my overnight oats.

Harriet: She’s still in the room, Margaret — Yes, Stephanie?

(A whimper.) The merch for the Female Models of Leadership Council arrived.

(STEPHANIE power-stances in the bathroom, earbuds in her ears, meekly singing along to an aggressive pop song from the BitchBeats playlist. DUSTY runs in and vomits. She clutches an oversized blue slushy.)

Oh!

Dusty: Frick. I’m so sorry.

Are you okay?

Dusty: Frick, I got it on my sleeve.

Is that a normal color to be coming out of a person?

Dusty: It was a buy-one-get-one-half-off for blue raz slushies, There wasn’t even a line!

Okay.

Dusty: Slushies are the only thing I can eat right now. Everything else makes me totally sick. I was feeling great after the blushies — thats what I call blue raz slushies — and then I ate a baby carrot and it all went to frick.

Do you need a doctor?

Dusty: Oh my gosh you’re the cutest to worry, but I’m fine! It’s for a beautiful reason! I’m pregnant!

Wow. That is (Dusty vomits blue.) beautiful.

Dusty: Gross. Sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt your dance practice.

I wasn’t

Dusty: Whatcha listening to? Oh my gosh — Bitchbeats is my favorite playlist! You know they have a karaoke version?

(She grabs one of STEPHANIE’s earbuds and starts loudly singing along.)

Um, are you an intern?

Dusty: (Delighted.) Oh my gosh do I look like an intern?

Not at all.

Dusty: I’m just visiting.

Are you important or are you lost? Did you get separated from a tour? Sorry, it’s just you’re not allowed to be in this wing unless you have the proper clearance.

(Dusty holds up a pass.)

Dusty: I thought that’s what this is for.

How did you get that? Who are you?

Dusty: I’m Dusty.

;

As in

Dusty: Dusty

Okay.

Dusty: I’m here about the position.

(She winks.)

What position?

Dusty: The position.

(She winks again.)

Why are you winking.

Dusty: I was told to be discreet.

So why are you winking.

Dusty: Do you mind just, like, pointing me towards the president?

Point you towards the president?

Dusty: I feel dumb, this is all new to me. I’m supposed to tell the lady that I’m here about the position.

Which lady? What lady? The first lady?

Dusty: I can’t remember her name, but she’s, like, I don’t know, she’s like really intense?

(Shrill.) They’re all intense here, everyone’s intense here!

Dusty: Not her, but woah.

Oh my god are you here for my position? Are they firing me?

Dusty: No! I mean I don’t know. I don’t know who you / are

They’re replacing ME with YOU? The girl who vomits BLUE?

Dusty: Are you okay? You’re rhyming.

How many languages do you speak?

Dusty: I think just English.

(Stephanie frantically hits a power stance and attempts a breathing technique. Dusty mirrors her.)

If you arch your back more your boobs will look bigger. I was captain of my school’s dance team.

(She demonstrates a brief but aggressive moment of choreo.)

I’m gonna be sick.

Jean: No one. Nothing. POTUS. But what does he know about

(STEPHANIE careens into the room.)

Dusty girl there’s a Dusty girl Dusty in the bathroom

Jean: Just rinse her off.

No it’s her name her name’s Dusty and she’s throwing up but she says she’s here about the position?

Harriet: Oh my god. She’s not supposed to be here until 3:30!

(Edge of tears.) So you do have a meeting with her? You are considering her?

Harriet: (to STEPHANIE) Find something for the president to sit on. At dinner. Something that allows him to / sit

Like a chair?

Harriet: No, not like a chair.

But maybe a chair with, like, a hole in it or, like, maybe an inner tube! You know, one of those floaty

Harriet: I know what an inner tube is

If we covered it with fabric

Harriet: Do I look like a sounding board to you, Stephanie?

No, Ma’am

Harriet: Find the First Lady and tell her I need her smiling next to POTUS at the Leslie Hopper endorsement. I don’t care what you do to get her there, just get her there

Oh god

Harriet: But bring the girl to my office

What do I do first

Harriet: All of them Stephanie I need all of them first! Look at me. Look at me. Look at me: if there was ever a time to prove your worth It. Is. Now. Do you understand?

(Flinging herself into a power stance, about to weep:)

Yes, Ma’am!

Harriet: This is your job. Are you good at your job?

I am good at my / job!

Harriet: You are woman! Hear you roar!

(Terrified and deeply inspired, STEPHANIE releases something half-roar, half-wail:)

AAAAAAAAAH

Harriet: Don’t actually yell, Stephanie, there / are meetings

I’m so sorry

Harriet: Why are you still standing there?

I just wanted to say how much I’ve loved working here and how much I appreciate all of your mentorship

Chris: Ha! - I would if I wasn’t still paying off the hospital bills for my C-section. Speaking of cunty

(STEPHANIE careens into the room, carrying a large inner tube.)

CHRIST Chris hi Chris, good to see you, sorry to interrupt, I was just

(Remembering the inner tube.) Oh, this?

Margaret: Stephanie

This is a, um, gift for the First Lady, From the staff

Margaret: Stephanie

Because um, everyone knows she loves inner tubing. Because of how. Earthy. She is.

Margaret: This interview is about ME! Not my husband, not the presidency - ME, and Harriet can gnash her teeth about my popularity all she wants but I will not allow her to ruin this by sending some spineless, sweaty, saltine of a human to

I understand you are upset, Ma’am, Margaret, Margie, but this is not coming from me, it’s coming from POTUS, or, or rather, Harriet, and I’m afraid it is non-negotiable - I hear you, but you are expected to accompany POTUS to the

(STEPHANIE finally snaps. In her power stance:)

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH you will accompany POTUS to the front lawn. You will stand next to him and you will smile DON’T TEST ME I AM GOOD AT MY JOB

Harriet: What the hell is going on here?

(Crumpling to the ground:)

Oh thank god

Harriet: Stand up, Stephanie.

I can’t

Harriet: Get up, Stephanie.

Not yet.

Harriet: Now, Stephanie!

It’s better down here.

Bernadette: Marge

(A wail of despair, at DUSTY.) YOU?

Margaret: If you’ve stolen so much as a fork from the White House - Stephanie, check her bag.

Yes, / Ma’am

Bernadette: (To STEPHANIE.) Put a hand on me, kid, I bite it off.

Yes, / Ma’am

Harriet: Put Dusty in my office, Stephanie

Yes, / Ma’am

Jean: Stay where you are, Stephanie

Yes, Ma’am

Harriet: (Staring JEAN down.) Now, Stephanie

/ Yes Ma’am

Jean: (Staring HARRIET down.) Don’t move, Stephanie

(Hyperventilating.) Oh my god

Bernadette: I’ve dropped acid on Air Force One on three separate occasions but that was by far the most out-of-body experience I’ve ever had.

(At HARRIET.) HER? SERIOUSLY?

Dusty: It seems like there are a lot of strong feelings in the room right now, but the good news is I am a certified conflict resolution mediator and I’m happy to provide my services.

(Desperately.) I could be a mediator! I’ll get certified! I’ll do whatever you want!

Harriet: What are you / taking about?

You don’t have to fire me I’ll take up space I’ll mediate while taking up space

Harriet: Bernadette / for the love of

Stephanie: (crying) I could be into ass play! If that’s what you want, I could, I could

Jean: How many of those have you had?

Six?

Bernadette: Look, everyone responds differently, she might not even feel them

Feel what?

Margaret: If you think you can show up here, unannounced, / and blackmail the president

Feel what?

Bernadette: Relax, those things are like vitamins to her by now.

(Hazily.) Are my feet on the ground?

Dusty: (Cheerfully.) I volunteer at a clinic back in Iowa. Affordable, safe reproductive health care is a basic human right.

(Anxious.) Where is the ground?

Dusty: Thank you, but I don’t need money. Our farm’s the number-one flax farm in Iowa.

There is no ground! Why is there no ground?

Dusty: (Thoughtful.) But I kinda think more people would be even madder is they found out you tried to bribe the president’s girlfriend into having an abortion against her will. Don’t you think?

(Terrified.) The walls are BREATHING!

1.6 (Pointing in horror at CHRIS’s breast pump)

DEVIL BOOBS!