Holy Mother of Bingo Mother/Father Culpepper lines

Now is not the time Mr O’Malley

Good evening! Good evening everyone! So sorry I am late! Traffic was miserable!

Where were you mother?

Oh, a prior engagement that’s all

Mother, could I have a word?

Mr blitzman! Of course! Any updates?

So ready we could make this happen-like that

And we’ve made sure everything is covered?

Mother Culpepper, this is such a wonderful night you’ve organized!

Well I can’t take all the credit. Okay yes I can! I’m glad you could make it!

But I rearranged my schedule so I could be here

Regina can I just say how much I admire your husband?

You’re not the only one!

We love having you in our parish. I see big things ahead for the Blitzmans!

Don’t worry about it! I’ve got it all taken care of!

Look at this turnout. Are we all set?

Yes! All set mother!

Alright then! Let’s begin as we do all things. Monsignor stoffregen, would you please lead us in prayer?

Through Christ our lord amen

Thank you Monsignor stoffregen. I just wanted to say, I am so grateful to the families and friends and students who came tonight to help us raise funds for the Mother of Mercy Parish and school. With the recent installation of archbishop rudolf, the spotlight has certainly fallen on churches like ours to show we are stable, strong community.

Just say it! Mother of mercy is going to fold isn’t it

Now listen we have no reason to believe-

Don’t let them close our church mother!

Obviously, there has been some speculation about the future of our parish and school. But nights like tonight are important for us to show the archdiocese that we are, hashtag, "Mother of Mercy Strong"! (PARISHIONERS groan at the catchphrase.) Now, this isn't a town hall meeting, it's Bingo Night! If you have a complaint, I ask you to do what normal people do when they have a complaint— whine about it on social media. So let's remember why we are gathered here. Tonight is a fundraiser. Or as I like to call it, a—

(Unenthusiastically.) —fun-raiser.

Did you steal my joke? (Back to ALL.)

Our last order of business is to review the rules. Who better to do that than tonight's lead sponsor, the most successful realtor in the region—from Blitzman's Buy or Sell Realty—our very own

Ted Blitzman!

Back to you, Father!

Thank you, Mr. Blitzman! What a guy, huh? I can't express how thankful we are to have a sponsor like you in our parish! Thank you, Ted! (Starts another applause.) Well, without further ado... let's get ready to bingooooo! (Lights out) Everyone stay calm! Remain in your seats! Percy! Did we pay the electric bill?

Yes we did has anyone seen Mr. Landers?

Mr landers are you here? Mr landers?

Mr landers the lights cut out for a minute. Can you make sure it doesn’t happen again?

It's true! Everyone knows the legend of Lumpy Landers. Kids talk about him at school all the time. Who else would want to work in a cemetery day and night?

Thank you, Mr. Landers! Okay, everyone... let bingo begin!

Bingo!

Alright, come on up! What's your name? (Audience member gives their name into the microphone.) Hey, I recognize you! Aren't you a Mother of Mercy graduate?

Well congratulations! Please select a prize from our prize table and return to your seat. We are going to get set for round two so get your next bingo card ready!

That’s nonsense. We need the hall tonight!

Is everything all right over here?

Except for the fact that marabelle double-booked the parish hall for tonight

You what?

I already told her under no conditions would they be allowed-

Wait a minute- did you say the cookie cadets?

Yes. She did.

And you have… many boxes of those famous cadet cookies?

We do

Even the new cinnamon hunny bunnies?

On the house for you

Marbelle, please find a space for the cookie cadets.

What? Where? The hall is packed!

Well I’m not the one who double-booked it!

Mother they’re hijacking bingo night!

Why not have cookie night at bingo night? I dont see any problem

Monsignor Aldo stoffregen. Monsignor Aldo stoffregen!

I’ve got it. Come on Aldo wakes wakey! Let’s go! Wake up!

You killed him!

Are you out of your mind?

We just saw it

He was just sleeping!

You violently flipped him out of his chair!

I did not!

You kind of did

Percy call the paramedics! We’ll just get him…moved off… for some privacy in this moment of distress. Let’s pray. Yes there’s an idea. Brother dearlove would you pray?

What do we do now?

We’ve barely gotten through the night! We’ve only played 2 rounds of bingo!

Just send everyone home!

Send everyone home! No it’s a fundraiser!

Don’t you mean fun-raiser?

We have to make money!

Is that all you think about?

Yes

We can still hear you!

Fine! Listen everyone! That was a scary moment we just witnessed. But I am sure the Monsignor is going to be ok. How about we just take a second to catch our breath okay?

Sisters Helen why is there a video online of me pushing Monsignor?

That’s before I knew mother Culpepper was going to eighty-six him!

Karen please delete that video. It’s going to cause a lot of negative feedback

“Way to go pepper shaker”

No one has called me pepper shaker since high school! Karen delete that video!

It’s evidence!

Of what?

You look like you could use a cookie mother

O thanks reed. I’ve already eaten a whole box. If I have another my collar will burst

Oh what’s one more cookie?

Gluttony is a mortal sin

Now you see it now you don’t!

Oh why not. Thanks Mack!

This yours madre?

Not mine!

I wouldn’t pay you either!

Wee will be sure you’re paid Mack

Where have I heard that before?

Do you accept cookies?

There will be plenty of crumbs left behind

Gentlemen please. This has been a very stressful night.

He always does…

Everyone I have good news and bad news. The good news- Monsignor did not die when he fell from his chair!the bad news-he did die about seven minutes before that. It was determined that Monsignor passed peacefully in thes very chair. Seeing as how Monsignor was in our line of sight all night I doubt there could be anything fishy. He was a 99 year old man after all!

Who you pushed to the ground?

The paramedics said there no signs of blunt force trauma that led to his death. He fell from his chair because he was already dead. He just unfortunately happened to pass at bingo night.

If there was one thing I knew about him, it’s that he loved bingo

There’s no denying that

Mr. Landers, are you near?

I’ll go find him

Oh I understand

No signs of lumpy. Has anyone seen him?

He was returning the wheelchair to the maintaince closet

Did he ever come out

There needs to be an investigation

Things are getting really weird around here fast. No one is permitted to leave. Everyone stay right where you are.

I’m getting out of here

I’m afraid you have to stay!

I’m sure I’m on his list

Sister Helen would you…? Sister Helen??

Darn inflation!

Sister Helen…

Oh don’t play dumb!

Folks I assure you Mr. Blitzman is not tangled up in this web. He’s as fine a parishioner as they get! He would never!

“Clean the scene” eh?

Zippy how did you even get into that closet? We always keep it locked because of the chemicals in there.

..ask Percy every time he needs in the closet

Marabelle you did not have permission to do that.

He volunteers at the parish more than anyone I know!

She’s right folks! Zippy is soon to be baptized into the faith

I’ll make myself useful!

While sister Helen’s choice of words is a bit blunt she’s right. We are stuck here. But we all wanted to be here anyways right? There are cookies and snacks and all of these amazing prizes! So you know what I say? Let’s bingo!

You sure seem pretty quick to move on from the murders mother!

What else would you like to do? Watch the bodies decompose? I’d like to keep our minds off the mayhem

I think I know what you need father.

Thanks mack!

Take the box mother. You deserve it. I have this one.

Are you sure?

Of course

And listen Mack, about your payment, we have every intention of sorting out-

My cookies! My cookies!

Sorry!

Not the cherry chips!

He was trying to take one of us out. Be careful mother we can’t have anything happen to you

Zippy I’m not so sure you ought to be handling Mr. Landers equipment right now it’s bad enough you have a key to the closet where he was found dead

I was just trying to clean up father. I promise.

I wish I could take your word for it.

I was finally starting to believe people could trust me again

I do trust you zippy. It’s just..how do I put this? People are being murdered- so it’s a little tough to trust anyone!

It’s part of the mystique of the magic of ministry

Folks we’ve confirmed a detective is on the way, so let’s take a short break before he gets here. Again, no one is permitted to leave the building, but I’m sure if we just stretch our legs, get some snacks, and use the restrooms that won’t be a problem. Let’s all get back here in 15 minutes for the next round of bingo.

(Act 2 starts)

Ok the detective is still not here , so let’s get this round of bingo going! Our youth minister, reed yackley will be calling the numbers for the next round.

It’s a tie!

A tie? They clearly had it first!

This parish is always cheating us out of what’s due!

You should have been a lot faster to call bingo Mack.

I’d think twice before you drop an extra buck in the basket on Sunday

Alright! Alright! Mr. O’Malley if we honor your bingo would you be willing to have this conversation later?

Aye for now.

Then only for this instance, we will honor your late bingo. You may pick a prize. Mr O’Malley are you finished?

Give me a minute will you?

Please speed it up Mr. O’Malley. Mr O’Malley? Mr. O’Malley? Everyone don’t panic! I’m sure he’s fine!!

Or there are three more about to be started.

Do the cookie cadets know first aid?

Maybe the paramedics is still on the scene!

Oh yes! He might still be with Monsignor stoffregen! Sisters Helen please go check!

We have paid him! Not that it matters now

Where’s zippy? Get the broom

If she learns about the deaths we’re done for!

Oh no! Okay everyone listen up! We neeed your cooperation! Beatrice bolden from KAW news is on her way. She plans on reporting on our bingo fundraiser!

Well we can’t just cover up three murders!

Don’t think of it as covering up within of it as…as… covering our-

What will archbishop Rudolph think? We’d be his first incident!

So when Beatrice bolden shows up just go along with what sister Helen and I say! Please!

What about the detective?

We were told the detective is on his way!

Well do they use molasses as gasoline? What’s taking them so long?

Percy can you follow up with the detective?

It’s pivotal we don’t let Miss Bolden know. If the word gets out we’re doomed.

Give me some assistance fellow. Everyone it’s Beatrice Boden! Miss Bolden! It’s so good to see you!

Good evening, mother how are you?

I’m having the night of my life

Everyone having fun at bingo night? What’s Mr. O’Malley doing on the floor?

? Mr. O’Malley? Oh, I didn’t see him there. Mr. O’Malley is… He is… Mr. O’Malley is… Deep in prayer. He is in the deepest of prayer. Miss Bolden, might suggest that the faces of these lovely parishioners would make a wonderful, heartwarming story for KAW?

Why do they look terrified?

they don’t! I don’t know what you’re talking about!

Especially her she really looks terrified

It’s not terror! It’s an anticipation!

Of what?

Of trying! Trying to win! We still have some great prizes left at the prize table

What are they doing?

They are… They are…

Beatrice, you’ve always been a friend of the church, now we desperately need your help. And you can’t say a word.

We are in crisis mode, Miss Bolden

I have all the local officials in my contacts. Whatever you need you’ve got it. you have my word

Thank you, Miss Bolden. We have a bit of an emergency on our hands. You see, three people have died tonight.

Three?!

Yes. Here. In this room. In front of our eyes.

Oh, this is horrible

But if work gets out about what’s happened, we’re dead!

We’re toast!

Please

As soon as the detective arrives, I’m sure we’ll Have everything sorted out

Everyone, Miss Bolden has graciously agreed to

So much for trusting the media

What was that!

Fear not. They all died instantly, so medical attention would not have mattered.

Detective Quinn, what do you need from us?

Who is calling the numbers when the Monsignor died?

That was sister, Josephine and brother dear love.