CandyLand Lines

you be jill

Jack: I’m going to starve

Jack: I’m going to starve

Jack, be grateful.. We could be eating nothing instead

J: and why do i feel like you’re doing nothing about it!

Jack, please.. just sit down

J: yes, yes i do

Mom, I’m sorry for Jack’s behavior. You know he doesn’t mean that

Mamma: I try my very hardest to be the best mother for you both

That’s it, I will not have that inconsiderate little-

mamma: name calling isn’t necessary

Sorry mom, I am going to go give him a piece of mind though

jack eating nommm

Jack, I have a few kind works for you… what’s that?

J: what’s that?

Don’t play dumb with me, what’s in your mouth?

J: you can’t have any

Do you think I like eating stale bread? Stole being a pig, and give me one

we fight

Aha I got one. Huh, I wonder what makes these things so special? They don’t taste any different from a regular cookie

jack falls

Oh my gosh! I probably should have been more skeptical about where these cookies came from (collapse)

wake up girly pop

what.. where in the world.. JACK (shake jack) Jake wake up right now

J: 5 more minutes

No! No more minutes! We’re not in our bedrooms anymore… We seem to be in a field of some kind

J: we are in a field

Ooh mom is gonna be so worried about us when she finds that we aren’t home!

J: does that tree have a face?

Jack, now is not the time to make idiotic comments! Of course that tree doesn’t have a face.. Oh wait it does

P: oh yes, yes i can talk

Am I really awake right now? Jack pinch me (get punched) OW, Jack I said PINCH not PUNCH

J: did hear you right

Hey Mr. Tree, my misfortune isn’t for your enjoyment

P: make you unlost

Can you just tell us where we are so we can find a way out of here?

P: the tree is edible

Mister, that’s not very nice

P: all if candyland

We have names too yknow! Our names are Jack and Jill. Also, plums aren’t candy, they’re fruit

P: candy of nature

Id love to hear your delusional speech about how healthy fruits are candy, but it’s best if my brother and I find out way out. How do we get out of candyland?

J: everything we need and more

Jack you don’t know that. In addition, everyone we know and love is back home. Our LIVES are back home

J: trees in our boring real world

Jack, plums do grow on trees

P: sorry

Plumpy, it has been nothing but a displeasure meeting you. You are the most rotten, moldy old plum I think that’s ever been picked

P: which is?

Say if we weren’t from the same lands are you, whom would you send us to for guidance

J: they have buffoons in candyland?

Thank you lots Plumpy. Do you know where we can find him?

P: it can be very dangerous

Thank you kindly

J: demolishing all these festive treats!

Something tells me that candy canes don’t necessarily correlate with the holiday spirit, here in Candyland

J: my breath would smell so nice if I lived in this place

Maybe you living in Candyland would actually benefit me a lot. I wouldn’t have to smell your rancid breath

J: i think living in candyland would be amazing

You can’t be serious

J: why not?

There’s no nutritional value in this place! One must have a diet filled with proteins, vegetables, and other healthy stuff. Not all these empty carbs! Plus we’d be away from mom..

J: because there’s plums!

Well unfortunately plus won’t stop diabetes! And how could you even say that about our own mother!? You know if she could, she’d provide us with as much food and comfort as possible! And don’t let that undermine her eternal love toward us!

M: please stop

Do you really think she starves us on purpose?

M: i hate conflict!

Sorry that you had to see that Mr… um excuse me sir, what’s your name?

J: wow, thats incredble

And it’s convenient we bumped into you! My twin brother Jack and I are actually looking for King Kandy himself! Do you think can give us a few pointers on where to go and how to get there?

M: castle by tomorrow night

Tomorrow night?! (laugh awkwardly after mint says funny, then walk off with him)

M: gumdrop mountains

Oooh

M: WHERE IS IT

Mr Mint? What’s wrong?

J: is this map.. very important?

Jack help me look through his stuff, maybe he just missed it!

J: it’s uhhh

Jack is it the map? yes or no?

jack rips up map, minty freaks out

Mr Mint stop! Freaking out won’t solve any problems. Let’s calm down and think. Do you have any recollection on how to get to Gumdrop Pass

M: yes i think i do

(clap) Sweet! Which way do we go?

M: i think that way

Alright (walking) Are you sure we went the same way?

J: hehehehe

(walking) Does this look familiar to you at all?

J: right..

(pause walking) This is.. ominous. I feel like we’re not supposed to be here

M: i see gumdrop pass over there

Yes let’s hurry. This place gives me the heebie jeebies

M: i think we’re nearly there

Wait.. Is this not exactly where we were before? Oh gosh, how long did this set back affect us?

J: oh nooooo

Where even is this trail Mr Mi-

M: its a pass

Ugh, might as well be the same thing

J: passes and trails are completely different

Argh! I’m stuck with a bunch of loons!

M: seems short to me

Why don’t you just say the important stuff, m’kay?

Jo: aha found it

Hurry up!

J: i dont mind wasting more time

Jack

Jo: that is where queen frostine resides

Queen Frostine?

Jo: lord licorice..

Lord Licorice?

Jo: my what an event that was

Wait what happened? You can’t just say that and not explain

J: yeah this dude sounds awesome

No this dude sounds scary. Mr Mint, are you sure we should go to licorice lagoon?

M: faster if we cut through there

I’ll sacrifice time if it’s for our safety

Jo: Jen was it?

Jill

M: the black sugar bridge

(uneasy) I-I don’t know Mr Mint.. Are you sure we should go this way? This place is super eerie.. and ominous

M: the licorice lair

No. no evil person would ever call his house a lair. But if you’re so insistent on crossing this bridge, I suggest we cross it fast

L: why the hurry dear child?

Oh my.. you must be

M: well you see-

( cover mr mints mouth) My apologies lord, but we truly are in a hurry. Perhaps another time, My Mint can explain the situation to you?

L: its possible i could even help you

Thank you for the offer, but we’ll manage. Have a good day (slap forehead after LL though)

L: may i ask whom may be bothering you

Jack don’t

J: yeah

Jack

J: my sister

Jack that is enough. We really must get going now. It was nice meeting you Lord Licorice but we are leaving now. Goodbye (leave after peanut brittle)

L: i’ll await your arrival

(scream) JACK HURRY UP

M: here we are

Wow this place is strangely human, and look at all these peanuts. How many do you think grow here?

J: like.. three

More like 3 thousand, but I don’t think you ever learned how to count

J: nuh uh

Alright, then how about you count to 30

J: a..b… c

Wow the Great Depression did a great number on your learning ability huh

J: i blame mom

(smug) Of course you do

M: just like yourselves

Wow a human just like us! Maybe she has some insight on how to leave this place

J: candyland is an escape from that

Pfft, yeah okay

G: my garden

That’s a funny way of saying you raised them

G: whats so funny?

Oh you’re serious

M: right away gramma

(sit on floor) So you seemed to be getting well with Lord Licorice

J: mhm

Do you really trust him? I mean come on..

J: stop being a sheep you.. you.. sheep

Whatever Jack, at least we won’t bump into him again

J: it’s nighttime

Thanks for pointing out the obvious genius

J: fighting for my life on the toilet

Alright, it’s dinner time. Stop being impolite

G: one time when i went to the bathroom-

No offense, but I’d rather not hear about it

G: come get your dinner

So Gramma nutt, I’ve been meaning to ask you. Mr Mint said to me earlier that you were a human. Is that true?

G: I’m a human

Well, many people in Candyland look like humans. So forgive me for asking

G: why are you asking?

I wanted to know how you got to this place

G: little nutty..

…okay?

G: lying right next to my face

Hey, similar story! There was a plate of-

G: im not done

Gosh, sorry

G: when i woke up, i was here

Then what?

G: i stopped here

Why here?

G: threw up all over the place

Ew..

G: better and tastier

Wow! Good for you.. I guess?

G: little nutty

Now I understand why you wanted to be called Little Nutty in the beginning

G: happened to be coincidence

Oh… Gramma Nutt, have you ever tried to leave candyland

G: any better for me

Oh.. Gramma Nutt, that’s really disheartening. I’m sorry

G: similar reason

No! Well yes? I may not have all my needs being met at home. but I have a mother who loves me so much. I need to get back to her. I can’t stay here.. Mr Mint, we need to go now! Thinking about my mother worrying about me is making me feel sick. Where is Jack?

M: bathroom

There’s no way he’s still going. something isn’t right. I’m gonna go check on him

searchin

(panic) Jack? Jack open this door right now! There is no way you’ve been pooping for half an hour

G: whats with all the racket

It’s my brother

G: since the last scene

My brother isn’t answering the door and I’m tarting to become worried