“Its Only a Play” Lines 🎭

Or is it wind

How do you like it so far

This room Is off limits

I just need a quick word with Ms Budder. And talk about killing two birds with one stone.

I beg your pardon

I gave you a wonderful review once

You did?

That little Lorca play at the theatre de lys before it was the lortel.

No that was Gordon Small

Gordon Small of course wonderful actor I know Wendy Wasserstein’s Uncommon Women

That’s an all female cast

You’re right but you never know these days! I’m just having some fun with you. I know who you are “James Wacker is a consummate actor. His guilt ridden veterinarian is a masterclass of thespianiam” I never forget what I write about an actor.

Wicker

Hmm

James Wicker

I know that!

You said Wacker

No! Wacker that’s terrible Wacker. You could have a lot of fun with that. Wacker. You say Wicker and I say Wacker Wicker Wacker Wicker Wacker let’s call the whole thing off!

And you are?

I’m sorry. Ira Drew

The Ira Drew

There’s another. You know what they say about actors and free food. Critics are worse.

Wasn’t the play tonight wonderful

You can’t stop right now Mr Wicker. I’m a critic of the old school. I don’t know what I’m going to write about a play until I sit down to write it. I can’t be had for one of Ms budders pastry puffs as tasty as they may be. I’m still processing what I saw tonight and I have to keep an open mind. They put me behind Chris Christie I could hardly see. I admit I have an agenda. There’s too many revivals and not enough Brecht. Celebrity wattage does not impress. A play should have a beginning middle and end. Plots are important too along with interesting characters. Attractive actors with trained voices are always welcome. In the right context full frontal nudity has its place. I’d love to see Cate Blanchett Starkers. That’s about it.

It was a simple questions

Thanks to the anti Christ Bill gates I’ll soon be a critic without a place to publish. Serious theater criticism is becoming an endangered species. People read us to find out what they thought about a play now they have opinions or their own and put them on the internet. What we are witnessing is a collapse of western civilization.

I certainly hope not

I call them as I see them. The League of Producers barred me from their press list after my review of the revival of the revival of the revival of Les Miz. I was ousted from the critics circle. They said I was too vicious even for that den of sadists and inverts.

You were always very good to me

You were wonderful. There was no actor of your generation with more promise. Whatever happened to you

A little invention called television

Ah that would explain it

I’m sorry Mr Drew

I’ll come right to the point

I’ll be downstairs

No stay this concerns you too Mr Wicker. Ms budder has been sent a new play to consider. A certain Bluestocking.

I was just leafing through it

Bluestocking is the best American play I have come across in a long time. It has humor depth wit wisdom love valor compassion one set and a cast of two. The chief theatre critic for the New York Times Ben Brantley told me on the QT that he loves it.

Sounds like a producers dream Mr Drew

It is Ms Budder

Next thing you’ll be telling us you wrote it.

Caroline Comstock wrote Bluestocking. Caroline is only my protégée. Nothing more nothing less. I’m merely Svengali to her Trilby. Pygmalion to her Galatea.

Why are you telling us this?

We need new faces in the theatre. New voices. Caroline’s day as a writer is coming. Ms Budder yours as a producer can come with her.

Sure thing sugar

Can he be trusted

He’s bonded if that means anything

No one must know of this meeting. It is highly unethical. A critic giving a commercial producer an exclusive leak. It would compromise the three of us.

What did I do?

Bluestocking was written for you Mr Wicker.

Two minutes ago you were wondering what happened to me

Wait till I tell Miss Comstock I’ve found you. I place my reputation as an ethical journalist in your hands. Thank you for your consideration Ms Budder.

I’m always looking for the right vehicle

You’re holding it

It sounds like a brawl

Leave me alone!

Opening night party

Is there a bathroom in here?

Are you all right

Of course I’m not alright. In here you say

Torch! Noooooo

I suppose that’s your dog

Murderer murderer

I didn’t shoot him

Easy Julia

He’s perfectly all right

Darling torch!

Darling? It’s the last remaining hound of the Baskervilles

Is that thing real

It’s loaded with blanks. I had to start carrying one after my review of Julie Andrews

May I

However I liked your performance ms noyes. Real star quality. It’s what our theatre needs. I liked your work too sir finger

It’s sir Frank

But then I always do

What happened to you down there

The plate of lasagna was patty lupone the split lip was the president of the dramatist guild

He took a swing at you

She took several swings at me. Next thing I knew I was on the floor and Alec Baldwin was kicking me

I hope this won’t effect your review of Peter’s play

Critics can’t afford to hold petty grudges. Besides waiting for Ben Brantley and the New York Times is what tonight is all about. Who cares what a non entity like me thinks

Most viscous critic in New York

Throw that in my face

Female to impersonate

I said that about the baby June in the cape May playhouse production of Gypsy years ago. It’s curious you should remember it

I was the baby June in the cape May playhouse Production of Gypsy

You changed your name?

Hi I’m Peter Austin

I haven’t written my review yet

Your entitled to your opinion of them

Fair enough

Smother me in the crib

I’m very glad they didn’t. I love the theater it’s what people are doing to it I can’t stand

It’s not on purpose Mr Drew

It’s Ira please

See you two getting along

It’s the funniest thing. I like you personally

We all do

It’s just your work I can’t stand

Drama is my business

You could have fooled me