Play Audition

Scene 1

FAN 1: Wow! Madame Doyle's Museum for Crime and Justice AKA the Murder Mansion! I can't believe I'm finally here!

You've really never been to the Murder Mansion before?! How is that possible?! I thought you said you were a true-crime superfan?

Fan 1: Is it true that Madame Doyle herself will be here tonight?

Not only will she be here, but according to several threads on Reddit, she's also bringing in several mystery guests for this year's Murder and Crime Gala!

Fan 3: Eleven! Wonderful! I see now why tickets were so expensive this year!

I had to sell my condo just to come here tonight! But eleven special guests! That makes the whole thing worth it!

VELMA: Oh, jinkies. Hi I'm Velma. Thanks for having us. And just so you know, I'm actually studying to go to law school. So if any of you know of any internships at prestigious schools, please tell me. I don't want to live in a van forever! I'm too smart for that!

And I'm Daphne!

MADAME DOYLE: Wonderful and... (Noticing SHAGGY:) Are you also... with the group? Or did you get lost?

Oh, sure! He's with us! That's Shaggy!

SHAGGY: Yeah, like...thanks so much for having us here, man! It's totally groovy! Don't you think Scoob? (Talking as Scooby, which is a stuffed animal:) Rah! It's roooovy! Hehehehe.

Shaggy, we told you not to bring the stuffed dog.

MADAME DOYLE: Which brings us now to this evening's main event! Tonight, we've concocted a game for our detectives. One that will involve twists, turns, and yes...even a bit of....of…

Oh my goodness! It looks as if Madame Doyle has been poisoned!

ALL THE FANS: Who do you think it was? / Is "forensics" coming? / Do you think this would make a good documentary? / Etc.

All right everyone! One at a time, please! One at a time!

DETECTIVE KANE: SETTLE! SETTLE! SETTLE! OR I WILL PUSH THE REST OF YOU OFF A BALCONY MYSELF! WE NEED SILENCE!

Whoa, Detective Kane. What's going on with you?

DETECTIVE KANE: They weren't respecting us! They're just talking and gabbing as if we weren't even here! And we are here! We're detectives! Just as much as any of the Batmans and the Scooby-Doos or whatever! We're...like...really good detectives!

Yes, I know, but, let's just take it down a notch, yeah? (To the crowd:) I know a lot of you are scared and confused. But rest assured that we will figure out who killed Madame Doyle. So sit tight while we interview our suspects, okay?

DETECTIVE KANE: Yeah, and what do you think we are? Dumb-dumbs off the dumb-dumb street?! Cause we're not! We're from the smart street! Smart! Ya hear me? Right off Route 10!

Okay, okay. Kane, can you just cool it. Seriously, try to be a little professional. (To the crowd:) Look we can't ask any of the detectives here to solve the case because. well...it appears as if they're all suspects.

All THE FANS: Wow! Suspects! / Plot twist! / Oh, I can't believe it!

Yes, that seems to be the case. Since none of the detectives' whereabouts during that time of Madame Doyle's murder can be accounted for, it's likely one of them.

SCENE 3 START

Sorry for the wait, Mr. Holmes. It's been a long day. Anyway, I'm—

SHERLOCK HOLMES: Detective Christie, of the Riverton Police Department. How do you do?

Right. Yeah. So I hear you're like a..."master of deduction"? Apparently you can meet someone and within minutes know everything about them. Is that true?

SHERLOCK HOLMES: Well not everything, no. But I do have a keen eye for observation.

Huh. That's a fun trick. So, uh...what can you tell me about me?

SHERLOCK HOLMES: You're a mid-career detective. And given the state of your untucked shirt and the scuff marks on your shoes, I'd say you've given up on any hope for advancement. You've been resigned to this for some time.... I'd say ever since your thirty-fifth birthday? That was the day your brother in-law, who makes a lot more money than you do, gave you that watch. It was meant as a gift, but every day you look at it, it reminds you of the life you'll never have. The strata of society you'll never enter. And it haunts you, drags you down like an anchor every morning when you put it on. But for some reason, you can't bear to not wear it. Because it is, after all, a Rolex.

Wow. Uh... that's spooky. And hurtful. Very hurtful. Although it was my thirty-sixth birthday. Not my thirty-fifth. And I wouldn't say it's the only reason I've settled as a mid-career detective in a small town.

SHERLOCK HOLMES: No, no, no. It's far from the only reason. The main reason, I'd say, is that you're going through a contentious divorce from your husband (or wife, or partner). One that has been going on for...six months now?

Who told you about my separation? My husband and I..we haven't told anyone!

The irritation around your ring finger suggests you've been taking it off and on frequently. Furthermore, the bags under your eyes, the grease in your hair, and the Cheeto dust under your fingernails are all signs of a person who's been sleeping in an unfamiliar and sad bed. Likely the Stanlee Motel near the police station. It's there that you stay up late, eating your feelings in highly-processed food, asking yourself, "How did it all go so wrong? How am I forty years old, living alone in a motel, watching re-runs of Paw Patrol until four in the morning! Why do I do it? Why?!"

Because those dogs know how to fight crime! Chase is the police officer I wish I could be! Even though he's a dog, he's better than me! Even on my best day! He's better... he's... So much better.

(DETECTIVE CHRISTIE breaks down, sobbing in their chair. SHERLOCK HOLMES remains nonplussed. He's seen this a million times.)

(DETECTIVE KANE barges in.)

DETECTIVE KANE: Whoa, Christie, you okay?

Get out of here! Or Sherlock Holmes will see into your soul! He knows me better than I know myself! He's a witch.

DETECTIVE KANE: I do? Pop-pop? No... Do I? Mommy? ...No.... Wait... Oh, god! I have to call my mom. I always send her to voicemail when she calls, she must be furious! Mommy!

(DETECTIVE KANE runs out.)

If you can know all that about me and my partner, Mr. Holmes, then tell me, who did it? You must have an idea!

(SHERLOCK HOLMES looks out into the audience.)

SHERLOCK HOLMES: Indeed I do. More than idea, in fact. Because I know for certain that the culprit is...Miss Marple.

Really? The old lady who knits?

SHERLOCK HOLMES: Indeed, Detective Christie. For we as a society overlook the old and frail. And she knows this. Which is why she has used it to her advantage as an amateur detective. And now, she's using it to commit murder! Observe. I witnessed Miss Marple just this evening talking to Madame Doyle, moments before she entered the ballroom. And everything about their interaction piqued my interest...

My dear. Would you mind taking a sip of this and telling me if it tastes right? I'm worried the grapes have turned.

MADAME DOYLE: Nonsense! We have our very own vineyard here at the Doyle Estate and it is quite renowned. Let me have a sip.

(She lakes a sip. And MISS MARPLE pushes the glass back.)

Do get a good taste. I really want you to be sure. I'm so old, I'm afraid my tongue doesn't work.

SHERLOCK HOLMES: Furthermore, not one eyewitness could account for Miss Marple's whereabouts during the stabbing, nor at the balcony-pushing. It's as if she blended into the background. A perfect perch from which to orchestrate not one, but three attempts at murder.

(DETECTIVE CHRISTIE thinks.)

Well, you certainly got my number. Okay, Mr. Holmes. My partner is interviewing Miss Marple now. And if she's the killer, I bet they'll get a confession in no time!

SCENE 5

So I want to give you all a chance now to cooperate. Because remember, the earlier you confess, the more leniency you'll likely get. But you have to admit to everything you know! And you have to do it now! Now!

SHAGGY: Oh, geez.

Shh! Quiet, you weakling!

VELMA: Shh! Quiet, you weakling!

We know what you did, Shaggy. We have an eyewitness who saw the whole thing!

SHAGGY: An eyewitness! That sounds bad, man!

Shaggy! Keep it together!

VELMA: Shaggy! Keep it together!

We're gonna put you away, with or without your help. The only question is, which one of you will crack first.

DETECTIVE CHRISTIE: We're gonna put you away, with or without your help. The only question is, which one of you will crack first.

None of us. As we stated earlier. None of us has done anything wrong. And the Mystery Crew is a united front. We're a team. And we'd never-

SHAGGY: Okay, man. I did it! Scoobs and I did the deed, so just let my friends go! Zoinks!

Shaggy! No! / What are you doing! / You're so weak!

DAPHNE, FRED, VELMA: Shaggy! No! / What are you doing! / You're so weak!

No, no son. It's alright. Just tell me what happened. All of it.

SHAGGY: I didn't realize those biscuits were covered in, like, expensive caviar! And Scoob ate them all. All of them. Heavy, man.

That caviar he ate was valued at hundreds of thousands of dollars per box. And Shaggy just ate it. He ate it all.

SHAGGY: Hey, it wasn't me. It was Scoob, remember!

Scoob is not real, Shaggy! It's just a stuffed animal!

SHAGGY: Scoob is more real than any of you here! (As Scooby:) Scooby-Dooby-Doo! And I think your glasses make your face look square!

That’s it!

VELMA: That’s it!

Okay. Okay! Settle down. But then what happened? When did you poison Madame Doyle?

FRED: Poison?

Yeah. And stab her. And throw her off a roof. Who did what? Poisoning takes more planning so | imagine Velma, that was likely you. And Shaggy, you're clearly deranged so I bet you did the stabbing. But who threw her off the balcony? Daphne? Fred? Both?

SHAGGY: No man, like, you got it all wrong! All I did was watch Scoob eat the fancy crackers!

We're not murderers! We've never even solved a murder! All our cases are cranky old men who dress up as monsters.

SHAGGY: Yeah. A murder is like...too far out, man!

(DETECTIVE CHRISTIE paces around, frustrated.)

Well if it wasn't you, then who was it?!?

FRED: Oh! I know who could've done it!

Are you thinking about The Case of the Haunted Merry-Go-Round that Wasn't So Merry?

FRED: You know I am, Daph!

Wait. Are you sure you two should be...sharing theories? That's not really your strong suit. You two are better at...uh...well you're better at...

FRED: At what? We're part of this group too, Velma! I'm more than just a preppy college kid who wears an handkerchief in my collared shirt for no reason! I'm a vital part of this team!

And I'm more than just a pretty redhead who's always wearing a purple skirt, even when it's snowing! I have ideas! And...and feelings! And other stuff!

FRED: Oooh, Daph. Think we should do a monologue about our feelings?

Great idea! You do a monologue, I'll do an interpretive dance! And then we'll solve the case.

(A spotlight appears on the them. FRED starts monologuing while DAPHNE dances.)

FRED: It was a cold winter morning. But my hair still looked great. And-

No! Stop. This is...hard to watch. The one with the glasses was right. I'm not sure talking is your strong suit. Why don't you just continue to stand there and look pretty, while the rest of us talk, okay?

So if you didn't kill Madame Doyle, then who did? Any ideas?

SHAGGY: Oh! What about Batman? Like, he totally wears a mask! And in every case we solve, the secret villain is always wearing a mask!

Yeah! / Batman! / It's always a mask!

EVERYONE: Yeah! / Batman! / It's always a mask!

Are you really detectives? Or did you just drop of out college to live in your van?