Freaky Friday: Ellie lines

All of Ellie's lines from Freaky Friday: The Musical.

[START OF PROLOGUE]

So you’re never going to believe me. No one in their right mind could ever possibly believe me. But what I’m about to tell you is true. One-hundred-percent true. Everything started the day before my mom got married.

Honey…!

The day that I had— I’m talking mind-bending. Bananas.

Ellie. Ellie. Ellie!

What?!

Hi, sweetie.

This is my mother.

Hi there! You look adorable. See, she made an effort. She looks nice. You could do that.

I’m in the middle of a story.

I know. I’m being supportive.

Could you do that somewhere else?

What if you started by introducing the family—

I’m getting there! It’s my story!

She used to be so sweet.

Mom.

Fine, I’m going.

Good. So it was the second Friday in April, and every morning is pretty chaotic in our house, but this was even more crazy than— Mom, what are you doing?!?

I want to be able to see your pretty face. She hides her face!

Mom! That morning…she was really up in my grill.

KICK-ASS DAY…

Mom, can I ask you something—

Torrey! Focus! The fish! Oh, Ellie, didn’t you wear that yesterday? It hasn’t been improved by time. I wish you’d change. Please change!

Ugh.

AND WE’LL HAVE ONE HAPPY, LOVING FAM’LY DAY

Fletcher, that is mine! Dad gave it to me!

Fletcher, give it back.

Mom, there’s a thing tonight that basically—

“Angry Bob wants to hold the hourglass!”

Angry Bob can shut it. Weirdo.

And coffee for the bride. Morning, Ellie.

Uh-huh.

“This guy’s toast is gonna kill, and then it’s straight to Hollywood!”

Mom, seriously, I need to ask you something important—

“Moooom, seriously, I need to ask you something important!”

Mother! Fletcher is puppeting me again!

She’s not going to have anything I like.

Hannah! Gretchen! We can leave in one sec.

Ask me what?

There’s a thing tonight…

You’re Swedish. Everything is okay.

Okay, really fast: Tonight is the Hunt. It’s an epic scavenger hunt. Every year there’s a new list of impossible things to do and crazy things to find, and every year there’s a new Listmaster. This year, the Listmaster…is Adam. The Hunt has been happening at my high school forever. It’s the mother of all scavenger hunts. It’s so much fun. And— I really want to win. There’s just one issue…

FOR ONE FUN AND PERFECT DAY!

Mom. Mom. Mom!

CRAZY DAY!

So… you’ll think about it?

I’m sorry, the answer is no.

Shut up.

Don’t tell your brother to shut up!

You suck, Fletcher.

Ellie.

Go to class without me, I’m going to stay and convince her. Bam! We’ll do the Hunt. Mom. Mom.

Torrey, these pears aren’t even close to ripe—

Mom, forget the stupid pears for one second!

Ell— Maybe give your mom a break—

Could you stop pretending that you’re my dad? Because you’re not.

It’s okay. I get it. Everyone in the family is a little on edge this morning—

“The family”? I see a lady, her boyfriend, and a weirdo! With a puppet for a friend.

Yes!

I hate you.

Excuse me?

I hate you.

ONE DAY…

Ellie, you are acting like a child!

Oh really, Mom? I’m a child—?

What the— This is not funny! AHHHHHH!

You have my face! You have my face and my body! And you just broke my hourglass. What…is…happening?!?

Honey…?

You keep away from me, you weird clone!

Ellie. Ellie. Ellie! It’s me. It’s mom! I’m mom.

You are not my mom!

I’m mom.

Shut up!

Ellie, you are not to tell me to shut up!

Oh my god, you are my mom. How did you get in my body?

How did you get in mine?

I’m in yours? No way! This suuuuuuuuucks!

I don’t understand this.

It’s a super-bad dream. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Whoa. I pull it and it just stays there.

Stop that!

Mom, maybe we’re tripping. Someone slipped us a drug. Fletcher!

Your brother did not drug us!

But we’re sick. I’m calling 9-1-1.

Wait, no! Stop. If we go to the hospital right now and say we switched bodies, we’d be locked in the psych ward and medicated until someone wrote a book about us. No hospitals. No doctors. No way. We have to figure this out on our own.

If we’re not going to the hospital, what are we going to do? I’m freaking out!

Ellie, listen to me. We are going to solve this. We are not going to freak out. Okay?

Okay.

Okay, the wedding is tomorrow— Is that really necessary?

Yes! This is the worst day of my life. You are the worst thing that has ever happened to me!

Young lady, watch your tone!

You don’t like it? It’s your tone! “Be more positive.” “Get your hair out of your face.” “Put down that hourglass.”

The hourglass.

Oh my god. We totally broke a magic hourglass.

Honey, I highly doubt that we were holding a magic hourglass. It’s magic! This is a mess.

Mom! There were two! Dad gave us those hourglasses! One for you, one for me! All we have to do is go get yours and we can switch back! Where’d you put it? What?

I don’t have it.

What do you mean, you don’t have it?

I sold it.

You sold it? When?

A week or two ago.

But…it was from Dad. Daddy gave them to us. You want to forget everything about him.

No. We needed the money.

What?

Things have been tight financially. I sold it at an antique store in Wicker Park…Secondhand Mose. The store opens at one. We can go buy the hourglass and switch back. We just have to get through this morning—

Katherine, I know you wanted to show them your first concept sketches—

Did you see the backyard? Torrey, show them the yard! Just go. Just go.

Yeah, do that. The backyard is awesome.

Ellie. That’s Weddings Magazine. I need this story. We’re talking a cover story that will make or break my business. Until we figure out how to switch back, I need you to be me. I know it’s hard, but I can help you.

But…I have school.

You can miss school today.

I actually…um…no, I can’t.

Why?

If I have one more unexcused absence I’ll fail eleventh grade.

Fail? When were you going tell me this?!?

At the mandatory parent-teacher conference today.

How can you be so irresponsible?!

I don’t know. I guess you’ll find out at the conference!

Okay. Okay. We need a plan before we go get the hourglass. You have to stay here for the interview, which means I’ll go to your school.

There is no way in hell you can handle a day at my school.

Ellie, please…

You don’t know how to talk! You don’t know how to act! You’re going to be weird and people will think I’m weird and it will last forever.

I’m not listening, because you are being ridiculous. You listen to me. There is going to be an interview. It is essential that you be polite and charming.

Right. Because that’s so you.

And not snarky! And do not be mean to Mike.

Oh my god, this is so lame.

No carbs! Don’t even think about it! Focus!

On what? One, get interviewed. Two, get my picture taken. What a rough life.

Honey, being a working parent is, in fact, extremely difficult. Comparatively, your life is simple.

Uhh…my life is complicated! And tiring! And hard!

You go to school. You come home. Easy.

LIKE IT’S MY JOB.

Good. You can see what it means to have a job. I’ll go to school.

Stop! Not wearing that. Mom. Swear to me that you will keep your head down. Don’t look at anyone, don’t talk to anyone, and don’t embarrass me!

I know it’s hard to believe, honey, but I attended high school and I did just fine.

I GOT THIS!

Good morning. Good morning.

Hey Gretchen. Hannah. Parker, Wells. Hey Ellie…Ellie?

Good morning.

What sandwich did you bring today?

Oh, I made— My mom made ham, chutney, and shallots on a brioche. Do you…want it?

You know it. Amazing. Catch you later.

I give him my lunch every day?

Like you’re feeding a unicorn.

Hannah. I don’t “like” him. Do I?

Ellie Blake.

Yes?

I heard something funny, Ellie Blake. I heard someone say that you said that you thought you could win the Hunt this year.

Savannah. It’s obvious you’re at the top of the social hierarchy here. Kudos. But there’s been a misunderstanding—

Ellie Blake. Where are you supposed to be right now?

I don’t know.

Miss Blake. What a treat! What a wondrous occasion to have you in biology today!

You know, they did a study on sarcasm in the classroom and it’s actually the least effective way to communicate.

So…what did your mom say about the Hunt?

My mom? Oh, she said no. I can’t do the Hunt.

How can you drop out!?!

My mother is under real pressure today. I need to be there for her.

You said that all she cares about is the wedding.

I said that?

De nada. Hey. ‘Sup.

What?

What.

Did you just say hay-sup?

I said ‘sup.

Oh. ‘Sup.

I like your hair.

You do?

Yeah, I can see your face.

Thank you!

I remember last month, just looking at the starfish made you sick. Do you need a bucket?

You know, Savannah, today I feel pretty comfortable with a knife.

Whoa. Sorry.

Um. That’s okay!

AND HORMONES HAVE THEIR WAY

Focus, Blake, focus.

Later.

‘Sup.

I think you might have sat on some gum.

Great. What is that? What is that! What do you see right there??

A tattoo of…I think it’s a dandelion? Cute.

Why? Why would I do this? I have a tattoo…on my underage backside.

Yeah. No. I just know you by reputation. He's the school counselor.

Yes, I know. I go here.

She never tested well.

Because I don’t study.

I think she’s a pretty great kid!

I could do better.

She’s been absent from my class seventeen times this year.

What?!

What?!

No she hasn’t. Have I?

Ellie, how do you feel about what Señor O’Brien just said?

Shocked. And angry. Angry at myself.

Mrs. Blake, if Ellie continues to treat her classes like a Las Vegas buffet, she may not graduate from this school.

Great. That’s just great.

Sometimes I like to role-play. Ellie, you pretend to be your mother. Katherine, you be Ellie. Let’s talk.

No.

I’M ALL UP IN HER GRILL

It’s called parenting.

Soy cheese?

This is asinine.