I and you play (lines)

Anthony:"I and this mystery here we stand"

Caroline:WhoaWhoaWhoa, what the hell! WHAT DO YOU WANT?

Anthony:Wait! Sorry! I'm sorry!

Caroline: (overlapping)WHO ARE YOU? WHAT IS THIS? WHAT?

Anthony: I'm sorry. Hi

Caroline: What. Is going. On

Anthony: Ok. So. " and this mystery. Here we stand”

Caroline: Here we stand. In my room. Why?

Anthony: Uh- No- See. It's Whitman

Caroline: Who's Whitman?

Anthony: The quotes from Walt Whitman. From Leaves of Grass.

Caroline:Leaves of what? Why you are saying that in my room? Who are you?

Anthony: I'm Anthony-sorry- Hello, I'm Anthony.

Caroline: Who's Anthony? (calling:) MOM. (To him:) Who's Anthony?

Anthony: Anthony from school, Jesus.

Caroline: Why are you here? Are you like a bad guy or like a delivery guy or like— what kind of guy are you?

Anthony: I'm just a guy that has our project.

Caroline: A project? A project? (Calling to Mom:) MOM, I'M SERIOUS COME HERE NOW.

Anthony: Your mom just gave me cookies! I just met your mom - at the door - which she opened - for me - because I'm Anthony from school. And she gave me cookies, and she said you were in your room, and she said I should just come up.

Caroline: Just come up? Just come right up?THIS IS NOT YOUR ROOM, MOM. And those are not your cookies, guy.

Anthony: OK, look. I'm sorry if this is weird, but she pointed upstairs - I came upstairs because she pointed, and we have work to do so -

Caroline: Is this a trick? Is this a joke?

Anthony: No. What? No. I'm here so we can work.

Caroline: WHAT WORK? I DON'T WORK

Anthony: We have that project we're supposed to do-the American Lit project-for American Lit.

Caroline: Miss Branson sent you?

Anthony: Yes, Miss Branson, she said she emailed you.

Caroline: Who checks email anymore?

Anthony: OhMyGod.

Caroline: There are like forty cooler ways to communicate.

Anthony: Not for Miss Branson.

Caroline: Look, pushy. I wasn't expecting you, you were not expected, and I don't understand or approve of this invasion so you're going to explain this to me before I...

Anthony: What.

Caroline: Pummel...you.

Anthony: I don't think you're going to pummel me.

Caroline: I have pummeled before.

Anthony: I'm like twice your size.

Caroline: Small but mighty. Like a dachshund.

Anthony: A what?

Caroline: They bite. Your heels.

Anthony: Ok. Great. See. I just came here for homework - which I don't want to do either —but I have to and so do you and here's my shitty posterboard which should prove: one) that this is not a joke, and two how much I need your help.

Caroline: That is super shitty.

Anthony: ThankYouHelpMe.

Caroline: Why would I help you? In what planet in what universe would I help with a school project when I'm not, in fact, in school right now. Like at all.

Anthony: I know that, but -

Caroline: 'Cause I'm kinda sick. Like everyone knows I'm sick and everyone is freaked out about it and no one comes here and brings — what is that?

Anthony: Waffle fries.

Caroline: And brings waffle fries and bad posters to my house - So why are you bringing poems and fries and posters to me, in my room, in my house-why are you doing anything in my room, in my house right now, guyldon'tknow whatthehell.

Anthony: Ok. I'm Anthony. Which I might have mentioned. And I have our assignment for American Lit, which she was supposed to email you about. And I didn't hear back from her or from you, so finally, like an idiot, I just came over, in person, which people still do. So please, please, can you calm down, pitch in, or at least sign the poster so it looks like we worked together.

Caroline: I'm not signing that piece of crap.

Anthony: Then I'm not leaving.

Caroline: Then I'm having some of your fries.

Anthony: Accepted.

Caroline: Well. Accepted. Back.

(Pause.)

Also why did you say that weird "mystery" thing when you came in?

Anthony: Making an entrance, I don't know, girls are supposed to like poems.

Caroline: Like lovey poems, duh. P.S. That poster is tragic, did you pass preschool? P.P.S. I'm not doing your project.

Anthony: You don't have to do anything except like - not kick me out right away. Can we try that?

Caroline: I mean. We can try. Gimme fry.

(He offers her the fries. She eyes him.He makes a point of eyeing her back. She offers him a cookie. They eat. He looks at her.)

What.

Anthony: Nothing.

Caroline: You're looking at me.

Anthony: There's no one else to look at.

Caroline: Well don't hover in the corner like a weirdo, you can come in. Just… Come in. (She starts to make herself look more presentable.) It's a mess or — it's always a mess - whatever. Don't look at me.

Anthony: Ok. Nice… turtle.

Caroline: Don't bring turtle in to this.

Anthony: ComeOn, would you give me a chance here. Why do you assume that you don't like me?

Caroline: Why do you assume you're so likeable?

Anthony: Wow, you are impossible.

Caroline: True.

Anthony: Why?

Caroline: What?

Anthony: Why are you impossible?

Caroline: It makes a shitty life a lot more fun.

Anthony: Ok

Caroline: "Ok?" That my life's super shitty?

Anthony: That not what I meant. It sucks. I get that it sucks. I'm just saying that I'm not scared of it. You're upset, you push. I get it -I'm saying that I get it.

Caroline: I really doubt that you get it. And I'm not "upset," I'm sick.

Anthony: I'm just saying that I understand why you push people.

Caroline: How could you understand, you just got here, you don’t understand, and I don’t “push people” and you should go.

Anthony: I'm sorry, come on - No- I was trying to say that I see where you're coming from and - Fine. I don't care. I just don't want to get an F just because I couldn't convince you that Walt Whitman is amazing, which like most of humanity agrees on. Now can you please, please just sign the poster? I promise it's a good poem.

Caroline: Uh huh.

Anthony:It is. Don't hate the poem, it's a good poem, a great poem, a really long old great poem.

Caroline: You're making it worse.

Anthony: Please just go with me on this. You don't have to be nice to me, but be nice to Walt Whitman.

Caroline: Wait. Oh god. Ohhhh god. Did my mother set this up? Did she do this? She would totally do this-make up some stupid thing to make me feel involved. I have a life, ok. I text. A lot.

Anthony:I promise I just want an A on this project.

Caroline: Then fix your poster!

Anthony: That was going to be your job!

Caroline: Oh yeah, well, if this is a scheme to make me feel included, (Yelling to her mother:) it's not working.

Anthony: Whoawhoawhoa, dachshund. There is no scheme. There is a guy with a snack. I am that guy and this is that snack and there is an email and you should check it and maybe find some super clear information and maybe-just maybe-though it seems you really. like the high-stakes perspective-try to de-freak yourself out.

Caroline: I don't care if there's an email, if there is an email it's gonna be about a book I don't want to read, and the only good thing about this bullshit is that I don't have to read anything I don't want to.

Anthony: Well I do, and I have school in the morning, and I'm youy you're sick, and I'm sorry you're impossible, but you can take have small dog rage and put in on Youtube because i don't actually have time for this -OhMyGodGirlsAreAwful.

Caroline: Girls are pretty awful.

(Pause.)

Also you're in my room so we should be friends. Facebook. Check it.

Anthony: When in the five minutes that I have been here have you had time to friend me on Facebook?

Caroline: I haven't friended you, Forgot YourNameAlready.

Anthony: Anthony.

Caroline: Anthony. You have to friend me. Friend me Friend me Friend me.

Anthony: I will friend you when I'm not in the room trying desperately to be friends with you.

Caroline:Ugh - are you kidding me?

Anthony: What's that?

Caroline: Fire thing.

Anthony: Smoke detector?

Caroline: YesYes all day. My dad's out and my mom doesn't know where any of the two things you need to change the batteries are.

Anthony: Oh. Do you want me to help? Or something. Or whatever.

Caroline: Uh. Yeah. Thanks

Anthony: Sure. So I'm staying. For a minute.

Caroline: Yes, god, that beeping is becoming-like-part of my spine. Stay. Fix it. Please.

Anthony: I fix stuff like this all the time at my house so it's not a big deal. My dad is real smart and everything- like professor smart, he teaches at the university, so he knows nothing that helps change a battery.

Caroline: Well you're a handy intruder, aren't cha.