**Catullus 67 - The Door's rumour

O dulci iucunda virgo, iucunda parenti,

salve, teque bona Iuppiter auctet ope,

ianua, quam Balbo dicunt servisse benigne

olim, cum sedes ipse senex tenuit,

O door, delightful to a charming husband, delightful to a father,

Hello, and may Jupiter bless you with good fortune,

Door which they say served Balbus well

Once, when he himself held the house as an old man,

quamque ferunt rursus gnato servisse maligne,

postquam es porrecto facta marita sene.

dic agedum nobis, quare mutata feraris

 in dominum veterem deseruisse fidem.

And which on the other hand, they say, served grudgingly

After you became wedded, when the old man had been laid out in death.

Come, tell us why you are said to have changed

And forsaken your trust in the old master.

“Non (ita Caecilio placeam, cui tradita nunc sum)

culpa mea est, quamquam dicitur esse mea,

nec peccatum a me quisquam pote dicere quicquam:

verum istius populi ianua qui te facit,

(Thus may I please Caecilius, to whom I now have been handed over):

It is not my fault, though it is said to be mine,

And nobody can speak of any offence of mine;

It is truly the judgement of the people that the door causes you (to act).

qui quacumque aliquid reperitur non bene factum

ad me omnes clamant: ianua, culpa tua est.”

Non istuc satis est uno te dicere verbo.

sed facere ut quivis sentiat et videat.

*Who, wherever it is discovered that something has not been done in a moral manner,*

*All shout at me, “Door, it’s your fault”!*

*But it is not enough for you to say with words alone,*

*Instead you must act for anyone to understand and see.*

“Qui possum? nemo quaerit nec scire laborat?”

Nos volumus: nobis dicere ne dubita.

“Primum igitur, virgo quod fertur tradita nobis,

 falsum est. non illam vir prior attigerit,

“How am I able? Nobody asks nor seeks to understand.”

We want (the facts); don’t hesitate to tell us.

“First of all, as for the story that it was a maiden who was entrusted to me,

That’s a lie. Granted, her husband didn’t touch her first;

languidior tenera cui pendens sicula beta.

numquam se mediam sustulit ad tunicam;

sed pater illius gnati violasse cubile

 dicitur et miseram conscelerasse domum,

His little dagger, hanging more flaccid than a tender beet,

Never raised itself to the middle of his tunic,

But the father is said to have defiled the couch of his son

And stained the hapless house with scandal,

sive quod impia mens caeco flagrabat amore,

 seu quod iners sterili semine natus erat,

ut quaerendum unde foret nervosius illud,

quod posset zonam solvere virgineam.”

Whether because his irreverent mind burned with blind lust,

Or because his son was impotent with sterile semen,

So that from somewhere a more vigorous member would have to be soughtm

Which could untie the belt of a maiden.”

Egregium narras mira pietate parentem.

qui ipse sui gnati minxerit in gremium.

“Atqui non solum hoc dicit se cognitum habere

Brixia Cycneae supposita speculae,

You tell, with remarkably dutiful respect, of an incredible father,

Who himself urinated on the lap of his own son

“She says she has knowledge of not only this,

Does Brixia, placed at the foot of Cycnus’ lookout point,

flavus quam molli praecurrit flumine Mella,

Brixia Veronae mater amata meae,

sed de Postumio et Corneli narrat amore,

cum quibus illa malum fecit adulterium.

And past which golden Mella runs as a gentle river,

Mother Brixia, loved in my Verona,

But also, she tells about trysts with Postumius and Cornelius,

With whom that woman committed a grievous act of adultery.”

\\n dixerit hic aliquis: quid? tu istaec, ianua, nosti,

cui numquam domini limine abesse licet,

nec populum auscultare, sed hic suffixa tigillo

 tantum operire soles aut aperire domum?

At this point, someone might say, ‘What? You know all this, Door,

You to whom being absent from your master’s doorway is never permitted,

Nor eavesdropping on people, but attached here on the lintel,

(Surely_ you are accustomed only to opening and closing the house?’

saepe illam audivi furtiva voce loquentem

solam cum ancillis haec sua flagitia,

nomine dicentem quos diximus, utpote quae mi

speraret nec linguam esse nec auriculam.

“I often heard her speaking in a furtive voice

Alone with her slave girls about these outrages of hers

And mentioning by name those whom I have mentioned, naturally

Anticipating that I was (possessing) neither tongue nor ear.

praeterea addebat quendam, quem dicere nolo

 nomine, ne tollat rubra supercilia.

longus homo est, magnas cui lites intulit olim

falsum mendaci ventre puerperium.”

Moreover, she would add mention of a particular man whom I don’t want

To name lest he raise his red eyebrows (in anger).

He is a tall man, against whom feigned childbirth once brought

Huge lawsuits, for she had padded her belly.”