The Wizard of Oz RSC Dorothy Lines

(Overture)

Oh Jeepers! My heart’s thumping so loud I can’t hardly breathe. Toto. Toto. No need to be scared anymore. She ain’t followin’ us. I won’t let her touch you nohow. Toto! Toto! There you go. Did she hurt you? She tried to, didn’t she? Oh, Toto. She must be the meanest old woman that ever was. Let’s go tell Uncle Henry and Auntie Em. They’ll take care of her. Come on, Toto. Aunt Em! Aunt Em! Aunt Em!

AUNT EM: Fifty- seven, fifty- eight-

Just listen to what Miss Gulch did to Toto! She-

AUNT EM: Dorothy, please! We’re trying to count! Fifty-eight-

Oh, but Aunt Em, she hit him-

UNCLE HENRY: Don’t bother us now honey. You see, this old incubator’s gone bad and we’re likely to lose a lot of our chicks.

Oh,- oh, the poor little things. Oh, but Aunt Em, Miss Gulch hit Toto right over the back with a rake just because she says he gets in her garden and chases her nasty old cat every day.

AUNT EM: Seventy. Dorothy, please!

But he doesn’t do it every day- just once or twice a week. And he can’t catch her old cat, anyway. And now she says she’s going to get the-

AUNT EM: Dorothy! We’re busy!

Uncle Henry. Can’t you do something?

UNCLE HENRY: I’m doing something right now honey, so just keep out of our hair.

Oh- all right.

HICKORY (TIN MAN): Sense or no sense, when I lift up the axle you two shove her on.

Zeke, Hickory… know what Miss Gulch did to Toto?

ZEKE (LION): I swear they made this new wheel smaller than the other three.

She tried to kill him.

ZEKE: Okay, okay.

Why won’t anyone listen- don’t you care about Toto?

HUNK (SCARECROW): Ow! You got my finger!

What am I going to do about Miss Gulch, Hunk? Just because Toto chases her old cat.

HUNK: Now look it, Dorothy, you ain’t using your head about Miss Gulch. Ain’t you got no brains?

Sure I have brains!

HUNK: Will do, Mr. Gale.

Zeke, what am I going to do?

ZEKE (LION): Well for a start, Kid, don’t let that old Gulch heifer try and buffalo you. She ain’t nothing to be afraid of. You got to stand up to her, that’s all, with a little courage, a little grit.

I’m not afraid of her.

ZEKE: That’s what I wanted to hear. Walk with your head up, your chest out and the next time she squawks, you just stroll up to her and spit in her eye. That’s what I’d do.

Would you really?

ZEKE: Sure I would. Through this life you gotta walk tall, shoot straight and then you got no reason to be scared of nothing and nobody.

Oh! Zeke! Are you alright?

ZEKE: What you trying to do? Kill a guy?

How can you be so cruel?

HICKORY: It’s just a rib, Dorothy.

Can’t you see how white he is? You really scared him.

ZEKE: Yes, Ma’am.

Auntie Em, really- do you know what Miss Gulch said she was going to do to Toto? She said she was going to-

AUNT EM: Dorothy, dear, stop imagining things. You always get yourself into a fret over nothing.

Well-

AUNT EM: Now, you just help us out today and find yourself a place where you won’t get into any trouble.

Some place where there isn’t any trouble. I wonder if there is such a place, Toto? There must be. Not a place you can get to by a boat or a train. It’s far, far away- behind the moon- beyond the rain-

MISS GULCH: That dog’s a menace to the community.

That’s not true.

MISS GULCH: As an act of public service, young woman, I’m taking that dog to the Sheriff and make sure he’s destroyed.

Destroyed? Toto? Oh, you can’t! You mustn’t! Uncle Henry! Auntie Em! You won’t let her, will you?

UNCLE HENRY: Of course, we won’t. Will we Em?

Oh, please Aunt Em! Toto didn’t mean to. He didn’t know he was doing anything wrong. I’m the one that ought to be punished. You can send me to bed without supper-

UNCLE HENRY: Just what she says. You gotta hand him over, Dorothy.

No, I won’t let you take him.

MISS GULCH: Now you’re seeing reason.

No!

MISS GULCH: Here’s what I’m taking him in, so he can’t attack me again.

No, no, no! I won’t let you take him! You go away! Ooh, I'll bite you myself!

AUNT EM: Dorothy!

Oh, you wicked old witch! Uncle Henry, Auntie Em, don’t let ‘em take Toto! Don’t let her take him- please!

HICKORY: It’s no use running, Dorothy.

Hickory, I thought you were my friend.

UNCLE HENRY: Let me have h

MISS GULCH: That’s more like it. (1)

Don’t, Uncle Henry.

MISS GULCH: That’s more like it. (2)

Oh, Toto!

AUNT EM: Come inside, honey.

I’m not going anywhere with you. If you really loved me, you wouldn’t’ve let Toto go

AUNT EM: She had an order from the Sheriff, Dorothy. What did you expect us to do? Wave a wand and make it disappear?

You still could’ve tried at least. You stood there like you was stuffed or something.

HUNK: I just couldn’t think of anything. I’m… I’m sorry.

One mean old woman and you were scared of her.

ZEKE: It wasn’t my place to interfere.

And you’re worse of all. You stopped Toto getting away. I just… just hate you.

HICKORY: Oh don’t say that, Dorothy. You make me feel terrible inside, like me heart was all tore out.

I don’t care. I never want to see any of you again, ever, ever, ever. Toto was the only friend I had in the world. Now I got no-one to talk to, no-one to play with. And I’ll never see him again as long as I live. Toto? Toto, darling! Oh, you came back! You got away from that horrible woman, you wonderful dog. But she’ll be coming back for you any minute. We’ve got to get away! We’ve got to run away! We need food for me and a bone for you and then we’ve got to get far, far away from here. And we’re never, ever comin’ back.

PROFESSOR: And who might you be? … You’re… you’re running away.

How did you guess?

PROFESSOR: Ha ha! Professor Marvel never guesses. He knows! Ha ha! now, why are you running away?

Why…

PROFESSOR: No, no, now don’t tell me. They- they don’t understand you at home. They don’t appreciate you. You want to see other lands, big cities, big mountains, and big oceans. Ha ha!

Why, it’s just like you can read what was inside of me.

PROFESSOR: It is my trade, my calling. See what it says on the side of my conveyance.

Oh, Toto, that’s not polite! We haven’t been asked yet.

PROFESSOR: Ha, ha ha. He’s perfectly welcome! Ha ha! As one dog to another, huh? Ha ha ha! Here now, let’s see. Where were we?

Oh please, Professor, why can’t we go with you and see all the Crowned Heads of Europe?

PROFESSOR: … Ah, what’s this I see? A house… with a picket fence.

That’s our farm!

PROFESSOR: Oh, yes, There’s… there’s… there’s… there’s a woman. She’s… she’s wearing a… a… polka-dot dress. Her face is careworn.

That’s Aunt Em.

PROFESSOR: Yes. Her… her name is Emily.

That’s right. What’s she doing?

PROFESSOR: Well, I… I can’t quite see. Why, she’s crying.

Oh.

PROFESSOR: Someone has hurt her. Someone has just about broken her heart.

Why would anyone do that?

PROFESSOR: I don’t know but it’s… it’s someone she loves very much: someone she’s been very kind to: someone she’s taken care of in sickness.

I had the measles once… and she stayed right behind me every minute.

PROFESSOR: Uh-huh.

But that was when I was very small. She doesn’t care about me at all now. And I don’t care about her.

PROFESSOR: Oh well that’s that’s not what the crystal says.

They were going to kill Toto and she did nothing to stop them.

PROFESSOR: I don’t see any of that in the crystal. All I see is a woman who does the best she can and misses you something terrible.

What’s she doing now?

PROFESSSOR: Yes, she’s… what’s this? Why, she’s… she’s putting her hand on her heart! She’s… she’s dropping down on the bed!

Oh, you… you don’t suppose she could really be sick, do you? Oh! Oh, I’ve got to go home right away!

PROFESSOR: But, what’s this? I thought you were going along with me!

Oh no! No, I have to get to her right away. Come on, Toto! Come on, come on! Goodbye, Professor Marvel, and thanks a lot!

UNCLE HENRY: There’s nothing else we can do, Em. ‘Cept pray for all of us!

Auntie Em! Auntie Em! Auntie Em! Auntie Em! Where is everybody? What happened? Where am I? Why is it all moving? Look, Toto, a flying cow. Everything’s flying. Even we’re flying. We must be inside the twister. Oh, Toto. Toto, look! It’s Miss Gulch. She’s after you even up here.

(Munchkinland Incidental)

Toto- I have a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore. We must be over the rainbow! Now I- I know we’re not in Kansas.

GLINDA: Are you a good witch, or a bad witch?

Who, me? I- I’m not a witch at all. I’m Dorothy Gale, from Kansas.

GLINDA: Oh! Well, is that the witch?

Who, Toto? Toto’s my dog.

GLINDA: And so, what the Munchkins want to know is, are you a good witch or a bad witch?

But I’ve already told you, I’m not a witch at all. Witches are old and ugly. What was that?

GLINDA: The Munchkins. They’re laughing because I’m a witch. I’m Glinda, the Witch of the North.

You are! I beg your pardon! But I’ve never heard of a beautiful witch before.

GLINDA: The Munchkins are happy because you have freed them from the Wicked Witch of the East.

Oh. But- if you please, what are Munchkins?

(Incidental- Witch Appears)

I thought you said she was dead.

WEST WITCH: Under the house?

It’s my fault. I’m so sorry. My house dropped on her.

GLINDA: … I’m afraid you’ve made a rather bad enemy of the Wicked Witch of the West. The sooner you get our of Oz together, the safer you’ll sleep, my dear.

Oh, I’d give anything to get our of Oz altogether. My Auntie Em is missing me. She may even be ill. But- which is the way back to Kansas? I can’t go the way I came.

GLINDA: No, that’s true. The only person who might know would be the great and wonderful Wizard of Oz himself!

The Wizard of Oz? Is he good, or is he wicked?

GLINA: Oh, very good, but very mysterious. He lives in the Emerald City, and that’s a long journey from here. Did you bring your broomstick with you?

No, I’m afraid I didn’t.

GLINDA: Well, then, you’ll have to walk. The Munchkins will see you safely to the border of Munchkinland. And remember, never let those ruby slippers off your feet for a moment, or you will be at the mercy of the Wicked Witch of the West.

But- how do I start for the Emerald City?

GLINDA: It’s always best to start at the beginning- and all you do is follow the Yellow Brick Road.

But- what happens if I-

MUNCHKINS: Goodbye. Goodbye.

My! People come and go quickly here! Follow the Yellow Brick Road. Follow the Yellow Brick Road?

(Stops at crossroads)

Follow the Yellow Brick Road? Follow the Yellow Brick? Well now, which way do we go?

SCARECROW: Pardon me. That way is a very nice way.

Who said that? Don’t be silly, Toto. Scarecrows don’t talk.

SCARECROW: It’s pleasant down that way, too.

That’s funny. Wasn’t he pointing the other way?

SCARECROW: Of course, people do go both ways!

Why, you did say something, didn’t you? Are you doing that on purpose, or can’t you make up your mind?

SCARECROW: I haven’t got a brain, only straw. So I ain’t got a mind to make up.

Well, how can you talk if you haven’t got a brain?

SCARECROW: I don’t know. But some people without brains do an awful lot of talking, don’t they?

Yes, I guess you’re right. Can’t you get down?

SCARECROW: Down? No, you see, I’ve got a pole stuck up my back.

Is there any way I can help you?

SCARECROW: Well, of course, I’m not very bright about doing things, but if you’ll just bend the nail down in the back maybe I’ll just slip off.

I’ll certainly try. It’s an awful stiff nail.

SCARECROW: Ohhh! Whoops! There goes some more of me again!

Oh. Does it hurt you?

SCARECROW: Oh, no. I just keep picking it up and putting it back in again.

Let me help you.

SCARECROW: My! It’s good to be free!

Oh! Ohhh!

SCARECROW: Did I scare you?

No, no. I- I just thought you hurt yourself.

SCARECROW: But I didn’t scare you?

No, of course not.

SCARECROW (spoken in rhythm): If I only had a brain!

That was wonderful. Why, if our scarecrow back in Kansas could do that, the crows’d be scared to pieces!

SCARECROW: They would?

Oh, yes.

SCARECROW: Where is Kansas?

That’s where I live. And I want to get back there so badly, I’m going all the way to the Emerald City to get the Wizard of Oz to help me.

SCARECROW: You’re going to see the Wizard?

Um-hmm.

SCARECROW: Do you think if I went with you this Wizard would give me some brains?

I couldn’t say. But even if he didn’t, you’d be no worse off than you are now.

SCARECROW: Yes, that’s true.

But maybe you’d better not. I’ve got a Witch mad at me, and you might get into trouble.

SCARECROW: Witch? Huh! I’m not afraid of a Witch! I’m not afraid of anything- oh, except a lighted match.

I don’t blame you for that.

SCARECROW: But I’d face a whole box full of them for the chance of getting some brains. Look- I won’t be any trouble, because I don’t eat a thing, and I won’t try to manage things, because I can’t think. Won’t you take me with you?

Of course I will.

CROWS: Caw!

You’re not starting out very well.

SCARECROW; Oh, I’ll try! Really, I will.

To Oz!

SCARECROW: You’re hungry? But I thought only crows got hungry.

All living things need to eat.

SCARECROW: I don’t need to eat. Does that mean I’m not alive?

Oh, no, Scarecrow. You’re the liveliest friend I ever had.

SCARECROW: Why thank you. Just for that you can eat as much of my hay as you like. And then you won’t be hungry anymore.

Oh, no, Scarecrow. I couldn’t do that.

SCARECROW: You don’t have to worry about me. So long as I keep my legs well stuffed, I can walk to Emerald City no matter what shape I’m in up top.

It’s a very kind offer but I don’t eat hay.

SCARECROW: Oh, well perhaps it’s just as well. A little mother field-mouse has a nest in here and she wouldn’t like to be disturbed.

Oh, look Scarecrow, apples!

SCARECROW: Apples, what’s apples?

In the trees.

SCARECROW: You mean all those little red birds hanging upside down by one leg?

They’re not birds. They’re something you eat and they’re delicious. Ouch!

FIRST TREE: What do you think you’re doing?

We’ve been walking a long ways and I was hungry and- did you say something?

THIRD TREE: How would you like it have someone come along and pick something off of you?

I’m sorry! I keep forgetting I’m not in Kansas.