Communication & Conflict Resolution

Exam 2

Communication During Courtship - General Considerations

• Courtship is a nearly universal behavior among animals that leads to or initiates mating

• At first glance, dating appears to be a private interaction between 2 people. However, it is really the playing out by individuals of roles, expectations, & communication patterns that have been developed for them by others & accepted for the self

  • Scripts from parents emerge during dates, as well as messages from friends, media, etc.

• Flirting &/or courtship often rely upon indirect nonverbal cues that provide potential romantic/sexual partners a chance to assess each other before committing themselves

• Clothing (ex: artifactual communication) sends messages about courtship/mating

  • The clothing characteristics (ex: amount of skin showing, sheer clothing) by females at a dance club was correlated with their level of sexual hormones & motivation for sexual activities

• In lab studies & in observations in various social gatherings, men were much more likely to approach a woman if she first made repeated eye contact followed by a smile
  

Courtship Strategies - General

Dating scripts have substantial meaning for the individuals & group

Courtship Strategies - Appearance/Attractiveness

• People quickly evaluate each other & try to make contact with people they find desirable

  • People are initially approved or discarded based on one characteristic (ex: appearance)

  • Physical attractiveness is a primary consideration when initiating interpersonal relationships

  • A potential partner’s attractiveness was more important than other qualities in initial dating scenarios

  • In online dating, the attractiveness of the photograph(s) was the first thing people looked at & a primary determinant of reading a dating profile

• Meaningful conversation is often difficult due to distractions (ex: loud music)

  • Thus, it is hard to get to know the other person through meaningful conversation; so physical attraction remains the primary evaluative criteria

• People are extremely cognizant regarding who they are with (ex: dance partner) & how it will reflect on their own desirability & worth

  • Physical attractiveness of a partner is used to evaluate one’s own credibility & attractiveness

Courtship Strategies - Props

• Props are used to establish, maintain, or discontinue contacts

• Props, such as alcoholic drinks, the bathroom, friends, phones (1) give the person something to do, & (2) provide a way to escape from non-desirable people. Alcohol prop also allows a person to get drunk to loosen inhibitions

Approach-Avoidance Tension

• People want to be seen & desired without being viewed as undesirable, alone, & needy

• Females may separate from their group temporarily to make themselves more open to approach

• People strive for a balance between vulnerability (ex: open to meeting an attractive person) & self-protection (ex: not vulnerable to rejection)

Ritualistic Brush-Off

• Excuses & lies are used to terminate an unpleasant mismatch, hopefully with the least amount of trauma & embarrassment for both people

• Excuses are often recognized as a brush-off, but they can still hurt as they are perceived as rejection

• The cost of being too nice & not using a ritualistic brush-off is that the person may become trapped with the undesirable person

• Sometimes the rituals are only recognized to one player in the interaction

• Non-verbal rejection behaviors include leaning away, turning away, frowning, picking at teeth

Offensive-Defensive Tactic

• After the dance is over there are a couple of seconds of undefined meaning. Neither knows whether the other wants to dance again, so someone says, “thank you” & ends the suspense

• People protect themselves by terminating the interaction first

  • Saving face while gaining an opportunity for a new relationship

  • Saving face but loss of opportunity for a new relationship

  • Loss of face & loss of opportunity for a new relationship

Gender & Decoding the Courtship Dance

• Men who were successful daters were often better decoders of nonverbal behaviors than men who had problems in dating. A multidimensional dating skills workshop could improve nonverbal sensitivity & dating outcomes

• Similarly, females can be coached on how to show interest in dating

• Studies found men & women had different thresholds & perceptions of courtship & rejection behaviors

  • Men were more likely to interpret flirting as stronger indicators of interest &/or sexual consent than women

  • Men were less likely to interpret or recognize rejection behaviors than women

  • Neither gender should be considered correct or incorrect in their interpretations

• Heterosexual women & lesbian women used similar nonverbal courtship signaling

Self-Disclosure

• A communication process that involves revealing personal info about oneself to others

• Self-disclosure helps individuals develop interpersonal relationships & helps partners further develop intimacy

Self-Disclosure Rule of Reciprocity

• Individuals should match another person’s disclosure with their own disclosure that is equally revealing

  • This mutual self-disclosure allows people to match consensus on issues, values, & opinions

  • Also, mutual self-disclosure allows better relationship maintenance

• College students were more likely to self-disclose to their dating partners & same-sex friends the most, & then mothers, followed by fathers

Alternatives to Self-Disclosure

• Deception or lie

  • Women engaged in more deception than men during social interactions; often to ensure more harmonious interactions

Equivocate

A person uses unclear or ambiguous language to avoid answering a question, mislead another person, &/or deceive someone

Pluralistic Deceit

• Attempting to project personalities that will please & attract desirable mates. This may involve misrepresentation, deceptions, & lies of omission in the initial stage of courtship

• People engage in pluralistic deceit b/c they doubt the desirability of their real selves (ex: insecurity)

• People tend to outwardly be the kind of person with whom, they think, the other person would want

• Persons with chronic illnesses, STDs, or invisible disabilities may engage in concealment in early stages of dating relationships due to fears of discrimination, shame, or stigma

  • Individuals whose partners gave early & full disclosure of a mental illness had fewer negative reactions than individuals who experienced late & partial disclosure of their partner’s mental illness(es)

• Pluralistic deceit in online dating

  • About 1/3 of respondents admitted to lying to some degree on their online dating profile

  • Women, compared to men, engaged in more deception in self-presentation in online dating environments

  • Men were more likely to use a recent photo, while women were more likely to use old photos, retouch the photos, etc.

  • Individuals engaging in online dating expected some level of deception, especially from those with more attractive dating photographs

Social Penetration Theory

• Relationships progress from superficial & less intimate interpersonal communication to deeper & more intimate communication

• Individuals starting a dating/romantic relationship will not automatically disclose personal info b/c they want to make a good early impression, Thus, in early stages of dating, romantic partners will often keep protective outer layers & disclose fairly shallow info

• Disclose reciprocity is a key component

• As a relationship grows & becomes more serious, intimate, & committed, there is an expectation for greater self-disclosure of intimate & personal info

• Greater self-disclosure helps the relationship grow & contributes to relationship maintenance

Conflicting Views Regarding Self-Disclosure

• Privacy & self-disclosure are in conflict of each other

  • Motivation to disclose is to gain approval

  • Motivation not to disclose is to avoid rejection

• Some speculate the all info should be self-disclosed in a relationship

  • Reasons for self-disclosure

    • Having a closer relationship

    • Developing more trust

    • Seeking social support/help

    • Duty to inform

    • Educating the other person

    • Sharing/Matching consensus

    • Catharsis

    • Self-clarification

• Self-disclosure in friendships & romantic relationships was positively related to relationship esteem & relationship quality (ex: satisfaction, love, commitment)

• Couples who took turns self-disclosing (ex: one person discloses something, & the other reciprocates during the same interaction) reported greater degree of attraction, especially on the first encounter. Couples reporter lower attraction when one person disclosed while the other listened in a first interaction, & then they switched roles in the second interaction

• Some speculate that full self-disclosure can be detrimental to a relationship

  • Arguments against self-disclosure

    • Superficial relationship

    • Info is not important

    • Privacy concerns

    • Protecting the other person

    • Fear of losing the other person’s respect

    • Fear of being rejected

    • Relationship threatening

    • Communication difficulties

    • Low self-esteem

    • Self-blame

    • Dissimilar views, beliefs, or values

    • Other person is not available

    • Giving too much power to someone when you tell your secrets

• When self-disclosure about self was done online (ex: Facebook), self-disclosure was detrimental to intimacy & satisfaction in romantic relationships, but not friendship relationships. However, when the disclosure was about positive aspects of the relationship, it was beneficial to the relationship

Types of Love - Eros

• Physical love

• Eros lovers are consumed by passion & romance & loves the kinesthetic aspects of love (ex: touch, sight, smell, taste, sex). They tend to focus on the physical, especially sexual, aspects of a relationship

• They often have an ideal partner in mind, & hence, they believe in “love at first sight”

• Fall in love is desirable, & Erotic lovers are monogamous though often serially (ex: one monogamous relationship after another). There is thorough commitment. 

• Breakups are often explosive & painful

Types of Love - Storge

• Lifelong friends/Companionate love

• Love is a calm, soothing, nonsexual love devoid of intense passion but encompasses respect, friendship, commitment, & familiarity

• Storge lovers are often good friends who have grown up in intimacy, with the assumption that their relationship will be permanent, & they will find a way to deal with their problems with minimum pain. They may resemble siblings in their understanding of the love relationship

• If they break up, they are often still good friends

• Physical intimacy comes later in the relationship. They do not “fall in love”, they develop into a stable love

Types of Love - Ludus

• Game-playing love

• Ludic lovers view love as play & fun. They “play” love affairs like a game - to get the greatest reward for the least cost. They are often considered immature in their views of love

• They dislike dependency in themselves or others & avoid commitment

• They may convince their love object (ex: mate) they are “in love” while they are seducing other love objects

• They value variety & are likely to have a large number of sexual partners. They will often juggle several people at the same time & manage each relationship so that no one is seen too often

• Sex is usually self-centered & may be exploitative rather than symbolic of a relationship

Types of Love - Agapic

• “Thou” centered/Unselfish love

• This love is selfless, forgiving, giving, & expects nothing in return

• Agapic lovers assume when a loved one causes pain, the lover in acting in ignorance/innocence, or the lover is the victim of forces not originating in the love-object’s personality

• They never/rarely fall out of love & are patient (ex: wait for spouse to get out of prison)

• Parents’ love for their children is often described as Agapic love

Types of love - Pragma

• Practical love

• Pragma lovers are logical, rational, & practical, & they are attracted to specific aspects of a person

• Pragma lovers assess partners on their assets & liabilities; they can’t invest love in “unworthy” love objects

• They look realistically at their own assets, decide on their market value, & then try to get the best deal

• Once a Pragma lover decides on a love' object, he/she is faithful & loyal & defines his/her status as “in love”

Types of Love - Mania

• Possessive love

• Manic lovers feel intense emotion & sexual passion & are obsessed with their love object

• Manic lovers are insecure, & can be jealous, possessive, & controlling so they might be described as irrational (especially in the extreme). They cannot tolerate loss of contact with or separation from a love’ object, even for short periods. They may have mood swings (ex: ecstasy to despair)

• In the extreme, Manic lovers may have sexual problems & problems handling intimate interactions

• Manic lovers feel passion like Eros but play games like Ludus as they cope with mood swings & fear of loss

General Considerations Regarding the Type of Lovers

• People are not usually a “pure” love type. They generally have varying degrees of each quality. However, there tends to be a more dominant style, which can change over time or in different relationships

• Men were more Ludic & Erotic, while women tended to be more Storgic, Manic, & Pragmatic

• Men tended to fall in love more quickly than women, & men believed more in “love at first sight”

• Men reported being more romantic than women. Women were more practical in their views of love; possibly due to future parental interest. Women wanted to ensure men wanted to provide for & protect offspring

• Married couples have similar love styles, with Agapic being the predominant style. Higher levels of Erotic & lower levels of Ludic were related to increased marital satisfaction

• Passionate, friendly, & selfless love were related to more marital satisfaction, while more Ludic (game-playing) love was related to less marital satisfaction

• Asians were less Erotic & more Storgic & Pragmatic than Whites, Latinos, & Blacks. Blacks were the lowest on Agapic

Love Languages - Words of Affirmations

• Using words/verbal messages to express love

  • Saying “I love you” &/or telling significant other why you love him/her. Giving unsolicited compliments

• Negative messages (ex: insults, guilt) are very hurtful & hard to forget

Love Languages - Quality Time

• Spending time & giving undivided attention to your significant other to express love

  • Planning a weekend get-away or having a quiet dinner or picnic with no distractions (ex: cell phones, TV)

• Hurtful interactions include not making time, cancelling/postponing dates, not giving undivided attention, & not listening

Love Languages - Receiving Gifts

• Expressing love through giving/receiving gifts. The gift represents your feelings through effort you put into the gift & by demonstrating that you thought about your significant other when you were apart

  • Making a gift &/or giving a gift that is symbolic of love (ex: flowers(

  • Giving a gift that your partner really wanted but did not buy for him/herself

• Hurtful aspects include a thoughtless gift, &/or missing important events (ex: birthday, anniversary)

Love Languages - Acts of Service

• Expressing love by engaging in activities that help your significant other

  • Assisting with or doing household chores &/or not making a mess

  • Fixing something the partner needs &/or providing unsolicited help

• Hurtful interactions include making more work for partner, not helping partner, & not completing a task you promised to do

Love Languages - Physical Touch

• Expressing love by being physically available & accessible to significant other

  • Examples include physical signs of affection (ex: hugs, holding hands, loving caresses, sex)

• Hurtful interactions include physical neglect & physical abuse

Lovers Compared to Friends

• Lovers/Spouses are less accepting of each other than friends

• Lovers/Spouses, compared to friends, have a greater desire to change the other

• Lovers/Spouses are more willing to criticize their partners than their friends

• Lovers/Spouses are more concerned their relationship would end than friends

• Love relationships, compared to very good friendships will have (1) more fascination, (2) higher exclusiveness, (3) more sexual desire, (4) more depth of caring (ex: willingness to give the utmost when needed), & (5) more possibility for enjoyment & other positive emotions

• Yet, love relationships will also have increased potential for ambivalence, distress, mutual criticism, & conflict

Temperament, Interpersonal Relationships, & Communication - Similarities Across Classification Systems

• For most classification systems, there is no best, better, worse, or worst type

  • The one exception is that the Big Five pathologizes one side of each continuum

• The classification systems identify preference for a type but not the strength of ability in the type

  • Ex: People might have a preference for extroversion, but they may not be great at being extroverted. Similarly, people might have a preference for intuition but are not necessarily good at being intuitive

• People are better than another person at identifying their own type

• People using the classification systems should avoid stereotyping or pigeonholing a person

  • Just b/c a person is first color Blue does not mean the person has all the characteristics of being Blue

• Types are useful for understanding a person’s preferred ways to think, make decisions, & interact. Understanding the types helps us communicate & relate to others based on how people think & interact

• They all include introvert & extrovert interaction styles

Introvert

• Derives primary energy from the inner world (ex: thoughts, ideas, self-reflection, info)

• Ponders & rehearses thoughts before saying them out-loud

• May appear quiet, reflective, & reserved

• Prefers solitude or one-on-one activities to group activities

• Can be sociable, but usually selective in revealing too much personal info

• Prefers fewer close relationships to many casual ones

• Needs emotional, physical, & mental space

• If too much energy is expended in the “outside” world (ex: interacting with people), then retreating to a more private setting can help re-energize

Extrovert

• Derives primary energy from interactions with the outside world (ex: things, people, places, activities); the more interaction, the better

• Thinks out-loud & talks things through while thinking

• Sociable, outgoing, & likes to be with people; very approachable & feels at ease starting a conversation

• If too much time is devoted to inner world (by one’s self), the outside world must be engaged to rejuvenate

Gender Difference Communication Qualifiers

• Sex & gender are only 2 of the many influences on communication & relationships

• There are more similarities than differences between sexes/genders, but the differences can result in miscommunication

• Not all people fit the socially-constructed patterns associated with their biological sex or gender identity

  • In other words, some females may demonstrate more stereotypical masculine traits & communication patterns, while some males may demonstrate more stereotypical feminine traits & communication patterns

• Neither the traditional male or female style of communication is better or worse in all situations

• More research needs to be conducted beyond binary conceptualizations of gender & communications

Which Gender is Better at Decoding Nonverbal Signals?

Females are generally more sensitive to nonverbal signals than males

Nonverbal Gender Differences - Eye Contact

• Females look more at the other person than do males

• Eye contact may be more of an emotional expression

• Individuals with higher status (vs. individuals with lower status) were gazed upon more frequently & longer

• Lower status of women in society may make it more vital for them to be able to read men than the inverse

• Males reported that females who looked at them were more attractive & interesting than women who did not look at them. Women preferred men who looked at them less

• In another study, women were less talkative & more uncomfortable, & men more talkative, when they could not see to whom they were talking

• Females were more likely to avert their gaze due to prolonged stare

Nonverbal Gender Differences - Facial Expression

Females are more likely to reveal their emotions in facial expressions than males

Nonverbal Gender Differences - Smile

• Females tend to smile more than males

• Males & females tend to smile for different reasons

  • Males typically smile out of the need for affiliation & for sociability

  • Females smile when happy, to connect, when anxious, when uncomfortable, or out of courtesy or shame

• Suggestions

  • Males should not automatically assume that a female client/colleague is happy just because she is smiling

  • Females should be aware of why they are smiling. If a woman smiles when she is uncomfortable (ex: person makes a sexually suggestive comment), then she may inadvertently reinforce the inappropriate behavior

Nonverbal Gender Differences - Posture

• People can correctly identify the gender of a figure or an outline copy of a magazine photograph by posture alone, with all other gender cues removed

• Males

  • Assume more relaxed postures & expand into available space

  • Stand with both feet on floor with legs apart & hands on hips

  • Sit more with legs stretched out, knees spread apart, or one ankle of one leg crossing the knee of the other

• Females

  • Tend to assume tense, condensed postures

  • Stand with legs together & arms crossed in front

  • Legs crossed at knees or ankles when sitting

  • Take up as little space as possible (which can convey a subordinate position)

• People who changed their gender learned to adopt the postures of their new gender

Nonverbal Gender Differences - Gestures

• Males

  • Display more gestures & use more broad sweeping gestures than females

  • Use arms to lift or move the body position more

  • Point & use closed fist more & crack knuckles more

  • Stroke chin more

• Females

  • Display more gestures when conversing with males than with other females (possibly nonverbal mimicry)

  • Tend to leave both hands down on chair arms more than males do

  • Arrange or play with their hair or ornamentation more

  • Females exhibit limp wrists, arm flutters, & flexed elbows more than males

Nonverbal Gender Differences - Personal Space

• Females were approached by both sexes more closely than males, & they sat closer to both sexes

  • Both sexes were more wary of the approach of males than females

  • Males were less likely to get physically close to other males compared to females. Male-male pairs kept a greater distance than female-female pairs; but male-female pairs stood closest of all

• Girls displayed more proximal attachment behaviors at one year of age, & the shift from proximal to distant attachment was more likely in males than females

• Sitting study

  • Females were more likely to sit side-to-side than in a position of dominance at a rectangular table. Twice as many males were more likely to sit in the dominant position than females

  • When trying to assist a student, sit next to the student. But, if you are going to discuss situations where you have to assert your position (ex: cheating, doing poorly in class), then sit in the dominant position

• Crowding study

  • Males had more negative perceptions to crowding than did females

  • Thus, when talking with fathers, male students, etc., you might avoid talking with them in crowded areas

• Walking study

  • People of both sexes tended to cut across the path of females more. Also, when males & females approached each other, the females generally moved out of the male’s way more often

• Female pedestrians were disturbed or pushed from their path more by motorists than were male pedestrians

Nonverbal Gender Differences - Alignment

• Males directly faced each other less often than did females

• Males reacted more negatively than females when a stranger approached them face-to-face, & females reacted more negatively to approaches from the side

• Suggestion: be aware of your alignment

Nonverbal Gender Differences - Touch

• People touched females more than males. Females did more same sex touching than males. Also, males touched females more (especially when the interactions occurred outside)

• Females were the recipient of more same sex touching & more comfortable with same sex touching

• Females perceived affective touch as more pleasant than males; & this may be explained by power status

  • Higher-status people had a greater likelihood of initiating discrete touches to the shoulders & arms that were occasionally affectionate; but, lower-status people initiated more formalized touch (ex: handshakes)

  • Those with higher status were more likely to initiate touch (males vs. females, higher SES, vs. lower SES, & older people vs. younger people)

• Males often interpreted a female’s touch as a sexual invitation, whereas a female does not necessarily interpret a male’s touch as sexual

Writing the Personal Statement

• Start composing your statement of purpose early

• Before writing

  • Think of your audience. Who will be reading this statement?

  • Examine the application materials & literature about the desired graduate program to determine the primary focus & interests of the faculty & department

  • Consider what the admission committee might be looking for

• Demonstrate the quality of your writing

  • Have a clear focus

  • Be organized - make an outline prior to starting the writing

  • Be succinct

  • Be concise

  • Avoid repetition or overelaboration

  • Avoid colloquialisms (ex: “I’m a people person” or “I hung out”)

• Keep your essay positive

  • In general, do not mention potential liabilities about yourself or your current program

  • Be enthusiastic about the field & your career goals

• Make sure your statement fits with the graduate program mission

  • Ex: if you are applying to a Ph.D. or master’s program that uses the research-scientist or scientist-practitioner model, then make sure your statement fits with a specific faculty member’s interest areas

• Follow guidelines exactly!

  • Each school has different guidelines, so you will have to tailor each statement of purpose accordingly

  • Address EACH aspect of their questions

  • Some programs often ask multiple questions. Address EACH question separately

    • Social work programs often ask you to write about your work/volunteer experiences, how you fit within the mission of social work, what area of social justice you are interested in, & your experiences with diversity

  • Do not exceed the page limit or word limit

• Draft an initial statement & revise the draft. Then set it aside for a day & revise the draft again

• Have others proofread & critique your statement (ex: major advisor, references)

• The statement should be modified for each school/program

Content of the Personal Statement

• Identify your educational & career goal

• Briefly (1-2 sentences) explain how you became interested in the field

• Highlight your specific educational & occupational experiences that facilitated your desire to achieve a graduate degree in the field

  • Educational background

  • Explain how your paid & volunteer experience validated your desire to pursue this career

  • Each of these experiences should demonstrate how they ultimately led to your educational/career path

  • For Ph.D. & master’s programs leading to Ph.D., explain your research background

• Explain why you want to attend the specific program & university

  • Look at the program info to craft this paragraph

  • Explain how this program will position you for your career

  • If it is the same university where you got your undergraduate degree, don’t say, “I feel comfortable at XYZ organization” or “XYZ organization is like my second home.” These types of comments suggest a lack of introspection about the actual program characteristics, mission, etc.

  • For a Ph.D. program, identify specific faculty members & research you are interested in

  • Tie your research interests with at least 2 faculty members to increase your chances. Obviously, these faculty members need to be doing similar research

• Explain your personal attributes that make you a good fit with the program & future career

  • Ex: fluency in languages, fluency in statistical programs or programming languages, ability to overcome obstacles, work ethic

• Throughout the statement, emphasize what you bring to the program, without overstating your abilities

  • Strengths & achievements

  • Mention relevant skills (ex: research & computing skills)

• Every sentence on the statement should be designed to to help the reviewer (1) understand that your applying to this program was well thought out, & (2) what you can bring to the program & career

• Always remember this is your professional representation of yourself

• Damaging personal statements

  • Do not engage in excessive self-disclose that takes you away from the important point (ex: why they should accept/interview you)

    • Avoid getting caught up in all the minuscule details that led you to pursue the career

  • Do not over disclose personal mental health issues

    • Even for a clinical psychology or master’s level therapy program, be cautious about over-disclosing

    • Going to therapy can be an asset if presented correctly

      • “As an adolescent, I experienced significant life challenges that resulted in my attending therapy. I think going to therapy gave me an insider’s view of therapy, as well as an appreciation for the impact that therapists can have on their clients. It was this experience where I first considered pursuing psychology as a major in college.”

  • Do not demonstrate “excessive altruism”

    • “I want to make the world a better place” or “I want to help humanity”

  • Avoid unprofessional writing such as inappropriate humor or overly clever or cutesy comments

• Integrate characteristics that show you overcame challenges without creating a damaging personal statement

  • Ex: if you immigrated to the USA as a child, neither of your parents had a college degree, & your grew up in a high-risk neighborhood, it would be easy to write many paragraphs about all the challenges you have overcome. However, this “telling of your story” takes you away from why they should accept you into the program. Instead, you can integrate these ideas into your research interests, without providing too much focus on the minute details

    • “As an immigrant to the USA, I believe I can provide an insider’s view when interpreting research on immigrant families.”

    • “Having grown up as an immigrant in high-risk neighborhoods, I am very passionate about conducting research (or clinical practice) on identifying qualities that promote positive mental health in low SES immigrants.”