Tell Tale Teacher - Full script - Ques & lines

(Ms. Finkle finishes book)

(Unesnthusiastic applause)

Ms. Finkle: How about you Wednesday?

(lean back, put up feet) The narrator was insane. I really like that about him. His choice of weapon … a mattress … that was cool, and hiding the body under the floor? So obvious, and yet, no one would look there. Absolute genius!

Principal: Ms. Finkle!

All students: (in sync) Hello Principal Snodgrass!

Alex: Hey guys, did you hear about the unsolved murder that took place 20 years ago on this very day in our school, possibly in this very room?

WOW! I can’t believe you’d think we’d believe this terrible, nauseating joke! Just stop!

Jasper: That means his spirit may be trapped in the school. He might be right here in this room with us.

(move downstage) He must have done something REALLY bad if he was sentenced to haunt this place for all eternity.

Principal: Yes, yes, well … where is Ms. Finkle?

She was just with you, and you’ve lost her? (turn to audience) And they put HER in charge?

Principal: I don’t appreciate the tone, Wednesday. Watch it or you’ll be spending yet another afternoon in detention.

(to the audience) When had detention ever made a difference in my tone?

Alex: If there’s something strange/ In your neighborhood / Who you gonna call?

All students: Ghostbusters!

Alex: If there’s something weird/ And it don’t look good / Who you gonna call?

All students: Ghostbusters! I ain’t afraid of no ghost! ( laugh, high five)

(I ain’t afraid of no ghost!)

Ugh! Why did I just do that? (cross arms. go sit back down)

Troy: You should have seen your faces! I wish I had taken pictures! They would have been hilarious on Instagram.

You’ve make a huge mistake messing with me like that! If I had a tombstone, I’d plant you under it!

Miles: Ummm …Troy, it seems you’ve made a grave mistake.

Ugh! I thought HE was lame, but Miles, that was just bad. (move downstage)

Troy: And of course, I’m Fred.

Gross! Stereotype much?

Emerson: No, no, no! Miles and Wednesday are NOT red herrings. Forget I ever said anything.

Well, I, for one, a happy you’ve run out of parts. Miles and I can just sit here and watch you all make fools of yourselves. How long do you think it will be before Stacy says “Oh Troy, You’re soooooo smart”? Cheerleaders disgust me!

Miles: Um, why do ghosts like cheerleaders?

Oh Miles, not now--

Miles: (cutting me off) Because they have a lot of spirit!

Ugh! You’re all ridiculous! I’m out of here! (grab hall pass and walk out, slam door behind you)

Troy: For once, the nerd is right. What I think we should do is --

-- I can’t believe I’m saying this, but, I think I found a clue. (hold out a broken pencil) (go sit on teachers desk-shoved papers)

Jasper: I heard screaming.

All students: (in sync) That was you!

(Jasper hugs Wednesdays legs from under the table)

(slapping and kicking at Jasper) Ugh! Get OFF of me!

Miles: Um, what do you call a frightened diver?

Miles this really isn’t the time —

Miles: (cutting me off) Chicken of the sea!

Ugh!

Alex: Okay, if we are playing Clue, I’m guessing it was Principal Snodgrass in the Cafeteria with a plastic spork!

(rolls eyes) I’m guessing it was some lame dude, with an even lamer weapon.

Alex: You need a location.

(standing and stomping towards Alex) I need a what?

Alex: In Clue, in order to win, you need to name the murderer, weapon, AND location of the crime. You know, Professor Plum, with the candlestick, in the conservatory.

Oh really?! Then it was some lame dude, with some lame weapon, in this totally lame school. Happy?

Emerson: One of us must go reconnoiter and report back.

Speak English, Poindexter?

Stacy: What kind of clue is that? It’s just like every other poem; it doesn’t mean anything.

For once, I have to agree with the cheerleader. This is a waste of time.

Miles: A waist of time. Get it?

All students: Miles!!!!

Jasper: It’s the Old Man’s ghost. He’s back for revenge.

First of all, get out of there (tries to put Jasper out but can’t) Fine! “The Tell Tale Heart” was FICTION. That means it is made up, fake, NOT REAL. The Old Man can’t be involved!

Stacy: Oh Troy.

(disgusted) Gross.

Emerson: Don’t any of you listen in school?

(turn, shake head, confused)

Jasper: (screams) The ghost is right next door!

Don’t make me tape your mouth shut!

Miles: O.I.C.U

Oh! I. Loathe. You.

Alex: I think you mean Ms. Frizzle! Get it, from The Magic School Bus.

Be quiet, nerds!

Ms. Finkle: Yes, hello, children. Have you gotten all of your work done?

All students: (in sync, look down, shuffle feet) Ummmmmmmmmmm.