The Play That Goes Wrong - Sandra Lines

Florence!

Florence!

Charley! No! I can't believe what I'm seeing. My God, he looks so frail lying there. His skin is cold to the touch.

Don't touch him, Florence.

I must!

You mustn't!

You controlling fiend, unhand me! Oh, who could do such a thing? The night of our engagement party. Cecil, quick! Your brother's dead.

Hang it all, Charley dead.

My fiance dead. I can't bear it.

This is horrifying! I mean who on earth would have a motivation to murder Charles Haversham?

I can't imagine!

My brother, murdered in his own home! This is unthinkable!

This is more than my nerves can take. I simply can't stand it. Mary, I think I'm becoming hysterical!

Oh Florence, this is unbearable.

(screm and pound on chest)

There, there, Florence, well done, deep breaths.

This is terrible, just a week after our engagement.

Make it a double!

Oh my Charles! My Charles! My head is spinning!

Another scotch, sir? Yes!

I can't believe he sat up here alone, drinking, when he was supposed to be downstairs with us.

We all have, Perkins. Hang it, I knew Charley ever since grade school.

I don't know how I'll ever recover from this.

"I fear Florence does not love me. The night of engagement party, despair engulfs my soul."

But I loved Charles with all my heart!

As I said: driven mad with paranoia and jealousy.

(gasp)

(ding dong)

Thank heavens he's here.

This must be Charles Haversham. I'm sorry. This must've given you all a damn shock.

It did, we're all still reeling.

I'm Cecil Haversham. I'm his brother.

I'm Florence Colleymoore. I'm his fiance. Tonight was our engagement party.

To a man we all loved, to Charles.

Charles!

Delicious

Excellent

Miss Colleymoore, Mr. Haversham, please wait in the study as I examine the body.

(slip exit)

Miss Colleymoore and Mr. Haversham, if you could please return.

(enter)

Could be a number of things. Strangulation, suffocation, poison. Before the coroner fully examines the body I wouldn't like to say.

Poison, Inspector? Surely not.

I'll speak to everyone individually and then you can get some space to calm your nerves.

Thank you, Inspector. This is all more than I can bear. ;)

Well thank God they've all gone.

Cecil, we must tread carefully. It would be easy for the two of us to become implicated in Charles' death. If they find out about us, we'll be suspects.

We were having an affair, so what? It doesn't mean we killed the man.

Of course not, but that's what the inspector will think.

Except now you won't be forced to marry my beastly brother.

And soon we can be together and not keep secrets.

(Max goes down on one knee in front of Sandra)

(gasp)

Florence, Charles is gone and he's never coming back.

Oh Cecil, I can't resist you! I shall, I shall marry you.

Oh Florence, come into my arms.

I shall!

Kiss me!

Oh Cecil! (dip)

The Inspector requires a pencil. What on earth's going on in here?

Sorry, I felt flustered. Cecil was cooling my brow.

Thank God he's gone!

Oh, Cecil! Kiss me a thousand times; I'm yours.

I shall lock the doors at once.

You don't think Perkins suspects us, do you?

The old fool, of course not.

Oh, enough words. Take me!

I forgot the Inspector's notebook... What in God's name?

I was about to faint. Cecil caught me.

Damn these blasted interruptions!

Kiss me, Cecil, I can't wait a second longer. (look to door) Kiss me, Cecil, I can't wait a second longer. KISS ME, CECIL. I CAN'T WAIT A SECOND LONGER.

At last we're alone.

Oh Cecil, let's run away from here. Far away! Together!

Soon, my love, but we must be careful. We mustn't arouse suspicion.

Cecil, tell me, who do you think killed Charles?

I have no doubt in my mind, he was killed by your brother: Thomas Colleymoore.

My brother a murderer and Charles dead? What a devil of a situation this is!

Not so fast, Inspector!!

..But why would mary want Charles dead?

He couldn't stand the idea of his best friend marrying his sister. He saw you two together at tonight's engagement party and it drove him half mad and he snapped and killed Charles!

But if it is mary, what if our affair is discovered?

I have no doubt in my mind he would try and kill us as well, just like he killed Charles!

Oh I feel faint again!

I'd like to ask you a few questions first. Mr. Haversham, Miss Colleymoore, if you'd be so kind as to give us a moment's privacy. Naturally.

(exit SL)

Thank you, Perkins! If you'd be so kind as to send in Florence Colleymoore on your way out.

No need, I'm already here. Don't ask too much of me, Inspector, I feel fragile as glass. (CS)

Don't fret, Miss Colleymoore, my questions will be brief and to the point and then you can get some rest. Firstly, how old are you, Miss Colleymoore?

Twenty-one.

And when were you engaged to be married?

In the new year.

And when did you and your fiance first meet?

Only seven months ago, but my brother has known him since school. He introduced us at a local gala and it was love at first sight. I knew from the very first moment I saw him that he was the man I wished to marry.

Ah, I've run out of paper.

When you love someone there's no such thing as rushing, Inspector.

Did you ever think you were rushing into this marriage?

Why wouldn't I love him?

Did you love him, then?

How could anyone have benefitted?

Can you think of anyone who might have benefitted from your fiances death?

Cecil?

Not even Cecil?

I wasn't having an affair! Don't raise your voice to me, Inspector!

YOU WERE HAVING AN AFFAIR!

(slap) Don't tell me to calm down!

Calm down, Miss Colleymoore.

But where did you find it?

I found your letter; the one addressed to Cecil, written in your hand, declaring your love for him and saying that the thought of marrying Charles repulsed you.

Charles read it-

"But where did you find it?" I'll tell you where I found it: in Charles' pocket!

Charles read it?! Then it was suicide! (x3)

Indeed! Or a murder, conceived by yourself and Cecil Haversham so you could run away together.

You diabolical beast. How can you? I won't stand for this Inspector. Accuse me again and you'll be sorr-

You killed your fiance Florence. What do you have to say for yourself?

(off) I am no murderer!

We all know that's not true.

(DSC) It is true, Inspector!

Arthur, you stay here with Miss Colleymoore and ensure she does not leave this room.

Arthur, you have known me for years, surely you believe I would never do something like this?

On the contrary, Miss Colleymoore, it was I who discovered you to be the guilty party.

Oh Arthur! How can you? Please, you must protect me from these fiends! I'll do anything to win your trust.

Miss Colleymoore, you know I cannot resist your feminine charms.

I have seen the way you look at me across the grounds. Even now, the way you're looking at me... Even now, the way you're looking at me... (turn head) Even now the way you're looking at me! I know how you feel.

Please, Miss Colleymoore, I am a simple gardener, I...

And you have said before how rad- (grab mutton chop) And you have said before- (swap) And you have said before- (hold up) And you have said before how radiant I look as I walk across the gardens. (pull off) Oh Arthur, protect me. I'll be yours if you do.

Miss Colleymoore, I do not feel as you suggest. You are a murderer and a seductress and I shall not be seduced.

(tantrum, clock, pass out)

Settle down, Miss Colleymoore! An adulteress and a cold-blooded killer!

I'm not, Inspector!

Yes you are, Miss Colleymoore

Oh Inspector! I can't take it anymore, I shall faint.

What happened? I must have fainted! Curse my delicate..

What happened? I must have fainted! Curse my delicate constitution.

You did faint, Florence. We've learned that Perkins committed the murder.

(at Annie) Perkins?

Perkins?

But she's such a kindly old woman! (freeze)

This is all a misunderstanding! I didn't kill Charles, but I know who did.

WHO?

INSPECTOR CARTER!

(gasp)

I will, confound it.

What a devil of a situation this is!

Not so fast, Inspector!

(gasp)

Charley, I-

(pushes in front) Charley! I thought you were dead.

Charley--

(stomp) Charley, this is all more than I can bear!

(Annie pulls arm away)

(proud, eye-contact, turn, hand clap slap, spin left, step right, face Annie, hands up, collar bones)

It was you that I saw. You were the mysterious figure!

I thought it was strange.. (collapse into bookshelf)

Precisely, and after committing the crime you found Charles' will in his ledger and tried to pin the whole thing on me.

You damned- (walk past window, smack, see stars, fall behind window)

Drop the gun, Inspector.

(SR) Ay me!

Please, Inspector, you're frightening!

(SCREAM) Please, Inspector, you're frightening me!

Yes, sir.

You monster! You tried to kill Charles and You killed Ce.. (step aside)

(Annie charges)

..And you killed Cecil. How could you?!

It's useless Colleymoore, there's no way out.

(SR run to window) Sister, I'm surprised at- (quick hands, hit, see stars, crumple)

Now I hold in my hand a written list of ever fraudulent transaction Thomas Colleymoore and Inspector Carter made.

No this can't be true, I can't belie- (throws vase) I can't believe it!

Florence, your sordid affair made me sick. It broke my heart.

Charley! Look at me the way you used to look at me!

Yes, sir!!

Charley!

That will be the police to arrest you both. Silence, Florence, you mean nothing to be now.

This is the worst night of my life! (pulled through window)

I love you Charley!

(pull annie right arm down)

Inspector Carter knew I discovered you and he were both embezzling police money, so you hatched a plan to kill me, planting cyanide in my sherry for me to drink.

I've still got the ring, Charley! We can make it work!

Alright it's-- Alright it's--

(appear in window with tape)

The officers are waiting in the hall sir-

(shuffle around)

Downstairs, Florence, downstairs.

(pretend to walk downstairs)

Let us hope we never again see..

(GASP)