LINES DAMN YANKEES

SISTER

JOE: Listen, I don't know what the gag is.

Talking to yourself. So, you've finally flipped your lid. What are you doing out there talking to yourself? In the dark?

JOE: Talking to who?

It's a sign of old age, you know, Joe, talking to yourself.

JOE: It is?

Is anything the matter?

DORIS: We went to the game yesterday- it was ladies' day.

And I must say the hot dogs aren't what they used to be. I had the poorest hot dog yesterday I ever had.

DORIS: We'll see her at bridge club tomorrow.

We just came from our ballet lesson.

DORIS: Aren't you coming?

No, I don't want him. I thought it was Joe Hardy.

DORIS: You'll never get Joe Hardy, they don't let you near him. Look out, here comes Mr. Welch

Who?

WELCH: Of course they are, and we want to cooperate, in every way. That's why I asked you here. But you know sometimes I don't understand you boys.

May I have your autograph please? It's for my niece- she's sick- muscular diathermy.

WELCH:...And then you fellows want to make trouble.

And I'll get Joe Hardy's too.

1ST GIRL: Here comes somebody.

He's nobody.

(...Joe watches her, SISTER appears in center door)

Did you find them?

DORIS: I need those eggs.

Here.

DORIS: Get Meg to come with us

Yes, Megsie, after we finish baking, how about going on the town with us.

MEG: No thanks

Megsie, you might as well face it, Joe is never coming back.

MEG: I like to pretend he is

Well, you got to go on living

MEG: I am living

You know, living life to the full. Now come with us. We're going to the station to see Gregory Peck come in on the train from California.

MEG: I wonder who that could be.

Meg.

MAY SOME DAY ONCE AGAIN BE FOUND

Huh- not here

MEG: He's upstairs. He's going to take it. He's clearing out a couple drawers.

Don't you want us to look over him first? I thought you said...

MEG:...I want you all to meet my friends. This is Mr. Harper, Sister Miller-

Hello there.

DORIS: How do you do.

Isn't it a gorgeous day?

DORIS: Sister.

What?

MEG: ... My gosh- look-money. Well say, you certainly have brought me luck. Look at this, kids I guess Joe left that there and-

You're Joe Hardy aren't you?

JOE: I guess I am.

It's Joe Hardy, Meg. Not Mr. Harper. It's Joe Hardy. He's the greatest baseball player- oh my goodness. I'm flabbergasted. Oh gee, Joe Hardy. May I have your autograph?

DORIS: You don't know what's happened to you Meg, he's a hero.

We saw the game and that home run you made in the seventh, was that an inside pitch? Was he trying to loosen you up? Oh yes, and that wonderful double play in the third. Did you hurt your hand?

JOE: I'll be right in.

What is it?

MEG: Oh. I'm no much of a judge of character. That's what my husband always said.

We're going to fix your room up with a lot of Joe's old baseball pictures, Mr. Hardy.

MEG: My husband's a great fan- you know.

Oh, a fanatic. Every night in front of the television set you would see that big fat slob sitting there.

SECOND GIRL: Come on Cleveland

Miss Weston, every fan club got to rehearse but us.

MISS WESTON: All right, you may have the stage but don't take too long.

Put down the sign, Jack

FIRST GIRL: Don't I get to carry it?

Not while we're singing.

BOY: What about our costumes?

Later. Now line up. It's a big honor that we're in this show and we want to do well. The Chevy Chase Fan Club is grateful to you, Joe, because you taught us this big lesson.

DORIS: We're with Mrs. Boyd.

Take your hands off me, you Republican.

MEG: We've decided that we should speak up.

We're material witnesses.

MEG: We'll like to take the stand and testify.

We'll take the oath or anything.

MEG: You see, at first we didn't remember Joe, and then when I remembered him and I reminded the girls, then pretty soon they remembered him too.

Hello there Joe. My, I just hardly know you now you've grown up so.

WELCH: You knew him?

We picked huckleberries together.

DORIS: I think it's crazy.

We'll be perfectly comfortable, we're ready for anything.

DORIS: Sleeping with a lot of men.

That's a crude way to put it, Doris- sleeping in line with a lot of men would be more refined. OH. Gosh!

DORIS: Suppose some strange man tries to talk to us.

That would be nice. But wouldn't it be better with two strange men- one for you, too.

DORIS: A pick-up!

Doris, you make me sick, you're always saying we should live, and now we have a chance for a little social interaction and you want to back out.

DORIS: I want to live, but in the daytime

Some of the best living is done at night, believe me.

LOWE: Those dames from Hannibal sure told them. Those three old ladies ought to get a medal.

Old ladies. Oh, well, it doesn't matter.

DORIS: It's what we get for lying

A little white lie for an important thing like the pennant is nothing to be ashamed of.

DORIS: No, I suppose not.

Because if we lose, I'm going to kill myself!