Love, actually final memorization points

four basic elements common to all forms of love

Care - active concern for growth and life of other

responsibility - responding to others needs (unspoken or spoken)

respect - seeing the other as they truly are, preserving autonomy

knowledge - deep sense of understanding of the other (through active engagement

characteristics of orgiastic experience according to Fromm

• intense sometimes violent

• involves whole personality

• transitory and periodic, not permanent

symbiotic union vs mature love (Fromm)

• Symbiotic union: One person loses self or dominates the other (mother–fetus model)

• Mature love: Union with preservation of integrity of both partners

Define masochism and sadism in Fromm’s theory

• Masochism: Escaping loneliness by becoming part of another person

• Sadism: Escaping loneliness by making another person part of oneself through domination

• Neither is love because both destroy autonomy

overcoming narcisism

• Reason – thinking objectively, beyond bias

• Humility – emotional openness to not being the center

• Objectivity – seeing others as they are

• Rational faith – belief grounded in lived experience

• Courage – willingness to risk uncertainty

Mary Ainsworth attachment styles

• Secure: Comfortable with intimacy, empathetic, stable relationships

• Avoidant: Emotionally distant, avoids closeness, self-reliant

• Anxious/Ambivalent: Insecure, clingy, controlling, fears abandonment

• Disorganized/Reactive: Chaotic, explosive, distrustful, trauma-linked

Erotic desire according to Paz requires what three things

• Freedom

• Imagination

• Mutual recognition

Evolutionary pros and cons

• “Evolutionary psychology explains mating patterns well, but often mistakes historical constraints for innate preferences.”

• “The standard narrative of male and female mate choice overstates biological difference and underestimates social change.”

Dan Siegel 4 characteristics of adolescent development

• novelty/thrill seeking

• increased emotional intensity

• creative exploration

• increased social engagement

Erik Erikson stages

• 8 stages of total development

Desire (ether perel)

• to Own the wanting

• connected to self-worth

• need to know yourself before you give a part of yourself

Erotic intelligence (ether perel)

a couples ability to reinvent themselves on location and create something new. Change is necessary for desire long term

Stephen Mitchell Strange loops

• bodys and minds are inseparable dimensions of sexual experience

• messiness in us at risk of being exposed

friends with benefits

• true friends

• just sex

• network oppertunism

• successful transfer in

• unintentional transfer in

• failed transition in

• transition out (ex-sex)

Paradox of choice - maximizers vs satisfiers

• Maximizers: people who are always looking for the very best option

  • Usually Maximizers do end up getting better jobs / higher pay, but they’re never

    satisfied

• Satisfiers: people looking for the ‘good enough’ option

  • Satisfiers end up much happier w/ their choice

Ether perel human 2 needs to reconcile

• Need for security/safety/dependability/permanence

• Need for adventure/novelty/mystery/risk/surprise

Esther perel when most drawn to partner? 3

• When apart - imagination rooted in absence and longing, distance makes the heart grow fonder

• When he/she is radiant, confident, self-sustaining, in his/her element, holding court

• When surprised; when laughing; when there’s novelty (e.g., tuxedo or cowboy boots)

Esther perel - play

• Play is when risk is fun

• You can’t play when you are in a situation of danger, anxiety, or contraction

• You have you feel safe in order to play

• If you do not play, you won’t experience the erotic

Esther Perel - Passion

• passion is like the moon has phases

• permanent state of passion is impossible