Drugs Are Bad - Mom

Brad: Mom? Dad? What’s wrong?

Have a seat, son. (Brad sits.) Your father came home from work early today…because I came across something that concerns all of us.

Brad: What is it?

A few hours ago, I was looking for something in your room, and I---Harold?

Brad: Look, I don’t wanna---I don’t wanna talk about it.

Answer your father, Bradley.

Dad: *Are* you?

Brad: Yes.

*Begin weeping*

Dad: I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to say. I’m besides myself here.

Where were you today?

Brad: What do you mean?

I want to know where you were. You told me last night that you would play hooky today.

Brad: I know, I just---

You just what?! You thought it would be *fun* to *learn* instead?!

Dad: What’s this? *Simon and Garfunkel*?

Who?

Brad: Dad, c’mon. Stop it.

(*Taking the magazine:*) Let me see that. Molecular Systematics? What in God’s name is Molecular Systematics?

Brad: I---I only read the articles.

But---What about all the pictures?

Dad: Oh, it looks just like what I think. “Milk.” This is the latest craze Dr. Dubin was telling us about that’s been all over the schools? Filled with “vitamins” and “minerals”…

What is this son?! What is going on? Do you want strong bones and teeth? Is that what you want?!

Brad: I’ve also experimented with…

Dad: What?

Brad: Fat-free.

No…

Dad: You don’t…*like* those things?

Brad: No.

Not even a little?

Brad: …All working…really hard…to support their families. I just---I just wanted to do something like that, too. I couldn’t help it.

If Bobby Sanders was helping an old woman across the street, would you do it, too?

Brad: Yeah, well, at least I’m not a Boy Scout!

(*Silence*)

That’s right, Dad. I know all about your little secret.

What are you talking about…?

Brad: Oh, he hasn’t told you? Dad here? He used to earn merit badges…for *merit*.

Do not say such things about your father, Bradley.

Brad:…I ran into an old box of things from when he was a kid. Some pretty eye-opening stuff in there, Dad. Including your old Scout vest.

That isn’t true. It’s not true. Harold?

Dad: You shouldn’t have opened that box.

What?

Dad: That was private.

I don’t believe this…

Dad: It was a rough time in my life.

A Boy Scout?! You mean to tell me you did community service? Voluntarily?

Dad: I was eight years old, Delores, I wasn’t thinking. You remember what it was like back then---it was the 70s.

Great. So what’s going to happen now? Our son will think, “Well, my dad sold Boy Scout Cookies, so---

Dad: (*Overlapping:*) We didn’t sell cookies.

\---maybe I’ll up and join the Peace Corps.

Dad: It’s not like---

You’re becoming one terrific role model for our son.

Dad: We all make mistakes, all right? These things happen!

Not to everyone.

Dad: Oh yeah…? Miss Soup Kitchen?

(*Silence.*)

I thought we agreed to forget about that.

Brad: Mom?

Dad: I’m sorry.

Brad: You worked in a soup kitchen?

You swore you’d never bring that up again.

Dad: It was…out of line.

You *swore* to me…

Dad:…When I found your mother in that soup kitchen, I knew it was my duty to save her from that…that…despicable place, and bring her back to the lifestyle where she and I both belong: producing, directing and starring in adult films.

He’s right. You can’t live your life following the rules and helping those in need. Sure, it may be what’s all the rage these days, but it’s just not right. Don’t forget that there’s sex *and* drugs *AND* rock & roll. All three. Yours for the taking, if you’ll just reach for it. *Reach* for it, Bradley.

Brad: See this? It’s a scholarship. Full-ride to Princeton. That’s right. I’m quitting my rebellious punk band, and I’m going to college.

Absolutely not! I *forbid* you to succeed!

Brad: And if I decide to pursue a degree in corporate finance, then that’s just the way it goes. Good bye!

(*Brad storms out*).

And I’m taking Susan with me!

Susan?! That prude wears turtleneck sweaters! She leaves everything to the imagination!

Dad: honey, please. It’s over. He’s gone.

I guess you’re right.

Dad: Our son. Going to an ivy league college.

It’s a scary, scary thought.

Dad: Dating a wholesome young woman.

I know…

(*Silence*)

We’re the greatest parents that ever lived, aren’t we?

Dad: Oh yeah.

*(Pick up bottles of milk and clink them together in toast fashion.)*