PR Barriers to Effective Empathy

Listener or Funeral Director Dominance

May be exhibited by: impatience (finishing sentences); changing the subject; lecturing or preaching; unsolicited advice ("this is what you should do"); wordy paraphrases (paraphrases should be short); THESE SHIFT FROM WHAT THE BEREAVED IS SAYING TO A FOCUS ON YOU

Bombarding with Questions

May be exhibited by: too many direct questions; interest in facts, not feelings; overlapping questions (asking a question before person answers first question); double-barreled questions (asking two things at the same time; ex. "do you want FLOWERS AND MUSIC at the funeral?") ASK QUESTIONS ONE AT A TIME

Inappropriate Self-disclosure

May be exhibited by: Disclosing a personal loss prematurely, i.e., before building a relationship; FOCUS IS ON YOUR LOSS, NOT THE BEREAVED'S LOSS; shifts focus away from bereaved person and to caregiver; SELF-DISCLOSURE HAS TO BE WELL TIMED

Discouraging Expression of Emotion

May be exhibited by: "Tears won't bring him back"; "He wouldn't want you to cry"; pushing tissues (don't push tissues toward them or hold tissue box); hugging (may have negative effect on people you don't know; indication that the person should stop crying); changing the subject (shifting to a lighter subject/topic; "tell me about his hobbies"

Emotional Distancing

May be exhibited by: Aloofness and literal detachment (opposite of warmth and caring); avoiding discussion of painful issues

Offering Platitudes or False REassurance

May be exhibited by: CLICHES: trite or commonplace expressions which are often overused and worn out

Cliches

trite or commonplace expressions which are often overused and worn out

Concern over cliches may lead to:

ABANDONMENT, which is much worse (people not suping mut for bereaved family/person); attempt to memorize what to say/not to say in advance; interferes with being present and responding to someone (don't be in your head, be present with the bereaved)

Categories of Cliches

Cliches attempting to minimize the loss; cliches admonishing the survivor not to feel; cliches moving the survivor toward the future

Cliches attempting to minimize the loss

"you are young, you can get married again"; "At least you had a good, long marriage"; "You can always have another baby."; "At least you have other children."; "S/he lived a long, full life."; "S/he is in a better place."; "It was meant to be.; THESE SEEM TO SUGGEST THAT THE LOSS WAS NOT AN IMPORTANT ONE OR THAT THE DECEASED CAN BE REPLACED; EVEN THOUGH SURVIORS MAY BE GRATEFUL FOR A LONG LIFE OR MARRAIGE, THIS ALSO MEANS THAT THERE ARE MANY YEARS AND MEMORIES TO GRIEVE

Cliches admonishing the survivor not feel

"Be strong"; "You need to be strong for your __________." ; "Don't be upset."; "It was God's will."; "Keep busy."; "Count your blessings."; "Other people are worse off than you."; THESE SEEM TO SUGGEST THAT IT ISN'T HEALTHY OR HELPFUL FOR BEREAVED PERSONS TO EXPERIENCE THEIR GRIEF AND THAT THEY SHOULD FOCUS ON THE POSITIVE; IN REALITY, EXPERIENCING THE PAIN AND EMOTIONS OF GRIEF IS THE ONLY WAY TO HEAL FROM THE LOSS

Cliches moving the survivor toward the future

"Time will heal."; "Things will get back to normal."; "You should be over this by now."; "Get on with your life."; THESE SUGGEST THAT THE SURVIVOR SHOULD FOCUS ON SOME IMAGINED POINT IN THE FUTURE; EARLY IN BEREAVEMENT, A PERSON EXPERIENCING SIGNIFICANT LOSS CAN BARELY IMAGINE SURVIVING ANOTHER DAY, ANOTHER WEEK, ETC., MUCH LESS IMAGINE SOME TIME WELL IN THE FUTURE

These statements reflect GREATER EMPATHY

"This must be very difficult for you."; "I can't imagine how difficult this must be."; "You must hurt terribly."; "That must be incredibly painful."; "How can I be of help?"; "You don't need to go through this alone."; "I don't know how to tell you how badly I feel about your loss."; "What can I do for you."; "I'm here."; "I'll listen."; "I care about you."; "I'm so sorry."; Tell me about your ____________ (spouse, child, etc.) ALWAYS USE THE PERSONS NAME

If you knew the person who died

"I'll miss him/her too."; "We shared so many good times."; Share your specific memories of the deceased; Or, share something you especially appreciated about him/her

If you did not know the deceased personally

Mention something the survivor may have shared, for example, "You often spoke about his great sense of humor."; Or "I could always sense that you were close."