miller chapter 17

sacrifices

virtually required to maintain a healthy long-term relationship

highly committed especially likely

effect reverses when the sacrifice poses an existential threat to the relationship

existential threat study

reported on their commitment to the relationship and on their partner’s most important goals

threat manipulation

low: partner pursues will create some conflict unlikely to end relationship

high: pursuit of the goals could plausibly end the relationship

how do people feel about the sacrifices they've made for their relationship

people who are more communally orientated toward partner tend to feel happier more appreciated and more satisfied (sacrifice feeling more authentic)

people feel better about it if it is for approach reasons than avoidance reasons

derogation

they evaluate attractive alternatives as less desirable 

inattention

they shift their attention away from attractive alternatives

dating service study

1989, commitment to their current partner then value a potential new partner who was either moderately or highly appealing

highly appealing partner should trigger derogation

motivated inattention study 

hetero newlyweds perform computer task that measured how quickly they disengage attention from photos of people

slower disengagement from photos of attractive other sex predicted infidelity in the first 3 years of marriage

100ms faster predicted a 50% reduction in infidelity likelihood

idealization

correlation between A’s ratings of B and A’s ratings of their ideal partner

is better for general qualities, easy to interpret a broad range of behavior as consistent with it

accuracy

correlation between A’s ratings of B and B’s ratings of themselves

better for specific qualities because it protects us from disappointment when counterevidence emerges

more for wives than husbands 

memories

think as accurate representations of reality like recording

truth = biased partly to confirm our hopes or expectations

recalled satisfaction study

trust

current level in our partner distorts our memories of his/her transgressions against us

our this does not distort memories of our own transgressions against our partner

Transgression experiences study

over two week, report on each behavior their partner did that upset them and vice versa

end of two weeks they recall as accurately as they could how many transgression had occurred how the victim felt about those transgressions

Gendered Expectations

Men are encouraged to be assertive/self-reliant, but not tender, limiting long-term partner appeal.

Low Self-Esteem

Can cause self-sabotage and false perceptions of rejection in relationships.

Proximity and Familiarity

Shape who we form relationships with, influencing initial interest.

Physical Attractiveness

Heavily influences initial interest in potential partners.

Communication Misfires

Common occurrences where intended messages are not received as meant.

Negative Interactions

Carry more weight than positive ones in relationships.

Passionate Love

Declines over time, though it motivates marriage.

Intimacy Struggles

About one-third of people struggle with intimacy due to attachment insecurities.

Willingness to Sacrifice

Committed partners accept sacrifices for the relationship's good.

Cognitive Interdependence

Partners view themselves as part of a unified "we" rather than two separate individuals.

Positive Illusions

Partners idealize each other and see faults as trivial or temporary.

Derogation of Tempting Alternatives

Committed partners rate attractive rivals as less desirable.

Accommodation

Choosing patience and constructive responses over retaliation when provoked.

Michelangelo Phenomenon

Partners encourage each other's growth towards becoming their ideal selves.

Infidelity Consequences

Greatly increases chances of divorce or breakup.

Positive Maintenance Strategies

Behaviors like positivity, openness, and assurances enhance relationship intimacy.

Preventive Maintenance

Couples can benefit from relationship maintenance before problems start.

Types of Marital Therapy

Includes Traditional Behavioral, Cognitive-Behavioral, Integrative Behavioral, Emotionally Focused, and Insight-Oriented therapies.

Effective Communication

Involves sharing thoughts and encouraging partner's self-disclosure to enhance intimacy.

Gratitude Practices

Critical for appreciating and maintaining relationship satisfaction.

Self-Control in Relationships

Enables forgiveness, sacrifice, and resistance to temptations.

Marital Therapy Effectiveness

Couples who engage seriously in therapy report reduced dissatisfaction.

How can traditional gendered expectations, particularly for men, hinder the development of long-term partner appeal?

By encouraging traits like assertiveness and self-reliance while discouraging tenderness, these expectations can make men less emotionally available and appealing for deep, lasting connections.

What specific relationship challenges can arise from a partner with low self-esteem?

Challenges include self-sabotaging behaviors and a tendency to misinterpret neutral or positive actions as rejection, leading to insecurity and conflict.

Why are 'proximity' and 'familiarity' considered foundational elements in the initial stages of relationship formation?

They increase the chances of interaction and the 'mere exposure effect,' fostering initial attraction and comfort between individuals.

What is the primary role of 'physical attractiveness' in the early stages of a relationship?

It serves as a strong initial filter for potential partners, heavily influencing the decision to pursue a connection.

What are 'communication misfires' and how do they impact effective communication?

They are instances where the intended message is not accurately received, leading to misunderstandings, frustration, and a breakdown in effective communication.

In relationships, why do 'negative interactions' often have a disproportionately greater impact than positive ones?

Due to negativity bias, negative experiences are more prominent and damaging psychologically, requiring several positive interactions to offset the impact of a single negative one.