SIX Aragon Lines I Should Have Known a Week Ago lmao

Stephanie is not pleased.

EX WIVES

“And tonight, Tyngsborough, WE ARE-”

“Tyngsborough, MAKE SOME NOISE”
“Remember us from PBS?”

SEYMOUR. WE ARE-

ALL. SIX

HOWARD. Ooh Tyngsborough, we’ve got a whole lot in store for you tonight:

ARAGON. We’ve got riffs to ruffle your ruffs: (riff)

PARR. Or as we like to call it… HER-STORY (All laugh)

ARAGON. So obviously you know who we are…*

PARR. An killing it on the keys, we’ve got Joan!*

ARAGON. And with beats so sick they’ll give you gout, IT’S MARIA ON THE DRUMS!!!*

SEYMOUR. Like really really old school… (She laughs at her own joke; awkward) BUT WE’RE NOT HERE TO HAVE FUN

ARAGON. Uh-uh

HOWARD. Cause you see, Tyngsborough, THE PROBLEM IS THERE’S

ALL. SIX

HOWARD. …Of us, and we know you’ve all got your favorite

ARAGON. Yes, everyone always wants to know “who’s the most important wife”?

(Point at self)

PARR. We’ve heard it all:

ARAGON. “Who lasted longest was the strongest”

(Hit pose)

PARR. The winning contestant was the most Protestant (All stare) Protestant…

ARAGON. But tonight we’re going to answer your questions once and for all

Pose sequence

CLEVES. The Queen of the castle (Bam)

SEYMOUR. The rose among the thorns (Bam)

HOWARD. The Thomas Cromwell amongst the royal ministers between 1532 and 1540 (Bam Bam Bam)

ARAGON. But how the purgatory are they going to choose their leading lady?

CLEVES. The Queen for whom it didn’t really go as planned

ALL. SHALL BE THE ONE TO LEAD THE BAND

ALL. SHALL BE THE ONE TO LEAD THE BAND

ARAGON. So what do you think Tyngsborough, are you ready to choose your leading lady?

HOWARD. We said are you READDYYY!!!

EX-WIVES REPRISE

POST EX-WIVES REPRISE / NO WAY INTRO

ARAGON. But there’s only one you need to hear from tonight. Tyngsborough, I’m about to win this competition. Maria!* Gimme a beat.

Snap fingers

PRE- NO WAY

ARAGON MONOLOGUE.

Mm-hmm, muy bien.

So… since I arrived in England, let’s just say my faith has been tested on more than one occasion.

First things first, I’m shipped over from Spain on the night of my Sweet Sixteen to marry… some prince called Arthur. And I’m like, OKAY

Then Arthur dies, so naturally I’m imprisoned for seven years. Really helps with the grieving process, ya know. But still, I’m like OKAY

But thank god, they rescued me just in time to marry… PRINCE HENRY— my dead husband’s brother… OKAY…

…so I’m thinking, “bit weird”. But if you’d seen him back in the summer of 09’ let me tell you he was… OK

Crouch, to audience member

So seven years later

We’re still trying for an heir

But we’re not having much luck

And I’m like… OKAY

Then he starts coming home late

“I was just out with my ministers”

But there’s lipstick on his ruff

And I’m like, OKAY

“I’m watching you” gesture

Suddenly he wants to annul our marriage

Move his side chick into my palace

And move me into a convent

NOW. (Click)

I don’t think I’d look that good in a wimple.

So I’m like… NO WAY

DONDE ESTA MY CROWN

ARAGON. So clearly I had the most to deal with from the King. And I hit that top C so… like Donde esta my Crown. Por Favor.

HOWARD. Wait, hang on a sec. Who was that other one?

ARAGON. I think you’re thinking of me.

SEYMOUR. No, there was definitely a really important one

ARAGON. Still me

THE ONE YOU’VE BEEN WAITING FOR

ALL. THE ONE YOU’VE BEEN WAITING FOR

ARAGON + OTHERS. THE ONE WHO CHANGED HIST’RY

ALL. THE TEMPTRESS

ARAGON. The one with the plan. The plan to steal the man

ALL. ANNE

POST WEARING YELLOW TO A FUNERAL

PARR. She wants another turn?

ARAGON. Over my dead body…

HOWARD. Yeah, weren’t you “the only one he truly loved”?

ARAGON. Yeah, didn’t you give him the son he so desperately wanted?

HAUS OF HOLBEIN

ALL. HANS. HOLEVEIN.

ARAGON. PAINTING ALL OF THE BEAUTIFUL GIRLS

ALL. THE KING CHOOSES ONE

ARAGON. YOU BRING THE CORSETS

ARAGON. WE KNOW WHAT ALL THE BEST INVENTIONS ARE TO HOLD EV’RYTHING UP

POST HOLBEIN

ARAGON. The time has come for you to select a bride, your highness

PARR. “Just a German girl trying to live the English dream #NoCatholics #BigDowry” (Swipes) Nein? Alles klar.

ARAGON. Who’s next?

BOELYN. Ah! Fantastich!

ARAGON. Wunderbar!

SEYMOUR. Super cool!

(They break the conference)

ARAGON. Your highness, your highness, your highness: we are honored to present to you: Anna of Cleves.

PARR. And let me assure you, Herr Holbein has certainly done her justice (Swipes right)

ARAGON. Ah! Sehr Gut! And I think we can say with some certainty that you will be happily married for many years to come

SEGUE INTO GET DOWN
SEYMOUR. Oh no need to thank us, THE PLEASURE HAS BEEN OURS

ALL. IN THE HAUS OF HOLBEIN

POST GET DOWN

CLEVES. So yeah, it was really heartbreaking

ARAGON. Er that doesn’t sound difficult at all?

BOELYN. Wow yeah, kind of like how my body had to deal with the loss of it’s head

ARAGON. Queens, come on now. Can’t you see what’s happening? Comparing your losses will do nothing to change that fact that I’ve already won. I mean- I was literally shipped over to England from a foreign country not knowing a word of English to marry some random dude

CLEVES. Oh my god same!

ARAGON. Okay fine, but when Henry decided he’d had enough of me, he didn’t even have the decency to say goodbye

BOELYN. Oh yeah, same. Nice neck by the way (high five)

ARAGON. Alright, fine. How about this. When my only child had a raging fever, Henry wouldn’t even le me, her mother see her…

CLEVES. GUYS I HAVE THE PLAGUE

ALL. What?

CLEVES. Lol just kidding my life’s amazing

ALL. Ugh (Adlib: Jesus Cristo)

BOELYN. (To side) Babe, who’s that again?

ARAGON. Ohh um… I think… she’s the least relevant Catherine?

HAWARD. Haha. Funny

ARAGPON. Yeah speaking of funny, good luck trying to compete with us honey (Bam)

POST ALL YOU WANNA DO

HOWARD. …Tyngsborough you’ve been amazing, safe travels home, thank you etc.

OTHERS. (Wait just one second / whoa whoa whoa / stop! stop! etc.)

All swarm, try to stop the show from closing

BOELYN. Jane, chill out. It’s not her fault that no one remembers her plain and uneventful life. (To Howard) Babes, honestly, I don’t want it to be weird between us just because my beheading was the result of years of actual trauma and humiliation…

ARAGON. Oh pipe down Anne Boe- Loser. You seriously want to talk about humiliation? Okay well, when I was Queen, Henry had not one (Bam) not two (Bam) but three historically confirmed mistresses! (Bam Bam Bam)

PARR. Don’t you all think this has gone a bit too / far?

(Rabble)

OTHERS. Ooooooh

HOWARD. Ooh I’m Catherine Parr and I draw the line in arbitrary places blah blah blah

ARAGON. You know what Queens? She just knows she’s not gonna win

OTHERS. (Slow claps) Well played Catherine / How noble / Such a gal, etc

BOELYN. …My sixth finger

ARAGON. Put it away babe

PARR. (To audience) …Anyone?

OTHERS. No idea / beats me / Hmm idk

PARR. Who was Henry the seventh’s (VII) wife?

ALL. I don’t know

PARR. And who was henry the fifth’s (V) wife?

OTHERS. I don’t know

HOWARD. Catherine de Valois, I mean I don’t know

PARR. The point is, the only reason any of the people have come here tonight is because once upon a time…

ARAGON. …the same guy fell in love with us

HOWARD. But wait, isn’t there a bigger problem here?

ARAGON. The dissolution of the monasteries

HOWARD. And when we’re the “six wives of Henry VIII”, we each become just that:

ARAGON. “One of” his wives.

PARR. One of

ALL (Despondently). SIX

SEYMOUR. What a waste of time

ARAGON. Well, I guess there’s nothing we can do about it now

HOWARD. I wish that like before we spent the whole show competing we would have realized that it would become such a mess

OTHERS. Yeah same / Hmm yeah / that would have been good

PARR. Yeah cos if we had realized, then we could have just done something else… like maybe even a fake competition to show everyone how messed up comparing us is

ARAGON. Ugh yeah, and then we could have found a cool way to like, I don’t know, “reclaim our stories” and like “all become the leading ladies”

I DON’T NEED YOUR LOVE

PARR. THIS IS THE

ALL. REMIX

ARAGON. SO WE HAD NO CHOICE?

CLEVES. And you know what — we might just be remembered for being married to the same man—-

ARAGON. By what does anybody give a SHH who he is?

SEYMOUR. His religious reforms?

ARAGON. Well actually—

HOWARD. It’s not the time Catherine

PARR. Or do you think it might be— I don’t know— because of his:

ALL. SI—IIX WIIIIVES (Big fancy drums)

SIX

BOELYN. WE’RE FREE

ARAGON. TO TAKE OUR CROWNING GLORY

THE MEGASIX
HOWARD. Alright! Maria, hit it!

ARAGON. Stay on your feet, Tyngsborough!

ARAGON. And it’s Senorita Maria!