Chp. 9: Singlehood and Cohabitation

Attachment Theory

Primary internal motivations for seeking out committed romantic relationship is adults typically desire forming committed romantic relationships w/ other adults

• singles are missing out on some kind of attachment

Feminist Theory

Doesn’t view experience of being single as evidence of some deficiency or injury

• differentiate between loneliness and intentional singlehood

Ambiguous Loss Theory

Loss of emotional connection when a person’s physical presence remains but an emotional connection remains. Doesn’t have resolution or closure.

• find person to settle down w/ that doesn’t end up working

• someone who comes back but isn’t the same/doesn’t come back at all (i.e., 9/11, war, etc.)

Myths about singles

• all singles, especially women, want to be coupled

• singles are miserably lonely, bitter, and envious of couples friends

• women will regret not having married or having families. Portrayed as either sexual deprived or promiscuous

• single men portrayed as threatening, irresponsible, sexually obsessed, or gay

• lack partner and therefore lack purpose

• married people w/ families deserve special benefits

Realities of Singles

• varies by race and ethnicity

• women make up about 53% of all unmarried people in US

• more common than ever to be unmarried

• unmarried people receive discrimination

• never married singles fair better than widowed, separated, or divorced people and not far behind married women

Never Married Singles

• largest group of singles in the US

• delayed marriage (older age and waiting)

• increase in expanded educational, lifestyle, and employment options open to women

• fear of divorce and consequences of divorce

• more liberal social and sexual standards

• uneven ration of unmarried men to unmarried women

• more financial independence

• reduced need to marry

Variations in unmarried people

depends on:

intention - whether they want to be married vs. unmarried

anticipated duration - how long they will be unmarried

Voluntarily and Temporarily Unmarried

Not actively seeking marital partners, but they remain open to the idea of marriage and possibly even expecting to someday marry

Involuntarily and temporarily unmarried

Would prefer to be married and are actively and consciously seeking marital partners

Voluntarily and permanently unmarried

Individuals who regard themselves as permanently single and are resolved to remain so. Prefer to be single and do not intend to marry

Involuntarily unmarried

Might wish to be married but are unable to find a partner. Become resigned to remaining unmarried

Singlism

Stereotyping, discrimination, and negative, dismissive treatment towards single people

Matrimania

Glorifying of couples, especially married couples. Over the top hyping of marriage and coupling

Being a Healthy Single

• have supportive relationships and social circles

• develop meaningful life (have hobbies that you have time for)

• okay to be unpartnered short or long term - good time to develop yourself

• deal with external pressure

Cohabitation

Unmarried couple living together in a committed relationship

• has increased across all SES, age, racial groups

• part of culture now

Why has cohabitation increased?

• more openness about sexuality (premarital sex is more acceptable)

• meaning of marriage has changed

• people are marrying later

• women are less economically dependent on marriage

Same Sex/gender cohabitation

• very common for same-sex/gender couples

• more likely to be interracial

• household tend to be younger than heterosexual couples

3 typologies of cohabitors:

• types of cohabitation

• purpose of cohabitation

• time-based decisions

Types of Cohabitation

• trial marriage: assess compatibility

• precursor to marriage: partners plan to marry in the future (step before engagement or marriage)

• substitute for marriage: no intention to marry

• coresidential dating: serious partner, no thoughts about if/when of marriage

Purpose of Cohabitation

• prelude to marriage: cohabitation as a testing ground

• stage in marriage process: both partners intend to marry later

• alternative to singlehood: living together as dating couples

• alternative to marriage: living together with no intention to marry

• indistinguishable from marriage: indifference to marriage

Time-Based Decisions

• accelerated cohabitants: decided to move in together quickly

• tentative cohabitants: more thoughtfully entered but usually attached to “residential challenges” that encourage move in

• purposeful delayer: in-depth process that usually includes discussions on finances and deciding if this is best option

Cohabitation vs. Marriage: Commitments

• cohabitation - lower commitment

• higher rate of infidelity in cohabitors

• higher break-up rate for cohabitors

• different values (wanting marriage may be more religious)

Cohabitation vs. Marriage: Sex

• married people have more fulfilling sex

• more sexual infidelity among cohabitors

Cohabitation vs. Marriage: Finances

• cohabitors commonly have separated finances

• finances can be more unpredictable for cohabitors

Cohabitation vs. Marriage: Children

• married couples less likely to divorce

• children of cohabiting couples go through more transitions (moves and break-ups)

Cohabitation vs. Marriage: Health and Mortality

• married people have better health than cohabitors

• cohabitors have better health than separated, divorced, widowed, or never-married

• intimate partner violence (IPV) more common for cohabiting couples

Cohabitation vs. Marriage: Work

• often no expectations for man to support partner in cohabiting relationships

Cohabitation vs. Marriage: Legal Issues

• cohabitors have no visitation rights, survivors benefits, insurance, legal protections, tax benefits, etc.

Cohabitation before marriage

• no research shows cohabitation is good practice for later marriage

• marriages previously cohabited had several negative effects (worse communication, lower satisfaction, lower male commitment, greater likelihood of divorce)

• difficult to explain why (cohabitation or individual qualities)

Common Law Marriage

If you live together as a couple long enough, some states declare you as…

• right to spousal support and equitable division of property if relationship ended

Domestic Partners

Cohabiting couples in committed relationships

Healthy Cohabiting Relationships

• making decisions about beginning cohabitation (make intentional decisions)

• discussion before moving in together about expectations, roles, plans, finances, etc.

• all good communication and conflict resolution skills

Serial Cohabitation

individuals have cohabited with more than one partner

• has problematic outcomes