Morticia lines

Gomez: Come to me, my beautiful wife - oh she of skin so pale, eyes so black, hair so long - and tell us what it is every Addams hopes for!

Darkness and grief and unspeakable sorrow.

Gomez: Mi amor!

Will you love me for ever and ever?

Gomez: We shall be as besotted with each other as the night we met!

Our first date! You took me to see -

Gomez: Death of a Salesman.

How we laughed!

Gomez: Ow! Darn your lightning reflexes!

Gomez, look.

Gomez: Ugh! Flowers! Who would send something so tasteless?

The most precious gift there is,

more goody-licious than gold,

is that blessing we call friendship,

whether new or very old.

Gomez: "Goody-licious?" Who talks like this?

The Beinekes. Wednesday's friend Lucas and his parents. They're coming for dinner tonight.

Gomez: Lucas?

Yes.

Gomez: But Lucas is a boy's name.

Yes.

Gomez: Wednesday has a friend who's a boy?

It's nothing, darling. Puppy love. Put these in water.

Wednesday: Mom, dad, I shot dinner.

Oh, Wednesday, that's lovely. Wherever did you find it?

Wednesday: Petting zoo.

Thank you, dear. Come, Lurch - guests for dinner! Fresh meat!

Gomez: Yes, yes. Our little secret. Wednesday, you are growing up so quickly. You'll be Thursday before I know it! Now run along.

What's wrong with Wednesday?

Gomez: What do you mean?

She's smiling. Maybe it's this boy.

Gomez: This boy? Don't be silly. Ha! I say. And double ha! Ha-ha!

Hm.

Gomez: Yes, but what if - and I have no reason to say this - what if she did meet someone who stole her heart?

Don't be silly. When that happens, I'll be the first to know. Wednesday tells me everything. Just like you do. Gomez, you do tell me everything, don't you?

Gomez: Of course!

I think Wednesday and I should have a little chat.

PULLED finishes

I was right! It is the boy -

Gomez: Yes, but I don't think it's such a big - it's her time to be out in the world!

Are you out of your mind? Now stop prattling and go tell her the dinner is cancelled.

Gomez: But, cara -

You're the father. The father is the canceller. And if after 25 years of marriage you can't do this one thing for me, then I just don't know what!

Wednesday: Okay. And then they'll want to see the house, and then at eight, we'll have dinner and they can be back at their hotel by nine thirty.

Wednesday, your father has something to tell you.

Wednesday: Thank you, daddy!

Well, it seems I've been outvoted. So - dinner it is. Drinks, dinner, and then, The Game.

Gomez: Welcome to our extremely normal home. Gomez Florencia Addams, at your service. Allow me to present my wife, la duena, mother of my children… the love of my life - Morticia!

Sorry I'm late. I was putting the apple pie on the window sill to cool.

Gomez: That's my little woman.

So very pleased. Mr. Beineke…

Mal: Mrs. Addams-

Mrs. Beineke…

Alice: Alice.

Alice. And you must be Lucas. What a lovely name.

Mal: They don't need to know that!

No, no. It's a beautiful story. Wednesday has a cousin who swallowed his tongue. Stare into distance

Wednesday: Thank you, mother. Hi, I'm Wednesday.

What are you wearing?

Gomez: Paloma, what happened? You look like a crime scene.

Will you excuse us for a moment? I won't have that color in my house.

Wednesday: I'm just being normal, ok?

Darling, we don't wear bright colors. Bright colors are for people with no inner life and no imagination. Oh look. It's everywhere.

Wednesday: You say that like its a bad thing. It's just a simple dinner. What could go wrong? Come on.

Children, you're excused.

Gomez: Married? Of course not. Cara, how ‘bout a grand tour for the missus before dinner.

Of course. And after dinner - The Game!

Alice: Did you get the flowers?

Oh yes. And the lovely poem. Wherever did you find it?

Alice: I wrote it.

No!

Alice: When I'm depressed or feeling blessed,

A poem will get it off my chest.

They come to me, they take no time,

They just pop out, and always rhyme.

Maybe you should see someone about that.

Alice: And they're always about the one thing everyone needs and so few have!

Healthcare?

BUT LOVE REPRISE finishes

And in here is the Family Portrait Hall. This is Cousin Helga from Baden-Baden.

Alice: Who's that looking over her shoulder?

Oh, no. That's her other head.

Alice: She has two heads?

Well, you know what they say.

Alice: Oh, is that your wedding?

Oh yes! I still remember our wedding vows…

Alice: That's so romantic.

We promised to tell each other everything.

Alice: Everything?

Of course.

Alice: Boy, it sure doesn't work that way in our house.

How does it work?

Alice: Well…

What's good for the gander is a nice quiet goose;

if I told Mal my secrets, all heck would break loose.

Alice, I'm shocked. What kind of marriage is it where you keep secrets?

Wednesday: Daddy, you promised after dinner.

What were the three of you whispering about?

Lucas: No, sir.

Gomez. What's going on?

Gomez: Nothing. We were just talking.

That wasn't talking, that was conspiring. You're keeping something from me.

Gomez: May lightning strike me where I stand if I am keeping anything from you now.

That it should come to this. I'll be in my room until you're ready to share, like a proper husband.

Gomez: Another magnificent feast - all thanks to my fabulous lady wife, from whom I keep nothing.

Thank you, dear. And now it's time to play The Game.

Alice: What kind of game?

Full Disclosure.

Gomez: Everyone sips from the sacred family chalice -

-and confesses a secret they've never told anyone. And you have to absolutely tell the truth.

Mal: Sure you would.

And now Gomez will break the ice. My husband has something he needs to disclose.

Gomez: No, the host goes last.

Lurch, the sacred chalice!

Gomez: Once there was a man who had a beautiful wife and two beautiful children. A humble man who treasured his wife, and worshipped the ground she walked on. And everyone lived happily ever after. Thank you. Full disclosure.

Well, we'll just have to come back to you, won't we?

Fester: I - am in love!

Awww! Oh Fester - who is it?

Fester: Oh, I haven't told her yet.

Awww!

SINGING: And call it full disclosure!

Wednesday's turn!

Grandma: Full Disclo… Full Disclo… I just peed.

We should have put you down years ago. All right. Wednesday's turn.

Wednesday: Not yet. Daddy, talk to her.

Wednesday. Your turn. The chalice please. Where's the chalice?

Wednesday: You were right, Lucas.

Right about what?

Wednesday: Thanks anyway, Daddy.

Thanks for what??

Wednesday: We should have just told her.

Told me what???

Ancestors: Married? (First time)

What?!

Ancestors: Married? (Second time)

That's what you kept from me?

ACT TWO BEGINS

Humiliated! Shamed! Mortified!

Gomez: Cara, my sweet, my only-

I told that Beineke woman we kept nothing from each other.

Gomez: Wednesday wasn't sure about the boy and didn't want to worry you.

Oh, so you didn't dare tell me, because I'm such a horrible mother.

Gomez: You're a wonderful mother.

And look at the thanks I get. I gave up my dreams for the sake of this family. I wanted to travel. I wanted to see Paris! I never saw the sewers of Paris! And now it'll never happen!

Gomez: Cara -

So that's how it ends… alone and forgotten in a tiny room, living on cat food and broken dreams - that's what happens to mothers. Look at yours. She came for the weekend, the weeks turned into months, it's twelve years later and she's still up there living in our attic. Well, I'm not going to end up like your mother.

Gomez: My mother? I thought she was your mother. No, seriously.

You lied to me, I can't live with that. Get out!

CRAZIER THAN YOU finishes

What's wrong, my little cockroach?

Pugsley: I can't sleep.

Why not?

Pugsley: There's no monster in the closet.

I'm sure he's hiding someplace else.

Pugsley: Mommy… I have a Full Disclosure.

Yes?

Pugsley: What if you tried to do something to somebody and you ended up doing it to somebody else by mistake?

Are we talking about anyone we know?

Pugsley: Well, I was talking to Grandma before, and she told me -

Don't even listen to that ancient woman. She many not even be a part of this family.

Pugsley: Is Wednesday really gonna marry that guy?

She might.

Pugsley: Oh no! Make me feel better, Mommy.

Life is a tightrope, my child, and at the other end is your coffin. Better?

Pugsley: Uh-huh. Thanks, Mommy.

Now go back to bed or the monster won't come out and eat you up. Sleep well, my little vermin. Your mommy's life has fallen apart and she needs to go away for a while. And if you miss me, you can thank your father!

Fester: It's the end of the family! Fix it!

I can't live with a man who keeps secrets. Put these in the hearse.

Gomez: There's another secret I haven't told you.

Hunh. What?

Gomez: That you are the most exquisite, the most magnificent, the most desirable of all women.

That's no secret.

Gomez: Many years ago, when you loved me and you wanted to marry me, we came to your father and told him, and he said, "Wonderful, let's go tell your mother." And what did you say?

How could I possibly remember what I -

Gomez: You said, "No! She'll ask a lot of embarrassing questions and wreck the whole thing."

That's different. My mother was condescending, judgemental, and withholding, and loved nothing more that stirring up trouble.

Gomez: Uh huh.

Oh God, I've turned into my mother.

Gomez: And Wednesday is you. Isn't it wonderful?

You did that like a lawyer.

Wednesday: I'm sorry.

You really want to marry this boy?

Wednesday: I do. Mother, I need to ask you something.

Yes?

Wednesday: Can we have your blessing?

Of course. May you have many children, and may they give you as much grief as you've given us.

Gomez: Attention everybody! I have a Full Disclosure. I'm taking my beautiful wife to Paris!

Oh Gomez! The sewers!

Fester: I'm embracing the unknown!

Au revoir, Fester. May you find your bliss.

Grandma: So you stole my Acrimonium -

- to make Wednesday and Lucas fall out of love with each other -

Mal: - which made me fall in love with my family all over again -

- and I reached deep into my soul and forgave your father.

Gomez: Young man, for purely selfish motives, you turned a simple dinner party into a night from hell.

We couldn't be more proud.

Wednesday: Of course. Until you get a girl of your own.

My son. You embraced the darkness of your despair and suddenly the world makes sense. You are a true Addams!

Gomez: Are you unhappy, my darling?

Oh yes. Completely.