TWELFTH NIGHT LINES

MARIA Nay, either tell me where thou hast been, or I will not open my lips so wide as a bristle may enter in way of thy excuse. My lady will hang thee for thy absence.

FOOL Let her hang me. He that is well hanged in this world needs to fear no colors.

MARIA Make that good.

FOOL He shall see none to fear.

MARIA A good Lenten answer. I can tell thee wherethat saying was born, of "I fear no colors."

FOOL Where, good Mistress Mary?

MARIA In the wars; and that may you be bold to say in your foolery.

FOOL Well, God give them wisdom that have it, and those that are Fools, let them use their talents.

MARIA Yet you will be hanged for being so long absent. Or to be turned away, is not that as good as a hanging to you?

FOOL Many a good hanging prevents a bad marriage, and, for turning away, let summer bear it out.

MARIA You are resolute, then?

FOOL Not so, neither, but I am resolved on two points.

MARIA That if one break, the other will hold, or if both break, your gaskins fall.

FOOL Apt, in good faith, very apt. Well, go thy way. If SirToby would leave drinking, thou wert as witty a piece of Eve's flesh as any in Illyria.

MARIA Peace, you rogue. No more o' that. Here comes my lady. Make your excuse wisely, you were best.

FOOL, aside Wit, an 't be thy will, put me into good fooling! Those wits that think they have thee do very oft prove fools, and I that am sure I lack thee may pass for a wise man. For what says Quinapalus?"Better a witty Fool than a foolish wit."—God bless thee, lady!

Olivia: Take the fool away.

FOOL Do you not hear, fellows? Take away the Lady.

OLIVIA Go to, you're a dry Fool. I'll no more of you. Besides, you grow dishonest.

Two faults, madonna, that drink and good counsel will amend. For give the dry Fool drink, then isthe Fool not dry. The Lady bade take away the Fool. Therefore, I say again, take her away.

OLIVIA Sir, I bade them take away you.

FOOL Misprision in the highest degree! Lady, cucullus non facit monachum. That's as much to say as, I wear not motley in my brain. Good madonna, give me leave to prove you a fool.

OLIVIA Can you do it?

FOOL Dexteriously, good madonna.

Olivia: Make your proof.

FOOL I must catechise you for it, madonna: good my mouse of virtue, answer me.

OLIVIA Well, sir, for want of other idleness, I'll bide your proof.

FOOL Good madonna, why mourn'st thou?

OLIVIA Good Fool, for my brother's death.

FOOL I think his soul is in hell, madonna.

Olivia: I know his soul is in heaven, fool.

FOOL The more fool, madonna, to mourn for your brother's soul, being in heaven. Take away the fool, gentlemen.

MALVOLIO Yes, and shall do till the pangs of death shake him. Infirmity, that decays the wise, doth ever make the better Fool.

FOOL God send you, sir, a speedy infirmity, for the better increasing your folly! Sir Toby will be sworn that I am no fox, but he will not pass his word for twopence that you are no fool.

OLIVIA Fetch him off, I pray you. He speaks nothing but madman. Fie on him! Maria exits. Go you, Malvolio. If it be a suit from the Count, I am sick, or not at home; what you will, to dismiss it. Now you see, sir, how your fooling grows old, and people dislike it.

FOOL Thou hast spoke for us, madonna, as if thy eldest son should be a Fool, whose skull Jove cram with brains, for—here he comes—one of thy kin has a most weak pia mater.

TOBY 'Tis a gentleman here—a plague o' these pickleherring!—How now, sot?

FOOL Good Sir Toby.

OLIVIA What's a drunken man like, Fool?

FOOL Like a drowned man, a fool, and a madman. One draught above heat makes him a fool, the second mads him, and a third drowns him.

OLIVIA Go thou and seek the crowner and let him sit o'my coz, for he's in the third degree of drink: he's drowned. Go look after him.

FOOL He is but mad yet, madonna, and the Fool shall look to the madman.

ANDREW Here comes the Fool, i' faith.

FOOL How now, my hearts? Did you never see the picture of "We Three"?

TOBY Welcome, ass! Now let's have a catch.

FOOL Would you have a love song or a song of good life?

ANDREW Most certain. Let our catch be "Thou Knave."

FOOL "Hold thy peace, thou knave," knight? I shall be constrained in 't to call thee "knave," knight.

ANDREW 'Tis not the first time I have constrained one to call me "knave." Begin, Fool. It begins "Hold thy peace."

FOOL I shall never begin if I hold my peace.

TOBY My lady's a Cataian, we are politicians, Malvolio'sa Peg-a-Ramsey, and [Sings.] Three merry men be we. Am not I consanguineous? Am I not of herblood? Tillyvally! "Lady"! Sings. There dwelt a man in Babylon, lady, lady.

FOOL Beshrew me, the knight's in admirable fooling.

TOBY Art any more than a steward? Dost thou think, because thou art virtuous ,there shall be no more cakes and ale?

FOOL Yes, by Saint Anne, and ginger shall be hot i' th' mouth, too.

ORSINO O, fellow, come, the song we had last night.—Mark it, Cesario. It is old and plain; The spinsters and the knitters in the sun And the free maids that weave their thread withbones Do use to chant it. It is silly sooth, And dallies with the innocence of love Like the old age.

FOOL Are you ready, sir?

ORSINO, [giving money] There's for thy pains.

FOOL No pains, sir. I take pleasure in singing, sir.

ORSINO I'll pay thy pleasure, then.

FOOL Truly sir, and pleasure will be paid, one time or another.

ORSINO Give me now leave to leave thee.

FOOL Now the melancholy god protect thee and the tailor make thy doublet of changeable taffeta, for thy mind is a very opal. I would have men of such constancy put to sea, that their business might be everything and their intent everywhere, for that's it that always makes a good voyage of nothing. Farewell.

VIOLA Save thee, friend, and thy music. Dost thou live by thy tabor?

FOOL No, sir, I live by the church.

VIOLA Art thou a churchman?

FOOL No such matter, sir. I do live by the church, for I do live at my house, and my house doth stand by the church.

VIOLA So thou mayst say the king lies by a beggar if a beggar dwell near him, or the church stands by thy tabor if thy tabor stand by the church.

FOOL You have said, sir. To see this age! A sentence is but a chev'ril glove to a good wit. How quickly the wrong side may be turned outward!

VIOLA Nay, that's certain. They that dally nicely with words may quickly make them wanton.

FOOL I would therefore my sister had had no name, sir.

VIOLA Why, man?

FOOL Why, sir, her name's a word, and to dally with that word might make my sister wanton. But, indeed, words are very rascals since bonds disgraced them.

VIOLA Thy reason, man?

FOOL Troth, sir, I can yield you none without words, and words are grown so false I am loath to prove reason with them.

VIOLA I warrant thou art a merry fellow and car'st for nothing.

FOOL Not so, sir. I do care for something. But in my conscience, sir, I do not care for you. If that be to care for nothing, sir, I would it would make you invisible.

VIOLA Art not thou the Lady Olivia's Fool?

FOOL No, indeed, sir. The Lady Olivia has no folly. She will keep no Fool, sir, till she be married, and Fools are as like husbands as pilchers are to herrings: the husband's the bigger. I am indeed not her Fool but her corrupter of words.

VIOLA Nay, an thou pass upon me, I'll no more with thee. Hold, there's expenses for thee. [Giving a coin.]

FOOL Now Jove, in his next commodity of hair, send thee a beard!

VIOLA By my troth I'll tell thee, I am almost sick for one, [aside] though I would not have it grow on my chin.—Is thy lady within?

FOOL Would not a pair of these have bred, sir?

VIOLA I understand you, sir. 'Tis well begged. [Giving another coin.]

FOOL The matter I hope is not great, sir, begging but a beggar: Cressida was a beggar. My lady is within, sir. I will conster to them whence you come. Who you are and what you would are out of my welkin—I might say "element," but the word is overworn.

FIRST OFFICER This is the man. Do thy office.

SECOND OFFICER Antonio, I arrest thee at the suit of Count Orsino.

ANTONIO I must obey. [To Viola.] This comes with seeking you.But there's no remedy. I shall answer it. What will you do, now my necessity makes me to ask you for my purse? It grieves me much more for what I cannot do for you than what befalls myself. You stand amazed, but be of comfort.

SECOND OFFICER Come, sir, away.

ANTONIO O heavens themselves!

SECOND OFFICER Come, sir, I pray you go.

Enter Sebastian and Feste, the Fool.

FOOL Will you make me believe that I am not sent for you?

SEBASTIAN Go to, go to, thou art a foolish fellow. Let me be clear of thee.

FOOL Well held out, i' faith. No, I do not know you, nor I am not sent to you by my lady to bid you come speak with her, nor your name is not Master Cesario, nor this is not my nose neither. Nothing that is so is so.

SEBASTIAN I prithee, vent thy folly somewhere else. Thou know'st not me.

FOOL Vent my folly? He has heard that word of some great man and now applies it to a Fool. Vent my folly? I am afraid this great lubber the world will prove a cockney. I prithee now, ungird thy strangeness and tell me what I shall vent to my lady. Shall I vent to her that thou art coming?

SEBASTIAN I prithee, foolish Greek, depart from me. There's money for thee. [Giving money.] If you tarry longer, I shall give worse payment.

FOOL By my troth, thou hast an open hand. These wise men that give Fools money get themselves a good report—after fourteen years' purchase.

TOBY Hold, sir, or I'll throw your dagger o'er the house.

FOOL, [aside] This will I tell my lady straight. I would not be in some of your coats for twopence.

MARIA Nay, I prithee, put on this gown and this beard; make him believe thou art Sir Topas the curate. Do it quickly. I'll call Sir Toby the whilst.

FOOL Well, I'll put it on and I will dissemble myself in't, and I would I were the first that ever dissembled in such a gown. [He puts on gown and beard.] I am not tall enough to become the function well, norlean enough to be thought a good student, but to be said an honest man and a good housekeeper goes as fairly as to say a careful man and a great scholar. The competitors enter.

TOBY Jove bless thee, Master Parson.

FOOL Bonos dies, Sir Toby; for, as the old hermit of Prague, that never saw pen and ink, very wittily said to a niece of King Gorboduc "That that is, is," so I, being Master Parson, am Master Parson; for what is"that" but "that" and "is" but "is"?

TOBY To him, Sir Topas.

FOOL, [disguising his voice] What ho, I say! Peace in this prison!

MALVOLIO Who calls there?

FOOL Sir Topas the curate, who comes to visit Malvolio the lunatic.

MALVOLIO Sir Topas, Sir Topas, good Sir Topas, go to my lady—

FOOL Out, hyperbolical fiend! How vexest thou this man! Talkest thou nothing but of ladies?

MALVOLIO Sir Topas, never was man thus wronged. Good Sir Topas, do not think I am mad. They have laid me here in hideous darkness—

FOOL Fie, thou dishonest Satan! I call thee by the most modest terms, for I am one of those gentle ones that will use the devil himself with courtesy. Sayst thou that house is dark?

MALVOLIO As hell, Sir Topas.

FOOL Why, it hath bay windows transparent as barricadoes, and the clerestories toward the south-north are as lustrous as ebony; and yet complainest thou of obstruction?

MALVOLIO I am not mad, Sir Topas. I say to you this house is dark.

FOOL Madman, thou errest. I say there is no darkness but ignorance, in which thou art more puzzled than the Egyptians in their fog.

MALVOLIO I say this house is as dark as ignorance,though ignorance were as dark as hell. And I say there was never man thus abused. I am no more mad than you are. Make the trial of it in any constant question.

FOOL What is the opinion of Pythagoras concerning wildfowl?

MALVOLIO That the soul of our grandam might haply inhabit a bird.

FOOL What thinkst thou of his opinion?

MALVOLIO I think nobly of the soul, and no way approve his opinion.

FOOL Fare thee well. Remain thou still in darkness. Thou shalt hold th' opinion of Pythagoras ere I will allow of thy wits, and fear to kill a woodcock lest thou dispossess the soul of thy grandam. Fare thee well.

TOBY My most exquisite Sir Topas!

FOOL Nay, I am for all waters.

TOBY To him in thine own voice, and bring me word how thou find'st him. I would we were well rid of this knavery. If he may be conveniently delivered, I would he were, for I am now so far inoffense with my niece that I cannot pursue withany safety this sport the upshot. Come by and by to my chamber.

FOOL sings, in his own voice Hey, Robin, jolly Robin, Tell me how thy lady does. My lady is unkind, perdy. Alas, why is she so? Fool, I say! She loves another—Who calls, ha?

MALVOLIO Good fool, as ever thou wilt deserve well at my hand, help me to a candle, and pen, ink, and paper. As I am a gentleman, I will live to be thankful to thee for 't.

FOOL Master Malvolio?

Malvolio: Ay, good fool.

FOOL Alas, sir, how fell you besides your five wits?

Malvolio: Fool, there was never a man so notoriously abused: I am as well in my wits, fool, as thou art.

FOOL But as well? Then you are mad indeed, if you be no better in your wits than a Fool.

MALVOLIO They have here propertied me, keep me in darkness, send ministers to me—asses!—and do all they can to face me out of my wits.

FOOL Advise you what you say. The minister is here.In the voice of Sir Topas. Malvolio, Malvolio, thywits the heavens restore. Endeavor thyself to sleep and leave thy vain bibble-babble.

MALVOLIO Sir Topas!

FOOL, as Sir Topas Maintain no words with him, goodfellow. As Fool. Who, I, sir? Not I, sir! God buy you, good Sir Topas. As Sir Topas. Marry, amen. As Fool. I will, sir, I will.

MALVOLIO Fool! Fool! Fool, I say!

FOOL Alas, sir, be patient. What say you, sir? I am shent for speaking to you.

MALVOLIO Good Fool, help me to some light and some paper. I tell thee, I am as well in my wits as any man in Illyria.

FOOL Welladay that you were, sir!

MALVOLIO By this hand, I am. Good Fool, some ink, paper, and light; and convey what I will set down to my lady. It shall advantage thee more than ever the bearing of letter did.

FOOL I will help you to 't. But tell me true, are you not mad indeed, or do you but counterfeit?

MALVOLIO Believe me, I am not. I tell thee true.

FOOL Nay, I'll ne'er believe a madman till I see his brains. I will fetch you light and paper and ink.

MALVOLIO Fool, I'll requite it in the highest degree. Iprithee, begone.

FOOL [sings I am gone, sir, and anon, sir, I'll be with you again, In a trice, like to the old Vice, Your need to sustain. Who with dagger of lath, in his rage and his wrath, Cries "aha!" to the devil; Like a mad lad, "Pare thy nails, dad! Adieu, goodman devil."

FABIAN Now, as thou lov'st me, let me see his letter.

FOOL Good Master Fabian, grant me another request.

FABIAN Anything.

FOOL Do not desire to see this letter.

ORSINO Belong you to the Lady Olivia, friends?

FOOL Ay, sir, we are some of her trappings.

ORSINO I know thee well. How dost thou, my good fellow?

FOOL Truly, sir, the better for my foes and the worse for my friends.

TOBY That's all one. Has hurt me, and there's th' end on 't. [To Fool.] Sot, didst see Dick Surgeon, sot?

FOOL O, he's drunk, Sir Toby, an hour agone; his eyes were set at eight i' th' morning.

OLIVIA He shall enlarge him. Fetch Malvolio hither. And yet, alas, now I remember me, They say, poor gentleman, he's much distract. A most extracting frenzy of mine own From my remembrance clearly banished his. [To the Fool.] How does he, sirrah?

FOOL Truly, madam, he holds Beelzebub at the stave's end as well as a man in his case may do. Has here writ a letter to you. I should have given 't you today morning. But as a madman's epistles are no gospels, so it skills not much when they are delivered.

OLIVIA Open 't and read it.

FOOL Look then to be well edified, when the Fool delivers the madman. [He reads.] By the Lord, madam—

OLIVIA How now, art thou mad?

FOOL No, madam, I do but read madness. An your Ladyship will have it as it ought to be, you must allow vox.

OLIVIA Prithee, read i' thy right wits.

FOOL So I do, madonna. But to read his right wits is to read thus. Therefore, perpend, my princess, and give ear.

OLIVIA Did he write this?

FOOL Ay, madam.

OLIVIA, [to Malvolio] Alas, poor fool, how have they baffled thee!

FOOL Why, "some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrown upon them." I was one, sir, in this interlude, one Sir Topas, sir, but that's all one. "By the Lord, Fool, I am not mad"—but, do you remember "Madam, why laugh you at such a barren rascal; an you smile not, he's gagged"? And thus the whirligig of time brings in his revenges.