how to survive being in a shakespeare play lines

I'M A LITTLE FREAKED OUT RIGHT NOW IN CASE ANYONE WAS LISTENING

Macbeth!

None of woman born shall harm Macbeth

OOOOOOOOOOOOOH

That sounds promising

None of woman born shall harm Macbeth.

Sharks?

Yup.

That was educational. Lastly, just for clarification: Let's say someone is born from a Caesarean section--does that count as "from woman born?"

Nope.

A C-section counts as being born from a woman!

No human person who was born in natural birth with a licensed midwife may harm Macbeth.

I get it. What about a meteor?

Can kill you.

FALLING ROCKS

Very large mosquitoes--

Let's say you're a prince.

Alas, Poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio. A fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy. Horatio? Anyone? I guess I'll just keep talking to myself then. Totally normal thing to do. With the skull of a guy that died twenty years ago. This certainly isn't weird or disturbing at all.

Hamlet?

Hey, sweetie.

What are you doing out here in the graveyard, talking to a skull?

Nothing.

I thought we could go on a date, things have been so crazy lately--with all of your...acting crazy.

Yeah it's been so difficult around the palace lately, with my Dad being killed and my Mom marrying my uncle.

Oh darn it it they found us.

Ignore them, honey.

Why doesn't she just throw herself into a pond already?!

Maybe we should go sneak into a nunnery.

Oh man I hate the paparazzi.

Don't worry about it. Comes with the territory of being prince.
Good day chaps! If you give us a minute, I'll let you pick through my rubbish. I think you'll find my lint fascinating.

They go. Or I go.

But baby this is how it works.

Not with me. And they hate me. Hamlet. Listen to me.

Very well. I shall give them letters. On the letters I'll write, 'murder me' and then I'll have them deliver the letters to people with very pointy swords. That way, they'll all be dead.

Shameful behavior from the royal family! I blame Ophelia. She's odious. Like a bloated slug that has heaved itself onto the shore of our great nation, oozing pus and reeking of feminism. I, for one, will not stand for--

Excuse me, I have an announcement.

Ooooooh

After careful consideration, I will be stepping back from my role in the monarchy. Of Denmark. Ophelia and I have decided that we will move to Canada where everything is not so rotten. We are working on becoming financially independent and will be seeking a relationship counselor. Thank you.

Controlled by the jealous Ophelia--

Oh sorry. In my last act as prince, I would like you to deliver these letters for me.

What. The. Heck. Booo. Booooo. I am thy father's spirit Doomed for a certain time to walk the night.

I know, Dad. I don't want to hear it.

Revenge my foul and most unnatural murder!

NOPE. Not doing it. Me and Ophelia are moving to Canada for free health care. We're gonna need a lot of therapy.

The serpent that did sting thy father's life NOW WEARS HIS CROWN!

Yeah, I know, you already haunted me once and explained everything. He poured poison in your ear.

IN MY EAR! It was gross.

And then married my Mom. I get it. Not cool. But you know what, this happens in every royal family and I'm done with this.

This is a tragedy!

Not anymore!

CAUSE YOU WEREN'T LISTENING!

Not to interrupt, but both of you are terrible role-models and I'm happy to be rid of you.

That's why I'm glad my father is nice.

Oh--about that--I may have killed your father accidentally. Just putting that out there.

We're going to need a lot of therapy.

Yup. Would you like to deliver a letter of apology?