Hand to God lines

You don’t take that thing off much do you?

I do. I do all the time. I spend long periods of time with it off. Like in the bath. Or when swimming. Or-

Only when dealing with water.

What?

What, is he some kind of hydrophobe?

Who, Tyrone?

Is that his name?

Um… Yeah.

And he’s afraid of water.

I know what hydrophobe means.

I didn’t think you didn’t.

He just takes a really long time to dry. You take him into the pool once and there goes your Saturday night, alone in the bathroom with the hair dryer.

Aww you’re embarrassed.

I’m not embarrassed

You don’t have to be embarrassed

good im not

i think it’s sweet how much you love your puppet

i dont love my puppet

well how much you like your puppet

i dont like my puppet

how much you need your puppet

get up to go

hey hey don’t leave

stop making fun of me

i’m not

I’m-

really im not. i saw the lion king. i think it’s cool.

are you sure you’re not making fun of me

im sure

cause i know its not cool

it is

you dont have to patronize me

im not i like it when you make him sing

thank you…. you wanna see something?

Um-

You’ll like it

okay

okay. WELL COSTELLO, IM GOIN TO NEW YORK WITH YOU. YOU KNOW BUCK HARRIS THE YANKEES MANAGER GAVE ME A JOB AS COACH AS LONG AS YOURE ON THE TEAM.

LOOK ABBOTT, IF YOU’RE THE COACH YOU MUST KNOW ALL THE PLAYERS

I CERTAINLY DO

WELL IVE NEVER MET THE GUYS SO YOU’LL HAVE TO TELL ME THEIR NAMES AND THEN ILL KNOW WHOS PLAYING ON THE TEAM

OH ILL TELL YOU THEIR NAMES, BUT YOU KNOW IT SEEMS TO ME THEY GIVE THESE BALL PLAYERS NOWADAYS VERY PARTICULAR NAMES

YOU MEAN FUNNY NAMES

WELL LETS SEE WE HAVE ON THE BAGS, WHOS ON FIRST, WHATS ON SECOND, I DON’T KNOW IS ON THIRD

THAT’S WHAT I WANT TO FIND OUT

I SAY WHOS ON FIRST WHATS ON SECOND I DONT KNOWS ON THIRD

ARE YOU THE MANAGER

YES

AND YOU DONT KNOW THE FELLOWS NAMES

WELL I SHOULD

THEN WHOS ON FIRST

YES

I MEAN THE FELLOWS NAME

WHO

THE GUY ON FIRST

WHO

THE FIRST BASEMAN

WHO

THE GUY PLAYING

what are you doing dont stop

i

what

i cant remember anymore

thats really good

thank you

did you come up with that all by yourself

yes

liar

shut up

its a famous routine from the fifties

thirties

youd know that if you werent so stupid

hey

shut up tyrone

yeah shut up tyrone

but it doesn’t matter cause he thinks youre hot

that is enough

you think im hot

no… yes.. i don’t know. puppet bite ouch.

so hot. so hot he can’t keep from touching himself.

Jason.

touching himself in the dark

jason stop

tyrone.

the things he thinks about you.

jason this isn’t funny

i know.

thinks about doing to you.

tyrone.

what

stop

you can’t stop it

yes i can (puppet off) jessica I-

I’m gonna see if my dad’s here.

im sorry

it’s okay its fine dont even worry

dont go

ill see you next week

please dont go

bye now

shit.