Something Rotten Bea Lines

NICK: Hello, darling. How was your day?

Interesting. I went to the stocks and watched the mob throw cabbages at the criminals.

NICK: What’d you do that for?? You hate all that!

I know, it was awful. Boiled cabbage?

NIGEL: I think it’s delicious.

Aw, thanks Nige. There would have been meat, but the landlord came by demanding the rent — took our last shilling right out of my hand. Then I was gonna surprise you with some mutton — but sheep are fast.

NICK: Wait, wh- you chased a SHEEP? Alright, that’s it.

What are you doing?

NICK: I’m just…

HE grabs the money box. She quickly takes it away.

No! We’ve been through this, we do not touch the money box!

NICK: Come on, Bea… we shouldn’t have to live like this. You deserve better.

And so do you — we all do, and that’s what we’re saving for. A batter life. A simple cottage in the country, for all of us. You, me, a couple kids…

(Taking money back, passing Nigel)

…a room for Nigel and maybe his wife one day?…

NIGEL: Oh, stop it…

Now, I know it’s been a while since we’ve put any money in there, and that’s why I was thinking — I should get a job.

NICK: What? No, if you get a job, that will just make me feel like a failure. None of the other writers wives have jobs.

Well, they should. This is the nineties! We have a woman on the throne and by the year 1600, women will be completely equal to men. Oh! I just thought of the perfect job for me. I could be in your play.

NICK: What?? You can’t act.

SHE BURST INTO TEARS, covers her face with her hands.

Gotcha. See I can act.

NIGEL: And anyway, our play’s been cancelled.

What?

NICK: I mean, yes, we are no longer doing Richard the Second but only because we’ve come up with… a better idea!

Oooh, what is it?

NICK: Can’t say. Don’t wanna jinx it.

So…there is no idea.

NIGEL: …that we need an idea.

Then let me help you! I’ll go out and earn some Mooney and that’ll take the pressure off you guys.

NICK: Bea, listen…

No, you listen. Cause I just want to make things better and I need to know that you understsand…

A group of WORKERS carrying shovels, file in. Nick bumps into BEA who is disguised as man carrying a bucket.

Watch it, ya daft eejit!!

Sorry, sir. Beg your pardon.

NICK keeps walking as TWO LADIES pass. BEA stalks the ladies in a macho way.

Oy, darlings. Buy you a pint, eh? Eh?

NICK:

(Recognizing the voice)

Bea?

(Still in accent)

Don’t know what yer talkin’ about, lad. Name’s Johnny.

NICK: Bea, I know it’s you.

But I fooled you for a second, didn’t I? Told you I could act!

NICK: What the hell are you doing dressed like that?

Remember that job I mentioned? Turns out all the good ones are for men. And besides, I know you need help because you said “I don’t need help.”

NICK: Bea, this just makes me feel—

(Sniffs)

Is that a bucket of crap?

Bear crap, to be precise. I’ve been promoted. This morning I didn’t even have a bucket!

(She pats his face, he recoils)

And look! I already made a penny. I’m gonna put it in the money box.

FOREMAN: Yo! Bear crap boy!

Hear that? I have a job title! And one day it’ll be “bear crap woman!”

(Kissing him)

Keep writing. I love you, luv!

LEAD MAN: Oy, new bloke! You up to this or not?

Oh, don’t worry ‘bout me. I’m as strong as the next guy!

NICK: Bea? What are you doing? I told you to cut this out.

I know, but they were looking for good strong men to haul the stage away. Why aren’t they ever looking for good strong women?

NICK: Because some jobs are just better suited for men. Now give me that.

SHE hands him the beam. HE buckles under the weight.

Woah, so heavy…

HE sets the beam down. SHE gets dizzy, staggers slightly.

You okay?

Actually, I was gonna tell you when you got home. You know how I’ve been having these wild mood swings?

NICK: No.

(After asking about wild mood swings)

YES YOU DO! — I TOLD YOU ABOUT THEM!!!

(Feeling her stomach)

Well, there’s a reason for it.

NICK: Oh God, you’ve got the plague.

No. I’m pregnant.

NICK: You sure it’s not the plague?

No! Isn’t it wonderful?

NICK: It is. It’s…great news.

THEY hug and kiss just as THREE GUYS enter to get the beam. They see these two “guys” kissing, stop cold.

(Motioning to him and Bea)

It’s okay, we’re having a baby together.

Oh, Nick. You’re going to be a father. A family like we’ve always wanted. Now we’re gonna need that country cottage more than ever.

NICK: And I’m working on it.

So am I…better get to it.

NICK: No. You go home and rest.

SHE nods her consent, then kisses him.

Thanks, I love you, luv.