Conflict in Relationships: John Gottman

conflict styles: conflict avoiders/conflict-minimizing

avoidance; can sustain relationship; good enough for them

they avoid conflict, avoid expressing what they need, and congratulate their relationship for being generally happy

independence/interdependence balance

maintain pos. to neg. ratio 5:1

conflict styles: volatile couple

intense emotion; can maintain connection

opposite of conflict avoiders, debate is characterized by a lot of laughter and human -- not disrespectful or insulting

also 5:1 pos. to neg. ratio

conflict styles: validating couple

constructive style; interaction is characterized by ease and calm--somewhat expressive but mostly neutral

intermediate between avoiders and volatile couples

5:1 ratio

conflict styles: hostile

like validators (constructive style), but defensive; unhappily married

lots of criticism “you always/never”

during conflict, partner says own perspective, no support/understanding b/t partners for either pov

all four horsemen were present

conflict styles: hostile-detached

mutually frustrating, critical; most likely to divorce

stalemate, emotional detachment and resignation

4 Horsemen of the apocalypse: criticism

selfishness; verbally attacking personality or character

what to do: talk about your feeling using “I” statements and express a positive need (gentle start up)

4 Horsemen of the apocalypse: contmept

sarcasm, cynicism, name-calling, eye-rolling, mockery hostile humor; attacking sense of self with an intent to insult or abuse

what to do: say thanks for trying; remind yourself of your partner’s positive qualities and find gratitude for positive actions (build culture of appreciation)

4 Horsemen of the apocalypse: defensiveness

not my fault, victim; victimizing yourself to ward off a perceived attack and reverse the blame

what to do: accept responsibility; accept your partner’s perspective and offer an apology for any wrongdoing (take responsibility)

4 Horsemen of the apocalypse: stonewalling

stop talking, withdraw; withdrawing to avoid conflict and convey disapproval, distance, and separation

what to do: wait for a period of time and then resume conversation; take a break and spend that time doing something soothing and distracting (physiological self-soothing)

Constructive conflict management

1. soften startup
2. accept influence
3. make effective repairs during conflict → de-escalate and compromise

Strategies for healthy relationship

1. calm yourself so you can communicate
2. speak and listen non-defensively
3. avoid negativity
4. validate each other
5. ratio of positive to negative comments should be 5:1

principles for making relationships work: enhance your love map

this is where all info learned about partner gets stored (ex. likes and dislikes)

principles for making relationships work: solve your solvable problems

this is realizing which problems can be solved and solving them using skills for managing conflict (soften startup, accept influence, make effective repairs during conflict etc.)

principles for making relationships work: like each other and let your partner influence you

this is sharing the decision making and being willing to both make decisions and respect your partners decisions

principles for making relationships work: overcome gridlock

this is figuring out what is causing a block in your life and taking steps to overcome this block; not necessarily fixing problems but taking steps to overcome them

principles for making relationships work: positive sentiment override (PSO)

positive sentiments you have about the relationship and the partner override negative things the partner does

principles for making relationships work: turn toward each other

this is doing things together and showing the other person that they are valued; taking time to listen instead of saying you don’t have time

principles for making relationships work: create shared meaning

this is creating a life that is shared and meaningful for both of you

Creating healthy relationships program (CHRP) The Sound Relationship House Theory

weight-bearing walls: trust and commitment

Floors


1. build love map → know one another’s world
2. share fondness and admiration
3. turn towards e/o
4. positive perspective (ex. giving the benefit of doubt)
5. manage conflict → accept partner’s influence, dialogue about problems, practice self-soothing
6. make life dreams come true
7. create shared meaning

six hours a week to a better relationship

1. partings → learn about day ahead before saying bye
2. reunions → share hug/kiss for six seconds then stress-reducing conversation for 20m
3. appreciation and admiration → admiration journal, primes to see positive
4. affection → expression physical affection, cuddling or goodnight kiss
5. date night → we time, open-ended questions 2 hrs a week
6. state of the union meeting → discuss areas of concern within relationship 1hr a week

\

8 dates: essential conversations for a lifetime of love, date topics

1. trust and commitment
2. conflict
3. intimacy
4. money
5. family
6. fun and adventure
7. growth and spirituality
8. dreams

John Gottman: The Science of Love Summary

love relationships are important

we can assess strengths and challanges scientifically

the 5:1 ratio indexes it

we can mathematically model the magic of love

the magic requires calm, trust, and commitment

perhaps the magic of love is a bit less of a mystery