TWGR Lines

A1S2

A1S2

LADY BASSINGER: Champagne flows like water where the Bassingers set up their banner. Oh, my husband may not be the sort of fellow one would care to go on a walking tour with but at providing refreshment for man and Beast he has few equals.

DAME ELANOR: Quite

Enter Stage Left

ELANOR: ah Raymond Raymond my dear boy over here

Ah there you are Eleanor

LADY BASSINGER: the pleasure is mine Mr Blythe

Pleasure? Pleasure? Pray, do not do me the dishonor of condescension, madam. I, for one, cannot find anything pleasurable about the depraved degradation into sin this so-called costume ball represents. Drinking? Ha! Carousing? Ha! All while Britain sinks deeper and deeper into the Ooze. You are the Mad Emperor, Madam, who would fiddle while London Burns, The Smiling prince who seals his Abbey and dances is the Red Death Looms in the offing-

SERVANT: Punch, sir?

Ooh, thank you

ELANOR: Isn’t he a dear?

More than just dear, Eleanor. Dead serious. Why, you should have heard the support my followers overwhelmingly expressed at our last meeting, when I put forth the humble proposition that we drain the English Channel, thus preventing any dirty illegals from sneaking onto our pristine Shores by boat! That idea alone, friends, that idea alone tripled my movements membership -

LADY BASSINGER: well, I'd best be going -

And rumor has it, we may even have a fourth member attend my rally tonight. BUCKET Perhaps you'd like to donate to the cause

LADY BASSINGER: Oh goodness! Herbert's falling asleep in the ham salad again. You'll have to excuse me, friends. Enjoy the ball!

And are you enjoying the ball, Eleanor?

ELANOR: Anything but this interminable traipsing about this blasting Metropolis. But Madeline insisted-

Madeline!

ELANOR: What's that?

A-just a sneeze. My allergies are particularly acute this time of year. But Madeline, you were saying? Where is that vision of loveliness?EE

ELANOR: sitting over there, moping. No doubt waiting for this Fink-Nottle blighter of hers to show up ha!

Fink-Nottle blighter? Elucidate me

ELANOR: oh, just some man she's been pining after. I've never met him myself, but I feel quite certain he's bad news

Quite right! Bad news! I can picture him now, Eleanor A mewling, pitiful shrimp with all the charm and which of the jellied eel! If I were you I'd break the thing up at once!

ELANOR: and today, well … Just look at her. Clearly the scoundrel has stood her up.

Ah! Well! In that case... An opportunity presents itself

MAD: right... Now... Right..

You hear that chiming, Madeline? Midnight. The Last Dance. If you're looking for a partner..

ELANOR: So! This “Gussie” of yours is a woman, is he? And you never thought that fit to mention? Madeline, for god sakes? I thought I told you..

But-not just any woman Eleanor! Clearly, this is a woman who rebels in tearing innocent girl's Hearts to shreds, who takes a perverse Delight in abandoning them at pansy dress balls, leaving them floundering into your some regrets! Madeline, of course, is not to blame.. But this Gussie Fink-Nottle is bad news through and through!

A2S2

A2S2

Idle chatter? Let me tell you here and now, Eleanor I - what the devil is that music?

Enter stage right, upstage of Madeline

ELANOR: finally! He's here

I am indeed. Hello, Eleanor! Hello, Madeline.

MAD: Hello, Mr. Blythe

Alas! How broken her heart must be, that she can't even look me in the eye. Poor girl! Poor dear!

TOM: now listen here! Just who do you think you -

I sir? I am Raymond Blyth! England's Eternal champion in the struggle against the satanic forces of sin! And as was so evoked by The Serpent and the Apple, there is sin lurking even here within your verdant Garden corridors

DAHLIA: Hold Me Back Tom. I'm going to hit him

A serpent, ay! A poisonous Viper that is dared to worm its transgressive influence into the mind of my-of our dear friend Madeline Bassett-perverting her once pure once precious thoughts into those of immorality! A low-down snake in the grass better known.. as Gussie Fink-Nottle

GUSSIE: Me?

You? Not so fast!!

GUSSIE: no! Please! I've done nothing wrong!

Nothing wrong? Nothing wrong? And did you not stand there, Fink-Nottle In Cold Blood, just last night, and shatter the heart of the sweetest, prettiest, most wonderful girl in all of England? Did you not drive those enchanting eyes of hers to tears? And now you have the unbridled Gall to sit there and protest that you've done nothing wrong? You are a heel, Fink Nottle, a heel

GUSSIE: I'm a heel!

Oh, you're learning! Good! But even that will not save you from retribution` SONG START

DAHLIA: Blyth, I've had just about enough of this! What gives you the right to barge onto my private property acting like you own the place?

Madam, I give myself the right! Me and my followers are here to raise Britain from the dirt and Usher it into a brighter tomorrow.. No matter what personal freedoms you may have to sacrifice along the way

MAD: for God's sake, what do you mean, to help? Why are you even here?

Why am I - Madeline, darling, I'm here to protect you! Here, because nowhere is safe from the influence of the enemy! Just look! There, up in the sky!

MAD: that storm cloud?

Yes! A simple atmospheric phenomenon, huh? No! A symbol of everything wrong with our country today!

SUNG: so it's time to put our government to the test!

And that is why, friends, with the help of your generous donations, I have submitted to the House of Lords of petition demanding they distribute free umbrellas throughout the populace, ensuring that honest, native born English men need never fear weather from foreign climes again!

SUNG: God's great plan!

So you see, my sweet, what better man could you want by your side?.. Madeline? Ah there you are!

MAD: yes Mother

Oh, come, Eleanor, you must show empathy! The girl is clearly distressed. Perhaps if you left us alone for a few minutes I might try and convince her we're only acting for the best.

MAD: hello, Mr Blyth.

Oh, please, darling, do call me Raymond. Old friends like us, there's no reason not to be unfamiliar terms, now, is there?

MAD: I suppose not, Mr Blyth

pull out notebook But, enough about all that. Let us discuss the celestial bodies!

MAD: I beg your pardon?

Haven't you ever felt, Madeline, that the stars are God's daisy chain?

MAD: Why, yes! I have!

Hm, quite. And the mist, oh the mist! Sometimes, madeline, when the grass is covered in wreaths of mist, I can't help but think to myself, Raymond, these are the elves Bridal veils!

MAD: I used to think that if I held my breath and stayed quite still, I would see

together The fairy queen! close notebook

MAD: why, Mr Blyth, how remarkable this is! Us believing all the same things about elves and fairies and all that. It's like you've read my mind!

Or, at any rate, spoken with your mother

MAD: what's that?

Er… these are the sort of things I think about in the evenings, Madeline. Ah, those cold, lonely evenings, when I paste The Meadows with a heavy tread, wishing that I had someone.. To love.

MAD: oh! Well.. You mustn't be discouraged. If you'll excuse me..

Nor must you. You'd be surprised.. Sometimes the ones you love.. Are closer than you think.M

MAD: Mr Blyth, please! You know that I love another!

Yes, I know, and it baffles me to the depths of my core! Why, Madeline? Why do you insist upon loving this cringing whelp when there are real men to be had at hand?

MAD: Gussie is not a cringing whelp, Mr Blyth. She is a beautiful, thoughtful, passionate woman, and I dare say she's more of a man than you could ever hope to be!

Oh, Madeline! You mustn't let this female turn us against each other! That's how the enemy wins, you know.. They drive wedges between good, compatible citizens like you and me splitting us apart just to compensate for their dreary, wet, umbrella-less existences!

MORALISTS: hurrah for Blythe!

What the devil are you all still doing here?

MORALIST: I.. Thought we were here for a rally.

Will you just get back to the hotel? they exit I'm sorry, Madeline. They.. Madeline? Madeline!? Imbeciles!

A2S3

A2S3

Start of scene

Enter stage right to stand near regular piano position for speech

GOV: and and now, before the preliminary festivities begin, I am proud to present Redmond blither, who will be delivering a short primary speech. Please welcome dot dot Mr blather

up to Podium thank you, thank you, my dear ladies and gentlemen. If you would be so kind of to pass around the donation bucket? Thank you. My, what is a light this is! To speak to all these smiling, impressionable faces, fresh off and invigorating.. Did you have a good summer term, sonny? Don't be shy now.

SMETHURST: you've got a face like a fish!

Yes. Well. On to the speech. Friends. The day of judgment is upon us! time skip but Blythe, you may say, in a lamentable burst of nitpickiness, Blythe, if we really do drain the channel, what would we do with all that extra land that it turn up? And immediately, the answer presents itself-root vegetables! Enough to feed a nation! be shuffled off

MAD: yes, my love! A thousand times, Yes! I will marry you!

stand what?

Gussie collapses

Why, it's a disgrace! Boo! Boo!

ELANOR: well done, Blythe. It looks like you've just won me my wager.

Happy to oblige. And now to twist that despicable Fink-Nottle creature into a pretzel!

ELANOR: oh don't bother. That's a side, her little dalliance with Madeline seems.. Decidedly through.

No, no mercy, Eleanor! She made Madeline cry.. But on my soul, she will not live to regret it! chase after

BERTIE: oh really now

Chase cross

A2S4

A2S4

GUSSIE: Madeline! You've come back to me!

Jump from bush FINK NOTTLE! Mark while the time has come-for Retribution!

TUPPY: hold it right there, Blythe!

What the blazes- pass out

GUSSIE: no!

Whassat?

ANG: It’s you Gussie!

No!

A2S5

A2S5

Bertie yelling fire

Enter stage right with umbrella

GUSSIE: I say!

Wait! The Newt queen wants a word with us.

GUSSIE: but the front door shut. It won't open. And all the other doors are shut too.

What?!M

MAD: we could bring the Bell

The fire Bell?

While falling

Why, you little-

Jeeves steps on balls

ow!

Upon standing

Oh my scrotum!

Well.. Fine. Fine! If that's what you want.. Well, so be it. Let's go, Raymond.

But Eleanor -oh, all right.