Annie (The Play That Goes Wrong) Lines + Stage Directions Act 1

TAYLOR. Good evening, ladies and gentle—

ANNIE. You said that was fine.

TAYLOR. Just leave it, leave it.

Annie and stagehands start to try to repair the mantlepiece.

CHRIS. Leave it. Just leave it.

ANNIE. You need it…

CHRIS. We don’t have time.

Annie hurries off into the wings, taking the mantlepiece and toolkit with her.

MAX. (off) I’m coming Miss Colleymoore!

We hear three loud bangs on the door. On the third, the door suddenly burst open, revealing, Max, Annie, and members of stage crew who had all been attempting to open it.

ROBERT. Get out, you idiots.

They all quickly run off.

DENISE. Yes sir, of course you’re right, this one’s full.

As Denise passes the window, Annie leans through and exchanges the empty bottle for a full plastic bottle labeled “PAINT THINNER” with a large flammable symbol on it.

MAX. Perkins, hand me his journal. It’s there on the mantlepiece.

Annie’s hand reaches through the door and holds the journal against the wall where it should be above the mantlepiece.

SANDRA. But I loved Charles with all my heart.

Denise takes the journal and puts it back where the mantlepiece should be; it falls straight to the floor. Annie’s hand reaches back through the door to catch it, but she is just too late.

MAX. Charles is dead. He can never come between us again!

Annie opens the S.R. door and Johnathan slowly moves towards the door. Exits.

MAX. Thank you, Perkins. Just set them down on the mantlepiece.

Denise goes to the fireplace with the candlesticks. But there is no mantlepiece to put them on. Suddenly Annie’s hands burst through the fireplace. Denise puts a candlestick in each of her hands.

MAX. At last, we’re alone.

Annie pulls the candlesticks back but they are too tall and she can’t pull them through the holes.

DENISE. As you wish, Inspector.

Denise carries the props over to Annie who is still holding the candlesticks. Remaining stagehands run out and become the mantle; Denise carefully balances items on the stagehands.

DENISE. Yes, ma’am, very close.

Stagehands can hold up the props no more, and they come crashing to the ground; stagehands and Annie all start picking up the items loudly.

CHRIS. If you’d be so kind as to send in Florence Colleymoore on your way out.

In the door we see stagehands with the props, and Sandra pushes past them, making them drop the props again.

MAX. Almost four and didn’t I know it.

Annie and cast/crew stick hands through the window and drag Sandra towards them.

MAX. If he ever didn’t get his way he was unbearable.

Sandra’s body is hoisted roughly up behind the curtain and then dropped back down.

MAX. I won’t lie, Inspector, Charles and I never truly saw—

Sandra is roughly lifted and dropped again.

CHRIS. I see. It’s a dark night, Cecil.

MAX. Inspector!

Chris pulls the curtain open, revealing Annie and stagehands. They all freeze and try not to be seen.

CHRIS. You can barely make out the trees.

Silence. Then Chris and Max turn back downstage. As Max continues with his next line, Annie and stagehands continue to remove Sandra, but more noisily than before. Vamp shouting at each other, yelling instructions on how to best carry Sandra out.

CHRIS. AND YET YOU HAD AN AFFAIR WITH HIS FIANCÉ?

The group in window drop Sandra and start again.

CHRIS. I DO! AS, IT SEEMS…DID…CHARLES!!

The others have managed to get Sandra out of the window. Annie sharply draws the curtains.

ROBERT. She’s coming now. Get in here, Florence.

Jonathan opens the S.R. door and pushes Annie onstage.

ROBERT. Florence, you don’t look yourself this evening.

ANNIE. Thomas, I’m frightened.

CHRIS. Isn’t it obvious? Cecil has lost control.

ANNIE. Oh no not Cecil.

CHRIS. He killed Charles tonight, driven mad by his lust for you and now he knows we’ve found him out.

ANNIE. I cannot bear it. Cecil would not do such a thing.

DENISE. Well this is a fine mess. The worst night I’ve seen in eighty—(Corrects herself.) eight years of service.

ANNIE. Save me, brother…sister?

Annie goes to Chris, who pushes her back to Robert.

Ooh, save me, brother.

ROBERT. Don’t worry, Florence. I shan’t let anyone hurt a hair on your head.

ANNIE. I’m panicking.

Annie does a physical action to show she’s panicking.

I can’t believe…Cecil?

CHRIS. Cecil!

ANNIE. Cecil…is doing this.

DENISE. Try to relax. Miss Colleymoore.

ANNIE. I shall faint.

ROBERT. You shan’t faint—

Annie falls back without warning. Denise catches her.

DENISE. Good heavens!

ANNIE. Ay me!

Lights shift back to red and the short musical spike plays. Then the lights shift back.

ANNIE. Cecil’s dead?

CHRIS. Time of death: quarter to mid…Five o’clock.

ANNIE. Cecil! No. No. No. I loved him. I loved him. I know it was wrong. I know I was engaged to Charles.

She makes a noise of realisation.

—but Cecil was mine and.

Silence. Chris turns the page in her script.

…I was his.

DENISE. There, there, Miss Colleymoore.

ANNIE. How will I go on? Sobs.

CHRIS. But two murders on one evening is certainly unusual.

ANNIE. Oh Inspector, my fiancé and my lover killed on the same eve.

CHRIS. Remember your breathing Miss Colleymoore, now is not the time for another of your episodes.

ANNIE. I am having an episode, Inspector. I cannot help it.

CHRIS. Have an episode. Have…an…episode. Have an episode!

Annie tries to scream and shake as she has seen Sandra do in rehearsals. Vamp. Annie builds the episode bigger and bigger until it reaches a climax and she flops onto the chaise lounge.

DENISE. She’s having another one of her hysterical episodes.

ANNIE. They’re dead. They’re gone and they’re never coming back.

ROBERT. I will not tolerate another tantrum, Florence.

ANNIE. Get away from me Thomas, You don’t understand my grief.

ROBERT. That’s enough. Take one of your pills.

ANNIE. No. Not more pills.

Annie takes a pill with no hesitation.

Oh, they’re mints.

ROBERT. But who could’ve killed…

Annie upstages Robert by sinking back onto the chaise lounge, pretending to be knocked out by the pill.

CHRIS. …and one we need to answer quickly if we’re going to get out of this house alive.

ANNIE. Oh Inspector, you’ve given me a chill.

CHRIS. Now, tell me, is there anyone else that you know of in the grounds other than the four of us?

ANNIE. Not a soul.

CHRIS. Does anyone have access to the grounds?

ANNIE. No one, Inspector.

DENISE. I’m the only one with a master key and as instructed I locked and bolted the doors as soon as you arrived.

ALL. Then who could have killed him?

CHRIS. Good god, you’re right, It’s one of us.

All gasp.

ANNIE. This is a disaster! Blackout. Intermission.

Annie realizes her mistake and runs offstage.

Oh.