You Can't Take It With You

G-O-D-space-I-S-space-T-H-E-space—

And so the beautiful princess came into the palace, and kissed her mother, and her father, and her grandfather—

Hello darling!

Hi Grandpa—and what do you think? Surprised?

Oh, Alice, I like it.

Do you?

Where’d you get it?

Oh, I took a walk during lunch hour.

You’ve been taking a lot of walks lately. That’s the second new dress this week.

I just like to brighten up the office once in a while. I’m known as the Kay Francis of Kirby & Co… Well, what’s new around here? In the way of plays, snakes. ballet dancing or fireworks. Dad, I’ll bet you’ve been down in that cellar all day.

I’m going back to the war play, Alice

Really, Mother?

“Kenneth! My virginity is a priceless thing to me.”

Listen, people… Listen. I’m not home to dinner. A young gentleman is calling for me.

Well, isn’t that nice?

I did everything possible to keep him from coming here but he’s calling for me.

Why don’t you both stay to dinner?

No, I want him to take you in easy doses. I’ve tried to prepare him a little, but don’t make it any worse than you can help. Don’t read him any plays, Mother, and don’t let a snake bite him, Grandpa, because I like him. And I wouldn’t dance for him, Essie, because we’re going to the Monte Carlo ballet tonight.

Can’t do anything. Who is he—President of the United States?

No, he’s vice-president of Kirby & Co. Mr. Anthony Kirby, Jr.

Well!

The boss’s son. Just like the movies.

And not being home to dinner for three weeks.

Why, Sherlock Homes!

Are you going to marry him?

Oh, of course. Tonight! Meanwhile I have to go up and put on my wedding dress.

Is he good-looking?

Yes, in a word… Oh, dear! What time is it?

It was about five o’clock a couple of hours ago.

Oh, I ought to know better than to ask you people… Will you let me know the minute he comes, please?

Of course, Alice.

Yes, I know, but I mean the minute he comes.

Why, of course.

Well, be sure.

Thank you.

Mother! Is that Mr. Kirby?

Thank you.

Is that Mr. Kirby, Mother?

Yes, Alice. It is. He’s lovely!

I’ll be right down.

Well, all I meant was he’s bound to get married, and suppose the wrong girl gets him?

Well, here I am, a vision in blue. Apparently you’ve had time to get acquainted.

Oh, yes, indeed. We were just having a delightful talk about love and marriage.

Oh, dear. I’m sorry. I came down as fast as I could.

Damn those flies in the kitchen. Oh, Miss Alice, you look beautiful. Where you going?

I’m going out, Rheba.

That must be Kolenkhov.

I think we’d better go, Tony.

Good evening, everybody!

(all) Good evening.

My Pavlowa!

Well, if you’ll excuse us, Mr. Kolenkhov.

My little Alice! Never have I seen you look so magnificent.

Thank you, Mr. Kolenkhov. Tony, this is Mr. Kolenkhov, Essie’s dancing teacher. Mr. Kirby.

How do you do?

Will you pardon us, Mr. Kolenkhov—we’re going to the Monte Carlo Ballet.

The Monte Carlo Ballet! It stinks.

Yes… Well—good-bye, everybody. Good-bye.

(End of scene 1, dinner finishes, coming on stage)

I could see them dance every night of the week. I think they’re marvelous.

They are, aren’t they? But of course just walking inside any theatre gives me a thrill.

Well, it’s been so lovely, Tony, I hate to have it over.

Oh, is it over? Do I have to go right away?

Not if you don’t want to.

I don’t.

Would you like a cold drink?

Wonderful.

I’ll see what’s in the icebox. Want to come along?

I’d follow you to the ends of the earth.

Oh just the kitchen is enough.

Why, I like it. You’ve done it very simply, haven’t you?

Yes, we didn’t know whether to do it Empire or Neo-Grecian.

So you settled for Frigidaire.

Yes, it’s so easy to live with. Lucky you’re not hungry, Mr. K. An icebox full of corn flakes. That gives you a rough idea of the Sycamores.

Of course, why they make these bottle openers for garden gnomes I never did… All over my coat.

I’ll take mine in a glass, if you don’t mind.

There you are. A foaming beaker.

Anyhow, it’s cold.

Now if you’ll please be seated, I’d like to offer a toast.

We are seated.

Miss Sycamore…to you.

Thank you, Mr. Kirby. To you.

You know something?

What?

I wouldn’t trade one minute of this evening for…all the rice in China.

Really?

Cross my heart.

Is there much rice in China>

Terrific. Didn't you read The Good Earth? Well, I suppose I ought to go.

Is it very late?

Very. I don’t want to go.

I don’t want you to go.

All right, I won’t. When do you get your vacation?

Last two weeks in August.

I might take mine then, too.

Really?

What are you going to do?

I don’t know. I hadn’t thought much about it.

Going away, do you think?

I might not. I like the city in the summer time.

I do too.

But you always go up to Maine, don’t you?

That’s right. Oh—but I’m sure I would like the city in the summer time, if—Oh, you know what I mean, Alice. I’d love it if you were here.

Well—it’d be nice if you were here, Tony.

You know what you’re saying, don’t you?

What?

That you’d rather spend the summer with me than anybody else.

Was I?

Well, if it’s true about the summer, how would you feel about—the winter?

Yes, I’d like that too.

Then there’s spring and autumn. If you could—see your way clear about those, Miss Sycamore?

I might.

I guess that’s the whole year. We haven’t forgotten anything, have we?

No.

Not at all, Mrs. Sycamore.

No, Mother.

What’s that?

It’s all right, Tony. That’s father.

Oh—this time of night?

Any time of night. Any time of day.

You know, you’re more beautiful, more lovely, more adorable than anyone else in the whole world.

Don’t, Tony.

What? My dear, just because your mother…all mothers are like that, Alice, and Penny’s a darling. You see I’m even calling her Penny.

I don’t mean that. Look, Tony, this is something I should have said a long time ago, but I didn’t have the courage. I let myself be swept away because…I loved you so.

Darling!

No, wait, Tony. I want to make it clear to you. Listen, you’re of a different world…a whole different kind of people. Oh I don’t mean money or socially…that’s too silly. But your family and mine…it just wouldn’t work, Tony. It just wouldn’t work.

Well, I don’t call that dancing what she does. Oh, hello! How was the ballet?

It was fine, Essie.

What does she do anyhow? Now look, you’re Fred Astaire, and I’m Ginger Rogers.

Essie, please!

Oh yes—he said to go right ahead.

You see, Tony? That’s what it would be like.

Oh I didn’t mind that. Anyhow, we’re not going to live with your family. It’s just you and I.

No it isn’t…it’s never quite that. I love them, Tony…I love them deeply. Some people could break away, but I couldn’t. I know they do rather strange things…But they’re gay and they’re fun and…I don’t know…there’s a kind of nobility about them.

Alice, you talk as though only you could understand them. That’s not true. Why every family has got curious little traits. What of it? My father raises orchids at ten thousand dollars a bulb. Is that sensible? My mother believes in spiritualism. That’s just as bad as your mother writing plays, isn’t it?

It goes deeper, Tony. Your mother believes in spiritualism because it’s fashionable, and your father raises orchids because he can afford to. My mother writes plays because eight years ago a typewriter was delivered here by mistake.

Darling, what of it?

And—and look at Grandpa. Thirty-five years ago he just quit business one day. He started up to his office in the elevator and came right down again. He just stopped. He could have been a rich man, but he said it took too much time. So for thirty-five years, he’s just collected snakes, and gone to circuses and commencements. It never occurs to any of them…

Good evening, Mr. Vanderhof.

Hello, Grandpa.

How’s the weather? Looks like a nice summer evening.

Yes, it’s lovely, Grandpa.

Oh, excuse me. I didn’t know you folks was in here.

It’s all right, Donald.

Rheba kind of fancied some candy and…Oh, there it is. You all don’t want it, do you?

No, Donald.

Thanks…Did you have a nice evening?

Yes, Donald.

Nice dinner?

Yes, Donald.

Was the ballet nice?

Yes, Donald.

That’s nice.

Now! Now, do you see what I mean? Could you explain Donald to your father? Could you explain Grandpa? You couldn’t, Tony, you couldn’t! I love you, Tony, but I love them too! And it’s no use, Tony! It’s no use!

There’s only one thing you’ve said that matters, that makes any sense at all. You love me.

But, Tony, I know so well…

But, darling, don’t you think other people have had the same problem? Everybody’s got a family.

But not like mine.

That doesn’t stop people who love each other…Darling! Darling, won’t you trust me and go on loving me, and forget everything else?

How can I?

Because nothing can keep us apart. You know that. You must know it. They want you to be happy, don’t they? They must.

Of course they do. But they can’t change, Tony. I wouldn’t want them to change.

They won’t have to change. They’re charming, lovable people, just as they are. Everything will work out…you’re worrying about something that may never come up.

Oh, Tony, am I?

All that matters right now is that we love each other. That’s so, isn’t it?

(whispering) Yes.

Well, then!

Tony, Tony!

Now! I’d like to see a little gayety around here. Young gentleman calling, and getting engaged and everything.

What do I say?

Well, first you thank the young man for getting engaged to you.

Thank you, Mr. Kirby, for getting engaged to me.

And then you tell him what it was about him that first took your girlish heart.

The back of your head.

Huh?

Uh-huh. It wasn’t your charm, and it wasn’t your money…it was the back of your head. I just liked it.

What happened when I turned around?

Oh, I got used to it after a while.

Oh, Alice, think of it. We’re pretty lucky, aren’t we?

I know that I am. I’m the luckiest girl in the world.

I’m not exactly unlucky myself. Oh, dear, I guess I ought to…Good night, darling. Until tomorrow.

Good night.

Isn’t it wonderful we work in the same office? Otherwise I’d be hanging around here all day.

Won’t it be funny in the office tomorrow—seeing each other and just going on as though nothing has happened?

Thank God I’m vice-president. I can dictate to you all day “Dear Miss Sycamore: I love you, I love you, I love you.”

Oh, darling! You’re such a fool.

Why don’t you meet me in the drugstore in the morning—before you go up to the office? I’ll have millions of things to say to you.

All right.

And then lunch, and then dinner tomorrow night.

Oh, Tony! What will people say?

Pretty good!…Why, hello, Alice. You just come in?

No. No, I’ve been home quite a while.

Have a nice evening?

I had a beautiful evening, Father.

Say, I’d like you to take a look at this new red fire. Will you turn out the lights, Mr. De Pinna? I want Alice to get the full effect.

What, Father?

Take a look at this new red fire. It’s beautiful. There! What do you think of it? Isn’t it beautiful?

Yes. Oh, Father, everything’s beautiful, it’s the most beautiful red fire in the world!

Yeh, we’ve got to take the stuff up to Mt. Vernon in the morning.

Mother, may I borrow some paper? I’m making out a list for Rheba tomorrow night.