Dirty Rotten Scoundrels - Christine

Freddy - Excuse me, miss, would you mind placing a bet for me? It’s sorta hard for me to reach.

Of course! What number?

Freddy - Gee, the way my lucks been running lately… why don’t you pick.

Oh okay. Well my birthdays in July, I’m the second oldest, I was a kappa at Ohio state… how about four?

All - Awww

I’m sorry

Freddy - that’s okay. Excuse me.

Excuse me. Pardon me, are you all right?

Freddy - Thank you, but I’d rather be alone right now

Oh I’m sorry.

Freddy - It’s just that chip was my last hope. I thought maybe if I could spin it into enough to pay for the treatment… I’m so naive. I’m sorry, I can’t believe I’m telling my troubles to a total stranger like this.

I’m Christine Colgate

Freddy - Sergeant Fred Benson

See? Now we’re not strangers anymore

Freddy - I don’t mind for myself so much. It’s just that grandma was sorta counting on me to come back and run the farm.

Shouldn’t the army pay for your treatment

Freddy - It’s a little more complicated than that. You see, my problem isn’t really physical. It’s emotional.

You mean…?

Freddy - Yes, I’m afraid what I have is… dance fever.

What happened?

You see, I was engaged to the most wonderful girl back in the States. We loved to dance, we wanted to be professionals. Then one day some talent scouts came to town with a contest for Dance USA.

I love that show!

Me too oh my god……..Then I went back to the studio, and there they were. Dancing.

Dancing?

Freddy - Naked.

Oh my god. Who was she with?

Freddy - The ‘Dance USA Orchestra’.

All of them?

Freddy - Just the brass section… Dancing, making love etcetc…. I’ve been this was ever since.

There must be someone who can help you!

Freddy - Well there is one psychiatrist… Dr Emil Schuffhausen of the Schuffhausen Clinic in Vienna.

Well, why don’t you go to him?

…His fees are astronomical. It’s just not something I can handle.

How astronomical?

Freddy - Fifty Thousand dollars

That is a lot of money. (Couple is dancing) What is it?

Oh, God. They’re dancing! Dancing!

Can’t you see you’re killing him? We’re going straight to my room to write a letter to Dr Shuffhausen about your case.

Freddy - I’ve tried, it’s no use. The money-

Don’t worry about that. When the time comes, you’ll have the money.

After Lawrence says “I just need a moment to think.” Lights come up and-

Are you feeling any better?

Freddy - A little.

“To Dr Emil Shuffhausen. Do you think I should use an umlaut?

Freddy - No you smell great.

…Thank you.

Freddy - I just wish you hadn’t written all these things to Dr Shuffhausen about me. You make me sound like a hero.

He’ll listen,you’ll see.

Freddy - I’m almost afraid to hope.

Don’t be. It will happen this time. It has to.

Freddy - I want to believe that - ooh hot soup - I’m just not sure I can.

How can you not? (Nothing is too wonderful starts)

I finish singing.

Can’t you see it? Can’t you see it??

Freddy - You know, I think I can.

Tell me.

Freddy - Uh.. (he sings)

Go on.

They finish singing.

You have so much to live for. You can’t give up now.

Freddy - I’ll try.

You must! Oh, I’m sorry, the soup.

Freddy - That’s okay. I didn’t even feel it.

I’m going right downstairs and mailing this letter to Dr. Shuffhausen.

Freddy - But all that money…

I told you, Seargant Benson. You just leave that to me.

Freddy - Gosh, Seargant Benson sounds so formal. Please. Call me Buzz.

All right… Buzz.

Freddy - Are you alright?

Yeah, I do that a lot. See you.

During the Act 1 Finale.

Excuse me, pardon me, please… I have to send an urgent letter to Vienna!

Ensemble starts singing nothing is too wonderful.

Buzz! You’ll never guess!

I make it into the hotel room

Buzz, who is the one person in the world you would most like to see at this moment?

Freddy - Grandma?

Better! (Fanfare) Presenting Dr Emil Shuffhausen! (Do this at opening of Act 2 too)

Lawrence - As I told Miss Colgate, I am here on vacation from my clinic. Small world, yes?

It’s like a miracle.

Lawrence - This man intrigues me; I will take Seargant Benson on as a patient.

That’s wonderful! Did you hear that Buzz?

Lawrence - I am renting a villa in this area. We will move him in these, where I can really to work on him.

Doctor look, he’s so happy he’s crying. Do you really think you can have him walking again.

Lawrence - I’m traveling incognito.

Muriel - Oh.

Hello.

Lawrence - Please come in. Welcome to my home, be it ever so humble.

How gorgeous.

Lawrence - Well, I just got a haircut.

I meant the villa.

Lawrence - Oh ja. That too. Why don’t I show you around?

What about Buzz?

Certainly. Where are my manners? Please. Join us.

But he can’t.

Lawrence - Of course he can; it’s all in his mind. Come on, alleyoop.

(Offstage) Is he coming?

Lawrence - Perhaps. First I must show you the music room.

Oh my. Is that a music box?

Lawrence - Isn’t it lovely?

My grandmother sent me one just like it once from Amish country.

Lawrence - …Indeed.

Except it was a pretzel.

Lawrence - They say in the old days the happy couple would come up here, take each otherin their arms and dance away the worries of the day. (they begin to dance)

I’m sorry was that your foot?

Lawrence - I believe so, yes.

I do that a lot.

Freddy - Ohhhhh.

Buzz!

Freddy - Dancing….

I can’t stand seeing him like this.

Lawrence - Perhaps you’re right.

Freddy (offstage) - Ow.

But doctor?

Lawrence sings.

He looks so miserable

Lawrence - I have another idea. Love put him into that chair; perhaps love can get him out.

What do you mean?

Lawrence, singing - The more we squeeze, the more we kiss.

Oh you mean like this?

Lawrence - Hol Mother McCree!

Was that all right?

Freddy - Can I have a little kiss goodnight?

Lawrence- Very well.

Goodnight!

Freddy - Goodnight.

Do you really think the treatment is working?

Lawrence - It’s a little stubborn psychosis he has, but I have high hopes.

That’s wonderful. I’m sorry about the delay in paying your fee. I should have it by tomorrow; It just took longer than I thought to raise the money.

Lawrence - You had to raise the money?

Well, the cash prize wasn’t quite enough, so I had my father sell off the car, the furniture and all the jewelry they gave me.

Lawrence - What cash prize?

From the contest. You know, I was selected as the American Soap Queen. That’s how I’m on this all-expense-paid trip to Europe.

Lawrence - You mean your father doesn’t own the soap company?

No, I just use their laundry detergent. I never expected to win but they said they really liked the way I rhymed ‘cleansing cream’ with ‘fencing team’.

Lawrence - Yes, it’s quite catchy.

What?

Lawrence - You hardly know Sergeant Benson and you’d sell everything you own to help him.

Well, not everything. They gave me a year’s supply of fabric softener, too. I’m keeping that. Well, goodnight.

Lights come up.

Buzz.

Freddy - May I roll in?

Of course… I thought Dr Shuffhausen took you home.

Freddy - He did, but I started thinking and couldn’t sleep.

What were you thinking about?

Freddy - You see, Christine, I realized tonight I’ve lost faith.

You can’t.

Freddy - I know that now… If I just had someone to walk to.

What do you mean?

Freddy - I’m in love with you, Christine, and I think I could walk again, if I believed you loved me too.

Oh, Buzz.

Freddy - I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. I’ll just go.

Don’t.

Freddy - Don’t toy with me, Christine.

I’m not!

Freddy finishes singing.

Now stand up and walk to me.

Freddy - I can’t.

You can! (sings)

Freddy - I did it, I’m walking.

Do you want to rest?

Freddy - No. My legs are full of love. I want to keep going. Stand over there.

Here?

Freddy - Further.

How far do you want to go?

Freddy - I did it!

Yes.

Lawrence - Our love, Buzz. We all love you.

Oh doctor, you were right. No wonder they call you a genius. You said he’d come here tonight, and he did. You said he’d walk, and he did. Everything turned out just the way you said it would. Oh, Buzz. I’m beginning to believe this man really can perform miracles.

Lawrence - Come, my boy. You’ve had an exhausting evening. I will take you home to rest.

Thank you, Doctor.

Lawrence - Here we are. You just have a few minutes.

But I didn’t even check out.

Lawrence - Trust me, I’ll take care of everything for you.

Can’t I at least call Buzz to say goodbye?

Lawrence - Believe me, that’s the worst thing you could do. His mind is still in a very precarious state. It could snap like a little ginger cookie.

But I think I really may have feelings for him. And if he has feelings for me too…

Lawrence - Then it’s even more important that you go away for a while. He must first learn to stand on his own two feet. Please, trust me this one last time.

Wait, what about your fee?

Lawrence - Do what I tell you and you can forget about the fee.

Really?

Lawrence - You’ve already been generous enough.

I just did what anyone would do. Besides, knowing I helped a man like Buzz live his life again is worth more to me than a car or some furniture or all that jewelry. I really couldn’t ask for a better prize than that.

Lawrence - I never knew people like you existed. You are genuine, sincere…

Thank you.. Anyways, what about you? You gave up your vacation; you spend your whole life helping people.

Lawrence - Believe me, I’m no saint.

Is it okay if I believe you are?

Lawrence - That would be nice.

Conductor - Madame, your ticket—

Oh. I’m sorry, of course.

Freddy does his long thing saying goodbye which ends with “Hi, Christine. Goodbye-”

Hi.

Freddy - I thought you’d gone.

I tried. I know it might be wrong, but I just couldn’t leave without seeing you again, not feeling the way I do.

Freddy - What do you mean?

I really am in love with you, Buzz.

Freddy - Really?

Yes.

Freddy - You love me?

Is that so hard to believe?

Freddy - Well, no; I mean, I am pretty loveable, I just never… wow. (they try to kiss whatever) You go that way, okay?

Okay. Buzz, now that you can walk, do you think you can also…

Freddy - Dance?

No.