Princess Winnifred Lines

That of course is utterly untrue. It didn't storm that night at all. In fact it wasn't even night. And the princess only looked as though she'd come in from a storm.

Actually, I swam the moat. But never mind. If I just stand right here, there's a nice draft. I'll be dry in no time.

You swam the moat?

All right, I was a little anxious. My friend, Sir Harry - uh, he's still out there - he told me you had an opening for a princess. ANY princess. I figured: the early bird... anyway, here I am. Who's the lucky man?

You swam the moat?

Does she ever say anything else except "You swam the moat?"

Why don't you ask her yourself?

Do you ever say anything else except "You swam the..."

Are you new here? Watch closely: I take a perfectly plain piece of parchment... Notice that it is a single piece of parchment with no folds, creases, or concealed pockets...

It's a nut house!

No, wait!

You're the one, I guess.

Sure, I'm Prince Dauntless the Drab

Well, glad to have met you.

No, please don't go. I like you. Everybody does. Well, almost everybody.

Dauntless, I'd like to stay here, but I wouldn't want to come between you and your mother. So, I guess I'll just face the facts, cut my losses, and head back to the swamps.

But I really like you.

You do? Why?

You swam the moat!

Dauntless, I know I swam the moat, but that's not the real me. I'm not like that. Actually . . . I'm . . . shyyyyy . . .

Are you all right?

Sure.

I like her, Mama. She swam the moat.

It's cold!

Twice

I don't need any help.

We'll test her for...

That's not my leg!

How crude! We'll test her for sensitivity! She'll have her test, and she'll fail just like all the others, fair and square.

Fail what?

Every princess suing for my hand must pass a test to prove she's a real princess.

What kind of test?

It's always highly secret.

Well, we'll worry about that later. Right now, I'd better get out of these wet clothes.

May I show you part of the castle on the way to your room?

Sure.

You're awfully nice.

You're nicer.

And you're good looking, too.

You're better looking. And nicer, too.

Scene 5, Entering off stage right

Well, it certainly feels good to get into something dry. This old dress is just soaked.

He heard she swam the moat.

Is your father anything like your mother, because if he is...

Oh no... my father is silent, He...

I'd love to meet him!

Your highness, the king welcomes you- and- he asked me to say that he hopes you'll get a hundred on the test tomorrow.

Ahhhh - Well... thanks!

Alas madame, the king is mute, or he would speak for himself. He's still under a curse cast by a witch long ago- before Prince Dauntless was born. The curse says: "King Sextimus will never talk Until the mouse devours the hawk"

"Until the mouse devours the hawk?" Well, can't you find a big mouse and a little hawk and...

We tried that once, but the mouse got scared and ran away and the hawk bit Daddy.

Well, just let me get this test under my belt and we'll figure out something, don't you worry. It certainly has been a pleasure meeting his majesty! A short while ago, I had the pleasure of meeting HER majesty.

Now THAT is a nice man.

Well, the King says that maybe it would be better to wait until later. He says there are a few facts he wants to look up first.

I certainly do like almost both your parents, Dauntless!

We want you to be happy here... and we know it's a lot different from what you're used to.

Well, it is a little hard making the adjustment to dry land and everything.

You must feel like a fish out of water!

As a matter of fact, I do. You see, where I come from, we don't have any dry land. Oh, some of the poorer people do, but the nobility all live right in the swamp, with their servants and pets.

Oh, do you have pets?

Lots!

Dogs?

Frogs...

Your Highness, the girls and I would like to lend you something to wear while your - uh - garment is drying.

Why, thanks.

Ladies!

Dauntless, I have to change now.

You do? All right.

No, Dauntless. It's bad luck to see too much of the bride before the wedding.

Hurry ladies. May I show you the gowns now, your highness?

Yes.

Does her highness have a favorite color?

Well, back home, we wear a lot of dark green and earth brown. But I guess my own dress there is my favorite color - Huckleberry. I tell you what, leave them all and the ones I can't use I'll send back.

Very good, Your Highness. Lady H. Lady R.

Come in.

I guess I won't need you Emily. They've already sent a girl up to do the floor. You're new here aren't you?

Yes, I...

Well, remember! We're all here to do a job and your job is just as important as anyone else's. "Oh dear, sweet, lovely Princess Winnifred, you will pass the Queens test, you will" — Gramercy, my dear, you can't possibly clean the floor with such a tiny patch — you need a good big wet rag! Here what's this?

That's my huckleber—

Use this old thing. Just look at this mess! What will my gentle Princess think of me? "Can you know what it means to me to be Lady-in-waiting to the blessed Winnifred? Oh, Winnifred, Winnifred! — what name is sweeter than that?" Ugh— look at that table! It's dripping wet. Here, I'll use this. I can't bear to see the delicate beauty of my royal mistress in such a messy place. Get that, please. Quick, quick, quick, quick, quick!

Harry!

Your what?

How are you? Oh, get up. You don't have to go through the motions with me. Say, I'm awfully sorry about that— you know— swimming the moat. I hope I didn't make a bad impression.

Not at all, your highness. And if you'll just give your wet dress to one of the ladies in waiting, she'll see that it's taken care of.

Thank you. It's already been taken care of.

I see you have met my dear Lady Larken.

You mean this is the little Larken girl?

The very same, Your Highness.

Harry, she's beautiful . . . and a bundle of energy!

Sir Harry is not very good at describing people, Your Highness.

Well, he may not know how to describe 'em, but he sure knows how to pick 'em. Now, if you'll excuse me... I have to return these to the 4th floor.

Come along now! Keep it Venetian. Isn't this fun? Move along now! That's right. Faster! Now slower! That's beautiful. Oh Jester! Are you feeling a little weary, dear?

No, let's do it again! Maybe you could give me a clue?

A clue?

I know it's highly secret, but... what sort of test does she usually give?

Well, with Mama thinking up the test, it might be almost anything...

Like what?

Ohhh... sometimes it's history...

Oh.

Sometimes it's dancing... sometimes it's spelling...

Oh.

... but sometimes it's a test of strength and endurance.

Aha!

For instance, one of the girls was supposed to lift this weight. She couldn't. I can't even lift it. But I know you'll pass. You don't have to worry.

Do you want me to pass? I'll pass.

Hey, I think you're wonderful.

By the way, I don't think I ever told you.. my full name is Winnifred the Woebegone. But Winnifred's too formal. You can call me by my nickname.

Winnie?

Fred.

Sum.

Sum. S-U-M, sum.

Summer.

Summer. S-U-M-E-R. Summer.

Good. Well, if Mama tests you in literature or spelling, you're sure to pass, Fred. That leaves... History.

History. That takes in quite a lot but let's give it a whirl.

The first chapter is called, The Bravery of Prince Waldere.

...Waldere...

Young Waldere, wishing to slay the dragon Fafner...

Who?

...wishing to slay the dragon Fafner

Oh yeah, Fafner, that one

Takes his father's sword "Minning."

...Minning...

Disguised as the west wind, he goes into the forest, surprises Fafner in his lair and slays him, whereupon he is enabled to understand the speech of birds. Meanwhile, Waldere's father, Alberich, disguised as the Sacred goat , tells him that the spirit of Gunthere...

Oh, yeah, Gunthere? But I thought... (Sellah enter)

Did you ring for a pageboy?

No.

You've got the wrong room, son.

Aren't you Larken?

Yes, your highness.

What's the matter?

I am in disguise, Your Highness. I... I was running away.

I see. Well, sit down and rest. Dauntless, pull up a chair.

But the Queen has ordered me...

Never mind what the Queen has ordered. Just sit here.

But your highness...

Oh, sit down. Now then, what's this all about?

You mean big, nice Harry?

Just a minute. What did you do to him?

What did I to him?

Well, you must have done something. You're talking the way I did once when I was afraid to go home because I'd given my little brother a bloody lip.

It was an accident.

We had a little disagreement.

So you decided to run away?

He said some perfectly horrible things to me.

Oh. . . I see. Well, in that case, I guess you were right. I guess about the only thing you can do is. . . pack up and. . . get out. Unless, of course. . . you just go to him and say you're sorry. Listen, that Harry is a wonderful boy. . . and he really loves you. Why, we were on the road for two weeks and he never laid a finger on me!

Oh, Your Highness!

Now, you just get into something pretty that shows you're a girl and patch things up with him. Oh, and Larken? Try and act a little helpless. Men don't like girls that are too strong.

What if it's a boy?

Dauntless, you'd better go to bed, and leave the history book.

I'm positive you're going to pass mama's test tomorrow. Well, I'm pretty sure... if you don't... I'll understand.

And so the young Prince Waldere, having slain the dragon Fafner with the sword Minning, rescued th princess Frigga, and together they mounted his horse, Trigga...... and rode to the castle Voonderbar, where they were married and lived happily ever after.

Well, I'm glad.

CRAZY LADY WITH THE WAND

Cinderella had outside help!

Fairy godmother, god mother, god mother, where can you be?

I haven't got a fairy godmother, I don't even got a godmother. I have a mother, a plain ordinary woman.

Though I grant you, they were small.

But there were seven of them, practically a regiment.

I'm alone in the night. By myself. Not a dwarf, not an elf, not a goblin in sight!

That girl had seven determined little men working day and night just for her- oh sure, the queen gave her a poison apple, even so...

That's what I call, quite a switch!

I wonder... no it'll never hold.

And the girl... where is the girl? Doesn't she know it's long past bedtime? You would think she would be dropping from exhaustion.

(Asleep on Breece) Snore

Yes. Silken swishing sibilance wraps us in a gentle trance. Deep in Morpheus arms we lie; off we go to beddy-bye.

You know, I think I'm getting a sty right here.

Yea, verily. Now my dear, why aren't you in bed?

Moving up ladder - going nowhere

Am I almost there?

Help her up. Well, at least one person in this castle is going to get a good night's sleep.

(Lie on back, perk up, look at bird)

What are you? Some kinda nut?

(Move with rhythm, start to direct, cut off, lay down, feel lump, poke, smooth, change position, sit/stand up)

All right, lumps, watch out!

(Change positions rapidly, hang off bed)

All right, we'll take it from there top.

(Get off bed, announce)

Goodnight, everybody... sleep well.

(Start to climb ladder)

What a beautiful bed! Twenty soft downy mattresses. Oh I'm going to sleep like a baby!

(Lay down gently, scream at bird)

QUIET!

(Try more positions, sit on edge of bed)

All right, sheep... I'm ready when you are! (Start to count)

Charming, charming. Dauntless! — And where is our

little slugabed? She should be getting an early start. Ah, here she is now. She isn't even dressed yet. She must

have slept like a baby.

37,428

37,428 what?

Sheep. What do you stuff your mattresses with, jousting equipment?

What do you mean?

I mean that bed ought to be moved down to the torture chamber.

You didn't sleep?

I never shut my eyes!

You've passed!

Passed what?

The test. Mama put a pea under twenty mattresses and you gel it and now we can be married!

A pea under twenty mattresses? No wonder I'm black and blue!

No, she's not pretty, she's beautiful.

Twenty mattresses, huh? Dauntless dear, dear? I'll leave the wedding arrangements up to you. You'd better start looking around for a small kingdom for us- I've got a feeling we aren't going to want to live with the in-laws. (Sleep on table)

(Finale song) You can recognize a lady by her elegant air

Snore

(Finale song) But a genuine princess

Snore